MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 



BY 



BARRY GRAY, 




NEW YORK: 
PUBLISHED BY HURD AND HOUGHTON, 

BOSTON: E. P. BUTTON AND COMPANY 
1865. 



f, S 

/ 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year ISGo, by 

llOBKRT liARRY COFFIN, 

in the Clerk s Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern 
District of New York. 



RIVERSIDE, CAMBRIDGE: 

STEREOTYPED AND PRINTED BY 

H. 0. HOUGHTON AMD COMPANY. 



TO 

ALBERT BIERSTADT, 

AS A SLIGHT TESTIMONIAL OF ADMIRATION FOE HIM AS AN 

ARTIST, RESPECT FOR HIM AS A MAN, AND 

REGARD FOR HIM AS A FRIEND, 

2Tl)fs Volume 

IS INSCRIBED, 
WITH THE KIND THSHES OF THE AUTHOR 



CONTENTS. 



CHAPTER I. 

PAOI 

My Married Friends. A Private Letter of Inquiry. Shirt-Buttons. 
Reasons for Marrying. Owning no Tailor. Final Bachelor Acts. 
Getting Married. Is it a Dream? Reading Marriage Notice. 
Dull Newspaper. Marriage Certificate . . . .1 

CHAPTER II. 

My Wife. Envious Bachelors. Mrs. G. s Remarks thereon. Depri 
vations. Mr. Hayward done for. Dr. Philtre. Carving. 
My Children in Utopia. Confidence. A Breakfast. Spring 
Chickens versus Old Red . . . . . .6 

CHAPTER III. 

Dining out. Going Home. Curtain drops. " Home, sweet Home." 
How a Husband feels. Little Black Boy. Our Barn. Angry 
Cook. Bells. Belated Dinner. Indignant Wife. Honeymoon 
returns ....... .12 

CHAPTER IV. 

I propose a Christmas Dinner. My Brother-in-Law s Plan. Cost of 
a Dinner. A Cart-load of Turkeys. My Bachelor Friends. 
The Strangers I wished to invite. Mrs. Gray s Feelings. Ex 
planation. The Dinner. Abeline. Act of Thankfulness. 
My Speech. Mrs. Gray s Opinion of it. My Modesty . . 17 

CHAPTER V. 

Mrs. Gray s Idea of a Sleigh-ride. My Brother-in-Law s Rule. A 
Little Turn in the Yard. Who laughed? Stylish Sleigh-bells. 
Fleet Steed. Mrs. G. s Churchmanship. Picking Pockets. 
The Parson. Slightly Jealous. Original Remark . . 24 

CHAPTER VI. 

Mrs. Gray s Excitement. What occasioned it. Upon the Hay. 
My Audience. His Opinion. Fire and Smoke. Oh, Abeline ! 
Mrs. G. s Remarks. A Poem or a Sermon. The Poem . . 30 



vi CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER VII. 

PAGB 

Mrs. Gray visits her Mother. My Sorrow. I invite a few Friends. 
The Cook s Exodus. Elevation of the Little Black Boy. 
Equestrian Sports. My Regard for Mrs. G. The Poem . . 35 

CHAPTER VIII. 

State of Mrs. Gray s Health. The Party. Frank as Mrs. Gray. 
Stampede of Bachelors. The New Red. The Little Black Boy s 
Friendship. His Cooking. His Tricks. Puns. Treating the 
Little Black Boy ....... 41 

CHAPTER IX. 

The Village Newspaper. Washington s Birthday Ball. Festivities at 
Hillside. State of the House after the Party. Loneliness. 
Cowardly Bachelors. Old Beaux. Keeping Pasch. A Rhymed 
Note of Invitation . . . . . . .46 

CHAPTER X. 

Mrs. Gray returns Home. Our Meeting. The Tall Man. Mrs. 
G. s Commiseration. Her Discoveries. Bribing the Little Black 
Boy. Finding Eggs. The Paus Dinner. Postscript . . 53 

CHAPTER XL 

Paper Clothing. The Star-Spangled Banner s Report. Bill of Fare. 
In the Cellar . .... 58 

CHAPTER XII. 

Our New Cook. My Seriousness. My Gayety. My Wildness. 
The Round Robin. Mrs. G. at the Sewing Circle. Her Consider- 
ateness. Her Valentine . . . . . .63 

CHAPTER XIII. 

My Life. Tribulation of the Little Black Boy. Quakerism. My 
Great-Grandfather. Mrs. G. s Tears. My Readings. Wood- 
Choppers. Snow-Shoes. Perilous Situation. Something Hot. 
The Back Way 67 

CHAPTER XIV. 

Spring and Green Peas. Pea-nuts. My Wickedness. " The Hus 
band s Appeal." How it affected Mrs. Gray. Speech of the Little 
Black Boy. Brandy-Peaches . . . . .73 



CONTENTS. vii 

CHAPTER XV. 

Interesting Times at Hillside. Mrs. G. s Industry. My Brother-in-"" 
Law s Letter. - My Dilemma. Strange Woman. - A Precious 
Package. Bribing the Nurse. Pin-cushions. Clarence s Let 
ter. X. s Baby ..... .80 

CHAPTER XVI. 

My Bachelor^ Friends pay their Respects to the Baby. Their Offer 
ings. My Speech. Proceedings at the Barn. John. Culti 
vating Catnip. Lines to our Baby. His Disappearance. Our 
Anxiety. His Return .... .87 

CHAPTER XVII. 

Plans for the Fourth. Old Soldiers. Fireworks. My Oration. 
National Hymn. American Flag. - The Baby. My Audienee. 
Dinner. Cat and Crackers. In the Evening. Barrel of Ale. 
Good-night ...... 93 

CHAPTER XVIII. 

An Anniversary. Mrs. G. slightly astonished. I refer to my Bache 
lor Days. Apology of the Little Black Boy. Duels. Fire- 
Eaters. Mrs. G. and the Baby. The Happy Occasion. Judge s 
Address. John s Speech. Serenading . .102 

CHAPTER XIX. 

I join a Literary Society. Extra Meetings. Cymbals vs. Symbols. 
Impertinence of the Little Black Boy. My Singing. His 
Music. The new Charter Oak. The Old Soldier s Wish. Mrs. 
G. is Jealous. " Ina, of Lakelawn." How I came to write these 
Sketches. Shaking Hands. My Wicked Remark . . 109 

CHAPTER XX. 

The Baby wakes. At Breakfast. Life s Sweets. The Trouba 
dours. Two Little Black Boys with Cymbals. Mrs. G. s Promise. 
A Prisoner. Hints to my Bachelor Friends . . . jig 

CHAPTER XXL 

Green Corn Pudding. Nantucket Fashion. Neighbor Pound. 
Eggs. The lost Dinner. Hungry New-Yorkers. Tempest in 
the Kitchen . 101 

* 1-1 

CHAPTER XXII. 

Neighbor Pound s Daughter borrows "our Baby." The Chase. 
The Rescue. Triumphal Return Home. Our Fountain. My 
Fish-pond. Hydraulic Rams and Sheep . . . .127 



viii CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER XXIII. 

PAGB 

My Parole. Studying Chinese. Weeding Carrots. My Cousin s 
Father. " Our Lizzie " 132 

CHAPTER XXIV. 

The Caravan. Wide Awake. Miss Smith. An Uncomfortable 
Household. Another Visitor ..... 137 

CHAPTER XXV. 

A Caller. " The Editor." An Epic Wanted. Mrs. Gray s Mis 
take. Her Rebuke. Mysterious Disappearance of the Little 
Black Boy. Roasting Chestnuts ..... 142 

CHAPTER XXVI. 

I get up a Picnic. Kissing the Baby. Vanity. The Advantage 
of Picnics. Prim and Bustle ..... 150 

CHAPTER XXVII. 

A Picnic on Rocky Island. Not exactly Poetry. Rowing. Secur 
ing the Boat. Ebb Tide. In the Mud. Carrying the Girls. 
Our Reward. The Wager. Home Again .... 155 

CHAPTER XXVIII. 

I go to the Village. Frank s Case. Temptation. The Editor 
wants my Obituary ....... 162 

CHAPTER XXIX. 

The Circus. It rains. Naughty Black Boy. Spangles. Motley. 
Babylon. Mrs. Gray s Friend. "What the Sultan does in Ispa 
han." At Breakfast . . . . . . .167 

CHAPTER XXX. 

Frank and his Washerwoman. " The Camp-meeting." The F. F. 
V. s. Hymns of Zion. Lord of the Treasury. The Shanghai. 
Gabriel . . . . . . . . .177 

CHAPTER XXXI. 

Fishing. Gunning. Fiddling. Gardening. Walking in the 
Garden. Invent a Table. Its Shape. Its Legs. Its Magic 
Spring. An ugly Trick. Thanksgiving Dinner. "A Bache 
lor s Bacchanal Lyric." Anacreontic. Our Mahogany. After 
Dinner ......... 183 

CHAPTER XXXII. 

An Original Remark. "The Married Man s Plaint." Mrs. Gray s 
Opinion of it. My Defence. Pranks of the Black Boy. About 
the Circus. The Black Boy s Accident .... 191 



CONTENTS. Ix 

CHAPTER XXXIII. 

PACK 

Cold Meats. Mrs. Gray s Opinion of Christmas. Its Antiquity. 
My Astonishment. A Delightful Book. Christmas Eve. Santa 
Claus s Visit. The Old Fathers. Christmas Day . . 201 

CHAPTER XXXIV. 

Going to Church. My Erudition. Moslems and Mosques. Cha 
teaux.* At the " Arbor." Race with the Parson. The Wrong 
Pew. Mrs. G. s Presence of Mind. Greens. More Learning. 
Geoffrey Crayon. Chancel-Windows. Memory. Change of 
Subject. An Untold Anecdote . . . . .208 

CHAPTER XXXV. 

My Exit. Anniversaries. Freedom. In the Snow. Frank. 
My Breakfast. A Serf. Female Collegians. Blue and Gold. 
My Old Friends. The Editor. " Sherry-Time." Apple Jack. 
Going Home. Mrs. G. s Company. A Safe Ride . .215 

CHAPTER XXXVI. 

Mrs. G. s Remarks by-and-by. Peace-Offerings. The Hut. My 
Occupation. A Violinist. A Compliment. An Unaccepted 
Offer. " Some Poetry " . . . . .221 

CHAPTER XXXVII. 

The Old Soldier s Present. Charter Oak. Thimble-Case. Toddy- 
Stick. Frank and John. Polishing the Cane. Prayer for the 
Donor ... ..... 227 

CHAPTER XXXVIII. 

Mrs. Gray s Valentine. Her Sarcastic Remark. Slippers. Em 
broidering. Oh ! Letter from Clarence. The Old Saint. Mrs. 
G. s Approval . . . . . . . .232 

CHAPTER XXXIX. 

The Donation Party. The Old Stone Parsonage. A Debate. 
Novel Crinoline. The Company. The Good Shepherd. His 
Travels. His Book. His Portrait. His Excellences . . 239 

CHAPTER XL. 

A Praiseworthy Incident. Ringing the Bell. The Old Soldier. 
An Appropriate Text. A Slight Mistake. " The Parson." 
The Silk-webbed, Self-inflating Skirt . . . .245 



x CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER XLI. 

PAGE 

Mrs. G. and I take a Journey. " The Hamlet." March Winds. 
Old Particular. " Mudlark." Birds. " The Sugar-Cane Green." 
The Hostess. Fires. Shenstone. Up the Mountain. A Fine 
View. The Mountain Home. " The Angler s Song " . 253 

CHAPTER XLIL 

Our Landlord. Frank s Letter. A Whippoorwill. The Black 
Boy s Nimbleness. His Aptitude for Business. Selling Eggs. 
Paus Eggs. "On Easter-Day" . . . . .264 

CHAPTER XLIII. 

Death of the Old Soldier. His Obituary. His Funeral. The Black 
Boy s Grief. Leaving Hillside. Wild Oats. Letters . . 274 

CHAPTER XLIV. 

The Dinner. My Deportment. Outside Expenses. A Clean 
Breast. Star-Spangled Banner s Report. Speeches. " The 
Song." Finis 282 



ILLUSTRATIONS. 



PAGE 
TITLE-PAGE. HILLSIDE. 

VIGNETTE. THANKSGIVING EVE. 

MR. GRAY PURSUING THE STUDY OF HEBREW 55 

CELEBRATION OF THE FOURTH OF JULY 98 

"I WISH," SAID THE OLD SOLDIER, "NO BETTER WINDING-SHEET 

THAN THE OLD FLAG" 113 

ARRIVAL OF MISS SMITH 137 

BUSTLE SHOWING MRS. GRAY WHERE MR. GRAY SOWED HIS WILD 

OATS 279 



PREFATORY LETTER. 

* &gt; 

To MY READERS. 

When, ten years ago, I commenced the publication, in 
the " Home Journal," of the larger part of the contents 
of this volume, in a series of sketches contributed from 
week to week, I had no intention of " making a book " ; 
but as by degrees they grew in number under my hand, 
and were received with favor by my readers, I came to 
think it would not be amiss for me to collect them into a 
volume. Having been deterred, however, from fulfilling 
this purpose until the present time, I trust that the inter 
est, expressed by those who read them in a serial form, 
will not entirely have passed away, and that they will be 
pleased to renew their acquaintance with the various char 
acters introduced to them so long ago. By thus waiting, 
also, I trust that I have gained a new and fresh class of 
readers, and one, too, which will find in my bachelor friends, 
my old soldiers, my exemplary parson, my eccentric edi 
tor, my borrowing neighbors, my mischievous little black 
boy, and the estimable Mrs. Gray herself, characters which 
will both amuse and interest them. Many of these per 
sonages were drawn from life, and all, I believe, have for 
given me the liberty I took in putting them into print. Of 
my bachelor friends, most of them are no longer bachelors. 
Only Frank, who is afar off in Japan, winning a name and 



xiv PREFATORY LETTER. 

fortune, still clings to single blessedness; the rest have 
taken to themselves wives, and are no longer permitted to 
visit the Female College, but are required to stay at home 
and attend to the wants of their little ones. The little 
black boy, who, as all little black boys will, who are not cut 
off in the bloom of youth, grew to man s estate, and profit 
ing by the instructions he received while " doing chores " 
at Hillside, became a trustworthy and industrious man. It 
grieves me, however, to record the fact that he is no more. 
He fell, bravely fighting, before Petersburg, and now fills a 
soldier s grave. Peace to his memory ! 

I would, if I dared, point out the truth and the fiction m 
this book ; but I stand in wholesome fear of Mrs. Gray s 
reproaches should I separate, as I have sometimes been 
requested to do, for the gratification of my readers, the 
one from the other. My whilom bachelor friends, and all 
married men, indeed, will have little difficulty in deciding 
which portion is drawn from actual experience, and which 
is purely imaginary. 

For the illustrations in this volume I am indebted to my 
friend Mr. J. M NEVIN, who has succeeded in catching 
the exact spirit of the text, and conveying it in his draw 
ings in a graphic and admirable manner. The graphotype 
process, by which these illustrations are executed, is en 
tirely new, and this is the first book published in this coun 
try, with original designs produced by this mode. Through 
this process two desirable advances are made over wood- 
engraving: one is rapidity of execution, and the other a 
saving of at least one half in the expense. Still another 
advantage is, that every line made by the artist is faithfully 
reproduced. Each touch is his, and no intervening graver 



PREFATORY LETTER. 

XT 

comes in to mar his handiwork. The process is most sim 
ple, and can be accomplished by any one accustomed to the 
handling of a brush. A brief description will suffice to 
show that when the artist makes the drawing, he at the 
same time effects the engraving. A thin plate of zinc, on 
which a* coating of plaster composition is first spread, is 
subjected to hydraulic pressure, and afterwards kiln-dried. 
A surface as smooth and polished as plate glass is the re 
sult, and on this, with a camel s hair-brush, the drawing is 
made, with a metallic ink. This ink has the property of 
hardening the composition wherever it touches, so effect 
ually as to permit of the untouched part being brushed 
away with a velvet buffer, without breaking or disturbing 
the lines drawn, which remain in relief. The plate is then 
effectually hardened by a chemical liquid, and a plaster 
cast taken of it, which is the matrix from which a stereo 
type is made, and from this the engraving is printed. 

In these grave and thoughtful times, when war dwells in 
the land, and few households are without a vacant chair, I 
have yet thought fit to bring this volume before the Public, 
believing that to turn for a little while from the contempla 
tion of war and its horrors to the simple story of a quiet 
country life, as herein set forth, is good for the heart and 
mind. B G 

NEW YORK, March 17, 1865. 



IN PRESS. 

To be Published during the Summer. 
MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 

WITH AN OCCASIONAL FELICITY BY WAY OF A CONTRAST. 
BY BARRY GRAY. 

" We have a hope and a wish. The hope is, that the writer in the Home Jour 
nal, on Matrimonial Infelicities, has a few more articles of the same sort left. 
And the wish, that they may be embodied in a volume. They are so full of human 
nature, BO full of fun at the expense of water-weak husbands, there is no doubt of 
its making a good Doctor-Book. Besides the laughter and the mirth generated, 
there is a spice of deep comfort in these papers. Every paragraph, almost, goes 
right home to the consciousness of the individual, giving aid and comfort in the 
direction indicated by that spiteful old French curmudgeon, who first enunciated 
the sentiment, that the misfortunes of our best friends were not without a mite of 
pleasurableness to the very best of us. To make it apply : Suppose a lady has a 
husband who is everlastingly growling ; there is some pleasure in the intelligence 
that some other woman has a similar contemptibility. Supposing, on the other 
hand, the husband has ordinary prudence ; has a wholesome fear of debts, difficul 
ties, and due-bills, and spies hobgoblins dire in an unruled household hence, to be 
master of the situation, exercises a quiet, steady, and firm control over the 
whole domain, exacting regularity, system, promptitude, economies, and healthful 
observances, requiring in all cases that actual possession must precede disburse 
ments it is not a wonder that, when once hi a decade a woman is found to be the 
owner of such a husband, number one feels glad of it, on the ground that mis 
ery loves company, albeit that said misery is in Betty Martin s eye. There is one 
difficulty in reading the Matrimonial Arenas, each party will look over the other 
side of the fence instead of at itself. The wife exclaims, when the husband gets a 
dig, that s him, exactly ; and the husband, when the poor, oppressed, suffer 
ing wife comes off second best, asseverates, with an almost savage delight, That s 
my wife to a T. Thank my stars, I m not alone in my misfortunes. We will ven 
ture the assertion that no series of articles domestic, since the Caudle Lectures 
and Sparrowgrass Papers, have been read with such a peculiar gusto as the Mat 
rimonial Infelicities in the Home Journal. Why, one of the Infelicities is worth 
the price of the subscription ; for example, when Hubby forgot to kiss his wife until 
he had taken his seat in the omnibus, and then went back and got a dozen."* 
HalVs Journal of Health. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 



CHAPTER I. 

My Married Friends. A Private Letter of Inquiry. Shirt-Buttons. 
Reasons for Marrying. Owning no Tailor. Final Bachelor Acts. 
Getting Married. Is it a Dream ? Eeading Marriage Notice. Dull 
Newspaper. Marriage Certificate. 

SENT to the city for some wines, and 
then, when they came, I got married. 
It was a grave thing for a bachelor of 
my age to marry. It required consid 
erable nerve and resolution on my part 
to relinquish the careless life I had 
been leading for thirty odd years, and 
assume the responsibilities devolving upon 
a married man. I smoked a large number of ci 
gars, and drank a great many bottles of Scotch ale, 
before I finally decided to take the step I did. I, more 
over, took the precaution of visiting several of my inti 
mate friends who were married and had families, with 
a view to learn whether they were as happy in their new 
position as they had been in the olden one. But, bless 
me ! I could n t tell anything about it. They were all 
prepared for my coming; the husbands put on their 
most gracious tones, and the wives their prettiest ways, 
while the children were severally drilled into an extra 
degree of politeness. I was company, and therefore was 
treated as such. 

I even went so far, in my extreme cautiousness, as to 




2 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

write a strictly private letter to my brother-in-law, who 
lives " Out West," asking his advice in the matter ; and I 
must confess his reply was most encouraging and highly 
satisfactory, though I afterward discovered that his wife, 
my respected sister, had dictated, word by word, the answer. 

Aside from love, there were certain reasons, I am free 
to confess, which had weight in influencing me to marry. 
In the first place, the lady who had the honor to be the 
object of my respectful admiration, and who is now my 
wife, knew how to make coffee. I will say that she ex 
celled in that particular accomplishment. Nowhere have 
I ever found any coffee worthy of being compared to that 
she concocted. In fact, it was a cup of coffee that she 
made which caused me first to think of asking her to be 
my wife. I am very fond of coffee, no man can be more 
so. It is as food, clothes, and books to me. Deprive me 
of it, and I am but a common man, a mere cipher, an un 
known individual ; but feed me with it, and I am, at the 
lowest, a poet, and with every cup grade upward a step 
higher. While under the influence which that first cup of 
coffee produced, I addressed some lines to my intended, 
which were published in the " Home Journal." These I 
sent to her anonymously ; but when next we met. I thought 
I discovered, by her manners, Avhich were most pleasing, 
that she suspected me of being the author. In a confiden 
tial conversation, which took place one night since our mar 
riage, between us, I learned that this supposition of mine was 
correct, and that she not only suspected, but fully believed I 
was the author, from the circumstance that the handwriting 
of her address, which accompanied the lines in question, 
was a perfect fac-simile of one I had previously sent her. 
It seems very strange to me now that this little fact es 
caped my attention at that time. 

That I might obtain a cup of excellent coffee, then, was 
one reason why I decided to marry ; and another rea 
son was buttons. I had a mind above buttons, therefore 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 3 

1 would not sew them on myself, and it was not perfectly 
convenient for me to keep a tailor at my elbow. A tailor 
in one s house is, perhaps, an excellent institution ; but 
when, like myself, you have no house, and only one room, 
six by nine, it may not accord exactly with your ideas of 
economy to keep a tailor, especially as he would expect to 
sharc^your bed, and, most likely, desire to use your brushes 
and combs, razors and towels, and similar articles of your 
personal property. Rather, therefore, than submit to so 
great an inconvenience as that of owning a tailor, I would 
prefer to take to myself a wife, even if she possessed no 
more than the necessary articles of her toilet. 

With me, things especially my pantaloons were fast 
arriving at a crisis. I should soon be in no condition to 
visit among our best society," but should be obliged to 
emigrate to some sunny isle like Typee, where, after all, I 
might be obliged to wed a deserted Fayaway. Preferring, 
therefore, either to a tailor or Typee, a wife, I re 
solved to become a Benedict. 

Between the arrival of the wine and the wedding-day, 
though but a brief season, I accomplished much. I settled 
an account at my washer-woman s ; I sold a fighting-dog, 
which an inconsiderate sporting friend left me when he 
died ; I burnt a package of old letters, tied with faded blue 
ribbons, which had been in a secret corner of my writing- 
desk many years ; I cast to the winds several ringlets of 
once glossy hair ; I rubbed out three daguerreotypes ; I 
exchanged several little articles of jewelry, that, somehow, 
chanced to be in my possession, for a plain gold ring ; I 
presented my night-key, with a few appropriate words of 
advice, to the young man who was to occupy my place at 
our boarding-house " ; I read up Mrs. Caudle s " Curtain 
Lectures " ; I inquired the price of meat at the butcher s, 
and was astonished to find it so high, the same of bread 

O 

at the baker s, and also of various groceries at the corner- 
store. Then I remembered that I was going to live in the 



4 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

country, and I felt very thankful that there were no shops 
of any kind near by. I have an indistinct recollection, 
moreover, of drinking sundry glasses of ale, about that 
tune, with bachelor friends, and making several little 
speeches farewell addresses, I may call them perti 
nent to the occasion, some of which, I believe, were re 
ported in the daily papers at the time, and attracted con 
siderable attention. 

At last the day came, and with it the parson, the ring, 
the cake, the champagne, and all that sort of thing. After 
the parson had read the service, and the ring was put on. 
and the cake cut, and the champagne opened, we, that is 
my wife and her husband, departed in the cars. Yet for 
all this it did not seem to me as though I were a married 
man. I mentioned as much to Mrs. Gray, who, in reply, 
stated it did not seem to her that she was a married 
woman. I deemed this a very singular coincidence, and 
made a note of it, at the time, in my memorandum-book. 
I could but think that all that had passed, and was passing, 
would prove to be simply a dream, and nothing more, and 
that when the cars stopped I should wake from it, and lose 
the little hand which I held clasped so closely in mine, and 
hear no longer the sweet-toned voice that was music to my 
ears, and see no more the joyous face which was beaming 
upon me. But none of these things, I am pleased to say, 
happened, though it seemed none the less a dream. 

When a few days afterwards, however, I read a notice 
of our marriage in the newspaper, I felt that it might be 
true. Nevertheless, I took the precaution, for the sake of 
future reference, if at any time doubts should arise respect 
ing it, to cut the article in question out of the paper, and 
preserve it in my pocket-book. I took occasion to read 
this little notice aloud to my wife many times during the 
day, and its perusal each time gave me infinite and peculiar 
satisfaction. It seemed to me that the phraseology of it 
was excellent. Indeed, viewed simply in a literary point 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 5 

of view, it was perfect ; much superior, I remarked to Mrs. 
B. G., than the general run of such articles. She fully 
coincided with me as regarded its merits, and expressed 
herself highly pleased with it. My wife also mentioned to 
me that there did not appear to be anything else worth 
reading in the paper, and after a careful examination my 
self. I^could see nothing of interest in its columns. This 
surprised me exceedingly, as in general I considered the 
paper a very readable one. 

Not, however, till our return home from the wedding- 
tour, and I had obtained from the parson who performed 
the ceremony a marriage certificate, which I have had 
framed and hung in a conspicuous place in our chamber, 
did I fully realize that I was a husband. 

The honeymoon, which promises to be a very long one, 
has not yet passed, though the summer has fled and the 
autumn is fast wasting away. Mrs. Gray already calls me 
by my Christian name, although, as yet, I have not dared 
to venture upon so much familiarity with her, but hope to 
be able so to do somewhere about Christmas. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER II. 

My Wife. Envious Bachelors. Mrs. G. s Remarks thereon. Depri 
vations. Mr. Hayward done for. Dr. Philtre. Carving. My 
Children in Utopia. Confidence. A Breakfast. Spring Chickens 
versus Old Red. 

T is a fine thing, I find, to be a married man. 
There is something peculiarly gratifying to one s 
own feelings in being able to speak of u my wife." 
When I am among my bachelor friends, I take great 
delight in thus alluding to Mrs. Gray. It tells with re 
markable effect. It seems to me that my old companions 
treat me with more respect now than they did previous to 
my marriage. I sometimes think that they look on me 
with feelings almost akin to envy ; especially when they 
meet me in the street accompanied by Mrs. Gray, or when 
they see her seated by my side as we ride to church. For 
my own part, and I am free to confess it, I am pleased 
that they should thus regard me. I mentioned as much to 
Mrs. G., and was astonished to find that she did not co 
incide with me in this matter ; for, as she very truly, and 
I think, feelingly, remarked, " You know, Barry, that it 
would not be possible for me to marry all of them ; and 
envy is a passion which should not be tolerated in any 
Christian s bosom." Of course, I acknowledged the pro 
priety of this remark, but at the same time it did not in 
the least change my feelings. 

It is a fine thing, I repeat it, to be a married man. 
There are, to be sure, sundry habits, which, though irreg 
ular, still are permissible in the bachelor, that the husband 
is expected to resign. For instance, I am no longer per- 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 7 

mitted to smoke after dinner, while lingering at the table, 
nor yet in the parlor of an evening, though at my old 
boarding-house such acts were not considered improper. 
Then, again, I am not allowed even to drink a glass of ale, 
except when prescribed by our family physician. This, to 
me, is a groat deprivation. I had not thought I should be 
required^ to give up this trifling source of enjoyment. I 
came very near getting eight dozen of Scotch ale on my 
hands. I had gone so far as to write to my friend Richard 
Ilaywarcle, inquiring the price of said beverage. When 
his reply came, I was foolish enough to show it to Mrs. B. 
G. " If, said she, (i as this wine-merchant writes, half 
the ale which is sold in this market for Scotch never saw 
the land of Burns, then I recommend to you, Mr. Gray, 
not to purchase any; for." continued she, -if you take his 
own word for it, four dozen of that you propose buying 
would, of course, be manufactured in this country." There 
was a roguish sparkle in Mrs. G. s eyes, as she said this, 
which was delightful to behold. Her rejoinder. I thought, 
was complete ; and as I could not gainsay it, I forgot to 
send the order as I had intended. Living out of town as I 
do, too, it is no easy matter for me to see our family phy 
sician, Dr. Philtre, to get him to prescribe for me every 
time I am ailing. Sometimes, when I go to the post-office 
for my letters, I avail myself of the opportunity to call on 
him for medical advice. It is surprising how well he un 
derstands the nature of my complaint. His prescriptions I 
have no hesitation in following implicitly. In these Maine- 
law days how good a thing it is to find, not only a conscien 
tious, but an accommodating physician, as is my friend, 
Dr. Philtre ! 

Notwithstanding these, and certain other little drawbacks 
upon the liberty of a husband, yet it is a fine thing to be a 
married man. To find one s self the head of the house 
hold ! To sit at the top of the table, opposite one s wife, 
and carve ! Sometimes, at mv boarding-place, Avhen the 

f O J. 



S MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

white-haired old gentleman who occupied, by courtesy of 
the landlady, this post of honor, was absent, I have been 
invited to take his place ; but it was always with a degree 
of nervousness which rendered the position anything but 
agreeable. Now, however, it is different. Seated at my 
own board, with only Mrs. Gray to watch me, I am fast 
becoming a skilful and scientific carver. To be sure, on 
Thanksgiving Day, when a young physician and his wife 
took dinner with me, I managed to deposit the turkey I 
was carving upon the floor ; but that was entirely owing, I 
believe, to the fork slipping from its proper place, and not 
in any degree to my awkwardness or lack of skill. 

It is, as I said before, a fine thing to be a married man. 
There is a prospect in the future before him, which the 
bachelor can never behold ; or, at least, is seen by the lat 
ter only as through a glass, darkly. I refer to beholding 
in one s house what the poet calls a well-spring of pleas 
ure." I took the liberty of saying as much to Mrs. Gray. 
She replied, " that I would much oblige her if I would re 
frain from ever again alluding to that subject." Since then 
I have, with one exception, passed over the matter in si 
lence. About a year since I wrote a little story for one of 
the newspapers, entitled u My Children in Utopia." Some 
of you, perhaps, may have seen it. Mrs. G. had not. One 
evening, as we were sitting comfortably before the blazing 
wood-fire, with a plate of apples and some cider on the 
table beside us, I chanced to think of this story, and, with 
little forethought, asked my wife if she had ever seen " My 
Children in Utopia." She answered, with some asperity 
and shortness, u No ! " adding, after a pause, " that, if they 
were in the place I said they were, she hoped they d stay 
there." It required nice management on my part to mol 
lify Mrs. B. G. and satisfy her that I referred only to ficti 
tious beings, creatures solely of my imagination. After I 
had read to her the story, she said it was very pretty, but 
that she wished, from the bottom of her heart. I would not 
write any more like it ! 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 9 

Is it not a fine thing to be a married man ? To possess 
unlimited confidence in your buttons ; to feel certain that 
there are no holes in your coats no rents in your panta 
loons ; to be able to put on your stockings without stopping 
to darn them ; to have warm water to shave with, and a 
looking-glass somewhat larger than a tea-plate in which to 
admire yourself ; to know you can have your favorite meat 
for dinner, and to possess the privilege of investigating the 
pantry just before retiring at night ; to find, when you 
come into the house, your easy-chair drawn up in front of 
the fire, your slippers lying beside it, and your dressing- 
gown resting on its back ; lastly, and best of all, to be 
greeted with a pleasant word, a sunny smile, and, if you are 
deserving of it, something more beside. 

It certainly is a fine thing to be a married man ; espe 
cially if one lives in the country and keeps house. It is 
pleasant to have your friends visit you ; and a breakfast 
in the country is delightful. It does n t cost much either to 
get one up : a pair of spring chickens, some fresh eggs, 
new butter, rich cream, Mocha coffee, and a few light rolls, 
are all that are necessary ; and the pleasure you take in 
seeing your friends more than compensates you for all the 
trouble. Looking on the affair in this lijrht, I took the 

o o } 

liberty, shortly after I was married, without consulting Mrs. 
Gray in the matter, to invite a half-dozen of my bachelor 
friends to breakfast. When I told Mrs. G. what I had 
done, I supposed she would be as pleased as I was with the 
arrangement. I found, however, the reverse to be the 
case. I had evidently committed a serious blunder. For, 
instead of a smile, I saw, almost, a frown. I began to fear 
the honeymoon was over. " Who," asked Mrs. G., " of all 
your boon companions, Mr. Gray, have you been pleased 
to invite ? " When I had enumerated their names, she 
made some striking comments in regard to them. I had 
always thought they were good fellows ; but my confidence 
in them thenceforth was shaken. I wondered how I could 



10 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

have been so blind to their numerous faults. It was cer 
tainly astonishing. I was sorry that I had invited such 
men. Then, too, I found that I had selected for the oc 
casion what my wife was pleased to term " washing-day." 
This is an institution which, in my bachelor calendar, was 
entirely unknown, and is, I have since learned, purely of a 
domestic character. It may not be, perhaps, worth while 
to state all that passed between Mrs. Gray and myself at 
this lamentable period. Suffice it to say that the breakfast 
in question did not pass off as pleasantly as I hoped it 
would. The chickens proved to be tough ; the eggs were 
boiled at least three minutes longer than thev should have 

o */ 

been ; the butter lacked salt ; the rolls were undone : only 
the coffee merited praise ; and, to crown all. my wife was 
afflicted with a nervous headache that morning, and, conse 
quently, did not make her appearance. After breakfast, 
when I took my friends out to the barn-yard to show them 
my fowls, especially the " Old Red," I discovered he was 
missing. Upon questioning the black boy in regard to his 
whereabouts, he replied that he "guessed the gentlemen 
had eaten him for breakfast." This accounted for the par 
ticular toughness of one, at least, of what I supposed were 
spring chickens. lie must have broken shell, however, 
many springs ago. I considered him the patriarch of the 
barn-yard, the identical " cock that crowed in the morn, 
to wake the priest all shaven and shorn," the chanticleer 
who was the envy of all other chanticleers in the vicinity, 
and the pride and glory of the hens for miles around ; who 
had spurs three inches long, and whose voice, in the early 
morning, rang out like the clarion trumpet. "\Yhcn my 
friend Frank took from his pocket a spur, which I identi 
fied as belonging to my gallinaceous favorite, I felt that 
there was no longer any doubt as to what had become of 
him ; especially when Frank said he was preserving it as 
a memento of the breakfast which he had partaken, and 
also as a sample of what my spring chickens were capable 
of producing. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. H 

It is scarcely necessary for me to add that I have given 
no more breakfasts to bachelor friends. I do not think 
that, in the long run, they will "pay." I fear, too, that 
Mrs. Gray does not regard them in a favorable light, else 
why did she have so severe a headache ? In consideration 
of these points, therefore, Mrs. G. and myself usually take 
this nieal*alone together. Yet, notwithstanding all this, I 
honestly believe that it is a fine thing to be a married 
man ! 



12 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER in. 

Dining out. Going home. Curtain drops. " Home, sweet Home." 
How a Husband feels. Little Black Boy. Our Barn. Angry Cook. 
Bells. Belated Dinner. Indignant Wife. Honeymoon returns. 

RECEIVED an invitation a day or two since, while 
in the village, to remain and dine with a friend. 
The person who invited me was one of my bach 
elor companions. I regard him in the light of a brother. 
Even Mrs. Gray alludes to him in favorable terms. He 
never smokes, nor drinks, nor talks in a boisterous man 
ner, nor laughs aloud, four things that my wife partic 
ularly dislikes. Had he been one whom Mrs. Gray does 
not admire, I should have declined; as it was, I had no 
scruples or hesitation in accepting. We dined at the hotel, 
where we had a cheerful time, and afterwards passed an 
hour in pleasant talk. On my way home, as I neared 
" Hillside," I confess to feeling a little uncomfortable. I 
had told Mrs. Gray that I should be home to dinner. 
Living in the country, as we do, we have adopted country 
customs, consequently our dinner-hour is one o clock. It 
was then for I looked at my watch just as I got in sight 
of the house three forty, according to railroad time. I 
did really hope that my wife had not kept dinner waiting 
for me. I feared, if she had, that it was spoiled. I said 
so to the old black horse, as he went slowly up the hill. I 
have no doubt but he understood me, for he pricked up his 
ears and gave his tail a fling, and whinnied as though he 
feared his oats were spoiling. I then remembered, too, 
that Mrs. Gray asked me, just before I started for town, 
hour she should have dinner on the table. I had 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 13 

replied, the usual hour. She said she was thus partic 
ular in inquiring because she intended to have for dinner a 
favorite dish of mine, namely, chicken-pie. I had forgotten 
this when I accepted Frank s invitation, but now it re 
turned to my mind most forcibly. I would have given 
much if I had not dined abroad. I fervently hoped that 
Mrs. Barny had not waited for me, but had herself quietly 
partaken of the noontide meal. I feared, however, I was 
hoping against hope. I was certain of this when, as I en 
tered the gate, I saw the curtain drop at the bay-window. 
J knew, then, that Mrs. Gray was watching me from behind 
it. I felt that I was blushing, and it vexed me to know it. 
I assumed a careless air, and struck the horse slightly once 
or twice with my whip. I even essayed to whistle a stave 
or two of " Home, sweefc home ! " I felt, though, that it was 
a failure, it sounded so much like " Hark, from the tombs ! " 
My wife usually opens the door for me on my return 
from the village. On this occasion, however, it remained 
obstinately closed. Fortunately, I was in no hurry to go 
in, so I followed my horse to the stable, and gave some 
directions, in regard to him, to the little colored boy who 
does the " chores." I spent some time in the stable and 
about the barn before I was ready to enter the house. It 
seemed to me exactly as if I were afraid to go in. I am 
not naturally a coward, nor even timid. I may be diffident 
and shv, but these feelings are entirelv different from those 

J i O v 

I then experienced. I have no recollection of ever having 
had similar ones when I was a bachelor. I am satisfied, 
indeed, that it is only the husband who can thus feel. It 
took me a long while to make up my mind to seek my wife. 
Before I did, I sent the little black boy in to get of Mrs. 
Gray some saddler s sewing-silk, intending, while I was in 
the stable, to repair one of the reins. When the colored 
boy came back, I asked him if Mrs. Gray had sent any 
message to me. He replied, " No ! " I confess I was disap 
pointed. I had hoped that she would at least have asked 



14 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

as to what was detaining me from her side. Her silence 
seemed ominous of evil. As a general thing, she is fond 
of my society. I thought so before we were married, and 
up to this time I had fully believed it. I began to feel 
very badly. 

After a few minutes consideration, I concluded to try 
her again. " She 11 be sorry," I said to myself, ; that she 
did not inquire about me, and will wish she had ; I 11 give 
her another opportunity." So I sent the above-mentioned 
colored lad to her for some wax. This time he did not 
come back. I grew weary of waiting for him. The sun was 
getting low and the air chilly. I feared I was taking cold. 
It was not comfortable in the barn. It appeared to me to 
be even colder than barns usually are. I think the cracks 
between the boards must be wideB than can be found else 
where. When I looked through one of them towards the 
house, I discovered the little black wretch sawing wood. 
I stepped to the door and telegraphed with my hand for 
him to come to me ; but he shook his woolly pate, and, 
showing his ivories, distinctly gave me to understand that 
I could not be favored with his presence, because, as he 
shouted, Mrs. Gray had set him to doing up his chores. I 
don t like to get angry. I don t think it conducive to 
health. Besides, I believe it, in a moral point of view, to 
be wrong. Yet I confess to feeling thus at that moment ; 
and my resentment covered the whole world generally, and 
that little darkey in particular. When, a few minutes 
thereafter, just as the hens were going to roost. I went into 
the house, I accidentally trod on that little black boy, and 
I must say I hoped he would cry, but he did n t ; he only 
grinned at me in derision. I made up my mind, then, to 
flog him the first opportunity. I hate little black boys. I 
think they suck eggs. Since my bachelor friends break 
fasted with me, we ve been short of eggs. 

I took the precaution of entering the house by the back 
way. By so doing I escaped passing the room where I 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 15 

knew Mrs. Gray was sitting, probably with the door ajar. 
In avoiding Scylla, however, I ran upon Charybdis, for, as 
J walked through the kitchen, the cook looked daggers at 
me. I think an angry cook is a terrible being. I believe 
my knees shook under me. I felt that a crisis was ap 
proaching. Instead of entering the sitting-room, I passed 
directly. to the library. The fire was out, and the room 
cold ; yet I sat down, and tried to read " Maud." It was 
maudlin, to me : I could make nothing of it. In a few 
minutes I heard some one come down the hall on tiptoe, 
and stop near the library door. I thought it was my wife, 
and nerved myself to meet her. I grasped tighter the arms 
of my easy-chair, and half in joy, half in fear, I waited for 
the opening of the door. But I waited in vain. Instead, 
came the sound of a bell rung by my ebony friend. I felt 
certain it meant dinner. I know well the sound, and can 
never be deceived. I may hear it any hour of the twenty- 
four, and to whatever meal it calls I am sure to be able to 
tell. There is a sharp sound to the breakfast-bell, which 
speaks plainly of coffee ; and a lazy tinkle to the supper- 
bell, which is equally distinct as to tea ; while the dinner- 
bell has a full round tone that tells unmistakably of roast 
ed beef. As a usual thing, I " admire " to hear the dinner- 
bell, except when, as this did, it speaks of an overdone 
chicken-pie and a deeply injured wife ! 

I looked at my watch, and found it was five o clock. I 
could not help thinking it was a fashionable hour for din 
ner. As I entered the dining-room, I mentioned as rmich 
to Mrs. Gray, who already occupied her seat at the table. 
She wished to know whether I said that as a piece of 
pleasantry, or with an intention to insult her ! Of course 
I disclaimed all desire as to the last. I felt that the honey 
moon was again in danger of setting. As I anticipated, 
the chicken-pie was done rather brown. Had the cutting 
of it required much skill, I should have blundered in it 
sadly. It was lucky for me that there was no gravy to spill 



16 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

on the cloth. I felt nervous. My hand trembled. I was 
very thankful when Mrs. Gray and myself were helped to 
the pie. 

When I came to offer Mrs. Gray what I supposed, from 
their appearance, were mashed turnips, she indignantly 
denied them, and said they were potatoes. " Yes, Mr. 
Gray, potatoes but boiled to pieces." 

There was a dish, however, which I felt sure contained 
sliced turnips, so, placing a spoon within it. I said, You 
will at least allow me, my dear, to give you some turnips ! 

" Turnips, Mr. Gray ? They are beets, though their 
color has boiled away." 

I gave it up then ; and to whatever else I helped Mrs 
Barry, I took the precaution to point at, and ask if she 
would permit me to give her some of this. I was glad 
when the meal came to an end. It had been a silent one. 
though at first I tried to converse, yet, as Mrs. Gray re 
plied to me only in monosyllables, I soon ceased to speak. 

In a letter which I wrote, just before I was married, to 
my brother-in-law, who lives " Out West," I asked him 
what course he pursued with his wife when she was out of 
humor. He replied that, for his own part, he kissed her 
into good-humor, though an acquaintance of his pursued 
a somewhat different plan, and swore terribly at his wife. 
He did not himself know which was the better way. but 
thought I might discover by experimenting. I confess 
that his letter shocked me. I half suspected he was jok 
ing, only he seldom jokes. So I " might discover by ex 
perimenting " which was the better plan. I resolved, when 
I read his letter, that I would do no such thing. I would 
follow his course, and trust to its being a wise one. 

So now I determined to adopt it. When, therefore, we 
arose from the table, I took the liberty of kissing Mrs. 
Gray. The effect was magical. Smiles overcame the 
frowns, and the honeymoon returned in all its glory. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 17 




CHAPTER IV. 

,* ( 

I propose a Christmas Dinner. My Brother-in-Law s Plan. Cost of a 
Dinner. A Cart-load of Turkeys. My Bachelor Friends. The 
Strangers I wished to invite. Mrs. Gray s Feelings. Explanation. 
The Dinner. Abeliue. Act of Thankfulness. My Speech. Mrs. 
Gray s Opinion of it. My Modesty. 

DAY or two before Christmas I asked Mrs. Gray 
what she thought of our giving a Christmas din- 
ner, and inviting thereto a few friends. She re 
plied that she had not thought of it at all. The tone of 
voice in which Mrs. Gray answered was not in the least 
encouraging. It sounded to me very like as if she had 
said, Xo ! Mr. Gray ; a breakfast to bachelor friends 
is all-sufficient, without thinking of a Christmas dinner." 
Most husbands would have felt discouraged at this reply, 
and would incontinently have dropped the subject. But I 
was not thus easily repulsed ; so I continued, " "Well, my 
dear, the affair is worth thinking about : a Christmas din 
ner, remember, can be given but once a year." Here 
Mrs. Gray remarked that, for her part, she was glad of it. 
" Though, to be sure, my love," I continued, not heeding 
her interruption, " every meal I partake of with you seems 
to me like a Christmas dinner." I noticed hereupon that 
Mrs. Gray smiled, though she said not a word. The smile, 
however, was a favorable one. 

In a letter I received, a short time since, from my broth 
er-in-law, who lives " Out "West," he wrote that, by a little 
well-timed flattery, he could persuade his wife, my respected 
sister, to yield many points, which, as Elder Sniffles re 
marks, she had " set her face like a flint against." I 
2 



18 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

thought it well to adopt such a course with Mrs. Gray, 
and it was in pursuance of this plan, therefore, that I al 
lowed myself so touchingly to allude to our solitary repasts. 
Whether I had effected my purpose I could not immedi 
ately tell, for Mrs. Gray just then was called away by 
household duties. 

That evening, however, at supper, the subject was re 
sumed by my wife saying, " If we give this Christmas din 
ner, Mr. Gray, I fear we shall have nothing in the house 
for New- Year s Day. A dinner such as you would desire 
to set before your friends will cost money. It will be an 
expensive affair, and you know how ill we can afford it ! " 

It is as good as a small fortune for a man to possess 
an economical wife. I said as much to Mrs. Gray. She 
replied by handing me a bit of paper, on which, as she re 
marked, she had figured up the cost of a Christmas dinner. 
I must say that I was astonished at the amount required. 
I had no idea that a quarter of the sum named would be 
necessary. I pondered on it : I became lost in calculations, 
and was only recalled to consciousness by something my 
wife said about cold coffee. After I had straightened my 
self in my chair, and my cup had been replenished, I turned 
to Mrs. Gray and asked her Avhat she proposed doing. In 
reply, she said, "Just think, my dear, of the many poor 
families who, with the money this banquet would cost, 
might be made happy by our sending each of them a turkey 
for their Christmas dinner, and yet we have one left for 
ourselves." After a little ciphering in my head, I found, to 
my surprise, that, at a cost of seventy-five cents per turkey, 
I could purchase with the above-named amount almost a 
cart-load. It would certainly be charitable, I thought, for 
me to follow out this suggestion of Mrs. Gray s ; but then 
it is a pleasant thing to see one s friends around the Christ 
mas board, to believe that they are happy, and, so long 
at least as the dinner lasts, consider their entertainers in a 
favorable light. I had thought of this dinner for some 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 19 

time long before I mentioned the subject to Mrs. Gray. 
Somehow, I kept putting off speaking to her about it, just 
as though I dreaded doing so, and was afraid she would 
raise objections. Had I waited eight-and-forty hours lon 
ger, there would have been no necessity for alluding to it at 
all, as Christmas then would have been over. As it was, I 
had deferred to the last minute introducing the matter to 

O 

Mrs. Gray. I had even hinted to several of my bachelor 
friends, weeks previous, that such an affair was likely to 
occur at Hillside. Two or three, I knew, considered 
themselves as gcod as invited, and had casually asked me 
whether I had sent a Christmas order for wines to my 
wine-merchant, in town. It was provoking to think that, 
after all. they might have to go farther, and, perhaps, 
fare worse. I said so to Mrs. Gray. I think she was 
rather pleased than otherwise at the prospect before them. 
I felt that I had got myself into a dilemma. I saw that 
my wife was decidedly opposed to giving a Christmas din 
ner. I was certain that, if it came off, she would be pre 
vented by a nervous headache from being present. But 
then, again, I knew that my friends would be dreadfully 
disappointed should it not take place, and, maybe, it might 
end in a duel. I told Mrs. Barry so ; but she laughed out 
right, and said I need not fear them, and called them " ar 
rant cowards." She added, too, that they were afraid of 
her, and I believe it, for they don t come out to Hillside 
to see me, half so often as they used to. My mind was 
fearfully perplexed in the matter, how to decide ; so I 
agreed with Mrs. Gray to let the affair lay over till the fol 
lowing day. 

The next morning, therefore, at breakfast, I said to Mrs. 
Gray that the thing was settled ; and I felt that, under the 
circumstances, a Christmas dinner was indispensable. I 
saw that my wife was disappointed I will not say dis 
pleased, for that is a harsh word at my decision. I no 
ticed her hand trembled slightly as she poured out my cup 



20 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

of coffee, and the ribbons on her morning cap fluttered 
more than usual. My own heart was troubled within me. 
I half repented of my decision. After a silence between 
us of some minutes, she asked in a faltering voice, which 
she strove, however, to steady, who she might expect to 
have the pleasure of dining with on the morrow. I replied 
that I thought of inviting Hiawatha and Maud, Mr. and 
Mrs. Sparrowgrass, together with Paul Fane, and Poca- 
hontas, the Chieftain s Daughter. Somewhat perplexed 
and astonished, Mrs. Gray remarked that she was not ac 
quainted with these persons, and hoped, for goodness sake, 
that I would n t invite a lot of strangers. " At the very 
worst, Mr. Gray," she continued, " I had thought to see 
two or three of your abominable bachelor friends ; and 
now, to have to entertain a whole raft of people who I am 
sure nobody knows, is altogether too bad, and I can t en 
dure it. If I were as strong and healthy as some ladies 
are, Mr. Gray, it might be a different thing ; but subject, 
as you know I am, to nervous headaches, it is not right or 
considei ate in you to expect me to entertain company." 

There were tears in my wife s eyes, as she made this little 
speech, which affected me to behold : so I hastened to re 
lieve her mind on the subject. "My dear," I said, " permit 
me to explain. I am joking nothing more. Don t you 
remember the poem about the Indian chief, Hiawatha, I 
read to you the other evening, when you fell asleep in your 
chair ? " My wife nodded her head. " And Maud, too," I 
continued ; " you have not forgotten her the young lady 
who has received so many invitations lately through the 
newspapers, to come to the garden. I thought I d ask 
her to come to Hillside ; but now that I see you feel so 
badly about it, I won t send her the invitation." Mrs. Gray 
still remaining in doubt, I explained further. " In regard 
to Mr. and Mrs. Sparrowgrass, love, you know that they, 
like ourselves, are living in the country ; Mr. S., you 
will recollect, owns a playful horse, so I thought like 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 21 

enough he d be pleased to drive him out here, and bring 
Mrs. S. along." Mrs. Gray still appearing greatly per 
plexed, I continued my explanation. " As relates to Paul 
Fane, why, I am free to confess, I know very little about 
him. I have merely seen his name mentioned in the daily 
journals, and, moreover, understand that Mr. Willis ac 
knowledges himself to be his father. How this is, I cannot 
really say ; but perhaps Mr. Willis will himself fully ex 
plain the matter to you. Of Pocahontas, the Chieftain s 
Daughter, however, I can simply say that she once lived in 
Virginia, and is a child of my friend, General Morris." It 
was surprising to me, at least, how very long it was before 
Mrs. Gray comprehended my joke. After I had rendered 
her these explanations, she expressed doubts in regard to 
the paternity of Mr. Fane and Miss Pocahontas, asking, 
while a blush mantled her cheek, how they came to bear 
names different from their fathers. I often grieve over 
Mrs. Gray s slowness in understanding a joke. That she 
is quick enough in some things, I am well convinced. Oc 
casionally she makes a remark that, for brilliancy, sur 
passes anything of which her husband is capable. Even 
after I supposed that all had been made clear to her, 
she astonished me by exclaiming that she was glad 
those strange people were not coining to Hillside, Christ 
mas. 

So it turned out that Mrs. G. and myself partook of our 
Christmas dinner alone together. I was sorry, though, 
that my friend, the doctor, was not present to mark the 
improvement I had made since Thanksgiving-day in carv 
ing the turkey which graced our round table. After the 
cloth was removed, I took the liberty of introducing on the 
table, with the coffee, a bottle of old Madeira. It was dur 
ing the imbibing of the wine that I addressed my wife in a 
more familiar manner than I had ever before allowed my 
self to do, namely, by her Christian name Abeline. At 



22 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

the same moment I astonished her by seizing her hand 
across the table, and shaking it in a violent and unusual 
manner. Perhaps it will be as well here to state that, 
whenever I tittered her name during the evening. I re 
peated this little act of greeting each time, to the increased 
wonder and delight of Mrs. Gray. In a private conversa 
tion which I held with Mrs. G. during the watches of the 
night, I apologized for my conduct. And although she ac 
cepted it, and said " it was highly satisfactory to her matri 
monial feelings," yet I am half fearful that it was not alto 
gether agreeable to her. As my wife, however, I consider 
that I have a perfect right to address her as Abeline. Her 
cousin, a young man fresh from college, rusticated, I hear, 
for misconduct, does not scruple, even in my presence, to 
call her so. Her family generally speak to her thus. 
Even some letters she receives bear that superscription, 
though all packages from dry-goods stores, etc., I notice, 
are marked distinctly " Mrs. Barry Gray." "Why, then, I 
wonder, cannot I say Abeline ? I like the name and to 
my ears it has a most musical cadence. I think I shall 
adopt it altogether hereafter, and make it a household 
word. 

Before the night Christmas night closed in. and 
while yet the nuts and wine were on the table, after the 
health of the many uninvited guests had been proposed by 
me and drank, I made to Mrs. Gray, if I may take her 
word for it, a delightful little speech. It is barely possible 
that this gem may find its way, by and by. into the nesvs- 
papers. My wife, when alluding to it at the " sewing so 
ciety," a day or two thereafter, to a select circle of friends, 
including the parson s wife, convened in a corner, praised 
it very warmly, and said she thought it equalled, if it did 
not surpass, some sermons to which she had listened. I 
have, of course, my own private opinion as to its merits, 
yet I feel it due to my modesty to state that I think Mrs. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 23 

Gray takes rather liigli grounds as regards its excellence. 
But if a generous amount could be raised by subscrip 
tion among my many admirers, to defray the expense 
of its publication, I think I might be induced to let a 
noble-hearted public judge for itself as to its beauty and 
worth. 



24 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER V. 

Mrs. Gray s Idea of a Sleigh-ride. My Brother-in-law s Rule. A Little 
Turn in the Yard. Who laughed? Stylish Sleigh-bells. Fleet 
Steed. Mrs. G. s Churchmanship. Picking Pockets. The Parson. 
Slightly Jealous. Original Remark. 

had a snow-storm at Hillside one night ; and 
the next morning, while at breakfast, 1 proposed 
to Mrs. Gray a sleigh-ride. I am happy to state 
that my proposal met with her entire approbation. It is 
so nice, Mr. G.," said she, " to go bounding over the fleecy 
snow, behind a fleet steed, well wrapped up in buffalo-robes, 
hearkening to the merry notes of sleigh-bells, and breath 
ing an atmosphere which, though cold, is yet delightful." 
It struck me that rny wife s remark was slightly poetical. I 
was in the act of raising a cup of coffee to my lips when 
she commenced speaking, but I paused, with the cup in 
mid-air, till she had finished. Even after she had con 
cluded, I remained in the same position, regarding her 
with astonishment. I paused so long she reminded me 
that not only was my coffee cooling, but I was spilling it on 
the table-cloth. Replacing the cup carefully by the side 
of my plate, and leaning slightly forward, I begged Mrs. 
Gray to repeat what she had just uttered in regard to 
" fleecy snow." Her only reply was, that I certainly was 
the most provoking man she had ever met. Most persons 
who know me will conclude from this that Mrs. G. has 
met but few men in her life. This, however, I have 
many reasons for thinking is not the case. 

In a private letter, written unknown to his wife, which I 
received, a few days since, from my brother-in-law, who 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 25 

lives " Out West," he remarked he had, early in his mar 
ried life, adopted the rule of never replying to, nor contra 
dicting his wife, my respected sister, when she chanced to 
make assertions of a nature to cause him unpleasant feel 
ings. I know that my brother-in-law makes a very good 
husband ; therefore, in many instances, I choose to adopt 
his rules is my own, and by so doing I reap a benefit. 

Instead, then, of replying to Mrs. Barry s last ungenerous 
remark, as some husbands would have done, I contented 
myself with praising the coffee, at the same time handing 
to her my cup to be refilled. It is surprising how suscep 
tible to praise or blame, in the matter of coifee, is the 
excellent Mrs. G. In the present instance, what I said 
brought to her face one of the sunny smiles which, when I 
was a bachelor, had so great an attraction for me. I really 
thought my second cup, partly sweetened as it was by her 
smile, surpassed any former one of Mrs. Gray s preparing. 
I mentioned to her as much. She replied that it was all 
my imagination, for she knew it was neither better nor 
worse than that she usually gave me. I am inclined to 
think, notwithstanding this assertion, that there was an 
extra egg used to settle the coffee in question. 

In resuming the subject of a sleigh-ride, my wife asked 
me where we should go. I replied I thought the village 
as good as anywhere. She said she thought so too. This 
point being settled, I ordered the little black boy, whom I 
suspect of sucking eggs, to harness the " sorrel " to the cut 
ter. "And," I added, " put some straw into the bottom of 
the sleigh ; and bring out the buffalo-robes ; and don t forget 
to put the bells on the horse." The little black bov grave 

* O 

me to understand that he would faithfully attend to my in 
structions. When he had retired, I told Mrs. Gray my 
suspicions in regard to him. She had herself, she re 
marked, noticed the small number of eggs the boy brought 
in from the hennery, but she supposed that it was owing 
to some of the hens ceasing to lay. " If the egg crop 



26 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

should fail entirely, Mrs. Gray," I said, " it would be a 
very bad thing." She replied that she guessed I would 
think so, if there were none to settle the coffee with. I 
resolved thenceforth to watch that little black boy more 
closely. I felt that it would be very wrong for us to be 
without eggs. Somehow, too, I was sorry that the old 
red" was dead. jSTot that I connected him exactly with 
the " egg troubles, " but because I thought that on a farm 
one ought to have an " old red." 

Being ready a few minutes before Mrs. Gray, I thought 
I would take a turn in the yard with the horse and sleigh, 
before starting for the village. Our yard is a good yard 
for the kind ; but there are two or three old stumps, stand 
ing here and there within the enclosure. I suggested, 
several times during the past summer, to Mrs. G. that it 
would be well to eradicate these aged stumps from the 
lawn, as they disfigured it sadly. My wife, however, 
thought otherwise. " They are nice," she said, " for vines 
to clamber over." I found, on the present occasion, that 
they were slightly in the way. Being hidden from sight 
by the snow, I accidentally drove upon the largest of them, 
and in consequence I was turned out of the sleigh, and 
nearly smothered in the snow. When I got up, 1 looked 
like a polar bear ; and I am sure I felt just as savage. I 
thought, too, I heard some one laugh. I turned around to 
see who it was who dared to laugh at me ; but there was 
nobody in sight except the little black boy ; and he. with 
his face from me, was busily engaged in cutting pump 
kins for the cows. I concluded, then, that it was a young 
rooster out at the barn trying to crow. I don t like incip 
ient chanticleers, unless they are broiled. One old red " 
would be worth a dozen of them. 

When I went into the house, after leading the horse 
back to where I started from, Mrs. Gray asked me what I 
had been doing. I replied, " I have been taking a little 
turn in the yard." As Mrs. G. and myself rode past, I 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 27 

i pointed out to her the exact spot where I took the turn. 
I She said that it did not surprise her, for I was such a rash 
j driver. She professed to be glad, however, that I was not 
i hurt. She supposed though that one of these days I 
i would be killed I was so reckless. Just then one run- 
i ner of the sleigh went into a hollow, and Mrs. Gray, grasp- 
i ing the lilies from my hands, caused the horse to swerve a 
i little, and over we went. After we had scrambled up, 
and I had righted the sleigh and placed Mrs. G. within it, 
she commented freely on my manner of driving, laying, 
woman-like, all the blame of the turn-over on my shoulders. 
We had proceeded but a short distance from the scene 
of our late disaster, when Mrs. Gray called my attention to 
the singular sound the bells sent forth. It was something 
entirely different, I thought, from what sleigh-bells are 
capable of doing. At my wife s request, I stopped the 
horse, to examine into the matter. To my surprise. I dis 
covered that, in addition to the appropriate string of bells, 
the large house-bell and a smaller table-bell were ingen 
iously fastened upon the neck of the horse. I told Mrs. 
Barry what manner of sleigh-bells we had, and, to my as 
tonishment, she laughed till I thought she would fall out 

o o 

of the sleigh. She said they were very stylish. For my 
own part, I was indignant. I had great difficulty in undo 
ing those bells. My fingers got very cold ; and I think 
that I had very wicked thoughts in my heart regarding our 
little black boy. But I thought it best to do nothing rash : 
I determined, however, to make him wear one of those 
bells around his neck for a week. When I told Mrs. Gray 
how I should punish him, she replied that it would be hard 
for her to hear the noise of the bell, but that she thought 
the boy himself would be rather pleased with it. 

Where," said I to Mrs. Gray, as we entered the village. 
" shall I drive our fleet steed ? " It may be as well to 
mention, that the " fleet steed " here referred to is what 
some would call a good family horse : one warranted to 



28 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

stand without tying ; one never known to jog faster than 
five miles an hour ; and which a child of tender years can 
manage. The time he makes on the road between Hillside 

D 

and the post-office, a distance of three miles, varies from 
one to one and a quarter hours, though I have, when I 
thought dinner was awaiting me and I feared Mrs. G. s 
displeasure, accomplished the distance in forty-five minutes. 
But this is of so rare an occurrence as scarcely to warrant 
me in saying that he could do the like again. To the 
question propounded at the beginning of this paragraph, 
Mrs. Gray replied, without hesitation, " To the parsonage." 
Of course it pleases me that my wife admires and loves 
the church. I have no objection even to her taking an 
active part in the " sewing circle " which is connected with 
the same. The interest she manifests in the prosperity of 
the parish school is, moreover, deserving of praise. En 
gaged, as the vestry is at this time, in raising funds to 
enable them to erect a very tall spire on the new church, 
it may be excusable in her to lighten my pockets, as she 
does every night, of any superfluous change which may 
chance to be in them ; but after allowing all this, I do not 
perceive the advantage derivable of visiting the parsonage 
as often as Mrs. G. proposes. I have no hesitation in say 
ing that I am myself a great admirer of the parson. I am 
indebted to him for several good things. When I was 
quite an infant, he baptized me. I shall ever be grateful 
to him for this. Then again, after I had arrived to man 
hood and began to be regarded as a bachelor, he performed 
another act, which it will be impossible for me ever to for 
get. I allude to the ceremony which made Mrs. Gray my 
wife. How grateful I am to him for this, I will not here 
say. I sometimes think that Mrs. G. is more grateful to 
him for this little act than it is really necessary for her to 
be. I was glad, therefore, when we called at the parson 
age, to find that the inmates were abroad. I mentioned as 
much to Mrs. Gray. She replied that it was very wicked 
in me to say so. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 29 

As we slowly rode back to Hillside, Mrs. G. occupied the 
time with a little discourse or, as I called it, sermon on 
jealousy. An original remark that she made, beginning 
thus, "Trifles light as air," and closing with the words 
u holy writ," was, as she said, pertinent to the occasion, 
and, she added in conclusion, she hoped I would profit 
by it. * 

Several days have elapsed since the above recounted 
sleigh-ride came off. The little black boy is expiating his 
offence by wearing a bell, as I proposed ; he seems rather 
proud of it, however, and feels the punishment most when 
Mrs. Gray insists on his muffling the clapper : this I kindly 
allow him to do in consideration of her headaches. I 
am myself profiting by the original remark of Mrs. G., and 
have so far overcome my feelings as to invite the parson to 
a little tea-party at Hillside, which is set down for next 
Monday evening. 



30 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER VI. 

Mrs. Gray s Excitement. What occasioned it. Upon the Hay. My 
Audience. His Opinion. Fire and Smoke. Oh, Abeline ! Mrs. 
G. s Remarks. A Poem or a Sermon. The Poem. 

RS. GRAY returned from the village, a fev; days 
since, in a high state of excitement. When Mrs. 
G. becomes thus, which I am happy to say is 
seldom, I notice that the little black boy performs his 
" chores " with great celerity and exactness. On the pres 
ent occasion he was unusually brisk in his movements. 
Even the fat cook in the kitchen stepped very lightly in 
her shoes. The farm-dog, Watch, who considers himself, 
I think, an important member of the household, I perceived 
making his exit from the backdoor, with drooping tail and 
crestfallen air. Immediately after noticing this state of 
things, I retired to my library, and commenced writing a 
letter of inquiry to my brother-in-law, who, as I think I 
have mentioned in former chapters, lives " Out West." I 
experienced, however, great difficulty in concentrating my 
thoughts on the letter in question. It appeared to me as 
though I was in some way connected with the cause of the 
house-warming then taking place. I wondered what the 
trouble was all about. My excellent wife had said nothing 
to me by which I could infer that I was, even in the most 
remote manner, connected with the present difficulty ; but 
I augured from certain looks she gave me that I was, after 
all, at the bottom of the mischief. It is astonishing how 
soon a man, after he becomes a husband, learns to interpret 
aright the side-looks and glances which he is apt now and 
then to receive from his spouse. 



A2Y MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 31 

When Mrs. Gray, therefore, entered the library, I felt 
slightly uncomfortable. Nor was this feeling in the least 
toned down when she abruptly remarked that she never 
thought I would be guilty of doing such a thing. " What 
thing, Mrs. Gray," I humbly asked, " do you refer to ? " 
Why, writing those Hillside Sketches, Mr. Gray," she 
replied. *, " You know well enough," she continued, " how 
little truth there is in them, and yet everybody in the whole 
world will believe every sentence you have written." I 
was completely thunder-struck. I had no idea that my 
wife would ever have learned aught concerning them. I 
had not thought that any one within a hundred miles of 
Hillside would be likely to get hold of the papers contain 
ing them. It struck me, at the moment, that the " Home 
Journal," in which they were published, must possess a very 
wide circulation. The copy I receive I am particular to 
hide from Mrs. Gray. I generally retire to the barn when 
I read the numbers. I have a place up high on the hay 
where I sit. It is there that I keep the papers on file. 
The little black boy knows the exact spot. I am in the 
habit of reading them to him up there. He is my audience. 
He was so tickled with what I wrote about his sucking 

o 

eggs that he tumbled off the hay upon the floor ; but, as he 
struck on his head, no harm ensued. 

When, at Mrs. Gray s earnest request, I gave up smok 
ing in the house, it was to the hay-mow that I retreated. 
Here, with my cigar and newspaper, I passed many pleas 
ant hours. Being questioned by Mrs. G. one day as to 
what I was doing in the barn, I replied that I was smoking. 
I may as well here confess that what I then heard in re 
gard to setting barns on fire, effectually deterred me from 
carrying out my smoking arrangement. Since then, when 
ever Mrs. Gray asks what is engaging my attention in that 
cheerless barn, I reply that I am hunting for eggs. I felt 
satisfied in my own mind that she did not know about these 
letters. So that when she made the attack on me, as men- 



32 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

tioned above, I was utterly unprepared to reply. It took 
me some time to collect my scattered thoughts. At first I 
could but murmur " Oh, Abeline ! " This 1 repeated some 
five or six times. Afterwards I said, distinctly and with 
great emphasis, " Mrs. Gray, don t." Mrs. G., however, I 
am sorry to say, paid no attention to my request, but con 
tinued her remarks, saying, " Yes, Mr. Gray, it is not pleas 
ant thus to have one s domestic privacy published to the 
world, so that all our acquaintances may know exactly what 
we are doing at Hillside. Why could n t you, Mr. Gray, if 
you would write these letters, have adopted some name, 
and not paraded Barry Gray at the head of each of them ? 
Never, Mr. Gray, in all my life, have I been so shocked as 
I was this afternoon, when a gentleman, a banker, Mr. G., 
said that he was sorry we did not give the Christmas din 
ner at Hillside, as we proposed. At first I thought one 
of your bachelor abominations, who had lost a good dinner, 
had reported some story about it ; but when he asked me 
if I had been troubled lately with nervous headaches, I tell 
you, Mr. Gray, I was angry enough. I wished to know 
what he meant ; and then out the whole thing came. 
He found the papers for me, and there, in his office, I 
read them. When I had finished them, I told him I 
thought that they were just the meanest things I had ever 
read. He replied, he thought so, too : adding, also, that 
everybody in the village had seen them, and pronounced 
them quite idiotic. " I could bear this no longer ; so I 
interrupted Mrs. Gray by saying, " Allow me, Mrs. G.. to 
differ in regard to what everybody pronounces them to be, 
and to declare that I consider them remarkable produc 
tions ; and in this opinion, my dear, I am sustained by our 
little black boy." 

" If," commenced Mrs. Gray, in a softer tone, thinking 
that, perhaps, my feelings were hurt by what she had 
said, " if you would write some poetry, similar to that 
you used to write before we were married, love, and have 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 33 

it published, why I think that would be something worth 
while. Or, if you would compose a good sermon and pre 
sent it to the parson, at his donation party, that, too, would 
be worthy of your attention ; but don t, for goodness sake, 
Mr. Gray, write any more letters from Hillside." 

Before I had time to answer Mrs. G., she was called 
away to ^attend to some household affairs. I was glad of it, 
for it gave me an opportunity to write in a style which I 
knew would please her, and at the same time be a source 
of delight to myself. She desired some poetry, and I re 
solved that she should have it. After a few minutes con 
sideration, I composed, much to my own satisfaction, the 
following lines, addressed 

TO OUR LITTLE BLACK BOY. 

Come hither, little black boy, 

For once let us agree ; 
What dost tbou most in life enjoy ? 

Reveal the truth to me. 

Art thou most fond of gay attire, 

Blue jackets, waistcoats red ? 
Or doth thy boyish mind aspire 

To own a horse and sled ? 

Say, art thou proud of doing " chores " 

About my Hillside home ? 
Or hadst thou rather out of doors, 

Through woods and meadows roam ? 

Dost like full well, thou simple one, 

Amidst the hay to be, 
And, all thy morning s labors done, 

Learn there thy ABC? 

Or hadst thou rather plague the cook ; 

Or tease old Watch, so brave ; 
Or skate upon the frozen brook ; 

Or strive the cat to shave ? 



84 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

No, no ; these things, my darkey boy, 

Though dearly prized by thee, 
Are not what most thou dost enjoy, 

Nor most displeasest me. 

But this it is know all my friends ! 

Thou dst rather lose thy legs, 
Take up with life s stray odds and ends, 

Than give up sucking eggs. 

When I had completed this admirable poem, I invited 
into the library my excellent Avife, and, with considerable 
feeling, read it aloud to her. She did not, however, com 
pliment it as highly as I hoped she would. She said that 
it was not quite the thing she expected. She thought 
something more sentimental something more partic 
ularly addressed to herself, as my wife would be prefer 
able ; but she added that it showed a desire on my part to 
please her, which, in itself, was gratifying. 

Of course I shall write no more Hillside Sketches, un 
less the Editors of the " Home Journal " will promise me 
not to send their paper to this part of the country ; as it 
would never do for Mrs. Gray, subject, as she is, to nervous 
headaches, to find any more papers containing my produc 
tions. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 35 



CHAPTER VII. 




. GRAY, my esteemed wife, has gone to visit 
her mother. I expect Mrs. G. will be absent 
from Hillside a month. When I went with her 
to the retired place where her mother resides. I had the 
forethought to inquire if the " Home Journal " was re 
ceived there. To my surprise, I found that the paper was 
unknown in that vicinity, for the reasons that there was 
no post-office there, and that my wife s mother was the only 
person in the place who could either read or write ! Hence 
I resolved that, on my return home, I would write one or 
two additional Hillside Sketches. 

I am certain that Mrs. Gray will not see them during 
her absence ; and as soon as she comes back, I will let her 
know about it. I question not but her joy at meeting me 
will be so great that she will willingly overlook the circum 
stance. Of course I deeply regret the absence of my esti 
mable spouse. It was painful for me to consent to her 
going. I felt, though, that it was my duty. Our family 
physician recommended it. lie thought a change of air 
would be of benefit to her. I trust that it will be the means 
of effectually curing the nervous headaches to which she 
is subject. 

I found it very lonesome at Hillside the first few clays 
after my wife s departure. I missed her very much indeed. 
I kept her daguerreotype constantly opened before me. 



86 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

when I was in the house during the day ; and at night I 
slept with it under my pillow. I found it to be a source of 
great comfort to me. The little black boy, too, missed her 
exceedingly. He complained one morning to me of the 
coffee the cook gave him. He said it was not as good as 

o &lt;-j 

that Mrs. Gray made. I believe he was right. I ventured 
to call the cook s attention to the matter. She told me, 
somewhat abruptly, that if it did n t suit me, I had better 
make it myself. I made no reply to this, but walked out 
of the kitchen in a very dignified manner. I remembered 
that my wife said to me, just before she left home, I had 
better not have any words with the cook ; and this is the 
reason why I kept silent. 

I never regretted any one s absence more than I did Mrs. 
Gray s. At first, I was very low-spirited. On the third 
day, my usual cheerfulness returned. So I rode down to 
the village, and invited several of my bachelor friends to 
stay with me during Mrs. G. s absence. All, to a man, 
accepted my invitation. They were particular, however, 
to inquire the exact length of time Mrs. Gray would be 
absent. They came up from the village with me that even 
ing to tea, and remained till after breakfast the following 
morning. They have done the like every day since. We 
have fine times together. We call ourselves " the happy 
family." My friends have the run of the house, generally, 
and the larder in particular. They kept the cook very 
busy. She was in a state of constant excitement. The 
fourth day after their coming, she left, with her bandboxes, 
for parts unknown. I did not consider this kind. When 
Mrs. Gray hired her, it was with the understanding that 
she should give us a week s warning before she went away. 
She did not, I am sorry to say, fulfil her contract. She 
stopped work in the middle of her month. Moreover, she 
overdrew her slender salary by two and sixpence, the night 
previous to her departure. I could not conceive why, on 
the following morning, the bell for breakfast was not rung. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 37 

At length I requested my friends to accompany me in a 
body to the kitchen, that I might hear the reason. From 
the little black boy we learnt, to our surprise, the state of 
the case. I immediately took prompt measures to get up 
a breakfast. I raised the little black boy, somewhat against 
his inclination, to the situation of cook. Should he follow 
that venation a series of years, I have no doubt but that he 
would improve considerably. There is room, at all events, 
for it. Still, everything considered, I think we live quite 
well enough at Hillside. We have a pair of chickens every 
morning for breakfast ; we cut a ham twice a week ; we 
follow up the hens that lay eggs, very closely ; we are ex 
tremely lavish with the cream ; we use the butter with a 
liberal hand ; there is no end to the buckwheat cakes we 
eat ; and, in the matter of coffee, why I forget the exact 
number of pounds consumed per day, but it is a large 
quantity. 

After the cook s departure, I found it quite a job to feed 
the work-hands ; so I gave them a week s holiday. Of 
course, the horses Avould stand idle in the stable, only I 
allow my friends the use of them, in going to and from the 
village. "\Yhen we go clown on horseback, we make quite 
an imposing appearance. The first time we rode into the 
village, the small boys shouted to each other that the circus 
had come. We generally 2fo out of our direct course a 

O f O 

short distance, that we may pass by the Female College. 
It is my opinion that the young ladies in that institution are 
pretty well off in the item of white handkerchiefs. I some 
times think that I should like to have Mrs. Gray behold 
us. I believe she would be slightly astonished. I am not 
altogether satisfied, in my own mind, however, that she 
would be fully pleased to see us. I think my friends, if it 
were put to vote, would object to meeting her. I trust that 
she will write me when she is ready to return home, so that 
I can meet her at the depot. I should like, tao, to have 
the house well aired, so that there shall be no tobacco-smoke 



88 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

lurking in the corners of the rooms. I should like, also, 
to find a good cook, who will take the place of the late de 
parted one. There are several other little things which it 
would be only proper and decent in me to attend to. prior 
to Mrs. Gray s return. I do fervently trust that she will 
not come upon me unaware. 

I pass the greater part of each day in the village with 
my friends. We take a slight repast at the " Arbour, 
about noon ; but we save the bulk of our appetites till we 
return to Hillside, in the evening, when we partake of a 
hearty supper. We have rather exciting times going home. 
We get up private races on the road. My tall friend. 31 r. 
P., on the pony, generally wins the race. It is a treat to 
see him assist the pony over the ground. When my tall 
friend asked me what I thought of his riding, I replied it 
was my opinion that six legs were even better than four. 
In this opinion I was fully sustained by my other friends. 

I am sorry to say that I enjoy my present course of life 
very much. It seems to me as though my bachelor days 
had come back. I should not like, however, for Mrs. Gray 
to know the extent of my feelings in this matter. It is not 
probable she ever will. I believe that I am a very good 
husband to Mrs. Gray. It certainly is my intention so to 
be. I have written Mrs. G. several letters since I left her 
at her mother s residence. I have also addressed some 
verses to her, which I think will gratify her. I like to 
gratify my wife. I think it is the duty of every husband 
to gratify his wife, to a certain extent. If I can please 
Mrs. Gray by writing poetry, why, I will write reams of it, 
provided I have that much paper. Before I sent the lines 
in question to Mrs. G., I took the precaution of reading 
them aloud to my bachelor friends. The few amendments 
which they suggested, I readily made ; and when I had 
done so, they individually expressed themselves highly de 
lighted with the production. Simply to oblige them, and 
because they insisted on my doing so, I have included the 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 39 

lines in the present chapter. I am free to confess that, as a 
poetical composition, it falls far short of a great number of 
chance poems which I have read. I may be allowed to say, 
without overstepping the bounds of that modesty which 
hedges me about, that it is far from approximating, in point 
of excellence, even to some former pieces from my Muse. 
The postecript, which was added by my friend Frank, seems 
to me equal, if not better than the verses preceding it. In 
fi ar and trembling, then, I confide these precious lines into 
the hands of the printer. 

TO MY ABSENT WIFE. 

There is a grief within my heart, 

A sorrow in my brain, 
That causes foolish tears to start, 

And fills my life with pain. 

It came the very hour you passed 

From out my loving sight ; 
And, till we meet again, t will last, 

To shroud my soul in night. 

The brightest day to me is dark ; 

No evening shows a star; 
And all too well my pulses mark 

How long the moments are. 

I walk about our Hillside home, 

And listen for your voice ; 
But ah ! no music tones will come, 

To make my soul rejoice. 

I cannot enter any room, 

But something there I view, 
Which, though it fills my heart with gloom, 

Reminds me, love, of you. 

Some trifle, which your gentle hands 

Once worked, and laid aside ; 
The very collar, and the bands 

You wore when first my bride. 



40 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

A bit of edging, dropped by chance 

Upon the chamber-floor; 
The mirror which your sunny glance 

Has idly wandered o er. 

A dainty ruffle you had worn 

Around your throat so fair ; 
The very spot where, night and morn, 

You kneel in silent prayer. 

These things, and more, my darling wife, 

Bring freshly to my mind 
Our early days of wedded life, 

Left far, alas ! behind. 

T is dark all dark around me, now, 
Since you, my pride, have fled : 

And I go up and down the house, 
Like spirit from the dead. 

I do not laugh I scarcely speak 

My appetite is gone ; 
The red has vanished from my cheek, 

And I am quite forlorn. 

My whiskers go untrimmed, my dear ; 

My hair is turning gray ; 
And soon my friends will mark, I fear, 

My buttons giving way. 

Indeed, I live a hermit s life, 
And shall, till you come home. 

Few men appreciate a wife 
Until abroad she roam ! 

Then, oil ! return, my precious one ; 

Yes, hasten, love, to me ; 
And all the sparkling things I ve done 

You will be pleased to see. 

POSTSCRIPT. 

Still, if your mother wants you, dear, 
"With her you d better stay, 

Until the spring-time of the year ; 
Then come to 

BARRY GEAT. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 41 




CHAPTER VIII. 

-late of Mrs. Gray s Health. The Party. Frank as Mrs. Gray. Stam 
pede of Bachelors. The Xew Red. The Little Black Boy s Friend 
ship. His Cooking. His Tricks. Puns. Treating the Little Black 
Boy. 

HAVE received several letters lately from Mrs. 
Gray. She writes very encouragingly in regard 
to her health. The nervous headaches, to which 
she is subject, are, I am happy to state, not as severe as 
they were formerly. She says that she will be ready to 
return home in the course of a week, provided I will go for 
her. I have doubts as to whether I shall be able to leave 
the farm before next month. Affairs at home. I think, 
require my strictest attention. Besides, it would not be 
polite in me to say to my bachelor friends that they had 
better go down town again, for I expected Mrs. Gray home ; 
especially as I invited them to pass a month with me, and 
as yet but two weeks have elapsed. Moreover, it would be 
awkward for me to tell them to depart. They feel so much 
at home, that, really, I could n t do it. It would be like 
turning my brothers out of the house. Then, too, we have 
plans to be consummated, of very pleasing character. I 
should not like to be obliged to give them up. 

At the earnest solicitation of my bachelor friends, I have 
consented to give a party at Hillside, and, in fact, have sent 
out the invitations. This little affair will come off, Deo vo- 
lente, on the evening of Washington s birthday. It will be, 
I suppose, a sort of bachelors ball. My friends names, as 
managers, appear on the notes of invitation. The guests 
are expected to come in fancy costumes. I alone, being 



42 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

the host, do not intend to array myself in borrowed plumes. 
My friend Frank is to personate Mrs. Gray. He has shaved 
off his whiskers, and has purchased some flowing ringlets 
for the occasion, lie is practising the character in private 
before me. The rehearsals are exceedingly amusing-. For 
tunately Mrs. G. did not take her party-dresses with her ; 
all other articles, however, of feminine attire. I have been 
unable to discover. I fear the cook carried them away. 
Frank has been obliged, therefore, to borrow from his large 
circle of lady friends many garments, which, if Mrs. G. s 
wardrobe were larger than it is. I should have been happy 
to supply him with. When he returned from the village 
the other evening, he brought behind him, on horseback, a 
pillow-case rilled with the necessary garments. Had it not 
been for my superior knowledge in the matter, he would 
never have gotten them properly on. So well did he look 
and act the part of Mrs. Gray, that my heart beat fast as I 
gazed at him. The little black boy, coming into the room 
at the moment, was fearfully astonished. lie turned quickly 
about at the sight, and running down-stairs, told my bache 
lor friends there assembled that Mrs. Gray had come, and 
they had better cut and run. There was considerable scam 
pering among them, just then, and I was surprised to see 
them, through an upper window, making tracks for the 
gate. They were all bareheaded except one, and he had 
on my white hat, which had slipped down over his eyes. 
I thought, first, that the dog was after them ; then I feared 
the house was on fire ; and, afterwards, I wondered if the 
cook had returned. While they were endeavoring to un 
latch the gate, I called to them, and asked what was the 
matter. My voice apparently reassured them, and. after a 
slight consultation which they held together, they came 
slowly and cautiously back all, except my tall friend P., 
who had scaled the gate and reached the foot of the hill. 
I may as well here state that we saw nothing of Mr. P. 
for two whole clavs thereafter. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 43 

Ever since the demise of the " Old Red," I ve felt badly. 
It did not seem right to live on a farm with no Red to wake 
one o mornings. The crow they get up is a peculiar one. 
I honestly believe that the cock Peter heard was red. After 
travelling about the country for weeks, in search of a chan- 

:tideer to take the place of the "Old Red," I at last suc 
ceeded in finding one. The old lady who owned him was 
sorry to part with him, he had been so long in the family, 

: she said, that he seemed like one of em ; but the little 
inducement I offered, in the shape of a gold dollar, was 

I ail-sufficient to atone for his loss. When I inquired his 
age, the old lady took down a bundle of almanacs, and, 

I turning to one of some years standing, showed me the day, 
marked with a bit of red chalk, wherein, she said, he was 

: hatched. Counting up the vears on my fingers. I found 

O - v *J ~ } 

they amounted to twelve. This I considered perfectly sat- 
| isfactory. It is the age, too, of our little black boy. Of 
course, he and the " New Red " are great friends. In fact, 
they are intimate friends : so intimate that chanticleer has 
taught the lad to crow ; and the little black boy imitates 
him so perfectly that it is impossible to say which crows the 
more naturally. Sometimes I think the rooster excels, and 
then again I am constrained to award the palm to the 
Ethiopian. The other night, about twelve o clock, the hour 
when all honest country folks are asleep, the whole house 
was alarmed by a series of Growings going on in the little 
black boy s apartment. Accompanied by all my friends, I 
marched resolutely up to his room. There I found the 
ebony youth, sitting on the cross rail of the bedstead, fast 
asleep, and crowing after the manner of the u Xew Red." 
I was in hopes that he would not be guilty of this offence 
a second time ; but there is scarcely a night wherein he 
does not arouse us with his untimely crowing. It is an old 
saying, that one good turn deserves another. I mentioned 
above that the rooster taught the little black boy to crow. 
As a set-off to this, I caught the little black boy one clay 



44 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

with a number of the " Home Journal " and my copy of 
Worcester s Dictionary, unabridged, in his hands, teach 
ing the Red to read. 

My confidence in the African lad is returning. The hens 
appear to be coming in. Fresh eggs are quite plentiful. 
To what this state of things is owing, I can scarcely say. 

O O K f 

I think that the lines I addressed to the individual above 
referred to, and which I read to him one day in the barn, 
before sending them to the " Journal " for publication, had 
a good effect. I think by the time Pans conies, the supply 
of eggs will be large. It takes the little black boy to cook 
eggs. He gets them up for the table in a variety of forms. 
His favorite style is to scramble them. Any dish requiring 
considerable stirring, I notice, he " admires " to cook. Since 
I elevated him to the rank of cook, he has grown quite 
important. I discovered, the other day, that he was wear 
ing one of my standing collars. I often see my boots going 
to the well when I certainly am not accompanying them. 
Coming home yesterday, quite unexpectedly, I caught the 
little rascal freshly lathered, and using my best razor on 
his sooty chin. The additional lathering he received, on 
account of this performance, however, was not applied to 
his face. While laboring under the excitement attendant 
on this correction, he struck, just before supper-time, for 
higher wages. I immediately checked his further demands 
by depositing him in a snow-bank. My friend Frank re 
marked that I should have given him a check on a bank 
of violets, payable in the spring. My equestrian friend P. 
thought that I drew rather too taut a check-rein on the lad ; 
while Fred said that a negro s life was checkered enough 
under whosesoever reign he dwelt. After having rained 
these witticisms on me, they very prudently retired to their 
rooms. I wish Mrs. G. had been home : I think she would 
have checkmated them all. 

When the little black boy had finished his chores for the 
day, and was preparing to go to bed, I called him into the 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 45 

library and lectured him severely on his misconduct ; and, 
in conclusion, I asked him if he were not ashamed of him 
self. To my surprise he distinctly gave me to understand 
that he was not ; adding that he only wished Mrs. Gray 
was home. His reply quite alarmed me. It sounded 
very much to my ears like a threat. I felt that it would 
never do* for Mrs. G. to know everything that had taken 
place at Hillside during her absence. The knowledge 
mio-ht, I feared, be the means of brin&lt;jin&lt;j on a^ain those 

O O O ~ 

terrible nervous headaches. So I resolved to adopt a more 
conciliatory tone with my ebony friend. I asked him if he 
slept warm, and told him to take an extra blanket from the 
closet as he went up-stairs. I also treated him to a slice 
of my own wedding-cake and a brandy peach, both of 
which he relished exceedingly. When he left me I heard 
him, as he passed through the hall, say to himself that this 
was pretty tall kind of feed for a little black boy. I feel 
satisfied now that I can depend fully on that child for a 
long time to come ; or, at least, so long as the cake and 
peaches last. 



46 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER IX. 

The Village Newspaper. Washington s Birthday Ball. Festivities at Hill 
side. State of the House after the Tarty. Loneliness. Cowardly 
Bachelors. Old Beaux. Keeping Pasch. A Rhymed Xote of Invi 
tation. 

HE following notice which I clipped from the 
columns of the village newspaper, issued the Mon 
day following the 22d of February, fully describes 
the little affair that came off at Hillside on that glorious 
day. It is written in the peculiarly happy style for which 
the editor is famous, and is remarkable for its candor and 
truthfulness. A desire on my part to lay before my read 
ers a satisfactory account of the festivities at Hillside on 
that occasion, induces me to transfer the article in question 
to these pages. The demand in the village for the num 
ber containing it has been immense, and though an extra 
edition was struck off, yet it has been found impossible 
to supply the call for it. I alone took thirty copies, and 
each of my bachelor friends twenty-five. The editor 
assured me, in a confidential chat which we held together 
in his sanctum, that he had made a very good thing out of 
it, and mentioned the exact amount he expected to realize 
by the operation. In a later number of his journal he pub 
lished a very polite note, subscribed by himself and one or 
two other gentlemen connected with his printing-office, ask 
ing me to repeat the ball, that is, give another one similar 
in every respect. For various reasons, mostly of a private 
nature, however, and, therefore, best known to myself, 
I have been obliged to refuse. The reason I &lt;rave him for 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 47 

thus doing, and which may be called the public one, was, 
that the party or ball being a strictly birthday festival given 
in celebration of the birth of Washington, which anni 
versary unfortunately occurs but once a year, I con 
sidered, therefore, that it would be impossible for me to 
oblige him. I mentioned in my reply that I regretted 
this exceedingly, and concluded by quoting the following 
lines, wherein I substituted "Washington" for the name 
rightly belonging thereto : 

"Long shall we seek his likeness long in vain, 
And turn to all of him which may remain ; 
Sighing that Nature formed but one such man, 
And broke the die in moulding Washington." 

The community about Hillside kindly attribute the above 
lines to my Muse, and commend them exceedingly, but 
persons better acquainted with English poetry will have no 
hesitancy in naming the author. 

[From the Star Spangled Banner.] 
FESTIVITIES AT HILLSIDE. 

" We had the honor, on Friday evening the 22d Febru 
ary, of making one of the numerous and fashionable com 
pany assembled at Hillside to celebrate the anniversary of 
the birthday of General George Washington. By agreement, 
the invited guests met at an early hour at the Spread Eagle 
Tavern, where sleighs were in waiting to convey them to 
Hillside. The procession, when formed, made a most im 
posing appearance. The village band marched at the head 
of it, discoursing most elegant music ; while the committee, 
Mr. Gray s particular bachelor friends, mounted on 
magnificent chargers, brought up the rear. The company 
all appeared in fancy costumes. We and our better half 
sustained the characters of Punch and Judy. It Avas, per 
haps, because we felt bound to keep up the character we 
had assumed that, during the evening, we devoted so much 



48 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

time to imbibing our own particular namesake, which we 
found cold on the sideboard in the East-room. 

" But our attention was not exclusively confined to this 
noble beverage ; for we recollect dipping freely into the 
oyster-soup, likewise into the ice-cream and brandy-peaches. 
We are not totally forgetful of the tenderness of the 
boned turkey, or the excellent flavor of the venison. Of 
smaller items such as raisins, almonds, cakes, etc. our 
provident spouse brought home, in her capacious pockets, 
enough to keep the children feasting several days. It is 
not true, however, that we, OURSELF, had our hat full of 
hard-boiled eggs when we left Hillside ; this is a base 
slander, and we cast it into the teeth of those who re 
port it. 

" It woiild scarcely be delicate in us to particularize the 
persons present. We mention a few, however, who kindly 
have given us permission to use their names. Among the 
first, we noticed Frank, who, as Mrs. Gray, acted her lady 
ship to perfection. We were received by him as we en 
tered, and supposed that it was Mrs. G-. herself; nor did we 
discover our error until late in the evening. Mr. II en 
acted the part of Sam s around in a most happy manner. 

Mr. C , as a locomotive, was powerful ; while the lady 

who hung on his arm as a tender/ was sweet. Messrs. 

P and S came together as the Siamese Twins ; 

the deception would have been complete were it not for the 
difference in their height. Mr. Gray s equestrian friend, 

P , appeared in the costume of a Highland chief, and 

produced a remarkable effect. These names are all that 
we are at liberty to mention. There arc many more of 
whom we should like to have the public hear, but feel that it 
would not be safe for us so to do. We must not, however, 
forget the little black boy, who was a feature of the even 
ing, sustaining as he did the character of the New Red, 
Mr. Gray s favorite rooster. It would be impossible to 
imagine it better done, even by the Heel himself. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 49 

" In bringing this slight sketch to a conclusion, we will 
simply add that the festivities were kept up till a late hour, 
and the whole affair most creditably sustained. Too great 
thanks cannot be awarded to Mr. Gray and the committee 
for their part in the getting up of this delightful party." 



says the editor of the " Star-Spangled Banner." 
I feel and I mentioned as much to my friends that it 
would be needless for me, after transcribing this, to render 
any further account of the proceedings. " Enough is as 
good as a feast ; " and in connection with this remark, I 
will add that we had enough left, after our birthday feast, 
to keep us from famishing for several days following. It is 
astonishing to me how wasteful people are on such occa 
sions. How utterly regardless, too, of soiling and spoiling 
one s carpets. There was no apartment but exhibited some 
little memento of the supper, a turkey-leg, a pickled 
oyster, a sandwich, a piece of cake, a bit of jelly, or some 
thing else of the kind, was scattered miscellaneously 
throughout the house. The way the little black boy and 
myself worked during the following week, " cleaning up," 
was worthy of a better cause. For my part, I feared that 
Mrs. Gray might return and find "things" around gener 
ally, which would not prove very agreeable, I felt certain, 
to either of us. 

I am afraid, notwithstanding my efforts to the contrary, 
that Mrs. Gray will learn all about the party, and a number 
of other occurrences which have taken place at Hillside 
since her departure, which I should be sorry for her to 
know. I am beginning to wish, however, that Mrs. G- 
would come back ; I think I should like to hear the sound 
of her voice once more. I know that I should like to feel 
the clasp of her hand, and press my lips to hers again. I 
am getting lonely up here. Since the party, my bachelor 
friends have deserted me. They say the snow is so deep 
and the weather so cold that they can t go to Hillside any 

4 



50 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

more. I don t think the reason is a good one ; they used 
to come here when the snow was quite as deep, and the 
weather colder by twenty degrees. ISTo ! I believe that 
they are fearful Mrs. Gray will return home and catch 
them. I can t imagine why they should be afraid of Mrs. 
G. She never hurt any one of them. It is n t like her to 
wish to do so. To be sure, as a general thing, she does not 
admire them, and speaks of them, I allow, in a very un 
generous manner. But that is nothing. My brother-in- 
law, who lives " Out West," writes me that his wife, my 
amiable sister, used to act just so ; but after a spell she 
overcame it. I think that in time my own wife will like 
wise overcome it. At all events, I hope so. 

In the last letter received by me from Mrs. G., she 
named the day on which she should be home. A gentle 
man, one of her old friends, she wrote, who was going 
to New York, would escort her to Hillside. I noticed in 
Mrs. G. s letter that the word " friend " was quite blotted. 
On examining it closely, I found that some other word had 
been erased and friend substituted for it. I think the 
erased word was flames. Very likely he is one of my wife s 
old beaux. I hate Mrs. G. s old beaux. What business 
have old beaux to be travelling about the country with 
married women for, I should like to know ! If he comes 
to Hillside, I think I 11 give the little black boy a holiday, 
and suggest to him the fun of pelting Mrs. G. s old flame 
with eggs. The little black boy will do it, I know. 

After all, I am sorry that Mrs. Gray will be home so 
soon. I think it would have been better for her health to 
have remained with her mother till after Easter. I have 
made some preparations for celebrating Pasch in the true 
Dutch style, with which, I fear, her coming may interfere. 
To be sure, I might celebrate the day in advance ; and then, 
too, a week-day would, after all, be the propcrest under the 
circumstances. I believe I shall adopt this plan ; and I will 
decide on the day before that which ushers Mrs. G. back 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 51 

to Hillside. I will notify my friends, therefore, to that 
effect ; and, at the same time, I will send them, addressed 
as follows, 

A RHYMED NOTE OF INVITATION TO MY BACHELOR 
FRIENDS. 

Come up from the village, ye bachelors gay ; 
You re welcome to Hillside this bright sunny day : 
Though the buttons be off of your shirts and your coats, 
And your chins all unshaven, and shaggy as goats. 

Come up, though your sisters may fret and may pout, 
And your fond mothers scold, when they find you are out ; 
Though your sweethearts, by turns, be both tearful and cross, 
When they learn where you re going to celebrate Paus. 

Never mind what they do never care what they say 
But to Hillside repair without any delay ; 
For the hens have come in, and the eggs are quite fresh, 
And they re better to-day than fish, pudding, or flesh. 

But don t be alarmed, you 11 get plenty to eat, 
For the larder is stored full of pastry and meat ; 
Fowls, oysters, and game the last from the West 
My brother, who lives there, has sent me the best. 

And down in the cellar are bottles of wine, 

In original packages, line upon line ; 

With a barrel of cider another of ale, 

To keep our hearts mellow when sorrows prevail. 

I know it is wrong, in these temperance days, 
For me to be praising such things in my lays ; 
But a love for them runs through our family tree, 
From my grandfather Timothy downward to me. 

The evil, too, rests not so much in the glass 
Which we drain to the health of some favorite lass, 
As it does with ourselves, and t is yours as t is mine, 
If we drink to excess of the blood of the vine. 

Perhaps you would find, should you question me close, 
I partake of these things as a medical dose ; 



52 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

For our family doctor is friendly to me, 

And prescribes them whatever my symptoms may be. 

Forgive this digression, ye bachelors gay ! 
It dropped from my pen in the easiest way ; 
And so, to return to my subject, I 11 add, 
To see you at Hillside will make me most glad. 

My wife, as you know, has departed from town, 
To visit her mother, the good Mrs. Brown ; 
And I, left alone, have invited you all 
To breakfasts, to suppers, and one little ball. 

And now, as a close to this season of fun, 
I propose a Paus dinner, and then I have don t ; 
For Mrs. Gray writes me, come sun, wind, or rain, 
She 11 return on the morrow to Hillside again. 

Then, farewell, my bachelor friends, for a while : 
I shall dwell the next season in Mrs. Gray s smile, 
Be careful of all I may say, drink, or eat, 
And walk by her side with most circumspect feet. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 53 




CHAPTER X. 

A 

Mrs. Gray returns Home. Our Meeting. The Tall Man. Mrs. G. s 
Commiseration. Her Discoveries. Bribing the Little Black Boy. 
Finding Eggs. The Paus Dinner. Postscript. 

S. GKAY has returned home. The meeting be 
tween Mrs. G. and myself was of an affecting 
character. I met my estimable spouse at the 
depot. She came on the night express. It was exactly 
fifty-five minutes past eleven P. M. when I was aroused from 
a short nap in which I was indulging, in the " ladies room." 
bv the sound of the engine-whistle for the train to " break 

v O 

up." Three minutes thereafter I had the extreme felicity 
of welcoming Mrs. Gray. It is not necessary, however, for 
me to particularize the style of our greeting. Several of 
my bachelor friends, who were watching us from a safe 
distance, confessed to me afterwards that they quite en 
vied me on that occasion. One of them, I hear, offered 
himself to a young lady the following evening. I regret 
to say, however, that she refused him. I understand that 
he speaks of that young lady now in terms anything but 
complimentary. 

I noticed that a tall man assisted Mrs. Gray to alight 
from the cars. I perceived, moreover, that Mrs. G. im 
mediately took the tall man s arm. As soon as I could 
work my way through the crowd to where Mrs. G. and the 
tall man stood, I did so. When Mrs. Gray saw me, she 
withdrew her arm from that of the tall man and stepped 
forward to meet me. Then it was that what followed made 
my bachelor friends envious. I felt glad that the tall man 
witnessed our meeting. I thought at the time that he did 



54 - MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

not consider it an agreeable sight, for lie immediately said, 
that, as he had Mrs. Gray s checks in his possession, he 
would see about her baggage. As I had no objection to 
his collecting together her trunks, I did not offer any oppo 
sition. I simply directed the little black boy to keep an 
eye on the tall man, however, and show him the proper 
sleigh in which to place them. 

While I awaited the little black boy s return, Mrs. G. 
told me the tall man s name ; mentioning at the same time, 
seemingly in his behalf, that she had been acquainted 
with him a great many years. If there is anything I dis 
like hearing about, it is of Mrs. Gray s old acquaintances. 
It does n t seem proper to me that my wife should have 
been acquainted with any one previous to her knowing me. 
It is n t pleasant to sit and hear another than myself speak 
ing to Mrs. G. of events that occurred ever so long ago, 
before I knew her, and of persons whom I don t know and 
don t care to know. And now here turned up this tall man 
an old acquaintance, forsooth ! and who, as I mentioned 
in a former chapter, I more than half suspected to be one 
of Mrs. Gray s old flames. I believe I had a very wicked 
wish concerning him. 

When the tall man returned, Mrs. Gray introduced me. 
I told him I was happy to make his acquaintance ! When, 
shortly afterwards, I thought of these words, I feared that I 
had not told the truth. Just then Mrs. G. suggested to me, 
in a whisper, that it would be no more than polite to invite 
her friend to Hillside. To this I assented, but remarked 
confidentially to my wife that the cook had absconded a 
few weeks since. That settled the matter ; and Mrs. G. 
immediately thanked him for his kindness to her, and hoped 

the next time he visited E that he would not neglect 

to come to Hillside. 

As we rode towards home, I revealed to my wife, so far 
as I considered it prudent, the state of affairs there. She 
said it was very wrong in the cook to have deserted her 



- 




MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 55 

post. She wished I had informed her of it ; she feared I 
had fared poorly ; she simply wondered I was not starved ; 
she felt sorry for me ; she thought I must have been very 
lonely ; she greatly admired the lines " I had sent her, 
and to show her appreciation of them, she repeated them 
aloud for my gratification. She asked how I had occupied 
myself*in her long absence? I told her that I had been 
studying Hebrew. She was astonished at it, and trusted I 
had not injured my health by too close application. I con 
fessed to having invited one or tAvo of my bachelor friends 
to dinner. Mrs. Gray thereupon said she was glad I had, for 
it must have been very tedious for me during her absence. 
Several times, as we rode aloii, I thought I heard the 

O O 

little black boy laugh. I think it wrong for little black 
boys to laugh at their superiors. Considering the exalted 
position which that little black boy has occupied since he 
became a resident at Hillside, and the daily examples of 
politeness he has witnessed, I am astonished at his rude 
ness. Fortunately for him, I mean his laughter did 
not reach the ears of Mrs. Gray. 

Before we got home I had lulled my conscience into a 
state of security, but no sooner did we enter the house 
than my peace of mind vanished. The instant the front 
door was opened, Mrs. G. detected the scent of tobacco- 
smoke. I felt then that I was a lost individual. I had ex 
pended several dollars in the purchase of fumigating pow 
ders, and for thirteen hours prior to my wife s return had 
distributed them liberally throughout the house. For my 
own part, I could detect every imaginable odor except that 
of tobacco-smoke. I think that Mrs. G. s sense of smell is 
altogether too acute. 

The clay after Mrs. Gray s return was one of consider 
able excitement. The discoveries she made regarding the 
domestic economy which had prevailed at Hillside during 
her absence, were astonishing. She wished to know if I 
had been keeping a hotel ? The number of dishes broken 



56 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

was immense. The loss, in the single item of goblets, was 
enormous. Five silver tea-spoons, four dessert and two 
table spoons, together with a silver punch-ladle, were miss 
ing. Of course I ascribed their disappearance to the cook ; 
but Mrs. G. suspects my honest bachelor friends. 

Every carpet in the house, according to her views, is 
completely ruined. Where all the butter that she packed 
clown has gone to, she can t imagine. She would think I 
had lived on ham and eggs, if she could discover any beef, 
or pork, or salt fish in the house. It would not surprise 
her to learn that my blood was composed four fifths of 
coffee ; and as for tea, I must have fed it to the chickens. 
She had hoped to have milk and cream, at least, in the 
house, but there was not a drop of either ; and the little 
black boy had informed her that the cows were dry. The 
cold meats and pies, however, which she found in the 
various pantries, ; would keep," as she solemnly informed 
me, a regiment of dragoons from starving for a month." 
When Mrs. Gray discovered in the corner of a dark closet, 
where I had hidden it, one of my old hats filled with hard- 
boiled eggs, her astonishment was unbounded. The shells 
of some of them were colored ; and the little black boy, 
when examined by Mrs. G. in regard to them, asserted 
that the hens laid them just as they were. 

I am afraid that Mrs. Gray will one day find out all that 
occurred at Hillside while she was at her mother s. The 
number of brandy-peaches and slices of cake I have been 
obliged to give the little black boy to keep him from 
telling tales, is telling upon his constitution. I fear I shall 
have to discharge him. He grows too fast. 

Each day my wife discovers something ruined or " miss 
ing." The opinion which she entertains of the cook, as 
well as my bachelor friends, is anything but flattering. I 
sometimes think that warrants will be issued for their ar 
rests. I hope none of them will think of visiting Hillside 
for the present. Last evening, when I returned from the 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 57 

village, (I pass a good deal of my time in the village now 
adays.) Mrs. Gray informed me that some one the cook, 
she thought had had the audacity to wear her wedding- 
dress, and that there was a grease-spot on the front breadth, 
as large as a dinner-plate. I told her it was very likely, 
for I remembered of the cook s going to a wedding one 
night. Pftor Frank ! if Mrs. G. ever learns the truth, I 
shall pity him ! 

The day before Mrs. Gray s return home, the Pans din 
ner came off. The occasion was one of considerable 
interest. All of my bachelor friends were present. Sev 
eral married men, old compeers of mine, eluding the 
vigilance of their amiable wives, graced my festive board. 
The speeches made were decidedly spicy. I regret that 
no reporter for the public press was present. The reading 
community, thereby, has lost many things of a brilliant 
character. 

POSTSCRIPT. Since writing the above, I have learned 
that the " Star-Spangled Banner " of the present week 
contains a glowing description of the Pans dinner. When 
I invited the editor of that newspaper on the occasion re 
ferred to, it was with the express understanding that the 
dinner, being strictly a private affair, nor in the least 
affecting the interests of the village, was not, therefore, to 
be used by him as capital for his newspaper. There existed 
other reasons, too, which I confidentially explained to him, 
why it would not be politic to make the affair public. When 
he gave me his word, as " Editor of the Star-Spangled 
Banner, " that he would keep mum, I believed him. I think 
now that he meant " Mumm," as I noticed he paid consid 
erable attention, throughout the evening, to the champagne 
of that particular brand. 

The little black boy, whom I started for the village on 
one of the chargers," for a copy of the " Star-Spangled 
Banner," has just returned, bearing with him the compli 
ments of the editor, and a hundred copies of the paper. 



58 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER XL 

Paper Clothing. The Star-Spangled Banner s Report. Bill of Fare. 
In the Cellar. 

HEN the little black boy returned from the village, 
with a basket filled with copies of the " Star- 
Spangled Banner," Mrs. Gray, who chanced to be 
in the library, asked what I wanted with so many news 
papers ? Her question took me by surprise. So I answered 
at random, that I proposed working them up into panta 
loons for the little black boy. Hereupon Mrs G. regarded 
me with considerable astonishment, and, I noticed, took a 
step towards the door. I immediately explained to her, 
that, by a simple, yet ingenious process, lately discovered 
by a Frenchman, very substantial clothing could be manu 
factured from common newspapers. She replied that I was 
a very credulous man, if I believed any such thing ; that 
the newspapers were full of falsehoods, and that, for her 
part, she had no faith in anything they published. More 
over, if I persisted in putting that little black boy into such 
a ridiculous suit of clothes, she should think I was crazy. 
She then left the room in a very agitated frame of mind. 
When I directly took up one of the papers, and read as 
follows : 

[From the Star-Spangled Banner.] 
CELEBKATION OF PASCH AT HILLSIDE. 

" Again we take pleasure in recording, in our valuable 
journal, an affair that came off at Hillside the afternoon 
prior to that on which Mrs. Gray returned home. The 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 59 

gentlemanly host, Mr. Gray, celebrated Pasch or, as the 
Dutch have it. Pans in the most approved fashion. It 
became necessary, however, for Mr. G. to have this little 
affair take place a few days before that on which Pasch 
fulls. By referring to our almanac, we find that Pasch 
occurs, this year, on Sunday ; so that, after all, the course 
pursued by Mr. Gray was, perhaps, the very best. 

l&gt; It was about five o clock of the r. M. prior to Mrs. Gray s 
return, mat some twenty individuals, including OURSELF, 
advanced towards Hillside. A portion of the company 
was in sleighs, the balance on foot. We noticed that there 
was a good deal of snow about Hillside ; also, that it was, 
in particular localities, considerably drifted ; that the wind, 
which was blowing in our faces, was a little south of east, 

O 

and that the thermometer marked twenty degrees above 
zero. It was tedious going, especially for the pedestrians ; 
but we persevered, knowing what was before us. At least, 
we OUKSELF did; for we printed the bills of fare used 
on the occasion, and carried one in our pocket. We ex 
amined, several times during the day, that particular slip 
of paper with considerable delight. We marked with red 
ink several favorite dishes, of which we intended to par 
take. WE expatiated profoundly to OUR wife, during the 
eating of a light lunch, of which we partook sparingly, at 
noon, on the good taste displayed in getting up this bill of 
fare. Aside from its gastric excellence, its worth as a 
specimen of typographical art is unsurpassed. We subjoin 
it for the approval of all who may wish show-bills, circulars, 
or notes of invitation, got up in style. 

CELEBBATIOX OF PASCH AT HILLSIDE. 



BILL OF FARE. 



SOUPS. 
Oyster Soup. Chicken Soup. Pea Soup. 



60 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

FISH. 

Brook Trout a la Parson. Lake Trout a la Sam. 

Pickerel a la Black Boy. 

EGGS. 

Hard-boiled Eggs. Soft-boiled Eggs. Colored Eggs. 

Scrambled Eggs. Poached Eggs. Fried Eggs. 

Scolloped Eggs. Roasted Eggs. 

Omelette souffle . 

Omelette, plain. Omelette aux herbs. 

Eggs aux naturelle. 

BOILED DISHES. 

Cold Ham. Cold Tongue. Turkey, oyster sauce. 

Beef a la Mode. Stuffed Capons. Leg of Mutton. 

SIDE DISHES. 

Oyster Pies Broiled Chickens. Pigeon Pies. 

Prairie Hens. Pates de Fois Gras. Ham and Eggs. 

ROAST DISHES. 
Turkey, Beef, Pork, Duck, Mutton, Bear, Venison, Bison. 

VEGETABLES. 

Mashed Potatoes, Potatoes Lyonnaise, Beets, Turnips, Onions, 
Parsnips, Rice, Succotash. 

DESSERT. 
Mince Pie, Apple Pie, Pumpkin Pie, Apple Fritters. 

Custards, Apple Dumplings, Quince Tarts. 

Plum Pudding, Tapioca Pudding, Wheat Pudding. 

Rice Pudding. Charlotte Russe. 

Ice-cream a la Fanny, 

Jelly a la Nelly. 

Floating Islands a la Mrs. Gray. 
Walnuts, Almonds, Raisins, Figs. 

Coffee. 
Cigars and Toothpicks a la Prigs. 

" At exactly six o clock, the little black boy, throwing open 
the dining-room doors, announced, in a clear manly voice, 
that dinner was on the table. After we were seated, a very 
touching grace was pronounced by the Rev. Dr. Blank, 
when we immediately attacked the good things before us, 
which disappeared, under our charge, with wonderful rapid- 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 61 

ity. After full justice had been done on all sides, the 
cloth was dexterously removed by the little black boy, and 
the wine generously placed on the mahogany. There were 
several speeches made by different individuals, including 
OUKSELF. Many toasts were given; and several songs, 
of a highly effective character, were sung. We have an 
indistinct recollection of having either sung a song, or 
joined in the chorus of one, or else wept at the recital of 
some pathetic story, but we cannot, however, for the life 
of us, tell exactly which. Mr. Gray, we clearly remember, 
sung a comic song, composed by himself, entitled, Come, 
rest in this bosom, my own stricken dear, the little black 
boy whistling an accompaniment. The same little black boy, 
whose name we don t know, recited a short poem, the first 
verse of which only seems to have been preserved. It was 
written, we understand, by Frank. Some day we trust to 
be able to present it to our readers entire : 

FIRST VERSE. 

" You d scarce expect a darkey lad, 
Who, Topsey-like, don t know his dad, 
To come before this festive throng, 
With speech, or toast, or merry song. 

" But it seems he did come ; and what he had to say. we 
are bound to affirm, was well said. We consider that youth 
to be a black diamond of inestimable value ; and we dis 
tinctly remember drinking said little black boy s health at 
least a dozen times during the evening. 

O ~ 

In closing this leading article of our paper, we feel 
called on to deny the accusation, made by some unknown 
person, to the effect that we lost our way returning home, 
and were found the next morning buried in a snow-bank 
near the Female College. Neither did we, as has been 
alleged, carry home, under our cloak, to our better half, 
a boiled ham and a bottle of champagne. Xo, these things, 
thanks to our paying subscribers, we have money enough 



62 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

to purchase ; but we cannot afford to let our good name 
and deeds be trodden underfeet, like pearls cast before 
swine. 

" In conclusion, with feelings of the highest respect, we 
propose the following toast. Circumstances, purely of a 
private nature, made it inconvenient for us, on the day of 
the Pasch dinner, to offer it in the presence of the assem 
bled guests. We regret this the more, for the reason that 
we gave a good deal of time to composing and polishing 
the same ; and our worthy spouse had prophesied that it 
would be equal to any other toast of the evening : 

MY TOAST OUR HOST. 

" May he never be, 

On land or sea, 

Without a sunbeam on his path, 
A cricket on his hearth ; 
A dollar in his purse, 
And a wife to be his nurse." 

So much for the " Star-Spangled Banner." I don t 
think that I shall ever again ask its editor to Hillside. It 
was with great difficulty that I could keep him out of the 
cellar, lie came near breaking his neck several times, 
during the evening, by falling down the stairs that lead 
thereto. I can t imagine what he was after, unless it were 
cheese. To be sure I have an inner cellar, built during 

O 

Mrs. Gray s absence, but the door of it is locked, and I 
keep the key in my pocket. Only my wine-merchant 
and myself know what it contains. I cannot but think, 
then, that he smelt cheese, and it was simply that that 
he wanted ; though it is all in the rat-traps, and I fear 
he would have had a difficult time getting it. Foolish man 
that he was ! 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 63 




CHAPTER XII. 

Our New Cook. My Seriousness. My Gayety. My Wildness. The 
Round? Robin. Mrs. G. at the Sewing Circle. Her Considerateness. 
Her Valentine. 

have got a new cook. She is " a colored lady," 
and traces her forefathers back to Ham. When 
Mrs. Gray came to question her closely, she dis 
covered that they were both natives of the same village. 
They are, moreover, both acquainted with the same per 
sons. The cook knows some of Mrs. Gray s old beaux. 
Mrs. G. was very much pleased when she learned this. 
She came straightway and told me of it. I remarked to 
her that she appeared to be as much delighted at the cir 
cumstance as if she had discovered a second cousin. She 
said that she was. I don t think I shall like the new cook. 
I fear Mrs. Gray will pass too much time in the kitchen, 
talking about her old flames. I spent many days looking 
up this colored lady." The inhabitants of Slabtown began 
to view me with suspicious eyes. They feared I came for 
no good to them. It was with great trouble that I suc 
ceeded in getting our new cook, and I should be sorry 
now if I were obliged to part with her; but then she 
must n t talk about Mrs. G. s old beaux. 

Since Mrs. Gray s return, I have led a very exemplary 
life. No one would suppose, to look at me, that I was so 
lately a bachelor. On the contrary, my appearance denotes 
the married man of long standing. I have become very 
grave and dignified, too dignified, I think, for my own 
comfort. To please Mrs. Gray, however, I am cultivating, 



64 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

to an alarming extent, this quality in my character. I am 
already " as grave as a judge." I intend, at a future period, 
to become a candidate for a judgeship. There is a sternness 
in my manners which is appalling to the little boys whom 
I encounter in the streets. When, accidentally of course, 
I behold myself in the mirror, my looks remind me of one 
of my schoolmasters, who was noted for his severity. Be 
sides all this, I am getting up a terrible frown, such a one 
as I have seen a great American tragedian employ with 
remarkable effect. I design using it on my bachelor friends, 
should I chance to encounter them during my pedestrian 
excursions with Mrs. G. At present, I am practising it 
on the little black boy. lie does not, however, appear 
much to mind it. I am confident, though, that in the long 
run it will have an effect upon him. I overheard him. a 
day or two since, tell the new cook, that Mr. Gray looked 
awful. 

It is natural for me to be gay. Perhaps, during Mrs. 
Gray s absence from Hillside, I was rather too gay. To 
atone for this, I am now quite serious. I resolved to be so 
the very day Mrs. G. came home. When I informed her 
of this resolve, she said she was glad of it ; " for," continued 
she, " you know, Mr. Gray, considering your age, your 
wild oats ought to have been sown lon&lt;j a;o." The next 

o o o 

Sunday morning, when Mrs. G. assisted me at my toilet, 
she pointed out to me a gray hair amid my Avhiskers. I 
was greatly astonished at the sight, and immediately deter 
mined to commence reaping the oats referred to by Mrs. 
Gray. 

After the month of dissipation which I passed, it is a 
great relief for me to sit down quietly by the side of Mrs. 
Gray, and read aloud to her, while she busies herself with 
her needle. It is very comfortable to be alone with one s 
wife. At my earnest entreaty, Mrs. G. has promised that 
she will not leave me again to visit her mother. This is 
exceedingly gratifying to me. When I informed my bache- 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 65 

lor friends of her intention, they declared it to be " too 
bad." They even went so far as to address a " round 
robin " to me, expressive of their displeasure. I took the 
liberty of showing to Mrs. G. that little document. What 
she said in regard to them, I should be quite unwilling to 
repeat in their presence. 

As I anticipated and feared, Mrs. Gray has heard of 
nearly all the events which occurred at Hillside during her 
absencft. As soon as she went to the sewing society of 
which she is an humble member she was duly informed 
thereof. Some, in whispers, revealed the matter to her, as 
they affirmed, purely from a sense of duty. Others, less 
conscientious, I suppose, spoke openly on the subject, and 
termed it a shameless affair. While one fair maiden lady 
advised Mrs. G. to apply for a divorce. When my wife 
mentioned to me this woman s name. I recognized her for 
an old sweetheart of mine, still remaining unmarried. 

I confess I was somewhat surprised, and, withal, pleased 
when I found how considerate Mrs. Gray was in regard to 
these matters. The manner in which she alluded to them 
affected me deeply. She spake " more in sorrow than in 
anger." Had Mrs. G. been at all excited, it is probable 
that an " unfortunate misunderstanding " would have arisen 
between us. The course Mrs. Gray adopted, however, was 
clearly the proper one. Batter than any other would have 
done it touched my heart. In short, Mrs. G. felt that 
she herself was not altogether blameless in the matter. 
" My absence," as she sweetly expressed it, " was the cause 
of your loneliness. To dispel that loneliness, you invited 
a few friends to Hillside. Nothing improper in this, and, 
under the circumstances, Mr. Gray, worthy of praise." In 
my opinion, Mrs. Gray is a very remarkable woman. I 
admire and love her very much. 

In a confidential talk which I held with Mrs. G., during 
the watches of the night, she informed me that while at 



66 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

her mother s she received a Valentine, containing simply 
these words, 

" When the cat s away, the mouse will play." 

From which she inferred that Mr. Gray was making the 
most of her absence ; so that she was not, after all, qnite 
unprepared to hear of the events which occurred at Hill 
side. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 67 




CHAPTER XIII. 

My Life. Tribulation of the Little Black Boy. Quakerism. My Great- 
Grandfather. Mrs. G. s Tears. My Headings. Wood-Choppers. 
Sno\*-Shoes. Perilous Situation. Something Hot. The Back Way. 

. T present it is extremely quiet at Hillside. Mrs. 
Gray and myself lead a very peaceful life. Our 
intercourse with the village is limited to the daily 
excursions which the little black boy makes on horseback. 
The post-office is his end and aim. He complained, how 
ever, to me the other day, that the horse he rode persisted 
in stopping at the " Arbor." I remember that my bachelor 
friend, John, often rode the said horse during his sojourn 
at Hillside. He, doubtless, taught the animal to stop there. 
The little black boy feared that it would injure his reputa 
tion to be seen going there so frequently. I told him then 
that he had better ride by without stopping. He replied 
that he had tried so to do, but could not, for the horse 
would, in spite of his efforts, stop at a particular post. To 
appease the little black boy, I have given him the pony to 
ride. I am happy to state that the pony does very much 
better. My tall friend P. never went to such places. 

I really enjoy my present manner of life exceedingly. 
There is a repose in it which is quieting to one s nerves. 
I feel my Quaker descent now very palpably. Occasionally 
I find myself using, quite unintentionally, the plain lan 
guage. Abeline thinks that I utter " thee " and " thou " 
very prettily. She says it is a wonder I am not a " Friend." 
I should be one, I tell her, if it were not that my fore 
fathers were sea-captains. As sailors, they learned to use 
strange words, and forgot the milder forms of speech their 



68 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

mothers taught them. She thinks it a great pity. Perhaps 
it is. Then I told her this 

ANECDOTE OF MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER. 

" My great-grandfather," Mrs. Gray, " was, by birth, a 
Nantucketer ; but early in life he settled on the main 
land. After he had left the seas, and anchored his stanch, 
though weather-beaten hull in the city he helped to build, 
and which he saw rise from the primeval forest, he still 
kept an eye on the flying clouds, noted the state of the 
weather, and marked the changes of the wind. There were 
watchmen in those days, who, during the night, called aloud 
the passing hours ; and added, moreover, something con 
cerning the weather, for the benefit of those who chanced 
to be awake, and to wake those who, perchance, were 
asleep. But this alone did not satisfy my grandfather ; so 
he paid the watchman a certain sum per month to shout 
aloud, in addition to this desirable information, directly 
beneath his chamber-window, the direction of the wind. 
I distinctly recollect when a lad," here Mrs. G. raised 
a finger and pointed to the single gray hair in my 
whiskers, which made me sigh, and wonder where all the 
years had flown since then, " when a lad." I continued, 
after a short pause, " of listening nightly to the watchman, 
crying aloud, for my grandfather s satisfaction, the fact that 
it was past twelve o clock, and a cold, clear night ; wind 
nor by nor west. 

" If the old man happened to be asleep, but, awakened 
by the familiar cry, did not quite understand the matter, 
he would rise from his bed, and, opening the window, call 
the watchman back, to shout the same tiling over a&lt;jain ; 

t o O 

but, on the contrary, if he were awake, and clearly under 
stood it, the watchman was duly notified thereof, by my 
grandfather s deep but clear, Ay, ay. sir ! 

" "When my great-grandfather, close on a hundred years, 
went out with the tide and a favorable wind, the boy who 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 69 

long afterwards married Mrs. Gray missing the watch 
man s nightly call, and the old man s quick reply, would 
turn restless and unsatisfied upon his pillow, till at last, 
overcome by weariness, he would weep himself to sleep." 

When I had finished, I saw traces of tears on Mrs. Gray s 
cheeks ; but she straightway brushed the marks away, and 
asked me if the above story were true. I replied I could 
refer her to very respectable parties, who would vouch for 
its truthfulness. She wished to know if my mother were 
one of those " very respectable parties." I said that she 
was. " Then," answered Mrs. G., " I am satisfied that you 
have told me the truth." Soon afterwards I overheard Mrs. 
Gray relating this anecdote, with slight additions, to the 
Secretary of the Sewing Society, who just then called, for 
the purpose of notifying Mrs. G. that a special meeting 
would be held on the following evening. My Avife, I am 
happy to state, did not feel inclined to attend. She said 
that she would rather remain at home to hear me read 
aloud. I felt quite flattered by this remark. Xot that I 
think my wife appreciates, as she ought, my reading, for she 
invariably interrupts me in the most affecting passages, by 
speaking of something entirely irrelevant to the story which 
should be occupying her attention. If I remonstrate with 
her regarding her inattention, she promises me for the 
future to be more careful ; but, at the same time, remarks 
that she clearly understands all I have been reading. 
When, however, I examine her at such times in relation to 
the principal points of the story, she gives such a wonderful 
account of it, made up partly of what I have been reading, 
and partly gathered from her imagination, and told, withal, 
so glibly, and with so much confidence, that I have to look 
at the book again to see whether it is not as Mrs. Gray 
states. My regard for Mrs. G. will not permit me to offer 
any refutation to her account of the story, but I have my 
own private opinion in regard thereto. 



70 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

We have wood-choppers at work over the hill, on the 
other side of the farm. Once a month I go there to measure 
the wood they have cut. During Mrs. Gray s absence from 
Hillside, however, I neglected attending, as I should have 
done, to this little business ; I let the thing run along for 
nearly three weeks. Having company at Hillside, the state 
of the weather, the deep snow, and, perhaps, my natural 
indolence, were the reasons I possessed for not doing my 
duty. At last the choppers appointed a committee of three 
to wait on me, and to " respectfully entreat " me to visit 
them. According to an agreement entered into between 
Mr. Gray, the party of the first part, and the wood-choppers, 
the parties of the second part, their pay for chopping was 
not to be rendered them till after each month s wood was 
measured. This, perhaps, may account for the anxiety dis 
played by them. I found, however, when I attempted to 
visit the forest, that, owing to the depth of the snow, it was 
impossible to get there, either by sleigh or on horseback. 
In this dilemma I bethought me of a purchase I made from 
an Indian, when at Niagara with Mrs. Gray, last summer. 1 

O V * 

refer to a pair of snow-shoes. I bought them more to 
please Mrs. G., who thought they would look well hanging 
against the library wall, than expecting ever to put them to 
a practical use. When I mentioned to Mrs. Gray my idea 
of wearing snow-shoes, she said that she was favorably im 
pressed with it, and at the same time wondered why I had 
not thought of it before. Thereupon she immediately dis 
patched the little black boy to the library for them. When 
he returned with them, she found that they reqxiired con 
siderable dusting. After she had satisfactorily performed 
this little household duty, I managed, with much difficulty, 
to get them properly adjusted to my feet. Mrs. G., how 
ever, persisted in saying that the toes pointed backward 
instead of forward. I informed the lady that she knew 
nothing about the matter. 

When I was prepared to leave the house, I found it 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 71 

troublesome to walk. The points of the shoes would get 
entangled in the hearth-rugs and door-mats, and slide in 
among the legs of the chairs, and catch on the rockers. At 

O O 

last, however, assisted by my wife and the little black boy, 
I reached the front-door. Directly before me was a snow 
bank. Making a violent effort, I placed myself on the sum 
mit of said bank. The ground slopes from the doorway 
gradually down to the carriage way, nearly twenty feet 
distant. Unfortunately for me, there was a stiff crust 
formed on the snow. While I remained poised on the top 
of the bank, I did well enough, but with the first step I at 
tempted to take I realized the falseness of my position, for 
I found myself sliding, in a very ungraceful manner, down 
the declivity. While I wondered if I should keep on till I 
reached the village, my wonderment ceased as I drove head 
long into a drift that had been blown across my path. 

When I had gathered myself up and looked around, I 
saw Mrs. Gray standing at the window, apparently laughing 
heartily. The little black boy, too, a short distance off, was 
indulging in a like exhibition of rudeness. As soon as I 
had taken in these several points, I immediately started for 
the little black boy, fully intending to annihilate him on the 
spot. But I directly found it was not as easy reaching him 
as I had supposed. My snow-shoes were anything but aids 
to me. They tripped me up repeatedly ; while the little 
black boy, at my futile attempts to reach him, laughed the 
more. I could only shake my fist at him, at the same time 
giving him to understand how wonderfully he was exposing 
himself to a whipping. Mrs. G., also, I perceived, was 
freely indulging herself at my expense ; and, to crown all, 
I saw the new cook, with arms akimbo, standing at her 
side, fairly crying. I think I hated, for the moment, the 
entire community. At last, completely worn out, I sank 
down in the snow, quite resolved to pass the day there. 
This plan had the desired effect. It obtained for me the 
sympathy of Mrs. G. For, opening the yindows, she en- 



72 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

treated me to return to the house. I only shook my head, 
and plunged deeper into the snow. A moment afterwards 
she dispatched the little black boy with a small covered 
jug containing a hot preparation for me to imbibe. This 
revived me exceedingly; and after drinking Mrs. Gray s 
health, I resolved to continue my journey. With the as 
sistance of a long pole, similar to those the Ravels use, I 
moved cautiously forward. Just as I passed around the 
corner of the house, I noticed Mrs. G. standing in the door 
way, with one hand on her side, and waving with the other 
a white handkerchief, as if to encourage me to advance. 
As soon, however, as I had got out of sight I stopped, un 
strapped the snow-shoes, and placing them under my arm, 
retreated quietly by the back way into the house, and 
thence, proceeding to the library, sat comfortably down and 
began a letter of inquiry to my brother-in-law, who lives 
Out West." 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 73 




CHAPTER XIV. 

Spring and Green Peas. Pea-nuts. My Wickedness. " The Husband s 
Appeal." How it affected Mrs. Gray. Speech of the Little Black 
Boy A Brandy Peaches. 

HEX I looked from my chamber-window the other 
morning, I found, to my surprise, that spring had 
arrived. The snow, which since last Decem 
ber encompassed Hillside, had now, thanks to the night s 
rain, almost entirely disappeared. I mentioned as much to 
Mrs. Gray. She simply replied, " Nonsense." Thereupon, 
to convince Mrs. G. of the truth of what I had asserted, I 
opened the window-sash and let in, not only the first breath 
of spring, but also some bird music, " the matin songs," 
as I informed my wife, " of a robin and bluebird," which 
feathered warblers I noticed on the leafless elm at the side 
of the house. 

Mrs. Gray being now convinced, said that she considered 
spring the delightfullest season of the year ; adding, after a 
pause, that she trusted we would have plenty of radishes. 

" And peas, Mrs. G.," I remarked. 

" Yes," she said, " peas of course ; and lettuce, and aspar 
agus, and nasturtiums." 

What nasturtiums were I had not the least idea ; but as 
my brother-in-law, who lives " Out West," had advised me, 
I resolved not to betray my ignorance. So I merely said, 
" Oh, yes, certainly." 

In a private talk which I held, just around the corner of 
the barn, with the little black boy, I learned what they are. 
According to his report, I find they are a species of berry, 
somewhere between the strawberry and barberry. This, to 



74 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

me, is perfectly satisfactory. I feel myself under obligations 
to him. I consider his knowledge of " garden sauce " very 
extensive. I informed Mrs. G. of the opinion I entertain 
concerning him. She is very glad he is so learned in such 
matters. She hopes, after I have examined him more fully 
on the subject, that I will give him the situation of gardener. 
I have promised her to do so. 

There is a patch of ground near the house, on which I 
propose raising a variety of vegetables. It is very con 
venient in the spring to own fresh vegetables. It saves the 
trouble of going to market for them. Not but what it is 
a pleasant thing, sometimes, of a spring morning, to go to 
market. When I was a boy, nothing pleased me better. 
My purchases, however, at that time, were small. They 
seldom exceeded a basket of strawberries or a bunch of 
radishes. Indeed, my family was so limited only Barry 
Gray and myself that it Avas unnecessary to purchase any 
large stock. Besides, I was obliged, for reasons best known 
to my mother, to be somewhat economical. 

The little black boy is making great preparation, also, 
in regard to that patch of ground. He contemplates rais 
ing pea-nuts in the southern corner of the same. On ex 
amining his lot of seed pea-nuts, I found that the larger 
proportion of them were baked. I told the little black boy 
this ; he replied he was glad of it, for he preferred those 
that were baked. I am afraid that my ebony friend will 
not realize all he expects to from his speculation. 

I regret to say that I accidentally damaged the feelings 
of Mrs. Gray this morning while at breakfast. It did not 
seem to me that the coffee I was drinking quite equalled 
the first cup the original one, I mean, that won my 
bachelor heart prepared for me by Mrs. G. I have 
thought for a month past in fact, ever since my wife re 
turned from her mother s that there was a gradual falling 
off in the quality of said coffee. This was effected so 
gradually, however, that it was impossible for me to detect 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 75 

the daily change. It was only by recalling to my blessed 
memory the peculiar flavor and fragrance of that early cup 
that I could satisfy myself in the matter. This morning, 
for the first time, it seemed to me that the coffee had gone 
through the process of boiling. By boiling coffee, it loses 
that delicate flavor which is absolutely necessary for it 
to possess, that so it may be what is called a fine cup of 
coffee. 

I mentioned to Mrs. Gray my suspicions. I did so in a 
very kind and considerate manner. I had no intention, by 
so doing, of wishing to break her heart, as she ungenerously 
insisted that I had ; neither was it my purpose to make her 
cry, as she sobbingly asserted it was. I had no thought 
either that what I said might bring on again an attack of 
nervous headache, although Mrs. G. said I had. Something, 
too, Mrs. G. remarked to me from behind her cambric, 
about paying another visit to her mother. This, of course, 
I can never accede to. It would not do for my wife to go 
away again from Hillside, unless we went together. I would 
not like to suffer from loneliness as I did during her late 
absence. No, I would rather drink such coffee as the 
neighbors might send in, than allow my wife to leave me. 
Before I could pacify Mrs. Gray, I was obliged to drink 
five cups of the coffee in question. I believe she saw then 
that I entertained no ill-will towards either her or the 
coffee. 

I noticed that she did not deny my charge in relation 
to the boiling business. The little black boy haunts the 
kitchen about meal-time. From something he informed me, 
after partaking of a brandy-peach in the library, I am in 
clined to think that I hit the nail on the head. Still I am 
sorry to have hurt Mrs. G. s feelings. 

Immediately after breakfast, however, I retired to the 
library, where I wrote, on some delicate buff-colored paper, 
a few verses, which, after enclosing them in an envelope 
matching the paper, I dispatched to Mrs. Gray by the hand 



76 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

of the little black boy. They read as follows, and are 
entitled 

THE HUSBAND S APPEAL. 

In my memory there dwelleth forms and faces most divine, 
Which in boyhood s days I cherished, thinking I should make them 

mine : 

Faces only seen in slumbers, or in fancy s golden dreams, 
Or on stained oriel windows, when the sunlight through them 

gleams, 

Faces such as Raphael painted, such as poets love to weave 
In their sweetest, best creations, over which we joy or grieve. 

But of all these lovely pictures, there is none that will compare 
With the living, mortal woman, who is good as she is lair : 
Lowly minded, pure, and earnest, serving God with all her heart, 
And, like Mary of the Scripture, choosing well the better part. 
She it is who sits beside me, she who, trusting, gave her hand, 
With the promise that together we would journey through the land. 

I have walked with haughty damsels, walked with maids of low 

degree ; 

Spoken words of praise to beauty, and to goodness bowed the knee ; 
Felt my heart grow warm from glances cast by softest eyes of blue, 
Felt my heart grow strong and earnest cheered by eyes of darker 

hue ; 
Hoped and struggled toiled and suffered, for some paltry gain in 

life, 
But in nothing found contentment till I found my blesse d wife. 

WIFE ! the word is full of beauty full of purity and truth 
Whether now tis present with us whether still a dream of youth, 
Unfulfilled a hope a something which may never come to pass ; 
Or, a memory sweet, though faded, like the old year s faded grass. 
WIFE! it speaks of home of children joys too sweet to be 

revealed : 
One to love to cherish pray for, and from every grief to shield. 

You, who have a wife to love you with a love that s unsurpassed, 
Treasure it as something precious, for you know not if t will last. 
Death may come within your dwelling, chase the sunlight from each 
room, 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 77 

Turn the blazing hearth to ashes fill your onward path with 

gloom. 

Pray, then, that no word be spoken to her, which you may regret, 
When the golden bowl is broken when the light of home is set. 

If you carelessly have uttered words that bore a bitter sting, 

Ask yourself these simple questions, Can they break the marriage 

ring ? 
Can they even dim the lustre which that marriage ring should 

bear ? 
Can they fill her heart with sorrow, or enshroud her brow with 

care? 

If your cooler moments show you these or more may come to pass. 
Quickly seek to be forgiven, ere life s sands shall quit the glass. 

When the pleasant word is spoken, asking pardon for your sin, 
How the upturned face is gladdened ! how rejoiced the heart within ! 
What low, tender words come flowing from the fountain you have 

stirr d, 

When your voice, in pleading accents, by the precious one is heard ! 
Oh ! t is something good and noble thus to set a heart at rest, 
Sending peace and sweet contentment back within the fluttering 

breast. 

Oh, my darling wife ! I pray thee, list to what I have to say, 
And forgive the mean suspicion entertained by Barry Gray. 
It was foolish, idle, naughty, thus for me to speak to thee, 
And t were justice, love, to make me live a week on sloppy tea. 
But if mercy tempers justice and I know it will, my dear 
You 11 forgive me, and my coffee henceforth will be strong and 
clear. 

"When Mrs. Gray had perused the above verses, she was, 
as she has since informed me, very much affected by them. 
She proceeded directly to the library, where I was, and 
winding her arms around my neck, gave way to tears. For 
my own part, I could not refrain from joining her. I felt 
quite weak and unmanned. Our proceedings quite astounded 
the little black boy, who chanced to be in the room ; and 
he came very near crying himself, but fortunately a fit of 
laughter saved him from it. 



78 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

When Mrs. G. had recovered her composure, and, with 
needlework in her hands, was quietly seated on a low stool 
just at my feet, she informed me of a piece of singular con 
duct on the part of the little black boy. In presenting to 
her the lines above quoted, he got upon a chair and at 
tempted to make a speech. If it had not been, Mrs. G. 
remarked, for some extra efforts at politeness of his, she 
thinks he would have uttered something highly creditable. 
He, however, undertook too much. After every two or 
three words which he uttered he attempted a graceful bow, 
what I call a dancing-school bow, one which my friend 
Frank taught to him. The result was, that, in making one 
of these bows, after he had got as far in his speech to my 
wife, as saying, " Ladies and gentlemen," he fell from the 
chair, and dropping the note on the floor, which Mrs. Gray 
picked up, he retired into private life. 

In questioning my ebony friend in regard to his conduct, 
from the confused manner in which he answered, I suspect 
ed that all was not right. In fact, I detected unmistakable 
signs in him of intoxication. Straightway I examined the 
jar containing brandy-peaches, when I discovered a won 
derful falling off in the quantity therein. It seems that the 
little black boy had been occupied, during the time I was 
writing " The Husband s Appeal," in devouring my stock 
of brandied fruits. He could n t have eaten less, I judged, 
than thirty to forty peaches, to say nothing of the syrup ac 
companying them. This, then, was the reason that the lad 
attempted a speech. This was the cause, too, of his falling 
off the chair. I must take better care of my brandy-peaches. 
I can t afford to intoxicate him at the price this cost me. 
Besides, it made him very sick. He did no chores " 
through the day. I was obliged to send for our family 
physician, and a stomach-pump, and a box of blue pills. 
He had an awful time it nearly threw him into fits; Dr. 
Philtre said it was because the little black boy had swal 
lowed all the stones! I should judge from this that too 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 79 

many brandy -peach-stones don t agree with little black 
boys. When Master Ebony saw the doctor and the stomach- 
pump, he was very much frightened so frightened that 
the kinks in his hair straightened out. During the height 
of his attack he solemnly promised, both the doctor and 
myself, never to eat any more brandy-peaches. 



80 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER XV. 

Interesting Times at Hillside. Mrs. G. s Industry. My Brother-in-Law s 
Letter. My Dilemma. Strange Woman. A Precious Package. 
Bribing the Nurse. Pin-cushions. Clarence s Letter. X. s Baby. 

VE experienced highly interesting times at Hill 
side lately. Not altogether unexpected, however ; 
for from various little circumstances which came 
under my notice, I more than half suspected how the mat 
ter would end. Sometimes, when I entered the house un 
expectedly, I would discover my wife at work on rather 
mysterious-looking articles. My desire to learn for what 
purpose they were intended, was increased by the fact that 
I thought Mrs. Gray endeavored to keep them out of my 
sight. I felt certain they were not for any one then com 
posing my family circle. What, and for whom they were, 
thenceforth became to me a question of considerable in 
terest. I revolved the matter in my own mind many times, 
without coming to anything like a definite conclusion. At 
last it occurred to me that I had better write a letter of 
inquiry to my brother-in-law, who lives " Out West." I did 
so ; and in it mentioned some small circumstances which I 
thought might help to throw a light on the subject. I told 
him my wife was engaged in making up several drawers of 
strange garments. I confessed to him, however, that they 
looked very pretty. There was a good deal of lace and 
insertion and edging used in connection with them. They 
consisted principally of muslins, cambrics, and such light 
fabrics ; together with fine flannels, some of them, I noticed, 
being embroidered with white silk very neatly. I also 
mentioned as being rather singular more than because 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 81 

I thought it had anything to do with the subject in ques 
tion that Mrs. Gray had lately purchased several pieces 
of towelling ; and that, consequently, we were well off in 
the matter of towels, so that if he should come to Hillside, 
as I knew he loved cleanliness above all things, he 
would not find us short in the articles of rain-water and 
towels. I waited very patiently for his answer. At last it 
came. It was very brief, though not, it seemed to me, 
particularly lucid. It read thus : 

" OUT WEST," April 1st. 

DEAR BARRY, Coming events cast their shadows be 
fore. Look out for a well-spring of pleasure. [See Tup- 
per.] Your affectionate brother-in-law, 

MAC. 

After I had read it I was more puzzled than ever. 
" What," I asked myself, " if coming events do cast their 
shadows before ? I know who said that long before my 
brother-in-law thought of it. T was a certain wizard 
warning Lochiel ; but what in wonder has it to do with 
me ? " 

I confess, however, that the remaining portion of the 
letter considerably startled me. "Look out for a well- 
spring of pleasure ! " It was as if he had said, Look out 
for a locomotive." But where, in the name of the Old 
Woman who lived in a Shoe, and who, according to Mother 
Goose, had so many children that she did n t know what to 
do, was I expected to look for one. It did n t exactly seem 
clear to me, either, whether he wanted me to look out for 
one for myself, or whether it was a commission he gave me 
to select one for him. I rather inclined to the latter ren 
dering of the sentence. I considered about it. I took the 
little black boy s opinion on the subject. He coincided, 
heart and soul, with me. I began to calculate the profits 
which would be mine if I succeeded in finding a well-spring 
of pleasure whatever that might be for my brother- 
6 



82 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

in-law, who lives " Out West." Ten per cent, commission, 
I thought, would be about the fair thing. I carefully ex 
amined the " price current " of the New York market, as 
set forth in the papers, without finding therein the article 
of which I was in search. The price of well-springs, it 
seemed, was not quoted. I contemplated writing to Agassiz 
to learn if he could give me any information on the sub 
ject. I presumed a naturalist would know all about it. 
But who, I asked myself, is the individual named Tupper, 
whom my brother-in-law advises me, between brackets, to 
see. I asked Mrs. Gray if she could give me any informa 
tion regarding one Tupper. She replied that he was the 
person who wrote the " Proverbial Philosophy." Thereupon 
I referred to the volume in question, in hope of obtaining 
the desired information. After a diligent search I read in 
its pages, " A babe in a house is a well-spring of pleasure/ 
I was thunder-struck, but the riddle was solved. 

Some time after this a very remarkable woman appeared 
at Hillside, where she made herself very much at home, 
taking possession of our best chamber, and ruling the cook 
with a rod of iron. The little black boy says that she uses 
the same rod with which to rule him, except that she heats 
it red-hot. She wanted the keys of sundry left-hand clos 
ets where I keep " medical stuff," and insisted on having 
the key of the inner cellar. I am happy to state that I was 
enabled to " stand out " against her overbearing wishes. 
When she found how decided I was, she held her peace. 
But she has a way of looking at me which is unendurable. 

Somewhere about twenty-four hours after the arrival of 
said woman, there was another arrival. A small but pre 
cious package came to hand. I allude to the birth of my 
infant son. I feel very proud of this acquisition to my 
family. I have made a memorandum of the date of this 
event in my Hebrew Bible, also in my Greek Testament ; 
and as soon as I can obtain a large family Bible, I shall 
record it there in the proper place. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 83 

Of course I soon discovered what situation at Hillside 
the strange woman came to fill. I had no idea that nurses 
were so arbitrary as is this woman. I was scarcely per 
mitted to set foot into my wife s chamber. I was exiled, as 
it were, out in the barn. It was only by giving the nurse 
a five-dollar bill that I was permitted, after three weary 
days, to look on the face of my infant son. When as I 
several times each day insisted on doing I went into my 
wife s diamber to press her pale cheek, and clasp her thin 
hand for a moment, while I whispered some endearing 
word, the baby was either " sound asleep and must n t be 
disturbed," or else he was " crying, and if I look d at him 
t would make him cry the more," that I began to think I 
might as well not be a father if I were never to be per 
mitted the pleasure of holding my own child. Times, how 
ever, are changed since I gave the nurse the five-dollar 
bill ; and I have, in several instances, held the child some 
what more than was necessary to my entire satisfaction. 

I shall be very glad when the nurse takes her departure. 
I am inclined to think it will not be long before she does ; 

O 

for there was a gentleman up here from the village, a day 
or two since, who held a private conversation with her, 
and who, I thought, expressed a desire to have her visit 
him. 

When it became known that I was the owner of a baby, 
congratulations and presents began to drop in. The pin 
cushion, which does duty so often on these occasions, was 
duly received the day before the event occurred. It was of 
white satin, trimmed with blue ribbon, and the pins were 
so placed as to read, " Welcome, little stranger." This came 
from my sister, who lives " Out West." In addition to this, 
an English lady, a resident of Montreal, sent me one with 
the motto " Up Guards, and at em ! " Then, too, my friend 
Bustle got up a very pretty one, with the sentence, " See, 
the conquering hero comes." My bachelor friends in the 
village sent me a " round robin," expressive of their ap- 



84 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

proval of the thing, and wishing me many returns of the 
same. They also sent a silver spoon to " Little Barry," with 
the compliments of the season. From my friend Clarence, 
who lives " Over the Bay," I received the following letter. 

" OVER THE BAY," Some Time in May. 

MY DEAR BARRY, You remember our mutual friend, 
X., of boarding-school memory, the chap who always wore 
red flannel drawers, a blue shirt, and adorned his head o 
nights with a white cotton nightcap ? we nicknamed him 
tricolor, and who, moreover, was continually talking about 
wumpusses " and " wows," because he could n t pronounce 
the letter R ? Yes, of course you do. Well, X. got mar 
ried one day, and, in due course of time, was blessed with a 
baby, and such a baby ! none of your pale, lily-complex- 
ioned youngsters, but one as red, sir, when I saw it. as a 
peony. To hear X. speak of it, you would have thought 
t was the only baby in Christendom ; babies have become 
more common since then, I believe. 

When it was a week old, X. coaxed me to go home with 
him to see it ; I consented, and I must say I was consider 
ably astonished by that, my first sight of an incipient young 
man. Never, if I live to be more than very aged, shall I 
forget it. Before attending X. to his home, I fortified my 
self with a glass of wine, a ham sandwich, and read a 
chapter of old " Burton s Anatomy of Melancholy." I like 
wise placed in my pocket a copy of " Mother Goose," a 
Noah s Ark, and a pound of Stuart s broken candy, for, 
somehow, I thought they would serve to amuse and instruct 
" Little Paul," but, bless you, Barry, I found he knew 
absolutely nothing about our light literature, was fearfully 
benighted regarding the event of the flood, and, I believe, 
sucked something quite different than candy. 

Of course X. s topic of conversation, on the way to his 
modest domicile, was the baby. He mentioned its weight, 
which either was nine ounces or nine pounds, I Ve forgot- 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 85 

ten wliich ; and he told me of its hair, which would one 
day, he said, be either white or red ; as yet, the family 
his wife s family could n t decide which. X. s, you may 
remember, is decidedly red ; and I judged, after seeing the 
child, from that particular color prevailing to an alarming 
extent, that it would probably be like our friend X. s. He 
said something, too, about little X. s teeth, and wished to 
know who was my dentist, together with sundry other 
questions that have escaped my memory. 

When we had reached the house, X. led me cautiously 
into a darkened room, and up to the side of the bed, within 
which I discerned a little heap of flannel ; softly he raised 
the covering till I caught sight of a very bald head and the 
tip of a remarkably little nose. " There," said X. exult- 
ingly, did you ever see a boy like that before ? " As it had 
never been my luck so to do, I could, with a good con 
science, answer Xo ! " Look at his hands," he continued, 
and he placed in mine a chubby little fist that felt like 
velvet and looked like a crumpled rose-leaf, " are n t they 
beautiful ? " And then he showed me the child s feet, very 
broad at the toes and very narrow at the heel ; and if the 
nurse hadn t come up just as she did, I verily believe he 
would have continued his researches for my benefit very 
much further. 

As I stood regarding minor X. with about the same feel 
ing of wonderment as possessed me when looking at the 
mummied cats in Abbot s collection, not knowing what I 
was expected to do next, whether to kiss him, or go away 
without kissing, he stirred the tip of his nose a trifle and 
breathed quite hard. So I said to great X., " Don t you 
think small X. has a cold ? " " Oh, no ! " he answered, pat 
ronizingly, as if pitying my ignorance, " that s snoring, 
he s snored more or less all of his life." Then the baby 
began to cry : the father said it was caused by wind ; the 
nurse said I had better be going; and so, depositing my 
offerings at the baby s feet, I took, I trust, my last look of 



86 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

X. s baby, and departed. As I descended the stairs, I 
thought I heard X. singing the ditty of " Rock-a-bye, baby." 
With feelings of deep commiseration, my dear Barry, 
for your unfortunate situation, I remain, 

Your bachelor friend, 

CLARENCE. 

It is evident to me that Clarence knows little or nothing 
of babies. What has X. s child got to do with mine, I 
should like to know ! so far as I can see, absolutely 
nothing. What does he mean, then, by writing to me such 
a letter ? I am afraid that there will be trouble between 
Clarence and myself, unless he explains matters. To think 
of comparing my infant son with X. s baby ! The thing is 
highly preposterous and insulting. I feel it a duty which 
I owe my infant son to call Clarence to an account. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 87 




CHAPTER XVI. 

My Bachelor Friends pay their Respects to the Baby. Their Offerings. 
My Speech. Proceedings at the Barn. John. Cultivating Catnip. 
Lines^o our Baby. His Disappearance. Our Anxiety. His Return. 

Y bachelor friends visited Hillside lately, for the 
purpose of paying their respects to the new baby. 
They marched up here in procession. The baby 
was prepared to receive them. He was neatly, not gor 
geously, arrayed in a new bib and tucker. I had, moreover, 
requested the nurse to curl his hair. She complied, I be 
lieve, with my request, as far as practicable. Each of my 
bachelor friends, it gives me pleasure to state, brought with 
him some little present, as a birthday offering to my infant 
son. The offerings consisted, principally, of juvenile toys ; 
and comprised two sets of corals and bells, a wooden trump 
et, a drum, a sword, a top, a tin horse, an A-B-C primer, 
five India-rubber teething-rings, a rattle, and a silver tooth 
pick ; together with a pair of mittens, a volume of the 
" Star-Spangled Banner," a wooden spoon, a pair of mous 
taches, a quantity of popped corn, and a dozen cinnamon- 
scented cigars. In returning thanks for these favors re 
ceived, which I did in behalf of my little boy, I remarked 
that many of them were not only ornamental but useful ; 
and that they were quite sufficient in number to set him up 
handsomely in the world. In conclusion, I said, that I 
trusted my friends would soon give me an opportunity to 
reciprocate, in a like manner, the obligations they had placed 
me under. At this point several of my friends cried, " hear ! 
hear ! " being, apparently, favorably impressed with what I 
had said. I then closed with the following sentiment : 



88 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

" Bachelors and Babies, though thoroughly antagonistic. 
each, seemingly, striving to put the other down, yet by the 
magic of a golden ring often become closely and fondly 
united." 

On account of the young gentleman s nerves, my bache 
lor friends were admitted, one at a time, within the sacred 
precincts of the nursery, and there, in the presence of the 
nurse, were severally introduced to my infant son. The 
child behaved exceedingly well, and showed to good advan 
tage, until my thirteenth friend, who sports a moustache, 
looked upon him, when he became frightened and immedi 
ately commenced crying, which, I am ashamed to confess, 
he kept up during the remaining presentations. 

After the introductions were over, to the satisfaction, I 
believe, of all, my friends, headed by the black boy, pro 
ceeded to the barn, where a cold collation was spread. In 
consideration of Mrs. Gray s delicate state of health, I se 
lected the barn, as being the more proper place than the 
house, in which to entertain my friends. It was. perhaps, 
well that I did so ; for, towards the conclusion of the feast, 
several speeches were made and songs sung, which elicited 
considerable applause. There was, also, a degree of excite 
ment at one time, which threatened to destroy the harmony 
of the occasion. It arose from a desire, on the part of each 
of my bachelor friends, to be honored with having the baby 
for a namesake. They even went so far as to ballot for a 
name. On examining the votes I found that each present 
had cast a ballot in his own favor. The result was as fol 
lows : The votes on which were inscribed the name John, 
amounted to three. All the other names received but one 
each. This result arose from the fact that there were three 
Johns present. Hereupon my friends, with the exception 
of the three Johns, violently protested against the legality 
of the whole affair ; and, finally, at my suggestion, concluded 
to leave the matter with Mrs. Gray; which, under the 
circumstances, I consider a wise and prudent course. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 89 

I am sorry not to be able to give a report of the speeches 
which were made on this very interesting occasion. Un 
fortunately, only a brief synopsis of my own speech, as above 
recorded, was preserved. The little black boy who, I 
am happy to state, has entirely recovered from the brandy- , 
peach-stone illness sung a song, the words of which, I 
believe, may be found in the unabridged editions of 
" Mother Goose," beginning and ending in this wise : 

" Rock-a-bye, baby, upon the tree-top, 
When the wind blows the cradle will rock, 
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall, 
Down comes lullaby baby and all." 

Thus triumphantly ended the ceremony of the presenta 
tion of my bachelor friends in the nursery, together with 
the festal proceedings afterwards enacted at the barn. 

The baby already begins to notice things. To stare, with 
his great blue eyes, at the blazing lamps, seems for the 
present to be the height of his ambition. He cries, too, I 
have discovered ; cries o nights, I understand. But this 
concerns his nurse, however, more than it does me. He 
has thus far, as I have been confidentially informed, passed 
through life without suffering from those " little diseases " 

O O 

to which infant flesh is heir. That we may be prepared, 
however, for all exigencies, I have instructed the black boy 
to devote a small part of his garden to the cultivation of 
catnip, saffron, and such like simple herbs. 

I took the liberty, one Sunday afternoon, during the ab 
sence of the nurse in the village, to " tend baby" From 
certain observations I made at that time, I am satisfied that 
he is considerable of a boy. Mrs. Gray says that he is a 
very handsome child, handsomer, she seems to think, than 
the general run of such articles. To me, he appears to be 
very much like other babies. In fact, I think his resem 
blance to them is striking. The same excess of brilliant 
coloring is displayed in him, which my friend, from " Over 



90 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

the Bay," mentioned as prevailing to an alarming extent in 
X. s baby. Time, however, Mrs. G. assures me, will remove 
my objections in this particular. 

Ever since the arrival of my infant son, Mrs. Gray has 
not ceased to importune me to address some verses to his 
little lordship. As soon, therefore, as I could bring my 
mind into a proper state for verse-making, I did so, and 
composed these lines : 

TO OUR BABY. 

Little allspice, pepper, pickle ! 
Baby, changeable and fickle, 
Lying in your nurse s arras, 
Safe from everything that harms ; 
Full of smiles, and full of tears, 
Full of joys, and full of fears, 
Are you mortal or divine ? 
Tell me, little baby mine ! 

Little rabbit, cricket, robin ! 
Baby, whimpering and sobbing, 
Sleeping on your mother s lap, 
Dreaming, whiles, of sweetened pap, 
Pleased with chirping, pleased with song, 
Quieted by nothing long, 
Care you most for milk or wine ? 
Tell me, little baby mine ! 

Little monkey, lemon, clove, 
Baby, fruit of wedded love, 
Seated on your father s knee, 
As wide awake as you can be, 
Striving, while you clutch the air, 
To pull his whiskers or his hair, 
Think you not you re something fine ? 
Tell me, little baby mine ! 

Little poppy, saffron, thistle, 
Baby stilled with chirp and whistle, 
Nestled in your cradle small, 
Like a little waxen doll, 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 91 

Do you in your slumbers view 
Spirits hovering over you, 
Angel spirits half divine? 
Tell me, little baby mine ! 

Little cherub, sunshine, star, 

Baby, comfort of mama, 

Welcomed to this world with kisses, 

Crowned with love and earthly blisses ; 

Dimpled darling, blue-eyed boy, 

A future hope, a present joy ; 

Why thus round my heart entwine ? 

Tell me, little baby mine ! 

I am sorry to say that Mrs. Gray considers the above 
lines not exactly the thing. She thinks that I address the 
baby by improper titles. In short, she evinces considerable 
disappointment in regard to them : but I have promised 
her, one of these days, to write some others of a more 
pleasing character. 

We missed the baby this morning from his cradle. He 
was not to be found in any of his accustomed haunts. At 
first, I thought some one of my bachelor friends had come 
up to Hillside and stolen him. Mrs. Gray was fearfully 
agitated about it. The nurse was very angry, and vented 
a good portion of it on me. She declared I had hidden 
the infant. For my own part, though I expressed consid 
erable anxiety in regard to the young man s movements, 
yet I confess I was secretly pleased at his absence. I won 
dered if he would stay away forever. I fervently hoped 
that we would have no more little boys nor little girls 
either, simply for the reason that I don t like to have a 
nurse in the house. The house, generally, was in an up 
roar. I was afraid at one time that the ceilings would fall. 
After a while, the new cook, taking me aside, told me, in a 
sepulchral whisper, that she suspected the dog had devoured 
the baby. She had seen him, it seems, very composedly 
licking his chops, out on the green in front of the house. 



92 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

The suspicion, however, was much too horrible for me to 
entertain. If I had not remembered the story of Beth- 
Gelert, I might have killed the dog. Nevertheless, I called 
Watch to me and examined his mouth ; but I saw nothing 

O 

which would indicate that he had breakfasted off of our 
baby. When I showed him the empty cradle and said, 
" Baby ! " he barked violently and ran towards the door. It 
seemed to me that he understood what I meant. As I have 
often heard of the sagacity of dogs, I resolved to follow 
wherever he might lead, in the hope that thereby I might 
discover the lost baby. As soon, therefore, as I opened the 
door, he started for the stable, stopping in his progress to 
ascertain if I were following. Having satisfied himself in 
this matter, he would bark encouragingly and lead on. 
When we reached the stable, I discovered, much to my 
astonishment, indignation, and joy, the little black boy 
seated on the sorrel horse, holding in his arms, safe and 
sound, our baby. To my question how he dared to carry 
off the baby, he replied, that he guessed the baby wanted 
to see the pigs, and horses, and turkeys, and hens, and the 
" new red." I did not stop at that time to lecture the ebony 
lad, but I resolved to do so at no very distant day. Taking 
the baby, I hastened into the house, and placed him in the 
arms of his almost distracted mother, who seemed quite 
happy to receive him. When I told the nurse where I 
found him, her eyes flashed, and she straightway left the 
room. A few minutes thereafter I heard Mr. Black Boy 
making considerable of an outcry ; and it is my private 
opinion that the nurse gave him a whipping. Oh ! a 
monthly nurse is a terrible being! 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 93 




CHAPTER XVII. 

Plans for the Fourth. Old Soldiers. Fireworks. My Oration. 
National Hymn. American Flag. The Baby. My Audience. 
Dinner. Cat and Crackers. In the Evening. Barrel of Ale. 
Good-night. 

=|RS. GRAY, myself, and the little black boy cele 
brated the Fourth of July at Hillside in a most 
proper manner. For a week preceding this na 
tional anniversary, I was busied in making preparations for 
its coming. If it would not be considered altogether im 
probable by my friends, I would state that my best energies 
were devoted to getting up the celebration in a patriotic 
style. I held long conversations with Mrs. G. o evenings, 
seated on the front piazza, on the subject. My confabs 
with the little black boy on the same momentous question 
were not limited either to time or place. Mrs. Gray ad 
vocated strongly the plan of having Mr. G. deliver an 
original address, or, as it pleased her to term it, an oration, 
on the occasion. At the same time she herself offered to 
sing one of Morris s " National Hymns." 

The little black boy, however, cared nothing for anything 
of this kind, and " went in strong " for a lot of fireworks 
and a drum ; and especially did he insist on having a can 
non and a tar-barrel. So far as my own wishes went, I 
was desirous not only of celebrating the occasion in accord 
ance with Mrs. G. s and the little black boy s plans, but 
of doing something more in honor of the day, which, like 
Christmas and Paus, comes but once a year. I wanted to 
give a dinner to some old friends of mine : not my bachelor 
friends, for I knew Mrs. Gray would object to it ; nor yet 



94 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

to any of the young lady pupils of the college, for to this, 
too, I felt that my wife would be warranted in raising seri 
ous objections ; but to four old soldiers, men who saw 
service in the war of 1812. Poor and disabled they are, 
too : one with a leg missing, another an arm, and the other 
two feeble and white-haired. 

When I mentioned to Mrs. Gray my wishes, she came 
forward in what I call a noble and patriotic manner, and 
promised me that she and the cook would both stand by 
me in getting up the dinner, and she doubted not but 
the old soldiers would have a good one. 

This point being satisfactorily arranged, I could give my 
attention solely to writing the little address which, to please 
Mrs. G., I purposed delivering. The fireworks I left 
after giving some slight directions in the matter exclu 
sively to the care of the little black boy, to whom I gave 
an order on the village pyrotechnist ; and I must say that 
my ebony friend obtained a very magnificent assortment of 
fireworks. It appeared to me, when I received the bill for 
said fireworks, which was politely handed me the day after 
the Fourth, that the little black boy had made his pur 
chases regardless of expense. I asked the firework, man, 
when he tendered me the account, if fireworks had n t risen 
lately ? lie replied they had gone up rather high the pre 
vious evening, but that they were fallen low enough now. 

Hereupon he laughed, as if the matter was a capital joke ; 
but I confess I saw nothing funny in it. I offered to 
return him provided he would place the same to my 
credit some of the fireworks that would n t " off." 

o 

But he refused to receive them, and said that there was no 
demand in the market for them at present. He advised 
me, however, to keep them over till the next anniversary 
of the day, when, perhaps, I might dispose of them to ad 
vantage. I don t think I shall allow the little black boy to 
purchase fireworks on my account again, for he buys " not 
wisely, but too well." I have since understood that, on 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 95 

account of his extensive purchase, the villagers generally 
were rather " short " in the matter of fireworks. I know, 
now, why so many visitors came to Hillside in the evening ; 
it was reported in the village that I had bought up all the 
fireworks that were for sale, and they came, doubtless, to 
witness the display. 

A few days previous to the Fourth, I drove out with Mrs. 
Gray to call on the old soldiers above mentioned, for the 
purpose of inviting them to Hillside. We found it quite 
impossible to make short calls, as they each had so much 
to say, that we were, perforce, constrained to sit quietly and 
listen till their stories were ended. Our first visit, which 
was to the one-armed veteran, consumed the better part of 
the day, and it was only by skilful management on my part 
that we succeeded in getting through with the remaining 
ones by nightfall. It was no difficult task, nor required 
much diplomacy, to obtain from each a promise to honor 
Hillside with his presence on the approaching Fourth. To 
tell the truth, they all appeared very anxious to come, and 
kept sending me word every day thereafter, until the 
Fourth, that I must be sure and remain at home, and not 
go away to celebrate the day elsewhere. They were very 
fearful that I would forget my engagement made with 
them, and, I believe, took turns in watching the road that 
leads from Hillside. The little black boy was stopped 
every time he passed the blacksmith s shop, where these 
old soldiers kept watch, and was put through a very severe 
cross-examination in regard to the preparations at Hill 
side. 

When the evening of the third arrived, everything, I am 
happy to state, was in proper train for the next day. My 
address was completed, and I had practised delivering it, 
in the barn, before the little black boy. Mrs. Gray had 
succeeded in setting the national hymn to appropriate 
music, and ever and anon was singing it softly to herself. 
The cook, despite the heat of the weather, had the most 



96 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

important part of the dinner prepared for the oven. The 
little black boy, with assistance from one of the hired men, 
had erected, on the hillside opposite the house, a stand for 
the fireworks, and had obtained not only a cannon and tar- 
barrel, but a bass-drum. Just at sunset, the wooden-legged 
veteran made his appearance, bearing with him the Ameri 
can flag. He said that he kinder guessed, seeing as how 
the little black boy had n t said nothin about it, that I 
had n t " nary " a star-spangled banner on the premises, 
so he thought he d just bring along an old one which he 
used for a spread on his bed to home. 

As he had brought his bed s covering, it did not surprise 
me at learning that he intended to remain all night, " so as 
to be on hand," he remarked, " in the morning." And 
what is more than this, he has been " on hand " ever since, 
nor evinces any desire to take up his bedclothes and walk. 
He and the little black boy managed to keep awake till 
midnight, when they startled all the household by the re 
port of their cannon. I think they fired thirteen guns at 
that time, but will not be positive, for our baby, awakened 
by the report, cried so loudly that it was almost impossible 
to hear them. After performing this feat, the two heroes 
and the baby, I think, must have gone to sleep, for there 
was a lull from that time till sunrise. Then the cannon 
ading again commenced, with the additional noise of the 
drum, both of which were kept up pretty well through the 
day. 

When I made my appearance on the lawn, shortly after 
sunrise, I found all my old soldiers were ahead of me. 
They had come early, they said, " so as to make a day 
of it." 

As soon as we finished breakfast, I thought it would be 
well to get through with my address before the heat of the 
day came on. I mentioned as much to Mrs. Gray. She 
agreed with me in the matter, and only regretted the ab 
sence of a larger audience. I replied that, as it was to be 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 97 

my maiden effort at a Fourth of July oration, it were, per 
haps, as well not to desire an increase of hearers. She 
declared that I was too modest by half, and wished, at least, 
to dispatch the little black boy for the parson, that he 
might have the pleasure of listening to me on the occasion. 
I, however, objected seriously to this, but told Mrs. G. she 
might ask a few of the neighbors to be present. So she 
straightway sent the little black boy to invite them. Two 
of them returned answer that they were going down to the 
village to attend the circus ; while the third sent word that 
he did n t care anything about hearing Mr. Gray preach, 
and besides, he wanted to plough his corn. I think Mrs. 
G. was slightly disappointed at the refusal of her invitations. 
I believe, even, that she would have consented to have had 
my bachelor friends present for the sake of an audience. 

It was with considerable trouble that I got my few hear 
ers collected together in the shade of the elms, at the front 
of the house. I do not think they wanted to listen to me. 
Only my wooden-legged friend appeared to care anything 
about it ; and he absented himself so long when he went 
to call his companions, that I was obliged to send the little 
black boy after him. The lad not returning, and the old 
soldiers failing to make their appearance, I was forced to 
go for them myself. I found them all collected below the 
barn, pitching quoits. When I came among them, how 
ever, they ceased their sport, and said they were just on 
the point of coming as I turned the corner of the barn. 

Then, as if to provoke me, at the moment I rose to com 
mence, the baby began to cry ; so my wife had to enter the 
house to get him. While she was gone, the cook thought 
she smelt something burning on the stove ; so she departed 
to see about it. Then one of the old soldiers was thirsty, 
and went down to the well, just beside a stone jug which 
stood there, to get a drink. Then the rest of the old sol 
diers were thirsty, and followed suit. So only the little 
black boy remained ; and as I was afraid that he also would 



98 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

give me the slip if I waited longer, I commenced my ad 
dress. I think my sable friend rather " admired " being 
my solitary hearer, for he straightened back on his chair, 
pulled up his shirt-collar, showed his ivories, and exclaimed, 
" Hear, hear ! " before I had concluded my first sentence. 

As soon as I made my voice heard, one by one my au 
dience returned. First came Mrs. Gray and the baby ; 
then the cook, bringing with her a pan of peas to shell ; 
then my four old soldiers, rather the worse for their visit to 
the well, near the old stone jug ; and lastly, the farm-dog, 
Watch. 

Had my audience been less select than it was, I should 
doubtless have been flattered by the applause with which 
they greeted my speech. As it was, they applauded its 
feeblest parts and allowed its most striking points to go 
unnoticed. I discovered, too, that my old soldiers took 
their cue from the little black boy, and clapped their hands 
whenever he did. 

After a while when, too, I was in the most eloquent 
part of my oration the baby cried again ; so Mrs. Gray 
was obliged to carry him back into the house. Then, no 
longer kept in awe by his mistress presence, the little 
black boy commenced his pranks. My address was not 
written in the most legible hand, and as I am near-sighted, 
I was obliged often to hold the manuscript close to my eyes 
to enable me to decipher it. At such moments the little 
black boy would take the liberty of throwing crackers on 
the stage where I stood, which, exploding, caused me much 
indignation and dismay. I think that the old soldiers were 
rather pleased to have him do so, and encouraged him in 
it, notwithstanding a reprimand I administered. 

At last two of the old soldiers fell asleep, and the little 
black boy having slyly managed, without my having per 
ceived it, to get my wife s favorite cat and a pack of lighted 
crackers together into a barrel, thereby causing quite an ex 
citement, I abruptly brought my oration to a close. I sup- 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 99 

pose it will be published entire when my works are collected 
in book-form, after my death. Till then, however, unless 
surreptitiously taken therefrom, it will remain, unknown to 
the world, in a corner of my writing-desk. When Mrs. G. 
had succeeded in quieting the baby, she made her appear 
ance on the platform by my side, and sung the " National 
Hymn " spoken of above. I greatly regretted at the time, 
and stijl do, that the soldier-poet who composed the hymn 
was not present to hear it sung. My old soldiers roused 
themselves from their drowsiness, and beat time to the 
music with their crutches. My thrifty neighbor, who did n t 
care to hear me preach, left his plough standing in the 
furrow, and hastened across the fields to listen to this song. 
At its conclusion, they would not be satisfied till Mrs. G. 
once more sung it through. They did n t ask me, however, 
to repeat the oration, and I must confess I was glad they 
did not. 

To please the old soldiers, who were accustomed to 
early hours, dinner was served at exactly twelve o clock. 
In regard to it, I will simply say that it was got up under, 
the direction of Mrs. Gray, who was ably supported by the 
cook herself. Consequently it was one the merit of which 
has never been surpassed at Hillside. After the cloth was 
removed, several speeches of a somewhat rambling charac 
ter were made by the ancient warriors, and the little black 
boy sang an original song, composed by himself, to the air 
of "Oh, hush!" 

Directly after dinner the old soldiers complained of being 
drowsy, so I showed them into the large room where the 
farm-hands sleep, and left them to their naps. They 
charged me, however, before I went from the room, not to 
allow them to sleep later than the tea-hour. I gave the 
little black boy strict injunctions not to set off any fire 
crackers, nor to beat the drum, nor make any unnecessary 
noise. He promised me he would not. No sooner had I 
laid down, however, than I was aroused by a terrible outcry 



100 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

in the yard. On hastening thither to learn the cause of 
the disturbance, I found that the little black abomination 
had made an unhappy family in a hogshead, by placing 
therein the cat, dog, and five packs of lighted crackers. 
After I had restored peace by liberating the animals, I 
returned to my couch ; but it was vain for me to seek to 
sleep. No sooner did I get into a doze than a greater dis 
turbance awoke me. Now it was the cannon ; then the 
drum; and afterwards the old soldiers themselves, into 
whose pockets the black boy had inserted several serpents, 
pin-wheels, and other species of fire-crackers, which he had 
set off. So the afternoon wore away, and at last tea was 
ready. Then visitors from the village arrived. My bach 
elor friends, on horseback, came " for the purpose," as my 
" Arbor " friend expressed himself, " of staying all night 
with me." The editor of the " Star-Spangled Banner," 
accompanied by his " lady," rode up in a gig. 

AVhen the night came, and the young moon had hidden 
herself behind a bank of heavy clouds which lay in the 
,west, the rockets, and Catherine-wheels, and blue lights, 
and Roman candles, and fiery serpents, together with vari 
ous other kinds of fireworks the names of which I do not 
know r , were " set off," and elicited from the crowd assem 
bled considerable applause. After the fireworks had gone 
off, and a barrel of Taylor s Aster ale had been broached 
for the good of the public, Mrs. Gray, in a whisper, asked 
me if I would not like to deliver mv oration aorain. She 

v O 

had alluded to it, she said, in a little conversation she held 
with my tall friend Christopher, who had expressed much 
regret at not having heard it. I might never have the 
opportunity again, she added, of delivering it before such 
an assemblage. I pleaded weariness, however, and begged 
of her, if she loved me, not to mention the subject again, 
either to me or to any of my friends. 

Late in the night, after all the ale had disappeared, we 
lighted the tar-barrel, and by aid of its blaze my visitors 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 101 

found their way from Hillside. But my old soldiers were 
too wearied to go home, so they remained with me till after 
breakfast the following morning, and one, as I have before 
mentioned, remains a fixture at Hillside to this day. 

I nearly forgot to mention that the little black boy man 
aged, during the evening, to get slightly blown up. He 
went up on a bunch of rockets to which he accidentally set 
fire, and, much to his surprise, found himself, a few seconds 
thereafter, on the roof of the barn. He descended to the 
ground by the lightning-rod, however, and was particularly 
careful, during the remainder of the evening, how he han 
dled the rockets. He reported having passed two rocket 
sticks coming down as he went up, and when himself re 
turning- encountered three balls from a Roman candle. 

O 

With the exception of being made very bald, his hair 
having been entirely singed from off his head, he suffers 
no inconvenience from his trip. 



102 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER XVIII. 

An Anniversary. Mrs. G. slightly astonished. I refer to my Bachelor 
Days. Apology of the Little Black Boy. Duels. Fire-Eaters. 
Mrs. G. and the Baby. The Happy Occasion. Judge s Address. 
John s Speech. Serenading. 

| HE first anniversary of my wedding-day occurred 
short time since. It gives me pleasure to be 
able to mention that Mrs. Gray was very gracious 
on the occasion. Immediately after dinner on that day, 
Mrs. G. suggested to me the propriety of asking a few of 
my bachelor friends to pass the evening at Hillside. At 
first I said very decidedly, No ! but when I perceived that 
my wife had set her heart on my having them come, simply 
because she thought it would give me pleasure, I con 
sented. We were in the library at the time, and Mrs. 
Gray was examining, with delight, a little present I had 
just made her. It was a framed engraving Ary Schef- 
fer s Dante and Beatrice. It may be that this little cir 
cumstance had something to do with her graciousness. 

"When Mrs. G. asked who of my friends I desired to in 
vite, I took pencil and paper and wrote clown their names. 
I then handed the list to Mrs. Gray for her approval. Af 
ter perusing it, she said she feared that the house would 
not accommodate so many. She hoped that I would not 
think of asking more than five or six of the thirty-eight 
whose names she had read ; " besides," she added, I fear 
that the thought of being obliged to entertain so many 
persons, Mr. Gray, would bring on one of my nervous 
headaches." 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 103 

I should be very sorry to have Mrs. G. troubled again in 
this manner. I said something to her to that effect. She 
replied that she was happy in hearing me say so, but sup 
posed that it would be a matter of perfect indifference to 
my friends if she were sick or well. I assured her that such 
a supposition wronged them ; for I had repeatedly, on vari 
ous occasions and in different places, drank the health of 
Mrs. Gray, when the same had been proposed by one or 
anothejf of them. This seemed slightly to astonish her ; 
but she recovered in a few moments, and remarked that 
she hoped, for goodness sake, I did n t go about the village 
drinking that toast with every good-for-nothing bachelor I 
came across. She trusted, too, that I was not falling into 
any evil habits. I assured her, in reply to each of these, 
that I did and was not, and that moreover I had got rid, 
during the past year, of many habits which, though not 
really evil, and perhaps even well enough in a bachelor, 
were yet considered by her unbecoming a married man 
" and," added Mrs. G., smiling, " a father." 

" True, my dear," I said ; " a father." And I looked 
through the open door into the chamber beyond, where 
that father s little boy was slumbering in his crib ; and a 
heart-born though silent prayer rose heavenward for his 
peace and happiness through life. 

" Yes." I continued, after a minute s pause, " have n t I 
given up the pipe my German friend sent me ? do I look 
at the weed now, except semioccasionally ? do I ever sit 
xip with a sick friend ? do I stay out late o nights, unless 
when business demands it ? do I ever serenade young 
ladies ? do I go fishing ? have n t I almost forgotten where 
the Female College is situated ? does any one ever meet 
me in the Arbor, or at the Red Jacket Garden, save 
when you, my love, are with me ? what has become of my 
night-key ? " 

Here Mrs. Gray interrupted me by saying that it was 
with the bunch of keys I gave the baby yesterday to play 



104 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

with. Not heeding her, however, I continued, " And my 
boxing-gloves ? " 

Mrs. G. pointed to the little black boy, who just then 
passed across the lawn with his hat filled with my choicest 
cherries. 

" And," I exclaimed, as I dashed out of the room after 
my colored friend, " what has become of my liberty ? " 
and following up the subject, when I found myself out of 
Mrs. Gray s hearing, " my right to go and come unques 
tioned ? the jolly days and jollier nights of bachelorhood ? 
my old sweethearts ? my lady correspondents ? my games 
of whist? my" but having reached the little black boy 
and the cherries, I left the sentence unfinished. 

I think that I accosted that boy somewhat roughly. I 
know I frightened him, else why did he commence crying? 
When I told him he did very wrong to steal my cherries, 
he said he was ready to apologize. As I did n t want his 
apology, I set him to weeding the garden. He is not par 
tial to the business he complains of its making his back 
ache. I am glad I have at last found how to make it ache ; 
for a year past I have endeavored to discover some way 
of effecting this result, but without success. I already 
begin to feel sorry for that youth, as there is a great deal 
of land on the farm that will bear weeding, and when he 
gets through with that, if he lives long enough to do it, I 
will set him to picking up the stones that encumber the 
fields. 

When I returned to Mrs. Gray s presence, I had forgotten 
my grievances, and thought only of the proposed bachelor 
party for the evening. So when Mrs. G. asked for the names 
of the five or six whom I intended to invite, I was quite 
ready to name them to her. I confess, however, that I was 
disappointed. I could not but think how foolish it was in 
me to run the risk of offending thirty-two of my old friends 
simply for the sake of making five happy ; and even their 
happiness was problematical. At first I did n t think I 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 105 

could do it. I said so to my wife. She merely remarked, 
in reply, that she would assume all the responsibility in the 
matter. After this I could make no further objections ; 
but I took care, in selecting my company, to choose only 
such of my friends as possessed the most choleric and fiery 
dispositions ; and who would be the most likely to resent 
any slight which they might imagine rested in a non-invita 
tion. I did n t care to get involved in a quarrel with any 
one. which might possibly terminate in a duel. I don t 
approve of duelling, unless I and my antagonist stand on 
equal ground. When I was a bachelor, the thing was 
different ; but now, for me to fight a duel with an unmarried 
man, nobody s husband or father to speak of, would not, I 
think, be altogether the fair thing. To avoid a duel, then, 
was my reason for selecting the men I did. When I re 
peated their names to Mrs. Gray, she termed them a set 
of fire-eaters, and wondered at my taste ; but, neverthe 
less, said they would do. 

Straightway, then, I had the little black boy harness the 
horse, and rode down to the village. I first called on my 
friend Smith. Mr. S. is a very fierce man, and carries one 
of Colt s revolvers constantly with him. He says it is be 
cause he is afraid of highwaymen. For my part, I think 
he is more fearful of dogs. When I asked him to go to 
Hillside, he replied that the distance was so great, and the 
night so dark, and the watch-dogs so numerous on the line 
of the road, that he should not like to promise affirma 
tively. When I informed him that, being the height of 
the dog-days, the canines were kept chained, he hesitated 
no longer, but said he would go. 

Then I saw my friend John, of " Arbor " proclivity, who, 
unlike Mr. Smith, is n t afraid of dogs, but, on the con 
trary, is rather partial to them, and, I believe, keeps a 
fighting-dog, which, however, he endeavors to make the 
public think is simply a greyhound. When I told him that 
Mrs. Gray would be pleased to see him at Hillside that 



106 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

evening, he said he was sorry, but an engagement already 
made would prevent him from accepting her invitation. 
He felt afflicted beyond measure that it so chanced to be ; 
for he would any time go out of his way a mile for the sake 
of meeting with Mrs. Gray. His compliments, therefore, 
deep regrets, and all that sort of thing, he trusted I would 
deliver to her. Just as I was leaving him, I chanced to 
mention the beverage which would take the place of coffee 
on this occasion : so soon as I had uttered the word, he 
exclaimed I need say no more, for he would go to Hillside 
that evening, in spite of everything ; and he came. 

Frank, the Judge, and my tall friend P., all gave me to 
understand that nothing short of an earthquake would 
prevent them from honoring Hillside with their presence. 
Only Fred, of all the invited guests, did n t come ; possibly 
some young lady held out greater inducements than I 
offered, which influenced him to stay away. 

After I had made some few purchases necessary for the 
evening s entertainment, I turned homeward. When I came 
in sight of Hillside, I saw evident signs of rejoicing going 
on. The old soldier, who is yet spending the Fourth with 
me, had taken the liberty of spreading to the breeze his 
star-spangled banner. The cannon, too, which had deaf 
ened us on the National Anniversary, was placed on the 
lawn in front of the house, ready for action. As T rode 
into the yard, I noticed that the little black boy had on 
my highest standing-collar, and was, moreover, gorgeously 
arrayed in a crimson waistcoat which reached to his knees. 
The old soldier, also, had given more than usual attention 
to his toilet. He had evidently been using somebody s 
razor, and blacking-brush, and had rubbed up the tarnished 
buttons on his well-worn regimentals. He stood beside 
the cannon, and as I rode by he saluted me in a stiff and 
military fashion. 

Within the house, too, I found evidences of joy. Mrs. 
Gray, more charming than ever, appeared in her bridal 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 107 

attire ; and the baby, rosy and smiling, was half smothered 
in laces and ribbons. There was evidently a wish in my 
wife s heart to make the occasion one of pleasure. She 
looked back, I trusted, with no small degree of satisfaction, 
on the past year. For my own part, I could recall a great 
many red-lettered days in the twelve months gone by. 
Some of them, to be sure, came while Mrs. G. was visiting 
her mother ; but the greater portion of them occurred when 
my wife*\vas at home. Thinking of these things, then, was 
the reason why, when I encountered Mrs. Gray, I saluted 
her in a very hearty manner. 

In the evening, after the cannon had been fired thirteen 
times, my bachelor friends made their several appearances. 
It was a very pleasant thing for me to meet my old com 
panions once more around the social board. When I 
winked over my glass at one of them, during a temporary 
absence of my respected spouse from the dining-room, it 
seemed to me as though I were still a bachelor. I am 
sorry, also, to say that, for one moment or so, I forgot all 
about Mrs. Gray and the baby. It happened just at the 
time when I proposed the toast of " We, seven jolly bache 
lors long may we live ! " Mrs. G. recalled me to my 
senses by remarking that but five bachelors were present, 
while the balance of the company consisted of Mr. and Mrs. 
Gray. I immediately begged my wife s pardon, and hoped 
that she would overlook, on this happy occasion, any little 
mistakes of which I might be guilty. 

Of course there were several speeches made by my 
friends present : many of them complimentary speeches, 
extremely flattering to Mrs. G. and myself. The Judge 
made an unusually grave and sound address, in the course 
of which he charged his bachelor companions to follow 
my example. Circumstances, he said, purely of a private 
nature, would prevent him from living up to the advice he 
so freely gave. My friend John who, by the by, was 
rather too attentive to Mrs. G. during the evening got off 



108 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

quite a flippant speech, in which he had the audacity to assert 
that, had the farm contained one hundred acres more than 
it does, he would himself have married Mrs. Gray. This 
result, however, I have good authority for saying, could 
never have occurred under any circumstances. Frank 
spake sundry witty things, which flashed and sparkled like 
the beads on the champagne. Mr. Smith told some funny 
stories, and imitated perfectly the barking of a dog ; while 
my tall friend P. sung several sentimental songs, which 
were much applauded, and which either the applause or 
the singing caused the baby to wake. 

After a while, just before the party broke up, my old 
soldier marched into the room with his star-spangled ban 
ner wound around him, and informed the company that 
their mirth so disturbed him he could n t sleep, and he 
begged them, if they honored old soldiers, to go home like 
good boys ; which advice, as the large hay-wagon at that 
moment drove up to the front-door, ready to convey them 
in safety to the village, they concluded to follow. 

I am informed on good authority, viz. by the man who 
drove the party away from Hillside, and who failed to re 
turn home till after daylight the following morning, that 
my indiscreet friends were not willing to go to their several 
boarding-places until they had disturbed with a serenade 
every available young lady in the village, and the inmates 
of the Female College in particular. They drove no less 
than eight times around the college grounds, and sung 
twenty-nine different songs, before they were satisfied that 
the thing was effectually done. They were all very hoarse 
the next day, and on the following Sabbath there was a 
preponderance of bass voices in two of the churches. 

As for myself, I was troubled, the ensuing day, simply 
with a headache, the result, I told Mrs. G-., of my partak 
ing, late in the evening, of raspberries and cream. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 109 




CHAPTER XIX. 

I join a Literary Society. Extra Meetings. Cymbals vs. Symbols. 
Impertinence of the Little Black Boy. My Singing. His Music. 
The X -jw Charter Oak. The Old Soldier s Wish. Mrs. G. is Jealous. 
Ina, of Lakelawn. How I came to write these Sketches. Shaking 
Hands. My Wicked Remark. 

HAVE lately joined a literary society in the vil 
lage. I was encouraged to do this by Mrs. Gray, 
who thought that thereby, some day or another, I 
might have an opportunity of redelivering my Fourth of 
July oration. I do not, however, intend that such an op 
portunity shall ever occur. I have not spoken thus decid 
edly to Mrs. Gray, in relation to this matter. I am willing 
that she should live in anticipation of such an event. If 
she thought I did not intend to distinguish myself, as she 
expects, I fear she would not consent to my going so often 
to the village of evenings as I now do. What with regular 
meetings and extra ones of the society, I manage to reach 
the village about three times a week. This is an agreeable 
episode to my Hillside life. Not that I am becoming weary 
of my home, although the baby does cry a good portion of 
each day and night, but simply because it gives me an op 
portunity of gaining much, useful information, and at the 
same time enables me to meet my bachelor friends. Some 
times, too, after I get to the village, I learn, much to my 
surprise, that the extra meeting, to which I was duly noti 
fied, will not take place. When I inquired of the secretary 
of the society who, by the by, happens to be my friend 
Frank how he came to send me notice of such meeting, 
thereby forcing me, as it were, away from the bosom of my 



110 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

affectionate family, he answered that it was " simply a mis 
take ; and besides," he added, " I wished to see you on par 
ticular business." 

What that " particular business " is, I am not at liberty 
to state. In fact, I do not even mention it to my wife. 
She considers it very odd, however, that the extra meetings 
should extend so much later into the night than the regular 
ones. I account to her for this in two ways. First, that 
the subjects introduced for discussion are of a more private 
character, and, consequently, require more deliberation ; 
and, secondly, that, as we are not limited to the fifteen min 
utes rule in speaking, which is strictly enforced at the reg 
ular meetings, the speakers are apt to be rather lengthy in 
their remarks. This explanation, I am happy to say, satis 
fies Mrs. Gray. I hope she will remain satisfied with it. 
I should not like to be questioned too closely as to our pro 
ceedings. One thing, however, Mrs. Gray insists on know 
ing, which is, why I take the little black boy with me to 
these extra meetings. For the reason, I tell her, that horse- 
thieves are prowling about the village, and I have him to 
sit in the buggy to keep watch during the society s meeting. 

For her part, she remarked, she should not consider the 
guard which he would be likely to keep as amounting to 
anything ; for if he should fall asleep, and it would be 
just like him to do so, any one might steal the horse out 
of the shafts, and ride off without the lad s dreaming of 
waking. 

" In that event, Mrs. G.," I said, " we would have the 
carriage left us." 

" I am not so certain of it, Mr. G.," replied my wife ; 
" for it would not be at all strange if the next robbers who 
came along should take a notion to the carriage, and, per 
haps, run away with it and the black boy besides." 

" If they should do this, my dear," I remarked, " I fully 
believe you would not object to losing the horse and buggy, 
for the sake of getting rid of the little black boy, since I 
believe you consider him a great pest. " 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. HI 

" If he would make less noise, Mr. Gray, and not be so 
continually waking up the baby whenever the nurse or 
myself get him to sleep, I should not think him a pest, and 
would even like to have him live at Hillside all his life ; for 
he is a smart lad, and does a great many chores ; but he 
makes a deal of disturbance, one way and another, in the 
house, which annoys me exceedingly. Moreover, he lately 
has taken to playing a pair of cymbals. To me, Mr. Gray, 
subject {fs I am to nervous headaches, it is an intolerable 
nuisance to hear them : in my opinion, they are symbols of 
unrest ; for the moment they are struck, I have to run im 
mediately to the baby." 

" Your remedy, my love," I replied, " is simple. You have 
only to strike the little black boy in return for his striking 
the cymbals, and the matter resolves itself into a nut-shell." 

" It is a nut-shell, Mr. G., which I do not care to strike. 
Where," continued Mrs. Gray, after a slight pause, " the 
little wretch could have gotten these brazen instruments, I 
cannot, for my life, imagine. He produced them for the 
first time, I noticed, the morning after you had taken him 
to one of the extra meetings of your literary society. When 
I asked him where he had found them, he replied that he 
found them over the left. For this impertinent speech I 
set him to scouring the knives and the steel forks the men 
use, and then I made him rub the brass andirons ; and after 
he had finished them, as if to provoke me, Mr. Gray, he, 
of his own accord, scoured up his abominable cymbals." 

" That was certainly too bad, my dear. I think," I added, 
" that he must have a good deal of brass in his compo 
sition." 

" But where," exclaimed Mrs. G., " do you imagine those 
cymbals came from ? " 

" Perhaps," I replied, " he purchased them of the tin 
pedler who was along here the other day." 

" But they are not tin, my dear ; they are brass : and 
besides, I never heard," said Mrs. Gray, " of a tin pedler, 



112 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

or any other description of pedler, carrying such articles 
about the country." 

" No, my dear," I replied, " nor I either." 

" Besides, Mr. G.," added my wife, " he neglects his work 
shamefully. He does n t even feed the young chickens, 
and the new red shows how little he is taken care of; 
and all because the little black boy, forsooth, is practising 
on the cymbals. He passes the greater part of each day 
in the barn, where he beats those pieces of brass together 
most fearfully. Have n t you ever heard him, Mr. Gray ? 
Why, it was only this morning that I really thought, my 
dear, I heard you singing, out there, while the little black 
boy beat the time." 

" Pshaw ! Mrs. G.," I said ; " you know I have no voice 
for singing. Why, when a boy, I could never whistle 
Yankee Doodle ; and I was dreadfully mortified, after I 
became a young man, at being turned out of the church 
choir in my native village, because I could n t sing Old 
Hundred. The fact is, my love, I don t belong to a musi 
cal family, though I have no hesitancy in claiming for it 
the title of a happy family. * 

"Very happily expressed; but have you never heard," 
persisted Mrs. Barry, " the sound of those cymbals ? " 

" It is possible, Abeline, that I have ; but, doubtless, I 
supposed the sound to proceed from the wind soughing 
through the pines." 

" If that is the case, Barry, I fear that you are getting 
deaf; for the two sounds are entirely dissimilar. 

" There," exclaimed Mrs. G., as a most barbarous noise 
broke on our ears, " there ; HOAV do you hear it ? " 

I confessed that I did. " But," I suggested, " may it not 
be three or four locomotives on the railroad, angrily whis 
tling ? " 

Mrs. Gray laughed contemptuously, and said, " No, no ! " 
and there the conversation ended ; for I, taking my hat and 
riding-whip, started for the barn and the little black boy. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 113 

What passed between the black youth and myself, when 
we met within the barn, it is not my purpose to relate. 
Enough that my readers should know that, since that time, 
the darkey beats his cymbals only on the extreme verge of 
the farm, one hundred acres distant, at least, from Mrs. 
Gray and the baby, and where, I understand, he keeps 
them in a hollow oak, which he chartered from me for that 
purpose The old soldier, who is still keeping the Fourth 
at Hillside, terms it the new charter oak " ; so that the 
country, he says, may not be without one, although the orig 
inal has fallen. The same old soldier is very anxious to 
obtain a staff from the old Charter Oak, to support his tot 
tering steps. He has, for a week past, constantly impor 
tuned me to write to some person at Hartford to send him 
a piece. When I informed the old veteran that I possessed 
no acquaintance in the place, he replied that then I had 
better write to the mayor and common council of the city, 
and he doubted not that, if his case was properly repre 
sented, they would accede to his wishes. I promised him 
I would mention the matter in my next Hillside Sketch ; 
and as this chances to be it, I feel that I can do no less 
than fulfil my promise. I trust that some one, I don t 
know who, that has lived within sight of the old oak, will 
forward him what he so much desires. To use the words 
of the crippled veteran, " I wish no better tombstone to 
mark my grave," he said to me one evening, as he sat 
smoking his pipe under the apple-tree back of the house, 
" than such a staff would be, thrust into the earth above my 
breast ; nor a more decent winding-sheet than the old and 
tattered flag would prove." 

I think Mrs. Gray is jealous : jealous, too, of some one 
whom I doubt whether she or I have ever seen, of one 
who, judging from what she writes, is even now passing to 
the spirit-land. Young, and doubtless fair, she is, but fad 
ing like a broken lily. I try to impress this sorrowful fact 
on Mrs. Gray, but to little purpose. Sometimes I think I 



114 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

have succeeded, for, while I speak, tears dim the bright 
ness of my wife s dark eyes ; but the next moment they are 
unclouded and I hear her say, " No, no, Barry, it won t do. 
I cannot submit to having even an invalid young lady 
speak of you as Dear Mr. Barry Gray, and longing to 
grasp you by the hand. If Miss Ina, of Lakelawn, would 
confine her attentions to your bachelor friends, I should not 
mind it one bit ; but I protest against her making love to 
you. And it all arises, Mr. Gray, from the fact that I was 
rash enough to give my consent to your publishing these 
foolish Sketches ; but you coaxed me so persistently, Mr. 
G., and declared so decidedly that they were in you and 
would come out, that I could not avoid saying yes to your 
entreaties ; and now I see the result. I might have known 
it ; but I was blind, Mr. Gray, blind. Did n t you win 
me to be your wife, Mr. G., with your pretty stories, and the 
sentimental rhymes you addressed me? And are other 
ladies less susceptible than I ? " 

" But, my dear," I remarked, " you are laboring under a 
mistake. Miss Ina is not in love with me ; she only de 
sires to grasp my hand, and also the hands of my bachelor 
friends. So far as I have heard from my friends since her 
note was published, they, to a man, are anxious to accom 
modate her, if she will only let them know where to find 
her. My tall friend P. said he d ride the pony fifty miles 
for the sake of meeting her." 

" Is there any one, Mr. G., any young lady, I mean, 
whom they would object to grasping by the hand ? Did n t 
they, on Commencement Day at the Female College, go 
through the entire building shaking hands with each young 
lady within the walls ? " 

I told Mrs. Gray I was not aware whether they did or 
did not. 

" But I know, Mr. G.," she said ; " and if they grasped 
the young ladies hands with as much cordiality as they do 
mine when they visit Hillside, why, all I can say is, that I 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 115 

should be sorry to have a daughter of ours educated in 
that institution, at least if your bachelor friends visit it 
often." 

" "Well, my love, it will be time enough," I wickedly re 
marked, " to speak of that when we get a little daughter. 
Perhaps before that period arrives my bachelor friends 
may all be married and have little daughters of their own. 
At present, you know, we have only a little boy ; but when 
a daughter comes " 

There, Mr. Gray, that will do," interrupted my wife ; 
" I think I hear the baby crying : now be a good husband, 
and go rock his cradle ; for you know, love, the nurse is 
gone to the village." 

So I kissed my estimable wife and went up-stairs to the 
nursery ; but the baby was sleeping peacefully, and I do not 
think had thought of crying. I took a book, therefore, and, 
seated beside him, sought to read, but I could not ; for 
somehow what Mrs. Gray had said of the way my bachelor 
friends shake hands was foolishly occupying my mind. I 
don t think it a good plan for married ladies to shake hands 
with bachelors. Strange I never thought of this before ; 
but well, well ! the next time those old bachelors come 
to Hillside I ll watch them closely; and after that visit, 
maybe, I won t ask them to come again. 



116 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER XX. 

The Baby wakes. At Breakfast. Life s Sweets. The Troubadours. 
Two Little Black Boys with Cymbals. Mrs. G. s Promise. A Prisoner. 
Hints to my Bachelor Friends. 

CURING the past few days I noticed that Mrs. Gray 
had that on her mind which, apparently, she de 
sired to communicate to me. For reasons of 
my own, I avoided giving Mrs. G. an opportunity of so 
doing. She essayed to speak of it, however, the other 
night, after the light was extinguished, and proceeded as 
far as to utter these ominous words, " Mr. Gray, I am 
astonished," when, fortunately for me, the baby, who sleeps 
in his cradle within arm s-length of my side of the bed, 
commenced crying. 

I could not imagine what caused " our baby " to cry just 
at that moment ; for, to all appearances, only a minute be 
fore he was sleeping most soundly. Mrs. G. wondered at 
it, and asked me, in an accusative tone of voice, whether I 
had touched him. Of course I was indignant at her ques 
tion, and would make no reply. Afterwards I said, how 
ever, that I thought a mosquito must have bitten him, as I 
had heard the sinking of one. It was some time before 

o o 

the child became quiet : when he did. I am happy to state 
that, to all intents and purposes, I was soundly asleep. I 
know that I was soundly asleep, from the fact that my esti 
mable wife asserts that she spoke to me no less than six 
distinct times without eliciting a word in reply. 

One can t always sleep soundly, however ; and the next 
morning, at breakfast, Mrs. Gray recommenced the attack 
in this wise : " Mr. Gray, I am astonished that a man of 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 117 

your age," I involuntarily thought of the few gray hairs 
which, prematurely I am certain, appeared in my whiskers, 
"a husband, too, and a father," Mrs. G. lays great 
stress on the fact of my being a father, " should allow 
himself to be led astray by a set of incorrigible bachelors 
from the path of rectitude, as, I have good authority for 
saying it, I understand you have been." 

While Mrs. Gray was speaking, I resolved in my " heart 
of hearts " to give the little black boy a beating. When 
she concluded, " My dear," I said, reaching towards her my 
cup, " I will thank you ; for a little more sugar in my coffee. 
Life s sweets, Mrs. Gray," I added, after a trifling pause, 
" are not found always in one spot : the bee, although his 
home may be in the midst of a beautiful garden, and 
though honeysuckles and jessamines may wreath them 
selves over the hive he inhabits, will yet wander far 
away in search of foreign sweets, and when he returns 
home, will bring with him, gathered perhaps from some 
despised and neglected bachelor s button, uprising by the 
roadside, as pure and sweet a drop of honey as any in the 
hive : and thus, my dear, is it with man ; though he may 
possess the greatest joys and delights of life, in and around 
his home, yet for all this loving home none the less 
he likes sometimes to wander from the Eden in which he 
dwells, out into the great and busy world, where, among his 
bachelor companions, he will be enriched with many a 
bright fancy and kindly thought, to take back with him to 
gladden and adorn his home." 

O 

All that is very well, Mr. Gray," said my wife, pro 
vided he walks out in the broad sunshine, and don t seek 
those bright fancies by starlight." 

" Well, well, my love," I exclaimed, " I dare say you are 
right ; and, as the poet says, the rainbow of 

; Never mind, Mr. G., what the poet says," interrupted 
my wife ; " I am not to be put off in that way. See here 
what the newspapers say about you." And, raising the 



118 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

salver in front of her, she drew from beneath it a copy of 
the " Star-Spangled Banner," opening which, she read from 
its columns the following article. 

THE TROUBADOURS. 

" "We congratulate the young ladies of our village that 
there exists in our midst a company of amateur musicians 
known as the Troubadours. To these choice spirits our 
fair ladies are indebted for the many delightful serenades 
which, of late, have called them from their soft couches 
and sweet slumbers, to listen to music (both instrumental 
and vocal) such as it seldom before has been their lot to 
hear. 

" Of course the names of the parties engaged in this dis 
tribution of sweet sounds, it would hardly be the fair thing 
in us to divulge. We feel, however, that, without mention 
ing names, we may be permitted to allude complimentarily 
to two or three of the band. We consider the low notes 
of the short gentleman who sings bass to be very low in 
deed ; while the high notes of the tall gentleman who sings 
the air, we consider to be very high. We may be incorrect 
in both of these criticisms, but we think not. The execu 
tion of the young gentleman who performs on the French 
horn strikes us as being very favorable ; while the little 
black boy [here Mrs. Gray read very slowly] who throws 
himself on the cymbals is inimitable, besides producing 
music slightly deafening in its character. We should really 
like on some stormy night if the little black boy could 
make it convenient to receive a serenade solely from 
him. 

" With the exception of one gentleman, who resides a 
short distance out of the village, the Troubadours are 
bachelors. More than this, we understand that they are 
looking for wives : not other men s wives, but wives for 
themselves. This is as it should be. Girls set your (night) 
caps for them." 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 119 

When Mrs. Gray had finished reading this scandalous 
article, she handed to me the paper, and asked if I could 
give her any explanation of what was therein set forth. 

I replied that I could not ; and added, I considered it 
very singular that there existed another little black boy 
than ours, who possessed a pair of cymbals. I had not 
failed, however, to notice, I remarked, that the negro race 
was partial to noise, and that undoubtedly it was a common 
occurrence for little black boys to own cymbals. 

Mrs. Gray thought otherwise, and wished to know who I 
imagined the married man was, spoken of in the news 
paper. 

I told her it was impossible for me to say, for my ac 
quaintance with married men was very limited ; and further, 
that I knew of only two persons who would be likely to 
unite in any such " tomfoolery," and even with these, there 
were prudential reasons which I should think would deter 
them from pursuing such a course. 

Mrs. Gray hoped I would name these persons to her. 
She would like to know on whom my suspicions rested. She 
trusted they were none of her acquaintances. If she would 
not mention the matter, I said, to the parties themselves, I 
would reveal their names. She promised never to say a 
word to either of them regarding it. So I told her that I 
thought our parson the likeliest man to engage in such an 
affair, and after him a gentleman named Barry Gray. 

"As regards our good clergyman, Mr. G., I do not 
believe it possible ; but for yourself, I fear it is only too 
probable. Yes, Mr. Gray, I have no doubt but you are the 
married man referred to in the Star-Spangled Banner, 
and I must say that I consider the whole proceedings most 
shameful ; and if it were not for that sweet little baby, I d 
write immediately to my mother to take me home, and " 

" Mrs. Gray," I interposed, " you promised if I would tell 
you whom I considered the two likeliest persons to engage 
in such proceedings, that you would never mention the 



120 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

matter to either of them. I now claim the fulfilment of 
your promise." 

This, Mrs. G. said, was adding insult to injury ; but, in 
asmuch as she had promised, why well she struggled 
hard to keep back a smile that would come, however, and 
which, when I perceived it, caused me to rise from my 
seat, and to walk round to where my wife sat, and to place 
my arms about her neck, and to kiss her on the lips held 
up for that purpose. 

But I shall not attend any more extra meetings of our 
literary society. The little black boy s occupation, too, is 
gone. While the general impression among the Trouba 
dours will be that Mrs. Gray has discovered the affair. 
None of them, either, will dare to come near Hillside for 
the next month, unless they should ride up on horseback, 
under the especial protection of some amiable young lady. 
It would be safer, too, if the young lady were a member in 
good standing of the same sewing society to which Mrs. G. 
belongs. It woiild also be well to send me a note through 

o o 

the post-office, specifying the hour of the intended visit, so 
that Mrs. G. and the baby might be in proper " trim " to 
receive them. Mrs. G. does not " admire " being taken by 
surprise. With these few preparations, any one of my 
bachelor friends might venture, without much risk, to give 
me a short call. It is n t a very pleasant thing to be a close 
prisoner, even on one s own estate ; and the face of a friend 
seen now and then is cheering to the heart. I do hope 
that some of them will visit me, that I may know what 
the news is in the political, literary, and musical portion of 
the world contained in " our village." 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 121 




CHAPTER XXL 

Green Corn Pudding. Xantucket Fashion. Neighbor Pound. Eggs. 
The losf Dinner. Hungry New-Yorkers. Tempest in the Kitchen. 

THINK, my dear," I said to Mrs. Gray, one fine 
morning, as we walked down the lane leading past 
the cornfield, " that it would be a good plan to 
have a corn-pudding for tea." 

" A corn-pudding ! " she exclaimed. 

" Yes, a corn-pudding," I answered. " Perhaps you do 
not know what a corn-pudding is ? " 

" Well," she replied, " perhaps I do not ; but I know what 
a johnny-cake is, and a bannock, and corn-bread, and mush, 
and hominy, and an Indian pudding. Now, if it be neither 
of these, I must confess my ignorance." 

" You are, then, most certainly, my dear," I answered, 
" in a most benighted state of ignorance, and in this in 
stance ignorance is far from being bliss ; and, furthermore, 
it is not folly to be wise. Allow me to say a few words 
about corn-pudding, green corn-pudding, my dear, and 
you will then perceive your total ignorance of the matter. 
Many persons, my dear," I went on to say, seating myself 
on the top rail of the fence, and looking admiringly across 
the field of waving corn, with its sword-like leaves, its tufts 
of silvery silk, its upright ears, and tasselled tops, " most 
estimable persons, too, know nothing about corn-puddings. 
There be thousands, doubtless, down in the village, who have 
never eaten of it. It is a satisfaction, however, to me, to 
know that I am not of that number. My knowledge of 
corn-puddings dates from infancy. When my great-grand 
father removed from the island of Nantucket to the main- 



122 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

land, and built one of the first dwelling-houses in the city, 
now known as Hudson, but which was then, in 1783, called 
Claverack Landing, Claverack is, I believe, the Dutch 
for Clover-reach, he carried with him the knowledge 
which enabled him or rather the women-folks of the 
family to concoct corn-puddings. This was the best 
thing, I think, that he took away with him from Nantucket. 
The filthy lucre which he had amassed there in the whale- 
fishery business, I count as dross. Succotash, however, 
is not a bad dish, and my esteemed grandmother may 
Heaven rest her soul ! " here my wife piously crossed her 
self " knew how to make that in perfection. She also knew 
how to prepare codfish chowder and make pumpkin-pies. 

" But I find myself wandering slightly from the subject." 
My wife said she thought I was, but added it was excus 
able. " Some persons," I continued, not heeding her inter 
ruption, " especially those who are of Nantucket birth, 
believe that corn-puddings can be made nowhere in per 
fection except on the island. Harry Franco, my dear, 
an out-and-out Nantucketer, having the blood of the Coffins, 
and Mitchells, and Macys, and ever so many others of the 
people of the island in his veins, and who, you may recol 
lect, wrote that curious poem about sheep-shearing, in 
which the refrain 

" T is tu I can t, and tu I can, 
All the way from Shearing Pen " 

occurs," Mrs. Gray shook her head dubiously, " he, I 
say, good authority in these matters, so thought, until 
one day in my bachelorhood, I asked him to partake at my 
rooms of a corn-pudding. He replied, in his usual cynical 
manner, that he would go, but that he did not believe I would 
be able to give him any corn-pudding. He had not, he said, 
eaten any worthy of being so called since he had left Nan 
tucket, (which, according to my computation, must have been 
at least fifty years ago, if not longer,) and he had no faith in 
those of foreign make. When I told him, however, that I 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 123 

inherited the gift of making them from my grandfather, and 
the recipe from my grandmother, and, moreover, that I made 
them myself," here Mrs. Gray looked up at me inquir 
ingly, from her seat on the mossy stump below me. 
" Yes," I said, answering her interrogatory look, " I make 
them, my clear." " Oh ! " she cried, " he said that he would 
try and have faith, but that, after all, the proof of the pud 
ding was in the eating. Well, to make a long story short, 
I am happy to say that he was entirely satisfied with the 
dish I placed before him, and acknowledged the Xantucket 
skill evinced in its concoction. In the fulness of his ap 
petite, however, he made a rash vow, which was, that if we 
both lived till chowder-time, he would invite me to his 
house to partake of a genuine codfish chowder, such as 
only Nantucketers or their descendants can make. Many 
chowder-times, my dear, have come and gone since then, 
but not an invitation have I received to such a feast ; and 
as Harry Franco as well as myself is getting quite 
gray, and the years are stealing upon him, I fear I may 
never taste a spoonful of his chowder." 

Mrs. Gray here said that it would be a pity if it should 
so turn out. " But have you nothing further to tell me." 
she continued, " about corn-puddings ? " 

" I have," I answered ; " and as many other persons be 
sides H. Franco may like to eat of corn-puddings, and 
as I know you will be likely to circulate the account through 
the sewing circle," here Mrs. Gray looked vexed, "I 
will give you the recipe for making this truly delectable 
dish, which is of Indian origin, improved upon by the Quak 
ers, and which, when eaten, should constitute the sole 
repast of what is known in Nantucket under the name of 
1 tea. 

" Take four dozen full ears of sweet green corn," here 
I got off the fence, and began to pluck the ears, " score 
the kernels, and cut them from the cob. Scrape off what 
remains on the cob with a knife. Pound the corn cut off 



124 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

in a mortar. Add a pint and a half, or one quart of milk, 
according to the youngness and juiciness of the corn. Add 
four eggs well beaten, a half tea-cup of flour, a half tea-cup 
of butter, a table-spoonful of sugar, and salt quantum sufficit. 
Bake in a well-greased earthen dish, in a hot oven, two 
hours. Place it on the table browned and smoking hot, 
eat it with plenty of fresh butter, and be thankful." 

Having by this time picked the necessary number of 
ears, I gave Mrs. Gray to understand that we would go 
home, and that I would immediately proceed to make the 
pudding, which, much to the indignation of the cook, and 
the intense delight of the black boy, I did. My wife, when 
we came to eat it, declared it was equal to anything of 
which she had ever partaken, and declared that if I would 
only go to New York and open a corn-pudding shop, I 
might make my fortune. 

We have neighbors near Hillside. Everybody. I suppose, 
has neighbors. They are not, however, all alike. Some 
are good Samaritans, such we love ; others are simply 
nuisances, and try one s temper exceedingly. Of all annoy 
ances, a borrowing neighbor is the greatest. We have such 
an one near Hillside. He stands ready to borrow anything, 
from a span of horses down to a carpet-tack. Nothing, in 
fact, comes amiss. There is never a day passes but neigh 
bor Pound wishes the loan of a portion of our personal 
property. It would not surprise me if some day he should 
ask for a part of the real estate, a bit of ground off the 
northwest corner of the farm, or the well, or the gravel- 
pit, or almost anything. 

He is constantly borrowing eggs, in the height of the 
egg season, and when they are scarce. Pie got so at one 
time that he borrowed them directly from under the hens ; 
and finally he borrowed the hens, and that without men 
tioning the circumstance to me. The only way I stopped 
this, was by shutting up the hens and locking the hennery 
door. If he had not kept hens himself, which would come 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 125 

into the garden and scratch up all my wife s choice flower- 
seeds, I would willingly have lent him all the eggs he could 
have eaten ; but he wanted his own eggs, so he informed me, 
to s.ell. He was n t so well to do in the world, he said, as 
was I, and besides, an egg now and then would n t be missed 
by me. I think, too, that he used to sell my eggs ; for one 
day a market-man informed me, quite confidentially, that my 
neighbor Pound did n t bring nearly as many eggs to town 
then as* he did formerly. After which remark the dealer 
in eggs winked and laughed. A bad feature in my neigh 
bor s case is, that he invariably forgets to return the articles 
he borrows. This greatly aggravates me. One reason why 
I keep the black boy is, that I may have somebody at hand 
to run for borrowed property when it is wanted. 

Once he, or his wife, t is all the same, borrowed our 
entire dinner, from the roasted turkey down to the currant- 
jelly. Mrs. Gray and myself had just seated ourselves at 
the table and I had asked a blessing, when in rushed 
neighbor Pound s wife : " Such an unfortunate woman as I 

O 

am, Mrs. Gray ! " she exclaimed. " Here now, I ve visitors 
come, relatives of Mr. Pound s, from the city. Of course 
they re most starved, people from the city always are, 
when they get into the country, and we ve not a morsel 
of meat in the house to give them. Here now, I said to 
Pound, when he asked what in the world we would do ? 
( here now, I 11 go right over to Gray s, and ten to one I can 
borrow their dinner. " As she said that, I thrust the carv 
ing-fork into the turkey. "I remembered of seeing this 
black boy, here now, killing a turkey early this morning, 
and I knew what kind people you were, and that if I could 
only get over here before you began eating, why you d 
accommodate me. So that s what I came for ; and, here 
now, I am." 

As she saw me place the point of the knife close under 
one wing of the doomed bird. " Oh, Mr. Gray," she ex 
claimed, " don t carve it ; " then turning to my wife, " could 



126 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

we, would we, spare our dinner for that clay ; only think, 
visitors, New-Yorkers," as if New-Yorkers were of 
more consequence than Hillsiders ; " and nothing decent 
in the world to offer them ; here now, do lend it to me." 
The woman really cried as she gazed on our well-spread 
table ; she would, I have no doubt, have gone down on her 
knees, had not my estimable wife, overflowing with pity and 
kindness, granted her request. 

Mrs. Pound did n t wait for another word. Pier basket 
was ready, our dinner quickly disappeared within its capa 
cious mouth, and the next moment it was borne trium 
phantly away. 

After it was gone, Mrs. Gray wept with vexation ; the 
cook fairly raved, slashing things about in the kitchen at an 
awful rate, and declared to the black boy that she would 
leave her place if she was obliged to cook for the neigh 
bors. The black boy nearly sprained his wrist stoning 
" old Pound s fowls " out of the garden. For myself, I 
endeavored to find consolation in mixing and imbibing a 

o o 

strictly private beverage, in the library. In thinking over 
the matter, I must say that I deeply regretted having per 
formed the little devotional act over that turkey, when we 
sat down to the table, which I did. 

I seldom meet Pound now without thinking of that lost 
dinner ; for, of course, it never came back in any form 
whatsoever. He looks to me, always, as though he yet had 
that dinner somewhere under his waistcoat. I have no 
doubt but that he grew fat on it. I believe, too, that his 
dogs did ; for I noticed him, the next day, feeding them 
with turkey-bones ; and if anything is good to fatten dogs 
on, it is turkey-bones. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 127 




CHAPTER XXIL 

Neighbor Pound s Daughter borrows " our Baby." The Chase. The 
llescue. Triumphal Return Home. Our Fountain. My Fish 
pond, -j- Hydraulic Earns aiid Sheep. 

THOUGHT, when my neighbor Pound borrowed 
our dinner, that, as regarded cool assurance, noth 
ing could go beyond it. But this morning I found 
out my mistake. During a temporary absence of Mrs. 
Gray from the nursery, which, with the baby, was left in 
charge of the maid, who has been with us but a few days, 
Mrs. Pound s eldest daughter, a young lady on the shady 
side of thirty, called, and, without ringing the door-bell, 
such kind neighbors are not apt to be formal, proceeded 
direct to the nursery, where she found the new maid, Avhom 
she told that her mother had sent her over to borrow the 
baby for a little while. Then, without another word, she 
plucked my young son from his cradle, where he was peace 
fully sleeping, and before the nurse could interfere, had 
passed out of the house. 

I was engaged writing in the library at the time, and my 
attention was only called to the occurrence by beholding 
Mrs. G., apparently half distracted, darting, bonnetless and 
shawlless, across the lawn, as if in pursuit of her shadow. 
The next moment she passed through the great gate, 
leaving it wide open behind her, so that stray cows and 
pigs could enter the garden to destroy it, and disappeared 
down the public highway. "WTiile I wondered what it all 
meant, I heard a " hubbub " in the kitchen, and presently 
the cook issued forth after Mrs. G., armed with a broom 
stick ; the nursery-maid followed close behind, weeping 



128 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

and wringing her hands ; and over in the orchard (where 
he passes a great deal of time since the apples ripened) I 
heard the black boy whistling for Watch. 

The affair, I now thought, had become quite enough 
complicated for me to investigate. As I threw up the win 
dow and stepped out on the side piazza, I perceived, far 
down the road, Pound fille, streaking it along towards her 
house at a two-forty gait, with (it was impossible for me 
to be mistaken, even with my short-sightedness) our baby 
in her arms. Mrs. Gray was behind her but a few rods, 
and travelled, I thought, at a little faster rate. Had the 
course been say the sixteenth of a mile longer, Mrs. G. 
I would have been willing to wager any amount would 
have won the race. Every moment the affair, to a simple 
looker-on, grew more exciting especially after the cook, 
nursery-maid, little black boy, and Watch, made their ap 
pearance. The old soldier was confined to his room with 
" the rheumatics," or else he would have hobbled after. 

I am sorry to say that Mrs. Gray and party were beaten ; 
for Miss Elmira Pound not only reached her own home 
ahead of Mrs. G., but, most provoking of all, seated her 
self at an open window, where she danced little baby up 
and down directly before the eyes of his disconsolate 
mother, approaching the house. 

Of course, Mrs. G. did n t, on this occasion, stop for cer 
emony ; and, not waiting to ring the bell, walked firmly 
into the house, and without speaking a word, the fact is, 
she was too tired to utter a syllable, took immediate and 
unresisted possession of " our baby," and, retreating in 
stantly, marched, with flying colors, I refer to the ribbons 
on her morning cap, which fluttered gayly in the breeze, 
escorted by the entire company, back to Hillside. 

I met the party at the great gate. The meeting between 
Mrs. Gray and myself was truly affecting : she placed the 
baby in my arms, and, half weeping, half laughing, clung 
about my neck, she must have been very weary, I 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 129 

think, while she asked me if I would n t arrest all the 
members of the Pound family for stealing our baby. After 
Mrs. G. had somewhat rested, and had refreshed herself 
with a glass of water, which the little black boy brought 
from the well, we moved up the gravel walk, and entered 
the house. 

In regard to Pound file s case, all I feel at liberty to say 
at present is, that she had better not venture to visit the 
domicile on Hillside, for some time to come, without bring 
ing with her three or four of her father s dogs for her pro 
tection. 

One*more incident in which my neighbor figures. I had 
been trying various experiments with hydraulic machines. 
Mrs. Gray desired a fountain on the lawn. She thought it 
would improve the appearance of the place greatly. " Arti 
ficial fountains and stumps, my dear," I said, " do not seem 
exactly suited to each other." Thereupon Mrs. Gray made 
an observation concerning a savage and enlightened state, 
which, as I did not properly understand at the time, is my 
excuse for not more fully dwelling on at this moment. 

At all events, more to please Mrs. G. than myself, I built 
a fountain. Of course, it proved a failure, artificial foun 
tains always fail, and our fountain turned out to be simply 
a syringe in disguise. The little black boy, one evening 
when we had company, got up an opposition fountain with 
a hollow piece of alder a foot long, and a string wound 
about a stick for the piston, the performance of which, 
under his direction, quite threw into the shade its more pre 
tentious rival. Since that eventful night, we have taken 
little care of our unfortunate fountain, and, as a natural 
result, it passed into the hands of the little black boy, who 
has suffered it to go to decay. 

I seldom behold that fountain now, without wishing to 

call my wife s attention to it, terming it " Mrs. Gray s folly " ; 

but I am withheld from doing so by the remembrance of a 

little folly of my own, which, just about that time, I perpe- 

9 



130 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

trated, with a like amount of success as attended the foim- 
tain business. In short, I wished a fish-pond close by the 
house, where it would be convenient for me to cast my line 
before breakfast. To accomplish this, I purchased a hy 
draulic ram, and went to considerable expense in the mat 
ter. The whole concern, however, turned out badly. My 
fish-pond, somehow, would n t hold water. It allowed it to 
run out nearly as fast as the hydraulic engine poured it in. 
I sometimes fancied that the bottom of the pond was a 
great sieve. Then, too, the hydraulic ram failed to work 
well. It got choked up with green apples, which Tomothy 
thrust into the fountain end to see if they would come out 
at the other. 

Provoked, at length, beyond endurance at my ill luck, I 
gave the whole thing up, and have ever since been con 
tented to catch my fish from the small trout-stream which 
runs through my meadow at the foot of the hill, and to 
gaze, with Mrs. Gray, at such fountains as it pleases God 
to give us in the shape of mountain torrents and roaring 
brooks. 

But I came near forgetting my neighbor Pound. One 
day during the height of my hydraulic excitement he 
called on me to borrow some article, when I chanced to ask 
him if he had any hydraulic rams on his farm. 

" Not a blasted ram," he replied. " Why, here now, Gray," 

the " here now," I believe, is peculiar to the whole family, 

" those rams and sheep for they re all the same are 
just the tarnelest critters for going over fences that ever 
was ; and you can t keep them, either, even if you build an 
eight-railed fence, staked and ridered all around ; because, 
here now, my dogs would kill more of your dratted rams 
and sheep in one night than you could buy in a week, sarch 
Alleghany county clean through ; and then I d like to know 
who d want to pay for your mutton. So, here now, Gray, 
I give you fair warning that, if you should stock your whole 
place with rams and sheep, I won t pay a single copper for 
any my dogs kill." 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 131 

I assured Pound that I had not the remotest idea of 
stocking my place with sheep, or any kind of horned cattle 
that would be likely to break down fences and stray away ; 
that, for my part, I had as much as I could do to keep my 
fowls at home, and prevent them from trespassing on my 
neighbor s grounds ; and that I should be rather " scary " 
how I ventured to invest my dollars in such nimble-footed 
animals as sheep, especially while he lived near, and kept 
such a race of curs about him. 

I think my neighbor took a slight offence at what I said ; 
for he immediately got off of the saw-buck on which he was 
sitting, and said he guessed as how he d better be jogging 
along : and more than this, he did not come near Hillside 
for three clays thereafter. 



132 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER XXIII. 

My Parole. Studying Chinese. Weeding Carrots. My Cousin s Father 
" Our Lizzie." 

is nearly two weeks since I was in the village. I 
may as well confess for all my bachelor friends 
have guessed it that I am on my parole d hon- 
neur not to venture within the corporate limits of the vil 
lage, for yet two weeks to come. I wish it understood, 
however, that I made such a promise to Mrs. Gray of my 
own free will. I am sorry, now, that I did ; but Mrs. G. 
has lived up to the promise she made, and I will to mine. 
Of course, my time is not all occupied with the business of 
the farm. I have many leisure hours on my hands. For 
merly, those hours were passed in the company of my bach 
elor friends, within the village ; now I devote them to read 
ing, writing, and studying. I am reading up my classics ; 
I am pursuing with renewed vigor the study of Hebrew, 
which, of late, I have greatly neglected ; I am, also, to a 
limited extent, puzzling my brain over the Chinese lan 
guage. It is, I find, a very difficult language to speak. I 
am not certain that my pronunciation of it is altogether 
correct. The little black boy, however, who, with the ex 
ception of the baby, is the only person that has heard me, 
thinks it is very good Chinese. In acquiring it, I labor 
under several disadvantages : the chief one is the lack of 
books. I am learning it solely from off a lot of old tea- 
chests which I fortunately discovered, one rainy day, stored 
out of the way in the garret. Mrs. Gray, I am sorry to 
state, does not in the slightest degree encourage me to pur 
sue it. She says it will only be labor thrown away. She 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 133 

suggested to me that, in lieu of studying it this afternoon, 
I should address to our baby some lines, founded on the 
attempt made by Miss Pound to steal our infant, which 
would please her ; or else write a short sermon on the text, 
" He was lost and is found," based on the same occurrence, 
and send it to my grandmother. 

I said " Xo ! " to both of these propositions of my wife s, 
and added that I wished to write one of my Hillside 
Sketches. She replied I had better cease writing any more 
of those silly articles ; that half of them were not true, and 
the otjjer tyilf simply scandalous ; and that, instead of spend 
ing my time in that way, I had much better be out in the 
fields weeding carrots. 

I answered that I had enough weeding carrots when I 
was a very young man, and went courting a cousin of mine 
who resided on a farm. Her father foolish man that he 
was somehow did n t fancy me, so he used to get me to 
go down into the field with his boys to weed carrots. I 
was no fonder of weeding carrots then, Mrs. Gray, than I 
am now ; and though I liked courting my cousin well 
enough, I was not, I confess, partial to the carrot business. 
And so, to make a long story short, Mrs. G., that was the 
course my cousin s father took to break off any little matri 
monial engagement which, perhaps, existed between us, 
and (for stooping over in the hot sun made my back ache 
abominably) he succeeded. 

" Did your cousin, Mr. Gray, ever marry ? " asked my 
wife, somewhat anxiously, I thought. 

" Certainly, my dear," I replied ; " and she has long been 
a happy mother. Her eldest son she is blest with two, 
besides one daughter is named after me, and possesses a 
silver cup presented by me as his godfather." 

" Which is more, Mr. G.," said my wife, somewhat ex 
cited, " than you have done for your own son." 

" That little affair, my dear," I replied, " rests entirely 
with our boy s godfather and not with me." 



134 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

Thereupon followed a discussion between Mrs. G. and 
myself relative to the child s baptism, which, as it was 
purely of a private character, I will not here repeat. 

After a while, when I thought Mrs. Gray was so ab 
sorbed in her needlework as to have forgotten all about my 
cousin and the carrots, she quite surprised me by hastily 
asking what was the character of my cousin s husband. 

I answered, " I cannot positively say, but her father one 
day informed me I remember we had been drinking ale 
that day together at dinner, his voice pendulating some 
where twixt joy and grief that Mr. Jones was no more 
partial to weeding carrots than I." 

" "Which meant, Mr. Gray, I suppose," chimed in my wife, 
" that he was a lazy man ! " 

" I do not know, my dear, what it meant," I replied ; " but 
let me tell you that it is very hard work to weed carrots. 
And now, my love," I added, let us go into the orchard and 
gather some apples." And we went. 

When we reached the orchard, Mrs. Gray asked me what 
number of female cousins I possessed ? 

" They are countless," I answered, " as the leaves in 
Vallambrosa ! " 

" Where, under the sun, Mr. G.," asked my wife, " is Val 
lambrosa ? " 

" In the sunny South," I replied, &lt;: and it is a country of 
which the poets love to speak." 

" Do your cousins, my dear," asked Mrs. G., " reside 
there?" 

" No ! " I answered ; " some are nearer home ; others are 
in Utopia ; and there are still others whose mortal remains 
are in Greenwood, but whose souls are, I trust, in man 
sions not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. Come, 
my dear," I continued, as we reached the shade of a ven 
erable apple-tree, evidently the patriarch of the orchard, 
" come, let us sit upon the ground and tell sad stories of 
the death of kings. " 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 135 

" No, my dear," she replied, " better sit on this large, flat 
stone, and tell me of your cousins in Greenwood." 

u Well, as you please," I answered, " t is nearly the same 
thing, kings or cousins, for, if beauty and worth are 
emblematic of royalty, and should meet with due reward, 
my cousins Avould all have been crowned queens." 

Mrs. Gray smiled a sad, sweet smile, and I continued : 
" You may have observed, my love, during our wedded life, 
that I often express great partiality for my cousins, es 
pecially such as are of the gentler sex. I love those who 
are li^jng ; I love those who are dead; and of these last, 
the most precious of them all, perhaps, though it is hard to 
say who is the most precious of the well-beloved dead, 
is one who rests in Greenwood, and on whose tombstone 
you will find simply these words, Our Lizzie, and t is all- 
sufficient : we who knew her ask for nothing more, name, 
date, and words of praise are alike unnecessary, all these 
are inscribed on our hearts ; while to the mere stranger 
these two words will touch a chord in his heart, and make 
a pulse vibrate to a hidden memory, which a score of 
graven sentences would have failed to awaken. 

" A wife she was, too, a wife of barely six short 
months. In May, just six years gone, her bridal was ; but 
ere the autumn fled, with the last flowers of the season, 
she perished. She did not, like flowers that die upon the 
stalk, wither day by day, but as one plucked will droop and 
fade within the circlet of an hour, so she, so full of life 
and love and joy, one hour, was, in the next, all cold and 
still and dead. 

" Struck down by the grim destroyer, almost in an in 
stant, ere her fond husband could reach her side, her pure 
spirit, loosed from its mortality, winged its rejoicing way to 
paradise. The husband so joyous before from that 
day was seldom known to smile. Mourning and broken 
hearted, he went through life, performing faithfully and 
well the duties required of him as a man and a Christian. 



136 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

Such was his life ; xmtil one day, a year ago, God sum 
moned him to lay aside his earthly tabernacle, and, thank 
fully obeying, he passed from earth, hoping to meet her 
who was so dear to him in life. And then that which re 
mained of him was laid gently down by her side in Green 
wood, there to sleep till those who die in Christ shall rise." 

I looked at Mrs. Gray and found her weeping. I took 
her hand and said such occurrences were common to our 
race; they were every day happening about us. Such 
events we were all likely soon to meet. 

" They are none the less touching and sorrowful to think 
of," she replied, " for all that." 

" True, my love, none the less," I answered ; " then let 
us strive to meet with fortitude the fortitude that only 
the Bible can yield us that day when the separation 
shall come, and which even the most loving hearts must 
know. But see," I continued, " how the long shadows go 
creeping through the aisles of the orchard. The dew, too, 
is falling, and it is time for us to enter the house and take 
a look at baby." 

Since we came in, the lamps have been lighted ; the tea 
partaken of; the baby placed in his cradle for the night ; 
the little black boy severely reprimanded for feeding 
several of the cows on ears of "hot, hot corn, piping 
hot," which he stole from the kettle where they were boil 
ing for the men s supper ; the cook fully posted in regard 
to the morrow s breakfast; Mrs. Gray has been engaged 
in reading a new novel, and I have been allowed to write 
this Hillside Sketch. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 137 




CHAPTER XXIV. 

The Caravan. Wide Awake. Miss Smith. An Uncomfortable House 
hold. Another Visitor. 

( RS. GRAY and myself have not yet been on our 
picnic for the reason that we have been troubled 
with company. The company came the very day 
we had " fixed on " for our party. It consisted of an 
elderly young lady, with a King Charles spaniel, two trunks, 
three bandboxes, a jar of geraniums, a shawl, and an 
umbrella. This caravan arrived about daybreak on a rainy 
morning, long before Mrs. G. or myself even dreamed of 
rising. I think I must have been disturbed by the grating 
of the carriage-wheels on the gravel walk as it drove up to 
the door, for just about that time I dreamed I was at work 
making a macadamized road, with a chain and ball attached 
to my ankle. While I was thus laudably engaged in the 
service of the State, a bell rang for breakfast or prayers, I 
could n t tell exactly which, when I discovered, much to my 
chagrin, that the chain was made fast to a stone pillar, so 
that I could not possibly get away. The bell continued 
ringing, however, for me to go to breakfast or prayers, and 
I pulled with all my strength to get free, when suddenly 
the pillar fell with a loud crash towards me, and I, leaping 
aside to avoid it, found myself standing in the middle of 
the chamber, the bedclothes grasped in my hands, the 
cradle overturned, the baby crying on the floor, Mrs. Gray 
sitting up in bed shivering with fright and cold, while the 
most confounded rapping and knocking and ringing was 
going on down-stairs at the hall-door that was ever heard. 



138 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

" What can it be ? " asked Mrs. G. 

" Who can it be ? you mean," I replied, in no very good 
humor ; " the what is evident enough." 

" Perhaps it s the Judge, from the city," suggested Mrs. 
Gray ; " you know, when last here, he half promised to 
make us a visit." 

" But he, or any sane man," I answered, " would n t come 
at such an unseasonable hour ; nor would he create such an 
abominable disturbance. No ; you may depend on it, it s 
some inconsiderate woman." 

" Perhaps it is my mother," she replied, " or yours, Mr. 
Gray." 

" Nothing more likely," I answered. 

" Well, Mr. G.," said my wife, as a fresh supply of knock- 
ings took place, " why don t you go down-stairs and open 
the door, and see who it is ? " 

" If you 11 be patient, my dear," I exclaimed, " till I get 
on a stocking or two, I ll go ; but look at me," Mrs. G. 
positively declared that she would not, " am I in a fit state 
to go down to the front door ? " 

Mrs. G. then urged me to hurry, and, at the same time, 
wished me to pick up the baby and give her some portion 
of the bedclothes. I complied with Mrs. G. s reasonable 
request, and then, slipping on my dressing-gown, I pro 
ceeded down-stairs and opened the door, when in marched 
the caravan alluded to above. 

The lady was an entire stranger to me, but as I presumed 
she was, at least, a first-cousin of my wife, I ushered her, 
with great politeness and cordiality, into the parlor ; saw, 
myself, that all her travelling-furniture Avas safely housed, 
and then, telling her that I would send Mrs. Gray im 
mediately down, I went up-stairs. I had entirely forgotten 
to ask the stranger s name ; so when my wife, the moment 
I entered the room, wanted to know who it was, I was 
obliged to confess that I could not tell her. Mrs. G. s 
curiosity was greatly excited, and she declared that she 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 139 

would n t go down-stairs until I had first inquired the vis 
itor s name. To please Mrs. G., therefore, I did so. When 
I came up again, I found Mrs. G. leaning over the banisters, 
at the head of the stairs, trying to spell the lady s name 
from the card tacked on the end of her trunk, which, by 
chance, was upside-down. She, however, failed to decipher 
it, nor was her curiosity much allayed when I mentioned 
that the lady s name was Smith. Thereupon Mrs. G., after 
considering a moment, remarked that very likely it was her 
cousin Mary Ann, from Oakland. When, however, Mary 
Ann s portrait was drawn very graphically by Mrs. Gray, 
I immediately declared that the inhabitant of our parlor 
was not that personage. Mrs. G. knew several other 
Smiths, but none whose personal appearance, in any way, 
corresponded with " our early bird." It was some time 
before Mrs. Gray would go down-stairs, though quite pre 
pared so to do. She seemed to enjoy wonderfully enu 
merating, for my benefit, the many Smiths whose acquaint 
ance she possessed, and guessing which of them all was 
our visitor. 

At last she left me, when I arranged myself comfortably 
for another nap. I was soon, however, disturbed by Mrs. 
G. s return, who astonished me with the alarming informa 
tion that she had never, until that morning, encountered the 
Miss Smith who had come to visit us. Mrs. Gray had heard 
of her, however, through her mother. In fact, the visit to 
us was based on the ground of her acquaintance with my 
wife s mother. Miss S. had once visited Mrs. G. s mother. 
She had passed a winter with her. My estimable wife, at 
the time, was from home at boarding-school. Mrs. G. re 
membered, however, hearing of Miss S. s visit. She was 
aware, too, that Miss S. devoted her life to visiting among 
her acquaintances. On the slightest pretext she would pay 
you a visit. One word of welcome given her would ensure 
jou a month s visitation. With two words, you might be 
certain of her staying half a year. And further encourage- 



140 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

ment would keep her with you a lifetime, provided you 
were not absolutely uncivil towards her. 

"When Mrs. G. had duly given me this information, I 
told her she had better inform the " morning herald " that 
there were many admirable hotels in the village, and rec 
ommend to her one of them. Tell her, too, that we are 
overrun with visitors ; that there is a dearth of milk and 
honey in the house; that the cook takes snuff; that the 
baby is teething ; that there is no lightning-rod on our 
cottage ; that I am a I could n t think of anything bad 
enough to suit me, so I asked Mrs. G. what I was : she 
suggested " miserable sinner," which was evidently a quo 
tation. Yes, I continued, a miserable sinner ; and tell her, 
too, that I am expecting a horde of old bachelors to pass a 
week with me : not that I exactly expect them, my dear, 
at least not till you visit your mother again ; but, then, they 
might possibly come, you know. 

Mrs. G. said, incredulously, " Yes," she knew they might, 
but that, for her part, she did n t believe that any old 
bachelor could frighten off Miss Smith. Indeed it would 
not surprise her if she were partial to them. 

" Then," I said, " I guess she 11 prove another old soldier, 
and pass the winter with us." Mrs. Gray thought not. She 
would treat her, she said, so politely that she would be glad 
to beat a retreat. 

The concluding words of Mrs. G. s remark showed me 
that she had listened to the old soldier s phrases to some 
purpose. My wife s tactics were admirable. She gave the 
strange lady the run of the parlors and one chamber ; she 
debarred her access to either the nursery, the sitting-room, 
or the library. She even went so far as to have the black 
boy take each meal to her, which was served in the par 
lor. This was done under plea that the dining-room was 
being painted. I set the painters to work the day the 
caravan arrived. It was the beginning, so Mrs. G. said, 
of the fall house-cleaning : and from that day till Miss 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 141 

Smith " beat a retreat," five days thereafter, there was a 
continual scrubbing and rubbing, painting and mopping, 
washing and slopping, going on throughout the house, till 
at last the whole establishment was cleansed, with the ex 
ception, Mrs. G. informed Miss S., of the parlors and one 
chamber. This hint was sufficient. The next morning 
Miss Smith and suite took the first train going South. 
Mrs. Gray said, at parting with her, that she hoped she had 
been comfortable. There was about that time a " cold 
term," which lasted a week, not more to our visitor s dis- 
colhfort than to Mrs. G. s, who, with doors and windows 
open, was superintending, in person, the house-cleaning 
operation. There were no fires, save in the kitchen, where 
the cook reigned supreme ; in the nursery, where the baby 
dwelt ; and in the library, where I confined myself. Shawls 
were in requisition both by Miss S. and Mrs. G., and it 
is very doubtful to my mind whether, under the circum 
stances, our visitor was as comfortable as Mrs. G. hoped. 
One source of annoyance to our morning belle was the little 
black boy. The tricks he played on her " sweet little 
spaniel " were innumerable, and I think had great weight in 
influencing Miss S. to take her departure. After she had 
left, house-cleaning continued one day longer, and then 
ceased. Somehow Mrs. G. managed on that occasion to 
take a severe cold, which continues with her to this present 
time, and will, I fear, prevent us from going on our con 
templated picnic, until, at least, another summer arrives. 



142 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER XXV. 

A Caller. " The Editor." An Epic wanted. Mrs. Gray s Mistake. 
Her Rebuke. Mysterious Disappearance of the Little Black Boy. 
Roasting Chestnuts. 

fHE editor of the " Star-Spangled Banner " called 
on me a few days since. He was quite down in 
the mouth. His newspaper, he feared, was running 
to seed. He was afraid he would himself, should he be 
obliged to " shin out " much longer. He wanted me to 
assist him. I, he said, could do it. He mentioned exactly 
how I could accomplish it. I should like to have accom 
modated him, but I was so circumstanced that it would 
have been impolitic in me so to do. Indeed, it would have 
been a dangerous thing for me to have attempted. I told 
him so. He appeared much disappointed. At first I was 
fearful he would immediately go and destroy himself. I 
am happy to state, however, that he finally went away from 
Hillside in good spirits. 

The following day I bethought me of a plan by which I 
could benefit him. I would write some striking verses for 
his newspaper. Thereupon I composed the following lines. 
If anything will cause his paper to sell, I think that they 
will. They set forth his case in a very strong and proper 
light. After reading them, I trust his old subscribers will 
immediately pay up, and that new patrons will forward 
their subscriptions. He has a note, I understand, to pay 
early next month, and any assistance rendered him before 
that time arrives Avill be doubly acceptable. I have allowed 
myself the privilege an author s privilege of forward- 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 143 

ing the lines to the " Home Journal " for publication prior 
to their appearance in the " Star-Spangled Banner " 

THE EDITOR. 

He came to me, just five feet high, 

A gentleman in dress and manner, 
Who ne er was known to tell a lie, 

Yet edited the Spangled Banner. 
In politics he is non est, 

Conservative as any parson, 
Did vote for " Harry of the West " ; 

Would like to vote for old Kit Carson. 

* 

But to the present he was blind, 

Cared nothing for its men or measures, 
Said that republics were unkind, 

And sought for peace in household pleasures. 
He d been in office once, and knew 

What t was to truckle to a party ; 
He d tried them all each thievish crew 

And now, he said, he cursed them hearty. 

He d had advances made of late, 

To him by men of either section : 
One offered him a set of plate 

To use his paper till election ; 
Another promised him a place 

Within the Custom-House, for " sartin." 
He answered him, with laughing face, 

Yes, "in his eye, and Betty Martin." 

And still another said, that they 

Would make him consul at some island 
In the Pacific, far away, 

With sunny shores and verdant highland. 
He thought the latter rather green, 

To offer him such situation ; 
He d like to call on England s queen, 

Or go to Russia s coronation. 

He had his price, he said, but then 
He had n t found a decent bidder ; 



144 



He went for money, not for men, 
Besides, his wife might be a " widder " ; 

And he would like to have it told, 
If he should die before election, 

That he had left his spouse some gold 
T would show the world he had affection. 

He felt, though, that the times were hard ; 

His best subscribers failed to pay him. 
Butter had " riz," and so had lard, 

And eggs, and eke the hens that lay em. 
A literary sheet, he said, 

Was something that the people needed ; 
But if it would n t bring him bread, 

He d let their dulness go unheeded. 

He trusted though that they would change, 

And give him say a grand donation ; 
And then he should n t think it strange 

If he should give them an oration. 
He d deem it quite the handsome thing, 

If his subscribers would sustain him ; 
If not, no more to them he d bring 

His paper, and they could n t blame him. 

Nothing was stirring now, he said, 

Save only scheming politicians ; 
The troubadours had gone to bed, 

Or, worse, had gone on foreign missions, 
Electioneering through the State, 

And making many foolish speeches. 
T were better they, with SUE and KATE, 

Were home, and eating cream and peaches. 

He wished upon his word he did 

That I would give another dinner ; 
He d come, if only he were bid, 

Or else he were a perfect sinner. 
Then such an article he d write, 

For his judicious Spangled Banner, 
As ne er before had seen the light : 

Thought I, myself, you are a planner. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 145 

T would sell the number sure, he said, 

And start again its circulation ; 
T would hit the right nail on the head, 

And re-create the old sensation. 
" Come, my dear fellow-mortal, come, 

You 11 much oblige me if you 11 do it." 
" I would, but Mrs. Gray s at home, 

And, oh, my eyes ! how I should rue it." 

He took his hat ; he took his cane ; 

He said he felt much disappointed. 
He wished to gracious it would rain ; 
^ He d like to see the world disjointed. 

He took a step towards the door, 

He looked, indeed, quite broken-hearted ; 
He dropped his hat upon the floor, 

He picked it up, and then departed. 

But scarcely had he gone a rod, 

When I recalled his looks so fearful, 
Oh ! how significant his nod 

Was of the grave and all things tearful. 
I oped the door, I called him in, 

And asked him if he d have some whiskey ? 
He said he would. It made him grin ; 

And then he went away quite frisky. 

As soon as I had completed the above lines, I called to 
me the little black boy, who was diverting himself by 
swinging on the great gate, and ordered him to take the 
MS. to Mrs. Gray, in the nursery, for her perusal. I did 
not see Mrs. G. till tea-time. I thought during the meal 
that she would speak to me regarding them ; but, to my 
surprise, she did not. As a general thing, Mrs. Gray does 
not pass over my productions in silence. She is apt to 
criticise them severely. She wishes I would omit such and 
such lines, or introduce such and such expressions. She 
suggests many changes and alterations. She would like 
to have me write one poem, at least, in accordance with her 
plans. I gather by her conversation, delivered principally 
on rainy Sundays, that she would have me compose an epic, 

10 



146 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

something after the style of " Paradise Lost," something 
grand and solemn, worthy, Mrs. G. says, of a place on the 
shelves of the Astor Library, and which would be read 
with satisfaction in future times by future generations. 
Simply to keep my wife in good-humor, I tell her that I am 
turning the idea over in my mind, and that one of these 
days I expect to produce something noble. 

She quite alarmed me the other day, when I mentioned 
that I was turning the matter over in my mind, by remark 
ing that a rolling stone gathered no moss, and she feared 
my " turning ideas " would prove but rolling stones. Know 
ing, therefore, Mrs. Gray s tendency to speak freely in 
relation to my writings, I was astonished that she failed, 
during the tea-hour, to discuss the merits and demerits of 
my last production. Afterwards, therefore, when we were 
gathered about the library fire, Mrs. G. engaged in re- 
buttoning my last winter s overcoat, and I munching," 
squirrel-like, some October chestnuts, I asked my wife, as 
I peeled off the fresh brown shell of one, how she liked 
" The Editor " I sent her that afternoon. 

She wished to know if I referred to the short, seedy- 
looking individual whom she noticed zigzagging across the 
lawn, in a sort of dog-trot, yesterday morning ; for if it 
were him I had sent to her, she was thankful that she had 
not seen him; and what could have possessed me, she 
would like to know, to send to her such a man as that. 

I told her that she misunderstood me. I simply meant 
the verses entitled " The Editor," which I sent to her by 
the little black boy. She had neither received the verses, 
she said, nor seen the colored child. 

It was strange, I replied. Then I rung the bell for the 
black boy to make his appearance. He failed, however, to 
do so. At the second ringing of the bell, the cook made 
her appearance. She informed me that he had gone away 
about four o clock, and had not yet returned, though supper, 
she said, was over, and everything cleared away, and mighty 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 147 

little of anything to eat would that boy get till the next 
morning. It was strange, she continued, what had become 
of him. She had never known him to be absent before at 
meal-time. 

To tell the truth, I was myself a little alarmed. His 
absence from supper was a bad feature in the case. " Some 
thing out of the common course," I said to Mrs. Gray, 
" must have occurred to detain him. T is no small matter, 
you may depend on t, which keeps him this night away 
from his mush and milk and sweet potatoes. It would be 
a little singular, my dear," I continued, " if, though so late 
in the season, you and I should yet go a black burying." 

" Mr. Gray," said my wife, very solemnly, " never allow 
yourself to joke on serious subjects. It is an evidence, not 
only of a shallow mind, but also of a wicked heart. If any 
accident has happened to the little black boy, Mr. G., you 
will be sorry for having thus lightly spoken in regard to 
him." 

After this rebuke from Mrs. Gray, I said nothing for five 
minutes, but applied myself most industriously to roast 
ing a few large and choice chestnuts, on the shovel placed 
over the live embers, and wondering if the black boy 
had indeed given up his lease on life what had become 
of the verses I had intrusted to him. While I was occu 
pied in this profitable speculation, there came a ghost-like 
tap at the door, which so startled me, that I dropped the 
shovel and chestnuts into the fire, and hastily turning around, 
beheld young ebony himself. I was on the point of blow 
ing him up sky-high, losing my chestnuts as I did, aggra 
vated me a good deal, when Mrs. Gray commenced the 
attack, opening her battery of small fireworks by saying, 
" Now, Mr. Black Boy, I want you should give an account 
of yourself. I should like to know where you ve been, 
and where that paper is Mr. Gray sent by you to me." 

The lad looked like a black sheep before the slaugh 
terer. 



H8 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

He would n t do so again, he said. 

" Do what again ? " asked Mrs. G. 

" Why, go off," he replied. 

" Where ? go off where ? " insisted Mrs. G. 

" Why, down yonder," he continued. 

" Come, sir," I said, losing patience, " tell me all about 
it." 

So he proceeded to inform me that he had been down to 
the blacksmith s shop at the corners, where he had been 
reading my verses on " The Editor " to the company there 
assembled. He read it, he said, five times to crowds of 
people, who were very much tickled with it, and who gave 
him three cheers. He told them that Mister Gray wrote 
it, but that he himself helped on a good deal of it. 

If ever there were a proud little black boy, he stood 
before me. He wanted to know if I would like to have 
him read it to me. I replied affirmatively ; whereupon he 
mounted an ottoman, and read in a very clever manner 
I taught the boy to read, you 11 remember the verses in 
question. 

When he had finished, Mrs. G. gave him a slice of cake 
and a sip of wine, and the cook took him into the kitchen 
and treated him with a large piece of pumpkin-pie. Be 
fore he left the library, however, he asked me what I 
thought of his going about the country the coming winter, 
delivering poems. I replied I thought favorably of it. He 
appeared quite delighted with my answer, and went out, to 
get his pie, in high glee. 

" Mrs. Gray," I asked, after the black boy had retired, 
" how do you like my verses ? " 

Mrs. G. did not like them at all. She thought they 
lacked both wit and originality. I admitted the former, 
but denied the latter accusation. 

" But don t you think, my dear," persisted my wife, " that 
your writings bear some resemblance occasionally to Mr. 
duckweed s?" 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 149 

" Not a bit of it," I replied ; " they are no more alike, 
my love, than cherries and gooseberries. What poem of 
duckweed s," I continued, " do my verses resemble ? " 

Mrs. G. said she did not know, but that they sounded 
somewhat like something she had somewhere read. She 
did not, however, allude particularly, in her present re 
marks, to these verses. She referred, generally, to my 
prose. It was imitation, not the real article ; German sil 
ver, not the pure ore. 

" If you please, Mrs. Gray," I remarked, " we will here 
let tfie subject drop, for it is one not entirely agreeable 
to me." 

As you like, Mr. G." 

And thereupon the conversation ceased. 



150 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER XXVI. 

I get up a Picnic. Kissing the Baby. Vanity. The Advantage cf 
Picnics. Prim and Bustle. 

AM going on a picnic. My wife and baby are to 
accompany me. As the picnic is gotten up solely 
by myself, I could do no less than invite Mrs. 
Gray to join it. To be candid, she is the only one whom I 
have invited. I should like to have asked a few of my 
friends ; but when I mentioned to Mrs. G. this desire of 
mine, she gave me so distinctly to understand it would not 
be agreeable to her, that I incontinently gave it up. 

" Because," said she, " of course we shall be obliged to 
take the baby with us ; and how do you suppose I can take 
proper care of the child if any of your bachelor friends are 
prying about ? " 

I don t profess to be a very " smart " man, but I instantly 
perceived how inconvenient it would be to increase the 
number of our party. Babies, after all, I thought, are great 
annoyances, especially in assemblages where bachelors are 
present. Their proper places are in the nursery. I said 
so to Mrs. G., and suggested the feasibility of leaving baby 
at home. She replied that such a thing was not to be 
thought of, and wondered at my desiring it. Then I 
laughed, and said I only suggested it to tease her. Then 
Mrs. G. laughed, and said it was shameful in me to do it. 
Then we both proceeded to the nursery to look at the baby, 
who lay in his cradle asleep. Mrs. Gray kissed him, and 
wanted me to do the same. I refused, however, and told 
my wife it was all nonsense kissing babies, for they did not 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 151 

appreciate it, and that, for my part, I d rather kiss a pretty 
girl. 

" Don t, Mr. G.," my wife replied, " don t say so, for 
it pains me to hear you speak so slightingly of the pre 
cious little darling. See how prettily his hands are folded 
across his bosom ! , Is n t he a handsome child, Mr. Gray ? " 
and the fond mother stooped over him, ostensibly for the 
purpose of arranging his pillow, but really to once more 
kiss him. I suppose she felt sorry that I refused to do so. 
Just as we were leaving the room, and Mrs. Gray s back 
was turned, I bent down and kissed the youngster very 
softly, without, as I thought, its being perceived by Mrs. G. 

When we reached the library, my wife remarked that 
she thought I did love the child, notwithstanding I per 
mitted myself to allude to him oftentimes in a light and 
thoughtless manner ; " for," she added, " I noticed, my dear, 
in the mirror, that you kissed him." 

I don t think it a good plan to have a mirror in the nur 
sery. I believe the nurse spends much time which should 
be devoted to taking care of the baby, in arranging her 
hair, and otherwise adorning her person. I should be sorry 
to be the cause of creating, even indirectly, in any one s 
mind a regard for vain and frivolous things. Vanity is a 
sin which lies at the foundation of many a blasted repu 
tation. I spake all this to Mrs. Gray, and requested her 
to remove the mirror from the nursery. Mrs. G., I am 
sorry to say, absolutely refused to grant my request. If it 
were not that the baby might chance to be harmed there 
by, I would order Tomothy to throw quite accidentally, 
of course a stone into the open window at the tale-telling 
mirror. As it is, I shall request our parson to preach a 
sermon against vanity. 

After a while, when reference was again made to the 
picnic, I said, addressing Mrs. Gray, " Nothing, my dear, 
can be better in summer time than a picnic. It is better 
than a party or a ball. It is better than going to the the- 



152 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

atre or the circus " Mrs. G. here interrupted me to say 
that she never went to such places, and she really hoped I 
never did. 

" Sea-bathing," I continued, not heeding my wife s re 
marks, " is undoubtedly pleasant ; but even on a picnic 
one is generally sure to have the benefit of a bath before 
he gets home. And here let me add, my dear, that you be 
particular to remind me to carry with us an umbrella. A 
picnic, too, is a healthful diversion, even under the most 
unpropitious circumstances. Should it rain in torrents 
should the chicken-pie be forgotten and left at home 
should the spoons be lost or stolen should we be chased 
by dogs or ferocious horned cattle should we tear our 
clothes scrambling through bushes or climbing over rail 
fences should we miss the tide, if we go by water, and 
thereby have to row the whole distance, both going and 
returning, against the current should we find, when we 
are ready to return home, that the boat has floated from 
its moorings or the oars been used, by the young lady 
who personates the cook, for firewood or, quite as bad, 
what once happened to myself and party." 

Thereupon Mrs. G. said that she would like dearly to 
know what it was to which I referred. To please Mrs. 
Gray, I opened my writing-desk, and taking therefrom a 
journal of some years standing, read from its pages the 
following account of the matter, first, however, prefacing 
the story with this introduction : 

" You know, my dear," I commenced, " Prim and Bus 
tle, whom we met at my old home at Rivertown, whither 
we went on our wedding-tour ? " Mrs. G. nodded an as 
sent. " But you do not know, my love," I continued, " that 
my friend Clarence and myself seldom failed closing a 
summer or a winter day without passing an hour or two 
perhaps it were more, for time flew on swallow s wings 
during that halcyon period of my life in the society of 
those two sunny maidens." 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 153 

Mrs. Gray hereupon observed that she did not ; but it 
in no wise surprised her to learn that such was the case. 

" Ah ! " I continued, half soliloquizing, " those were 
cheerful nights we passed around the centre-table in the 
corner, when, the solar lamp lighted, and the shades 
dropped at the windows, and, if it were winter, a fresh 
scuttle of coal cast on the cheerful fire, heeding little the 
storm going on out-of-doors, we sat with loved ones within 
their dear old home." 

Mrs, G. looked up inquiringly from her work, and ex 
claimed, " Indeed ! " 

There was Prim," I went on, " so precise and digni 
fied, sitting erect in her high-backed chair, busily sewing 
on some useful garment ; and Bustle, on a low stool, dain 
tily stitching a bit of ruffle ; and the Gemini they were 
wild girls in those days occupied, more or less, with their 
school-lessons, while the good mother, God bless that 
mother, Abeline ! " " Yes," said A., " God bless her ! " 
" with pleasant smiles and gentle words, sought, in the 
basket beside her on the sofa, her own necessary work ; 
while Clarence and I alternately read aloud from some 
entertaining book." 

" What books were they, Mr. Gray ? " asked my wife. 

" Oh, there was the Encyclopaedia Britannica, in twenty 
volumes, to commence with," I replied ; " and the auto 
biography of Mahaloo Doolah, an African princess, in ten 
octavo volumes ; and the wonderful history of Abou Ben 
Adhem, a Mahometan, whose tribe increased " 

" There, Mr. G.," interrupted my very matter-of-fact 
wife, " that will do : please to continue your narrative." 

So I went on. " Prim and Bustle, my dear, still sit, as 
of old, around that magic table ; the Gemini, somewhat 
sobered down, crochet and net, instead of studying ; and 
the good mother yet plies her housewife s needle : but 
Clarence and I are not there to join them, though others, 
doubtless, have stepped into the places we once occupied, 
and the circle remains complete." 



154 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

"But what has all this, Mr. G., got to do with your 
story?" 

"Story! Why, bless me, my dear," I replied, "I had 
quite forgotten it, though I remember now all about it." 
So, turning to my journal without further delay, I read what 
will be found in the next chapter. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 155 




CHAPTER XXVII. 

A Picnic on Rocky Island. Not exactly Poetry. Rowing. Securing 
the Boat. Ebb Tide. In the Mud. Carrying the Girls. Our 
The Wager. Home Again. 

ET S get up a picnic?" said I to Clarence. 
" Agreed ! agreed ! " said he. " "Who shall we 
ask ? " said I to Clarence. " Why, Prim and 
Bustle," said he. " Who else shall we ask ? " said I to 
Clarence. " The Gemini," said he. " And their cousin 
from Montreal," said I. " With their cousin S.," said he. 
Quite a family party," said I to Clarence. " Yes, very," 
said he to me. 

" Mr. Gray," interrupted my wife, " is that poetry which 
you are reading ? " 

No, my dear," I replied, " not exactly poetry." 

I thought it was," continued Mrs. G. ; " but whatever 
it is, for goodness sake don t read me any more ; it will 
weary me to death if you keep on longer in that strain." 

" But, my dear," I replied, " if I am to read the story to 
you, I cannot do so otherwise than as it is written." 

" Could you not, however, manage, Mr. Gray," persisted 
my wife, " to omit repeating so often the said I and said 
he ?" 

" Perhaps I could," I replied ; " to please you, I will en 
deavor so to do." 

"Thank you, my dear," added my wife. Then I con 
tinued the narrative as follows : 

" The evening of the day on which the above conversa 
tion occurred between Clarence and myself found us, as 
usual, gathered about the round table, discussing the sub- 



156 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

ject of the intended picnic. It was a matter of doubt for 
some time as to where we should go. A portion of our 
party was in favor of visiting Bash-Bish Falls. This would 
have been very pleasant ; but the distance, I urged, was so 
great that the whole day would necessarily be consumed in 
going and returning. I added, also, that the place was 
noted for the numberless rattlesnakes which infested it. 
That alone was sufficient, and not a young lady of them all 
was courageous enough, after learning that fact, to express 
even a wish to go there. Besides, I whispered to Clarence, 
what with horses and carriages, the party would cost much 
more than it was worth. Considering these things, then, 
it is no wonder that we concluded to visit Eocky Island. 

On the following morning, therefore, we went. Clar 
ence and myself rowed the boat the whole distance, 
some five or six miles. Of course, the tide was dead 
against us. Of course, too, his hands were blistered. 
Mine would have been, only, when quite a lad, I came 
near going on a whaling voyage around " the Horn," and 
the simple thought of all I might have gone through so 
hardened their palms that working the light sculls had no 
effect on them. Clarence, however, ungenerously said that 
my schoolmaster hardened them for me ; while Bustle 
thought they became so in my vain efforts at weeding 
carrots. Prim thereupon looked very grave, and desired 
Bustle to desist ; and just at that moment my oar acci 
dentally, of course slipped out of the rowlock and spat 
tered water on the two detractors. 

In due time we reached the island in safety and good 
spirits. We passed the day there pleasantly enough. At 
sundown we started to return, that is, we went to the 
spot where we had left our boat. We had taken particular 
pains to secure that boat, either from drifting away or be 
ing stolen. We had fastened the painter, with a padlock, 
to a tree that grew near the water s edge. We had cast 
over the stern of the boat a rope, with a large stone at- 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 157 

tached, for an anchor. We had carried the oars with us 
into the woods. We had unshipped the rudder and hid 
den it in the bushes. We had even taken out the thole 
pins, and had placed them in our pockets. In short, we 
had taken every imaginable precaution to secure, for our 
own use, that particular boat when we should wish to 
go home. When, therefore, we went to the place where, 
in the morning, we had left our craft rocking in six or 

O-* O 

seven feet of water, we had no difficulty in finding it, safe 
and secure as we expected, but, to our surprise, there was 
no water within half a mile of it. There had evidently 
been a great falling off in that particular article. The 
boat lay in a bed of soft mud. The tide was out. It was 
still going out. The buoys within sight all pointed down 
the stream. How much longer it would continue to ebb I 
was not sailor enough to know. I thought that in the 
course of an hour or so it would turn, and then in three or 
four more the boat would float. When I mentioned this to 
the young ladies, they remarked it was painful to think of. 
At that rate it would be ten o clock at night before we 
could leave the island ; " and you know, Mr. Gray," said 
Bustle, " you two youths are not the best oarsmen in the 
world, so it will be midnight at least before we get home ; 
and won t my good mother," she added, " be worried about 
us ; and won t you two catch a scolding for keeping us out 
so late ? " 

" It is too bad," I said, " but it can t be helped, that I 
see." So we seated ourselves in the boat, which no one 
had stolen, and which had n t floated away, and watched 
the receding tide. Suddenly, Clarence, who had been silent 
for several minutes, surprised us with the information that 
it would not be flood-tide till six o clock the next morning. 
He had just calculated the whole thing, he said, by the rule 
of three, in his head, and knew that it was so. While we 
were pondering on this frightful information, and wonder 
ing if it were true, the cousin from Montreal appalled us 



158 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

by stating that she also had made a calculation based on 
the time of the moon s rising, and that she was certain, if 
we waited for the tide, we would not get away under two 
days. 

Then it was that we began to feel quite low-spirited. 
There was no game except squirrels on the island, and who 
of us was spry enough to catch them ! The only house 
within sight was the Mountain House, full twelve miles dis 
tant in a bee-line. But from the sojourners there we could 
hope for no assistance. The provisions which we had 
brought with us had been consumed. There was n t even 
a drop of comfort to be extracted from any jug or bottle in 
our possession. We felt exceedingly Robinson Crusoeish. 
We spoke of building a hut and going to housekeeping. 
" Two huts," said the girls ; " one for you, the other for us." 

" What if it should rain ? " asked Prim. 

" Look at the clouds," said Cousin S. 

" Is that sound thunder ? " asked the Montreal cousin, 
who, perhaps, had been reading " Ion." 

" See the mountains, how dark they are ! " exclaimed one 
of the Gemini. 

" And hear the wind, how it shrieks," added the other. 

" Nonsense," said the redoubtable Bustle ; " listen to what 
I have to propose." And she proclaimed her plan for our 
delivery. It was sufficient. The next minute Clarence and 
myself were standing, minus shoes and stockings, in the 
yielding mud, by the side of the boat. " Now, then, my 
hearty," shouted Clarence, " shove ! " and he and I placed 
our shoulders to the stern of the boat and shoved with all 
our strength. But not an inch did it move. 

" Try again," said the girls, encouragingly. 

Once more we united our strength. " There she glides," 
exclaimed Bustle, as our feet, sliding backward through the 
soft and slippery mud, brought us upon our faces. 

" You re mistaken," said Prim. 

Bustle acknowledged she was. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 159 

As we raised ourselves up, the girls laughed and said 
we resembled canal-diggers. "We were muddied, but they 
ought not to have laughed at us. Were we not laboring 
like true knights in their behalf? We resolved, then, to 
have our pay for this mistimed pleasantry. 

" Lighten the boat," said I. 

" Passengers ashore," shouted Clarence. 

Then once more we tried. Slowly but surely the boat 
moved from her bed. On we went till a dozen feet were 
between the boat and the bank, where stood our party. 

" Good-bye, my dears," said I. " Any word for your fond 
mothers ? " 

" Come back, oh ! do come back for us," exclaimed the 
frightened maidens. 

" Farewell, beloved ones, farewell ! " said C. 

Cries of grief, prayers, entreaties, wringing of hands, 
mingled with some scoldings, occurred among the shore 
party. But the boat kept steadily on her way. The dis 
tance from our forlorn damsels increased. The water was 
near. We reached it. The boat floated. We could barely 
hear the forsaken ones. We saw, however, scarfs and 
kerchiefs waving for us to return. We perceived, too, one 
venturous maiden on the way to join us. We let go the 
anchor ; we left the boat swinging in the current, and 
waded shoreward. The young lady hastening to meet us 
suddenly retreated. We marked her white feet plashing 
through the mud. We gave chase ; she won the race, how 
ever, and stood panting on the green bank as we came up. 

They all appeared glad to see us, but not enough so as to 
welcome us with kisses. We thought we ought to be paid in 
this coin. They, however, obstinately refused. They would 
kiss us when we had returned them safely home. We 
thought it doubtful ; but they were resolute : so we yielded. 

Then, with crossed hands, we made a chair, and carried 
thereon each, one by one, to the boat. T was a slippery 
walk, but we were full of daring and chivalry, and minded 
it not. Surrounding the boat the water was some two feet 



160 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

in depth. The opportunity was too good to be lost. So 
we said to the first fair freight we carried, " Bustle, dear, 
we can t wait till we reach home ; be kind and smile on us, 
and while your white arms are clasped about our necks, 
grant our guerdon a kiss ; or else we fear we may drop 
you in the water." 

It was too bad, she exclaimed ; we could not be gentle 
men, thus to take advantage of weak woman. 

" How very wet, Clarence," I remarked, " the water is 
this evening." 

" Yes," he replied, " very wet." 

" But," said B., " you won t drop me ? " 

" Certainly, we will, Miss Bustle," I replied. 

" "Well, then, you 11 never tell promise me that if 
just this once I kiss you." 

" Never, dear Bustle," we replied, " never." 

Oh, they were soft, those kisses very soft, but sweet 
withal, sweeter, so thought C. and myself, as we walked 
shoreward for another burden and another kiss, than any 
we ever before received. 

" And I believe, my dear," I said, addressing Mrs. Gray, 
" that Clarence thinks the same to this day." 

" How is it with yourself, Mr. G. ? " inquired Mrs. Gray. 

" Madam," I answered, " until I kissed my wife I thought 
as Clarence does." 

" Enough, Mr. Gray. Please to read on." 

Fair burdens and kisses were ours till all, save the Eng 
lish girl, were deposited in the boat. 

" You 11 never," said Bustle, " dare ask our cousin for 
such reward as we so foolishly have granted." 

" Or if you do," said Prim, " she 11 never grant it." 

" I 11 wager you, Yankee lasses," I cried, " that we 11 
get two apiece from the English lady." 

" Done," said Bustle ; " you shall have five from me, be 
sides, if you succeed ; but should you fail, the kisses shall 
be changed to boxes on the ears." 

"Agreed," we cried; "agreed." 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 161 

Then all the others wished to make the same rash 
wager. 

" Clarence." said I, " this thing is getting serious. Should 
we succeed, kisses with us will be as common as strawber 
ries in June." 

" But should we fail ? " he asked. 

" It must not be," I answered : " no English girl must be 
more resolute than our Yankee maids." 

Bustle was fearful of this, so she dared us to the attempt. 
She did not want her English cousin lording it over her. 

O O 

If ever there were a woman afraid of water, it was " our 
cousin from Montreal." When, as we moved with her to 
the boat, we told her of the wager we had made, she said 
she d rather give us ten apiece than have us drop her in 
the water. 

Just by the boat we stopped : quickly she kissed us then, 
on each our cheeks, and thrice the same repeated. 

Some persons never pay their debts of honor. This is 
shameful and exceedingly wrong. Had we lost, we. doubt 
less, would have suffered for it ; and as it was, it were near 
the same, for then, and many a day thereafter. I never 
parted with Prim or Bustle without tingling ears and a 
tendency to headache. 

" And it served you right, Mr. Gray," exclaimed my 
wife ; " your and your friend s conduct was atrocious." 

" The very words, my love, which Bustle often used," I 
said, in alluding to the subject." 

What hour was it, Mr. G., when you reached home that 
night ? " asked Abeline. 

Nine o clock, or thereabouts," I answered. Once 
afloat, and passengers aboard, Clarence and I, on the top 
of the flood, made speed in going home." 

" And now, Mr. Gray," said my wife, " when shall we 
go on our picnic ? " 

" Why, to-morrow," I replied, " unless it should rain ; 
and in that case, the first pleasant day thereafter." 
11 



162 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER XXVIH. 

to the Village. Frank s Case. Temptation. The Editor wants 
my Obituary. 

AM no longer a prisoner at Hillside. My month 
of probation has passed. This event occurred 
three days since, much to my satisfaction, but, I 
think, greatly to Mrs. Gray s regret. I had walked so cir 
cumspectly during the month, that Mrs. G. began to enter 
tain fond hopes of my reformation. Even I myself began 
to entertain similar ones. I thought how pleasant a thing 
it would be to sustain the character of an exemplary hus 
band. " An exemplary husband, Mr. G.," said my wife, 
" is sure to make an exemplary father, and set his children 
a good example." I quite agreed with Mrs. G., and fully 
resolved to become one. I think I should have succeeded 
if my quarantine had not come to an end. The very day 
it ended, I went, accompanied by the little black boy, to 
the village. Of course I met my bachelor friends. They 
were all delighted to see me. They feared I had gone to 
foreign parts. They wanted to know what I had been 
doing. I replied that I had been attending to the business 
of the farm, the amount of fall work which I had seen 
to was enormous, but I thanked fortune I was through with 
it now, and should have a little leisure time which I could 
call my own. 

Thereupon my friends said they were very glad to hear 
it, and wished me to remain with them till evening, and 
after a light supper at the " Arbor," to accompany them 
on a serenading party. In short, they said the Trouba- 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 163 

dours were going to be around that night, and they wanted 
me to assist them. Frank, they told me, quite confiden 
tially, had returned from the city, where he had been for 
the purpose of renewing some " slight attentions " which 
he had paid, during the summer months, to a lady prom- 
enacler of the Fifth Avenue, who had sojourned at the 
water-cure," in the village. He had come home, appar 
ently in very low spirits, and it was with the hope of cheer 
ing him that the Troubadours proposed taking the field 
again. The speakers, too, who had been off electioneering, 
had returned to vote, and expressed a willingness to turn 
out on this occasion. 

As Frank is a general favorite with the community, this 
melancholy intelligence has excited the sympathies of all. 
Especially have the young ladies of the village endeavored 
to console him. He has received no less than seven anony 
mous letters, written in delicate handwriting, on tinted 
note-paper, the writers asking permission to alleviate his 
sorrow by sharing in his confidence. Three pair of worked 
slippers have been sent to him, as also several bouquets, a 
bottle of cologne water, and one copy each of the " Mourn 
er Comforted " and Baxter s Call to the Unconverted." 
These circumstances I learned from Frank himself, so that 
my account can be depended on as truthful. I scarcely 
need to say, that my own feelings were deeply enlisted in 
F. s behalf; and it was with difficulty that I could refuse 
acceding to my bachelor friends wishes to join them on 
this occasion. My desire to divert Frank from his grief 
was very great, but I had promised Mrs. Gray, when I left 
home, that I would return to tea without fail ; and I deter 
mined to do so. When I informed my friends of my de 
cision, they one and all declared it was shameful, and that 
I was a very foolish man for making such a promise ; and, 
furthermore, they would advise me not to regard it, but to 
remain in the village, and they would stand by me, and see 
me safe through any difficulties which might arise. I told 



164 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

them they spoke very bravely, but that they did not live 
;it Hillside, as I did ; besides, it was a matter of principle 
with me. When I said this, they replied, " Oh, if it were 
a matter of principle, why they had nothing more to say." 
And so our interview ended. 

As the black boy and myself rode through the village, 
on our way to Hillside, I said to him, " It is a great thing 
to resist temptation." He answered, that he reckoned it 
was. " Did you," I inquired, " ever resist temptation ? " 
The sable youth replied that he never had. " Then I can 
assure you, my young friend," I continued, " that you do 
not know what it is to possess an approving conscience." 
He said he guessed not. " With no temptations to resist," 
I proceeded, " men can lead very virtuous lives. Simply 
abstaining from evil courses, when there are no induce 
ments tempting one to pursue such, amounts to nothing. 
Vrhat he resists is a better test of a man s rectitude than 
his failures are proofs of his wickedness. If we knew both 
the sides of some sad dog s life, we might, after all, strike 
a balance in his favor, and find him not so great a sinner 
as we had thought." 

" That s so," exclaimed the black boy, the moment I 
ceased speaking. 

Just as the little black boy closed his remarks, we ar 
rived opposite the office of the Star-Spangled Banner," 
the editor of which hailed me from his open window, 
inviting me to alight and enter his sanctum. Not hav 
ing, at that moment, the fear of Mrs. Gray before my 
eyes, I did so. He received me like a brother. His cor 
diality was excessive. He informed me, exultingly, that 
the lines I had sent him had been the means of rejuve 
nating his newspaper. They had set him up amazingly. 
The day after the poem had appeared in the columns of 
the Star-Spangled Banner," his subscribers, with the ex 
ception of one " old file," had come forward, like gentlemen, 
and paid up their subscriptions. Several new names had 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 165 

been added to his patrons. lie had taken the liberty, he 
said, in his last issue, of placing my name in his list of reg 
ular contributors ; and he trusted I would not be displeased 
thereat. I informed him that he could " reckon " on me 
occasionally, but that engagements of various kinds would 
necessarily debar me from giving him that constant assist 
ance to which his wishes and my pleasure pointed. I re 
gretted it very much, I added, but I could not gratify him 
unless I neglected my lady correspondents ; which was not 
to be thpught of. 

Of course, he said, if that was the case, he would not ask 
for a weekly contribution. 

Then he showed me various articles he had had sent him 
as donations, including three hats, lithographic portraits of 
each of the Presidential candidates, a firkin of butter, and 
a basket of eggs ; together with a mysterious jug, which he 
kept in a left-hand cupboard, convenient to his inkstand. 
He poured out for me some of its contents into a very un 
cleanly appearing tumbler, and more of it into a still un- 
clcanlier glass, for himself, and then exclaiming, " Here s 
luck ! " drank it off. I must confess that either the appear 
ance of the tumblers, or a doubt as to the quality of the 
refreshment offered, deterred me from following his exam 
ple, and my glass remained untouched, till, chancing to 
turn my face for a moment in another direction, I was sur 
prised, on looking back, to find the glass empty, and the 
editor smacking his lips on the further side of the room. 

Afterwards he informed me he would be very happy to 
write my obituary for the columns of the " Banner " ; and 
he hoped I would note down, for his use in compiling the 
same, the principal events of my life. I had no objection, 
I told him, to his writing it, but I trusted that it would be 
long before he had occasion to use it. After I were dead 
and buried, I added, the thing might answer ; but as for 
publishing my obituary at present, I should object to it, and 
should continue to object, so long as I could stand up and 



166 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

walk. The principal event, however, in my life, up to this 
time, if he desired to know it, was, I thought, my marrying 
Mrs. Gray. In all other respects, my life had been un- 
noticeable. 

His request, I confess, somewhat surprised and startled 
me. I did not know but that he meant to " use me up," 
and had, after all, taken offence at my verses, but had 
kept down his wrath till he had me alone, meaning to 
slaughter me, and then write my obituary. For a moment 
I wished myself safe out of his office. It occurred to me 
that it might possibly be his practice to murder a person 
for the sake of getting an obituary for his paper. 1 looked 
at the mysterious jug suspiciously. Could it, I asked my 
self, contain poison ? The editor, noticing where my eyes 
rested, poured more of its contents into the uncleanly-look 
ing tumbler aforesaid, for me ; and a further supply into 
the still uncleanlier-looking tumbler, for himself. Then, 
without hesitation, he drained his glass, smacking his lips 
as the last drop disappeared, and informed me, in a confi 
dential tone, that the " stuff" was " old rye," and that mine 
host of the " Spread Eagle " had sent it to him. There 
upon I came to the conclusion that it was not poison, so my 
confidence and courage returned. Afterwards, when I 
came to consider the matter, I made up my mind that my 
editorial friend meant my biography instead of obituary. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 167 



CHAPTER XXIX. 

The Circus. It rains. Naughty Black Boy. Spangles. Motley. 
Babylon. Mrs. Gray s Friend. What the Sultan does in Ispahan. 
At Breakfast. 




1 



I was leaving the editor of the " Star-Spangled 
Banner," he presented me with a ticket of admis 
sion to the travelling circus, which was to open, on 
the village green, in the evening. I thanked him, and ac 
cepted the ticket, intending to give it to the black boy. 
When I reached the street I looked at my watch, and dis 
covered, much to my surprise, that it was long past my tea- 
hour. Mrs. Gray, I said to myself, has doubtless given up 
watching for me from the library window, and has, ere this, 
taken her vesper meal in silence and sorrow. I began to 
feel sorry for Mrs. G. ; I also began to feel sorry for my 
self. T will do no good, I thought, for me to hurry home 
now. So I stopped the horse and got out, telling the 
colored youth, at the same time, to be a good lad, and re 
main in the buggy till I returned, and set off on a stroll 
through the village. Somehow, my steps led me towards 
the green, where stood the white tent of the circus, in 
which the band was already playing the last popular melody. 
I saw that the canvas doors were open, and persons were 
beginning to pass in. Many years had elapsed since I had 
been to an entertainment of this description. I wondered 
if the present one equalled those of my boyhood. Was the 
clown as funny as the olden clowns ? Was the ring-master 
as entertaining, or the company, generally, to be compared 
with those of yore ? I quite wearied myself, too, wondering 
whether there were a young lady, very beautiful and very 



168 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

graceful, in a pink or blue gauze dress, covered with 
spangles, who enacted the fairy queen and flying sprite, 
within the tent before me. I determined, after a long cogi 
tation, to satisfy myself in the matter. So , producing my 
ticket from my waistcoat-pocket, and giving it to the man 
at the tent-door, who eyed me suspiciously, I passed in. 
The moment I entered, I recognized the tan and sawdust 
smell, mingled with the smoke of tallow candles, which I 
had known in my days of wilfulness. There was the same 
pea-nut eating, the same drinking of soda and spruce-beer, 
the same whistling, shouting, and stamping going on in the 
motley assembly there collected, which is, doubtless, always 
found at such places. Seating myself high up on the tier 
of benches, I sat quietly watching the crowd before me, 
marking their various peculiarities. As my eyes wandered 
over the pit, scanning those persons who, full of eagerness, 
crowded closely up to the ring, I espied, much to my as 
tonishment, the physiognomy of the black boy. At first I 
could not credit my senses. What business, I thought, has 
that lad to be here ? He ought to be ashamed of himself. 
Of all bad places, a circus is the worst : it is a species of 
entertainment the lowest ; none but the ignorant and foolish 
delight in it. It is a mark of a depraved taste in any one 
to visit it, and it was very wrong in him, I soliloquized, to 
come here. I resolved to speak thus to the little black boy 
when we should ride home ; but, after considering the sub 
ject a few minutes, viewing it in its various lights and 
shades, I concluded, that, under the circumstances, it would 
be wiser in me to keep quiet. Just then two men, dressed 
in red, tooted on a couple of brass horns, quite distractedly, 
and the next moment two score of gaudily dressed knights 
on horseback sprang into the ring, and rode three times 
around it very furiously, making the tan fly into the eyes 
of those closest about them. Then the two score of horse 
men went through a sham-fight, in which they managed to 
get mixed up very badly, though I think no one was injured. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 169 

Then they rode out from the ring, and into their private 
tent. Then a very old boy, with white jacket and pants, 
walked into the rinsf. lowered a triangular frame, set round 

o ~ 

with lighted candles, to the ground, and after snuffing them, 
raised it to its place. Thereupon the crowd cheered him 
very heartily, when, much to their surprise, he threw a 
somerset in the air, and came down on his feet, minus his 
white jacket and pants, a very comical appearing clown. 
This feat was accomplished something after the Ravel style, 
and premised well, I thought, for Motley. Then the young 
lady, whom I had not seen in twenty years, made her ap 
pearance, looking not a day older, and wearing the same 
spangled, pink dress she did when first we met. She went 
through the usual feat of standing first on one foot and 
then on the other upon the horse, till everybody was satis 
fied she could do it, when she, escorted by the clown, who 
was very polite and ceremonious to her, disappeared into 
the side-tent. Then the band stationed in the triumphal 
car played either " Love not " or " Sweet Home," I could 
n t make out exactly which. That, somehow, caused me to 
think of Mrs. Gray, and made me wish myself at Hillside. 
It was then, too, I first became aware that I was sitting in 
a little pool of water. I felt, also, that quite a rivulet was 
making its way down my back. Of course I looked upward 
to see whence it proceeded, when a very respectably sized 
stream poured into my face. There was a dull, heavy sound 
on the canvas roof over my head. It was at once evident 
to me that it was raining. I moved a few feet from the 
place I had been occupying, in the hope of avoiding the 
leak. The leak, however, proved to be a very extensive 
one. The water followed me up wherever I moved. I 
thereupon came to the conclusion that a circus-tent, during 
a heavy rain, was not exactly the spot in which to keep dry, 
and so I immediately resolved to go home. I looked for 
the black boy ; he was engrossed in watching a man sup 
port an anvil, while two others industriously beat on it with 



170 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

heavy sledges. I resolved then, if I were obliged to drive 
home alone in the rain, to give him a severe lecture for his 
disobedience, and, if feasible, to further punish him for 
going to the circus. 

So I left the tent and the little black boy behind me, 
and walked in the rain down the dark and silent streets to 
where the horse and buggy were. I tried to think of some 
excuse, as I walked on, to say to Mrs. Gray, for having 
stayed away from her so long ; but it rained so hard and I 
made so many missteps, that I could not keep my mind 
long enough on the subject to frame one which would ap 
pear to her plausible and satisfactory. I was greatly sur 
prised, when I reached the buggy, to find Master Black 
Boy in it, and, to all appearance, fast asleep. If he were 
riot so wet, as I discovered he was, I should have thought 
that, possibly, I had been mistaken in seeing him at the 
circus. As it was, I made up my mind that he had seen 
me there, had marked my departure, and straightway hast 
ened after me. 

I said nothing to him, however, during our ride home, 
for my mind was busy with another matter. I was think 
ing of Mrs. Gray. I feared she had been very lonesome 
during my absence. I hoped she had found some enter 
taining book to read. I wondered if she would scold me. 
She never had scolded me, though she came very near it 

o * 

when she discovered the Troubadour business. I am A^ery 
much afraid of a scolding. When I was a boy, every one 
scolded me except my grandmother, and she used to whip 
me. I was always thankful to her for pursuing this course. 
I hold her in great esteem for it to this day. It is very 
tiresome listening to a " good scold," she is apt to be so 
lengthy. I fervently trusted that Mrs. G. would not, on 
this occasion, be disposed to scold. It did not seem to me 
wet, hungry, and wearied, as I was that I could stand 
it. " No," I said to myself ; " if Mrs. G. shows any symp 
toms of scolding when I enter the house, I 11 not listen to 



MY MARK IE D LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 171 

her, but go straightway to the barn, where I 11 pass the 
night in the hay. This will probably cause Mrs. G. to feel 
badly, and she w r ill, moreover, be sorry for me ; and in 
the morning, when I enter the house with my hair full of 
hay-seed, and straws among my whiskers, she 11 be glad 
enough to see me, and won t say a word about my staying 
out, and will make me a cup of delightful Mocha coffee." 

When I had reached thus far in my silent soliloquy, 
the black boy disturbed me by remarking that Hillside 
was pretty well lighted up. On looking forth, I found it 
vas even so. I discovered lights gleaming, not only from 
the windows of the sitting-room and library, but also from 
the parlors and guests chamber above. 

" Black boy," I said, " make that black horse travel a lit 
tle faster up this hill." 

He applied the whip. Who, I wondered, has come to 
Hillside during my absence ? I wished the circus in 
Babylon. I must have expressed this wish aloud, for the 
little black boy immediately mentioned the fact that he 
had caught crabs close by that town. I remarked that he 
had best stop talking to me. and added that I meant a good 
deal older Babylon than the one of which he knew. 

Thereupon the young man held his peace till we reached 
the house. On entering the tea-room, I learned, greatly to 
my surprise and indignation, that a tall gentleman was in 
the parlor w r ith Mrs. Gray. He had arrived so the nur 
sery-maid informed me early in the afternoon, had re 
mained to tea, and, she believed, intended staying all night. 
I had my suspicions that he was the same person who, in 
the spring, accompanied my wife when she returned from 
visiting her mother. When I entered the parlor, I found 
that my suspicions were correct. I welcomed the stranger 
with much cordiality. He was, apparently, very glad to 
see me. Mrs. Gray did not appear to be as glad to meet 
me as I imagined she should have been. In fact, she did 
not seem to care at all that I had stayed away. She had 



172 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

passed a delightful evening, she said, with her old friend. 
" Her old friend " declared that he had passed a delightful 
evening with Mrs. G. "When I casually mentioned the 
hour, they both expressed great surprise at learning how 
late it was, and remarked to each other how very short the 
evening had seemed. Thereupon I looked at Mrs. G. s 
tall friend, and wished the evening had seemed as long as 
he was. What business, I thought, had he, a married man. 
to be visiting my wife ! What if he were one of Mrs. Gray s 
old beaux ; was that any reason why he should be at Hill 
side while I was absent ? I decidedly thought not. I said 
as much, after the gentleman had retired, to Mrs. G. She 
did not exactly reply to me, but simply desired to know 
where I had been passing the evening. I was silent. 
Had I been to a meeting of the Literary Society ? she 
asked. " It would have been a good ni&lt;jht for the Trouba- 

O O 

dours, only it rained rather heavily," she added. u Or, per 
haps, Mr. Gray," she continued, " you have been calling on 
some of the young ladies in the village." 

" No, my dear," I answered, " I never leave my wife for 
the sake of visiting old sweethearts. It was business, Mrs. 
G., business, too, of an important nature, you may be 
assured, which kept me from your side this evening. 
And yon must excuse me, my love," I continued, " if I de 
cline saying anything further to-night regarding my ab 
sence from tea." Mrs. Gray replied, " Very Avell," and 
retired to the nursery. And I immediately marched into 
the library, where, seating myself at my writing-desk, I 
indited the following lines, which I gave to the black boy, 
telling him, before he went to bed, to slip them between 
the door and the sill into the chamber which the tall 
stranger occupied. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 173 

WHAT THE SULTAN DOES IN ISPAHAN. 
[BARBAROUS.] 

When the Sultan Shah-Zaman 

Goes to the city Ispahan, 

Leaving behind him ROSE-IX-BLOOM, 

Weeping within his favorite room ; 

As he passes the thirtieth palace gate, 

He yields himself to toward fate ; 

And strokes his beard, and a moment prays. 

Allah ! Bismillah ! is what he says. 

Then he counts his camels as they go by, 

Loaded with spices of Araby, 

And silks, and satins, and all things rare, 

Fit to adorn some Persian fair ; 

With vessels of silver, and vessels of gold, 

And gems and jewels of worth untold : 

For he means to purchase an hundred maids, 

Samarcand s beautiful dancing-girls, 

With moon-like bosoms and cloud-like curls, 

When the Pet of his Harem s beauty fades : 

And while he is gone to Ispahan, 

He knows twill fade, does Shah-Zaman. 

Then, ivhen the Sultan Shah-Zaman 
Readies the city Ispahan, 

He goes straightway to the mart where stand 
Slaves from many a foreign land, 
Circassian maids, and Turkish girls, 
Tartarian damsels with teeth like pearls, 
And India s daughters with jetty curls. 
There, on the ground, his carpet spread, 
He seats himself, and bows his head, 
Charmed with the sight which meets his eyes, 
And fanned by a fan of a thousand dyes : 
Gravely he smokes his narghila, 
And drinks sherbet, and shouts Allah ! 
Then chooses from the frightened throng 
The dancing-girls and the girls of song. 
That s when the Sultan Shah-Zaman 
Reaches the city Isjialian. 

Now, when I mark my neighbor start 
For the great and gay commercial mart, 



174 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

When I see him seated in the cars, 

Smoking his rarest and best cigars ; 

And view the contentment which fills his eyes, 

And the smiles that rise in lieu of sighs, 

I know as well as I know to swear, 

I know as well as I can or dare, 

That the glorious Sultan S/iah-Zainan 

Goes to the city Ispahan, 

Designing there to vary his life, 

By slyly wooing some husband s wife. 

The following morning, while seated at the breakfast- 
table, the tall gentleman mentioned having found a narrow 
slip of paper on the floor of his chamber, containing some 
lines which he had taken the liberty of reading. He 
wished, he said, that I would allow him to retain them ; he 
should like to send them to his wife after he reached the 
city. (It seemed he was on his way to New York.) He 
should like, too, to know the author s name. 

Thereupon Mrs. Gray suggested the propriety of his 
reading aloud the lines to which he referred, when, per 
haps, she would be able to give him the information he 
desired. 

Then Mrs. G. s tall friend read aloud the above lines. 
During their reading, Mrs. Gray appeared absorbed in re 
flection. Once she looked at me inquiringly, as if she ex 
pected I would assist her in determining the author, but I 
was so busily engaged with the side-bone of a chicken, on 
my plate, that she received no encouragement in the matter. 

When, however, the reading was ended, my wife re 
marked that she certainly had seen that poem, or a similar 
one, in the " Knickerbocker Magazine." Mr. Gray, she 
continued, remembered about all these things, and she had 
no doubt I could tell everything concerning them. " Is n t 

v O O 

it, Mr. G.," she added, turning to me, " in the last Knick 
erbocker ? " I replied that I thought not. " Then it is in 
one of the late Home Journals, Mr. Gray ; now is n t it ? " 
she persisted. " I have never seen it there, Mrs. G.." I 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 175 

replied. Mrs. Gray reviewed the matter again in her own 
mind. After a moment s silence, she exclaimed she was 
certain that it was in both of the publications she had men 
tioned. So she sent the black boy to the library for the 
" Knickerbocker." The lad returned with the October 
number. " Now, then, my dear," said Mrs. G., as she 
turned to the Table of Contents, " for once in your life you 
will have to allow that I am right, and that my memory is 
better than yours." " We shall see," I remarked. " So 
we shall," said my wife, and read aloud this heading, 
" Whin the Sultan goes to Ispahan. There, Mr. G.," 
exclaimed my wife, triumphantly, " are you satisfied ? " I 
was not. I pointed out the difference in the titles. Mrs. 
G. began to be slightly astonished. I read aloud the Knick 
erbocker poem. While I read, my wife grew more and 
more astonished. When I had finished, " Ah ! " she cried, 
" that, Mr. Gray, now sounds something like poetry." 

" Yes, Madam," replied the tall gentleman, " one can 
readily perceive in it true Oriental ideas ; there is a beauty 
and a finish to it, which the manuscript does not possess. 
Am I not right, Mr. Gray ? " 

1 replied, u I believe you are, sir." Then, turning to my 
wife, " My dear," I said, " what do you suppose our neighbor 
Pound thought when he saw the extra lights flaming from 
the parlor-windows last night ? " 

Mrs. Gray answered, very innocently, that she did not 
know ; but supposed he thought we had company. 

" Ah ! " exclaimed the tall personage, " if the printed lines 
are applicable to Mrs. Gray, then I fear those in manuscript 
are applicable to me." 

I said they were. Then he laughed till he nearly stran 
gled. I almost wished he had. Instead of being angry, 
and calling for his hat, and overcoat, and rubbers, and cane, 
and umbrella, and brown paper parcel, as I hoped he would, 
he seemed more at home than ever. 

It was I who got angry ; but I straightway solaced my- 



176 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

self with an extra cup of coffee. It is astonishing what 
effect coffee has on me ! It quiets my nerves ; it cools my 
blood ; it warms my heart ; it awakens my conscience ; it 
strengthens my mind ; it kindles my fancy ; and fills me 
with charity. On this occasion it had the effect of causing 
me freely to forgive the tall gentleman who had passed a 
short evening with Mrs. G. for all he had said. It caused 
me, too, immediately after we left the breakfast-room, to 
ask him to ride down to the village. As he intended leav 
ing, he said, in the ten o clock train, for " the great and gay 
commercial mart," he would accept with pleasure my invi 
tation. 

To tell the truth, I was glad to learn that he intended 
bidding good-bye to Hillside and Mrs. Gray ; besides, it 
gave me an opportunity of seeing my friends in the village. 
So when the black boy had got the horse up, he made his 
adieus, and then we departed. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 177 




CHAPTER XXX. 

Frank and his Washerwoman. " The Camp-meeting." The F. F. V. s. 
Hymns of Zion. Lord of the Treasury. The Shanghai. Gab 
riel. 

4 

friend Frank went to a camp-meeting during 
the past summer. It was under the control of 
the sable sons of Africa. I do not know why 
Frank went. I am inclined, however, to believe it was out 
of respect to his washerwoman, whose husband is a colored 
preacher, and who, doubtless, figured at the meeting afore 
said. If I had a washerwoman who owned a preacher for 
a husband, I should feel it my bounden duty to attend all 
the camp-meetings he did. Not having a washerwoman 
thus situated in life, however, I have never been to such 
meetings. Therefore, when Frank informed me that he 
had seen the whole affair, and had thereby been much edi 
fied, I requested him, in a very polite manner, after hav 
ing first invited him to partake of a bottle of Scotch ale, 
to write for me an account of the same. After many urg- 
ings and remindings on my part, accompanying the same 
with sundry bottles of ale, I obtained at last from my mod 
est friend the folloAving description which I read aloud 
to Mrs. Gray of 

THE CAMP-MEETING. 

" I heard there was a negro camp-meeting in Van s 
woods, and never having seen a sable conventicle, I deter 
mined to go. The camp was five or six miles distant, with 
a choice of two conveyances, to wit : on foot, or in the 
Shanghai stage. The Shanghai stage is a great institu- 
12 



178 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

tion ; in capacity, somewhat over Noah s ark. It plies be 
tween our village and the neighboring town, freighted with 
all sorts of animate and inanimate burdens. It is as pro 
verbial for regularity in its departures and returns as the 
town-clock. My boarding-house-keeper depends on it in 
stead of the clock, which, being around several corners, 
cannot be seen from our house, and calls us to breakfast, 
dinner, and tea, just when it goes by. Once the Shanghai 
stage broke down, and was two hours behind time ; and, 
though dinner was quite ready, yet our landlady would n t 
allow the bell to be rung till the stage came along. If that 
stage should cease running, I think our boarding-house 
would have to be closed." 

Mrs. Gray interrupted me at this point in my reading, 
by remarking that she thought my friend Frank boarded 
at the " Spread Eagle " tavern. 

I answered Mrs. G. that she was right ; " but in the height 
of the summer s travel, Frank is obliged to go into other 
quarters, so that the transient guests of the Spread Eagle 
may be accommodated." Thereupon, my wife ejaculated 
" Oh ! " and I proceeded with Frank s narrative, as fol 
lows : 

" It was at the faded end of a summer evening s twilight 

o o 

that I plunged into the unknown abyss of the Shanghai, 
heard the driver sing out All right ! from the bow of our 
craft, and went rolling through clouds of dust to the camp 
ground. The vehicle started before I had fairly gotten my 
seat ; consequently, I found myself, much to my surprise 
and secret delight, plumped bodily into the arms of half-a- 
dozen gay-hearted damsels, occupying the seat facing mine. 
The introduction being of a rather pleasant nature all 
around, I after being extricated from the entanglement 
in which I had fallen sandwiched myself between two fat 
men in my seat proper, and proceeded to prosecute with 
ardor the acquaintance thus happily commenced. I found 
the damsels were some of the F. F. V.s, (first families of 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 179 

the village,) and were bound to the camp-ground, under 
the superintendence of a solemn bachelor uncle to three 
of them, who sat with the driver, for fear of sea-sickness. 

" Considering the fact that we were going to meeting, 
we were, I think, rather lively. Wait for the Wagon 
may have been very applicable to the Shanghai, but it did 
not then, nor does it now, seem to me altogether an appro 
priate hymn with which to open the exercises. In due time, 
however, we reached the camp-ground a pretty piece of 
woods, with a stream running through one corner of it. 
The taut ensemble, as we entered the area of the camp, was 
exceedingly picturesque. Vehicles of every description, 
from the elegant carriage to the coarsest lumber-box, filled 
the outer circle. The horses were, many of them, un 
hitched from the wagons, and were either tied to neigh- 

O O 

boring trees, or else were fastened securely to the wagons 
themselves. Passing this equestrian circle, through which 
the venders of pea-nuts and candies were apparently doing 
a thriving trade with the outsiders, we came to what may 
be considered the camp proper, a collection of rough 
sheds, forming the arc of a circle, enclosed the spot where 
the exercises were held. These sheds, or tents, as the 
preachers termed them, were for the use and convenience 
of the assembly, and comprised the preachers tent, the 
sisters tent, and the kitchen and dining tents. Within this 
penetralia, seats formed with rough boards held a portion 
of the audience ; the remainder either sat on the ground, 
or else were perched amid the trees. Between these seats 
and the preachers stand was an open space, where the 
brethren could assemble for the closer exercises of a prayer- 
meeting. 

" The evening services had commenced, when the bache 
lor uncle and myself, accompanied by the light brigade of 
damsels, entered the camp-grounds. Having, after some 
difficulty, obtained desirable seats, we turned our attention 
to the novel scene about us. At least one half of the as- 



180 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

sembly was of the Caucasian race, and had come there, 
like ourselves, simply from curiosity. If any were attracted 
by a worse motive, with a desire of mocking those simple- 
hearted worshippers, AVC will trust that they who came 
to scoff, remained to pray. 

" We saw before us the long bench in the pulpit filled 
with a row of ebony St. Paul s ; one of whom was dis 
coursing to the people below. The ground was lighted by 
fires, placed at suitable intervals, and we might readily have 
imagined we beheld the turfy altars of the Druids prepared 
for sacrifice. The fitful glare of the wood fires had a weird 
effect on the swart group within the circle, interspersed 
with here and there a white face. Though we came not 
to laugh or scoff at the worshippers, yet now and then 
something would be said or done of a nature so ludicrous, 
that gravity of demeanor was, for the time, out of the 
question. Their eloquence, if not Athenian, was, at least, 
practical, direct, and simple, and seemed fully appreciated 
by the assembled audience, as their oft-repeated amens, 
and yes, brother, yes, testified. But their main reliance 
appeared to be in the singing ; and their strange hymns 
filled the wide woods, and were echoed back from the hill 
sides with wonderful distinctness. Such hymns and tunes 
as The Good Old Way, We 11 soon have clone with 
Trouble here, and Mary, ring clem bells, were the favor 
ites. The felt hat circulated freely for the odd coin of the 
spectators. Indeed, the campers seemed to rely on their 
music for obtaining the sinews of war ; and, as one dusky 
gentleman was passing around a borrowed hat in his bland 
est manner, the preacher, who was lining the hymn from 
the pulpit, suddenly stopped, and declared he would not 
sing another line until he saw a bill put into the hat. 
Whereat the hat-bearer was more pressing in his solicita 
tions ; and, some misguided youth having finally dropped 
in a counterfeit note, the singing was renewed with in 
creased spirit. When the lord of the treasury neared my 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 181 

stage acquaintances, they wished me to request the singing 
of a certain camp-ground melody. Accordingly I made 
the proposition to the purse-bearer, that I would place so 
much silver in his hand if the company would sing the 
suggested piece. With an ivory smile, that reached from 
ear, to ear, he promised it should be done. The pieces of 
silver were paid over, and, with many bows and smiles, on 
moved the dusky treasurer. For an hour or more longer, 
the preaching and exhorting continued, prayers were 
uttered and hymns sung, but my request was unattended 
to. I fbared I should not get the worth of my money, 
and I thought my fair neighbors looked on it as a bad 
investment. At last prayer-meeting was called, and I was 
about to remind my colored friend of his promise, when 
I saw him ascend the pulpit in a very dignified manner, 
and make proclamation in these words : Dear brethren 
and sisters, a dear brother in the audience has given us 
some money to sing one of the good old songs of Zion. 
You will, therefore, please to form two by two, and march 
round the camp-ground, singing, Play on the Golden 
Harp. " 

Here Mrs. Gray asked me if I thought this golden harp 
was at all like the "harp of a thousand strings," which 
had been so often rung of late ? for if it were, she should 
not care about hearing it. 

I said it was not. Then I continued : " There must have 
been fifty verses, at least, of this popular melody, of which 
the following verse is a specimen : 

" If you want to make old Satan run, 

Play on the golden harp ! 
Just shoot him with the gospel gun, 

Play on the golden harp ! 

Play on the golden harp ! play on the golden harp ! 

I want to go where Mary s gone, 

And play on the golden harp. 

" The enthusiasm of the singers went beyond description. 
They leaped and danced, and swayed their arms and bodies 



182 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

as they marched, as if they were passing through a whirl 
wind. One Herculean African required two men to hold 
him, so triumphantly was he borne along on the tide of 
song. Bass, tenor, falsetto, soprano, numbers one, two, 
three, up to a dozen, all commingled in one accord, was 
poured forth, till every leaf of the forest trembled on its 
topmost spray. The fifty verses were finally accomplished, 
and, fully satisfied with my investment, we reluctantly 
the Shanghai s driver was blowing his horn by the road 
side bade adieu to this primitive church in the woods, 
and, by a bright starlight, were again on the homeward 
road. Long after the camp-fires had disappeared, we 
heard the sound of singing, as it came rolling over the 
green meadows that intervened between us and the camp 
ground. By and by, the singing ceased, and then we in 
the Shanghai told stories, and laughed, and the solemn 
bachelor uncle reproved us, and went to sleep in his seat 
in the corner ; and just as he had got into the middle of 
his first dream, the driver tooted on his great tin horn, 
which so frightened our uncle, that he suddenly awoke, 
and, rising on his feet, asked where was Gabriel. There 
upon his nieces, and all in the Shanghai, laughed at him ; 
and then, much elated, we drove into the village." 

When I had finished reading the above account, Mrs. 
Gray asked me if I knew who were the young damsels 
referred to. I told her I did not, but doubtless she could 
learn their names by inquiring of my friend Frank. 

Thereupon Mrs G. said, that if I thought she were going 
to spend her time asking any such question of my bache 
lor friend, I was much mistaken, as she would not do it 
for all the damsels in creation, and that, for her part, she 
did n t care the least bit in the world who they were. And 
then Mrs. Gray s needle flew faster than ever. Neverthe 
less, I think my wife would like very well to know the 
names of those same young ladies ; therefore I have made 
a note in my memorandum-book to examine Frank on the 
subject. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 183 




CHAPTER XXXI. 

Fishing. Gunning. Fiddling. Gardening. Walking in the Gar 
den. Invent a Table. Its Shape. Its Legs. Its Magic Spring. 
An Ugly Trick. Thanksgiving Dinner. "A Bachelor s Bacchanal 
Lyric^ Anacreontic. Our Mahogany. After Dinner. 

RS. GRAY is desirous that I should totally give 
up troubadouring and circus-going, and devote my 
time henceforth to some employment more profit 
able to my purse. Somehow, though, nothing exactly " the 
thing " has turned up for me to do. I engaged in fishing, 
but without any great success. I thought this might be 
owing to the style of hook I used ; so I consulted an old 
fisherman in the matter. He agreed with me, and very 
kindly advised me to try a new hook one with a Limer 
ick point and an O Shaughnessy bend. I purchased five 
hundred of them, at an exceedingly high figure, and after 
wards gave them all a faithful trial, but, I am sorry to say, 
with no apparent improvement in my success as a fisher 
man. Thereupon I gave up fishing, and took to gunning. 
I pursued this sport effectually, but never, I am happy to 
state, caused the death of any bird or animal. Once, how 
ever, I came very near to shooting a squirrel a gray 
squirrel, with a bushy tail. My shot struck the limb of a 
tree, just one moment after he had left it. 

When I narrated this circumstance to Mrs. Gray, she 
said she was very thankful that the squirrel escaped ; and 
she trusted that I would no more follow the cruel business 
of gunning. So, to please my estimable wife, who is tender 
hearted, I disposed of my gun, and bought with the pro 
ceeds a violin. I had often heard Mrs. Gray speak admir- 



184 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

ingly of Ole Bull and Vieuxtemps, whose concerts she had 
attended when at boarding-school, and I thought of the 
pleasure she would derive in listening, through the long 
winter evenings, to my playing. Besides, I thought it 
would serve to quiet and amuse the children ; and, more 
over, I trusted that it would prove a source of comfort to 
me. When I brought the violin home, tied up in a green 
bag, and laid it at Mrs. Gray s feet, she was slightly aston 
ished. She wished to know what I intended to do with it. 
I answered that I intended to play on it. She asked if I 
was acquainted with the use of the instrument. I replied 
that I was not, but that I could soon introduce myself to 
it. Then I endeavored to play a certain air, that I used 
to sing to my excellent wife in our courtship-days, but 
without accomplishing my purpose. In fact, I rather made 
a failure of it. I believe I sadly frightened the baby by 
the discordant noise I drew forth, for he set up a painful 
cry. Mrs. Gray begged me to desist, and said that I needed 
" practice " before I could succeed as a player. So I gave 
for several weeks my whole mind to the instrument, prac 
tising in private, in my own apartment at the top of the 
house, till at last I ventured to play " Days of Absence " in 
Mrs. Gray s presence. She was very much affected by it, 
and remarked that she had never heard Ole Bull play like 
it. And I do not believe that she ever had. I think that 
in time I should have been able to play Yankee Doodle, for 
I practised it incessantly, but, unfortunately, the music 
gave Mrs. Gray the headache ; so I, just as I began to 
be able to play an air through, hung up the fiddle and 
the bow, and turned my attention to gardening. So I 
went to work and planted various kinds of seeds. Then I 
watered the garden every day, if there were no rains. I con 
trived, also, an awning to shade it, which I could draw over 
it when the sun shone too hotly ; and then I waited very 
patiently for the seeds to germinate and the green leaves 
to put forth. After a while the plants, etc., came on. They 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 185 

came on, indeed, finely. My wife and myself found much 
pleasure in watching them. Day by day they progressed. 
At last my wife, the baby, the nurse and I, took a walk 
together in the garden. We went for the purpose of ascer 
taining the names of our garden s productions. An alpha 
betically arranged catalogue of plants, vegetables, etc., I 
carried opened in my hand. By the aid of this valuable 
book I learned the names of all the green things contained 
in the garden. I discovered that the ornamental and the 
useful were strangely united. Flowers and vegetables 
grew side by side. Out of a mass of mignonette the slen 
der top of an onion appeared ; potatoes and poppies were 
mingled together ; roses and radishes were inseparable ; 
tulips and tomatoes were united forever ; and peas, peonies, 
and petunias were preeminently perceivable. In short, 
our garden was clearly overstocked. It never produced 
anything, either in the flower or vegetable line. And so 
one day, most unexpectedly to us, it went to seed. 

It being summer, and the weather quite warm, I kept 
myself, most of the time, in the house. I thought deeply 
upon a great many things. I pondered upon the steam- 
engine ; I revolved in my mind the mechanism of the 
printing-press, and I wondered at the construction of the 
cider-mill. Then I set to work and invented a dining- 
table, in the form of St. George s Cross, that I " rather 
calculated " would prove the means of adding to my pecu 
niary resources ; but, strangely enough, the sale of it was 
quite limited. A tailor, a friend of mine, to whom I was 
slightly indebted for sundry articles of clothing, was my 
sole purchaser ; and he, I think, took one out of sympathy 
for the table, which had twelve legs, and, what was a little 
curious, they folded together under the body of the table, 
if a certain spring, situated on the surface of it, near the 
centre, was ever so lightly touched. Mrs. Gray objected 
to the table on account of the quantity of legs it possessed ; 
but I thought this unfair both towards the inventor and 



186 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

the table itself. I said as much to Mrs. Gray, but she, 
nevertheless, refused either to withdraw the offensive ob 
servation or to apologize for uttering it. Another little 
objection which my esteemed wife raised against my table 
a la St. George, which objection, well founded I must 
confess, proved ruinous to the sale of my patent right, 
was, that it possessed an ugly trick of folding itself up in 
the twinkling of an eye, while my family and myself 
were seated around it, if a dish was, through accident 

O 

or carelessness, placed on the magic spring, and straight 
way depositing our entire dinner, or whatever the meal 
might be, upon the floor. I will do my amiable wife the 
justice to say she endured this little mischance several 
times without finding any very great fault with the con 
struction of the table ; but after it had broken, by this 
doubling-up process, three distinct china dinner-sets, and 
crowned its ill-mannered conduct by collapsing on the oc 
casion of the parson taking tea with us, and thereby breaking 
certain ancient pieces of antique china family heirlooms, 
descended from my wife s great-grandmother, Mrs. Gray 
denounced its acts, and exiled it forever from the dining- 
room, greatly to my dismay and sorrow. Then, for a while, 
I became low-spirited, and took to reading Burton s "Anat 
omy of Melancholy." I was only restored to comparative 
cheerfulness, however, by the arrival of Thanksgiving-clay. 
I will simply state, in regard to the Thanksgiving-dinner, 
that it was of the New-England pattern, stuffed with tur 
keys, and mince-pies, and other delicacies of the season 
Furthermore, after the cloth was removed, one of Mrs. 
Gray s best damask ones, which she keeps in a drawer 
redolent with lemons, a bottle of Longworth s sparkling 
Catawba was placed upon the mahogany, and partaken spar 
ingly of by Mrs. Gray, but liberally by myself. It was 
while imbibing this wine, and during the intervals of rest 
my nut-cracker enjoyed, that I composed the following 
verses, afterwards published in " The Wine Press " : 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 187 

A BACHELOR S BACCHANAL LYRIC. 

Come, oh ! come, my well-beloved, 

"With me to that sunny clime, 
Where the purple grapes are blushing 

Midst the olive and the lime. 

There, among the merry viners, 

In the vineyards we will walk, 
Grapes in large and luscious clusters 

I will eat, while you may talk. 

You may tell me sweetest story, 

Either love or fairy tale, 
Till we reach the vineyard s limits, 

Till my appetite shall fail. 

Seated then within the shadow 

Of an overarching vine, 
You may sing me festal lyrics, 

While I quaff the ruby wine : 

Wine of rare and olden vintage, 

Worth its weight in precious gems, 

For a pipe of which would princes 
Sacrifice their diadems. 

Like a Bacchus I will gayly 

Overflowing beakers drain, 
Whilst the light guitar you finger, 

Waking many a dulcet strain. 

You may crown my brows with roses, 

Mixed with leaflets of the vine, 
While your health, in flowing numbers, 

I will drink in cups of wine. 

In a cup Cellini modelled, 

From a mass of virgin gold ; 
Oh ! a cup by such a master 

Only wine like this should hold ! 

More than blest, my well-beloved, 
You would find your future life, 



188 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

Blest now, while you are a maiden, 
Blest when you become a wife. 

Do you ask the why and wherefore ? 

You are careless of your bliss ! 
Know you not you must be blessed, 

Toasted thus in wine like this ! 

There, my fairest, seated by me, 
You may brim my cup with wine, 

Till, the golden flagon emptied, 
I shall deem myself divine. 

Deem myself a godlike hero, 

Braver than earth s bravest ones, 
While I quaff the blood of vineyards, 

Warmed to life by fiery suns. 

You may tempt me, too, with olives, 

Squeeze for me the juiciest limes, 
Spread my board with figs and melons, 

When the bell for vesper chimes. 

Let us hasten, then, beloved, 

To that fair and sunny land, 
Where, mong vines and olive orchards, 

We may wander hand in hand. 

After reading this lyric to Mrs. Gray, I asked her if she 
did not think it highly anacreontic. She confessed her 
ignorance of the term used, but added that she thought it 
very pretty. And with this praise from Mrs. G. I was well 
contented. 

No one could enjoy more than I did my Thanksgiving- 
dinner. But it was after the good things of the feast had 
disappeared, and while yet my wife and I were seated 
around the mahogany, that my enjoyment reached its flood. 
And here let me speak of our mahogany, which has wit 
nessed the festive gatherings of my family for generations 
past. Rather an antique affair it is, with carved feet and 
rounded corners, but grand, massive, and substantial, like 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 189 

my brave ancestors sea-kings who in days of yore 
stretched longer, and stouter, and comelier legs than are 
mine, beneath its leaves. I am pleased to be able to state 
that it came to this country, not in the " Mayflower," as 
did the larger portion of the old furniture found in the 
New-England States, but it reached our shores in company 
with Sir Walter Raleigh s colony, and after passing a cen 
tury at Roanoke and in its immediate neighborhood, trav 
elled north, till it found itself one day, much to its surprise 
and indignation, among my Quaker ancestors, on the island 
of Xantticket. 

At least, this is the account with which I favored my too 
credulous wife on Thanksgiving evening, when she asked 
for its history. Of course I could not substantiate my 
statement by positive proofs, but I am happy to say that 
my simple assertion to this effect appeared perfectly satis 
factory to Mrs. Gray. And why, in the name of all old- 
fashioned furniture, I wonder, should it not, when never 
a splinter of any, said to have been brought hither in 
the " Mayflower," has anybody ever dared to call in ques 
tion? 

Perhaps it was from the many pleasing associations con 
nected with this ancient table, brought forcibly to my mind 
through my wife s inquiry, that my enjoyment arose. Per 
haps my Catawba wine had something to do with it Per 
haps the prattle of my two children ; or, more likely than 
aught else, as being the cause of my deep enjoyment, that 
mother s trusting look turned on me, the sweet tones of her 
voice as they fell on my ear, and the gentle pressure of her 
hand in mine. Perhaps it was but why weary myself 
with conjectures ? Enough that I was happy. And so, 
with the fire blazing on the hearth, the shadows dancing 
on the wall, the wine sparkling in my glass, the dark ma 
hogany glowing with the heat, the little one playing on the 
rug at its mother s feet, and my precious wife, with her 
hand resting on my arm, beside me, singing me songs or 



190 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

listening to my idle tales, did Thanksgiving night close 
around us. 

Before the fire smouldered on the hearth, or the wine 
had lost its flavor, the midnight came, and I, at peace with 
all mankind, bade Thanksgiving-day good-bye. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 191 




CHAPTER XXXII. 

An Original Remark. " The Married Man s Plaint." Mrs. Gray s Opin 
ion of it. My Defence. Pranks of the Black Boy. About the Cir 
cus. The Black Boy s Accident. 

S. GRAY," I said one morning, while I still 
lingered at the breakfast-table, though she, seated 
in a rocking-chair near by, was selecting some work 
from her basket, " if you will allow me, I will read you some 
verses which were sent to me a few days since." " Verses ! 
exclaimed my wife ; " who, I would like to know, has been 
sending you, Mr. Gray, verses ? I should as soon think of 
sending a cargo of ice to the inhabitants about the north 
pole." 

That this was an entirely original remark of my wife s, 
I am perfectly satisfied ; for when I added " or coals to 
Newcastle," she said that, as to that matter, she could not 
say, not being well informed as regarded the coal business 
in that town. 

When I attempted to explain the matter to her, she 
remarked that she had rather I would not, for she was 
anxious to hear the verses to which I alluded. " But you 
did not," she continued, " answer my question as to who 
sent them." 

" Nor can I," I replied, " simply for the reason that I do 
not know. They came to me through the post-office, en 
closed in an envelope, without the name of their author, 
or any clue whereby I could trace their parentage. I am 
inclined to believe, however, that the editor of the Star- 
Spangled Banner knows of their existence, and sent them 
to me in exchange for my verses written for him." 



192 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

" But do you think he wrote them, Mr. Gray ? " asked 
my wife. 

"Not he," I replied; " though it were easy for some one 
else to write them for him. If he thinks they are in the 
least applicable to me, I would assure him he is much mis 
taken. But you shall hear the verses, and then you can 
the better judge as to their applicability." So I read aloud 

THE MARRIED MAN S PLAINT. 

In days of yore, when I was gay, 

And careless, free, and single, 
Of many friends, each festal day, 

I chose with whom to mingle. 
They all were glad to have me come, 

I d scores of invitations. 
And little rose to keep me home 

Among my poor relations. 

I knew who brewed the strongest punch ; 

I knew whose wines were rarest ; 
I cared but little for their lunch, 

Nor who had maids the fairest. 
I went where Bacchus would have gone, 

I felt it was my duty, 
I feared the rosy god would mourn, 

Should I leave him for beauty. 

But now, when wife and I, to dine, 

Politely are invited, 
I dare not ask about the wine, 

But go, though quite benighted. 
And we must dress in festive guise : 

My wife in silks and feathers ; 
While I the tears oppress my eyes 

With feet in patent leathers. 

I cared not once a whiff of smoke 

About my gloves or collars, 
Nor felt the weight of fashion s yoke, 

Nor measured men by dollars. 



MY MARRIED LIFE A T HILLSIDE. 198 

I wore then coats of easy fit, 

My tailor was most clever, 
And never pinched me in a bit : 

To suit was his endeavor. 

I used to dine with men of mind, 

With others who were funny, 
And those who d share with all mankind 

Their dinners and their money. 
We talked of authors, old and new ; 

We criticized the critics ; 
We re-reviewed the last review, 
4 And praised our friend s " Prismatics." 

We sometimes pledged a poet s health 

In overflowing glasses ; 
But ne er unless the maid had wealth 

Would stoop to pledge the lasses. 
We never mentioned love nor wife ; 

Nor dreamed of baby faces ; 
Nor thought we d mid our paths in life 

Strewn thick with bows and laces. 

We scarcely knew what marriage meant ; 

Knew naught of bills for bonnets ; 
And thought the bills physicians sent 

Were similar to sonnets. 
(I found this trifling error out 

While Master Bob was creeping : 
For t was the doctor s bill, no doubt, 

Which kept me nights from sleeping.) 

We used to drink good liquor then, 

And tell some clever stories ; 
We were, I think, the best of men, 

And fresh as morning-glories. 
We knew full well where lemons grew, 

What sugars were the sweetest, 
And how great bowls of punch to brew, 

In just a way the neatest. 

We could strike up a lively air 
At proper times and places : 
13 



194 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

" Crambambuli," with " Sweet and Fair," 

And " Drink, ye Solemn Faces ! " 
Champagne from cider we could tell ; 

Esteemed a glass of brandy, 

Nor called for water from the well, 

If something else were handy. 

No one e er asked me where I d been, 

"When late abroad I tarried ; 
Nor rose from bed to let me in, 

For then I was n t married. 
I bought a latch-key for my use, 

Latch-keys are great inventions, 
I gave it up I was a goose ! 

To show my good intentions. 

But things have changed since days of yore : 

I have a wife to chide me, 
A boy who tumbles on the floor, 

And one sweet girl beside me ; 
I mark the hairs, amidst my beard, 

Which Father Time is growing ; 
I told my wife the gray appeared 

Full ripe enough for mowing. 

A few brief years, perhaps, may pass, 

Before old Time comes reaping ; 
Till then I 11 slyly drain my glass, 

And laugh instead of weeping. 
I know my wild oats all are sown, 

My friendly comrades banished, 
And I, alas ! am forced to own 

My jovial days are vanished. 

The shadows lengthen on my path ; 

The sunset is approaching ; 
While I, about the household hearth, 

Some idle tales am broaching. 
Perhaps, if I should reach threescore, 

Could death so long be parried, 
I might forget the days of yore, 

And bless the day I married. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 195 

When I finished reading the above, Mrs. Gray said they 
were scandalous, and that the author, whoever he were, 
ought to be ashamed of them. 

" To think," continued my wife, as she placed her hand 
trustingly in mine, " to think that any man, possessing a 
heart, would write such naughty verses, is scarcely credita 
ble. Believe me, my dear, no father, or even husband, 
could write thus ; only some disappointed bachelor who, 
after all, is more to be pitied than scorned could have 
composed these lines. What ! " and here Mrs. G. dropped 
from hej; hands the little white merino robe she was em 
broidering, and, rising from her chair, walked to and fro 
the room, " what ! can any man prefer, to the pure com 
panionship of woman, the society of the bottle and those 
who pass it ! I cannot believe it ; for sweet humanity s 
sake, I would not believe it, if I could." And thereupon 
Mrs. Gray paused in her speech and walk, as if desirous 
of having me make a reply ; but as I remained silent, lost 
in admiration of my wife s remarks, she continued, " The 
vein of humor that runs through the verses by no means 
balances the evil they inculcate. They wrong man s no 
bility ; they grievously wrong woman s devotedness and 
affection." 

" But," I rejoined, " they were, doubtless, written in jest." 

" Neither in jest nor earnest should they have been writ 
ten," exclaimed Mrs. G. 

" Besides," I added, not heeding my wife s interruption, 
" there are, you must allow, some good things in them." 
Mrs. G. said " No." " They point out some of the fol 
lies of life ; they call forth our smiles ; they even are, in 
some slight degree, pathetic ; and, in spite of ourselves, we 
feel our sympathies enlisted in behalf of the sufferer." 
" Nonsense ! " ejaculated my wife. " And," I continued, 
" they even inculcate a moral." 

" What moral, Mr. Gray, I should like to know," asked 
Mrs. G., somewhat incredulously, " do they inculcate ? " 



196 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

" That," I replied, " of leaving well enough alone." 

" Pshaw ! " exclaimed my wife ; and resuming her seat 
and work, she plied her needle industriously in forming a 
white rose-bud out of floss. 

After a while, my wife remaining silent, and apparently 
giving all her mind to the formation of rose-buds, I con 
cluded to drive to the village ; so I rang the bell for the 
black boy. The sable youth, however, did not come. At 
last I asked Mrs. Gray if she knew where he was ? She 
replied that she did not, but added, " He is, doubtless, 
engaged in some act of mischief, as usual. Every day he 
grows worse. I don t think I can much longer put up 
with that child s actions. I fear, Mr. G., you will have to 
send him away from Hillside. I am half inclined to think 
he is slightly demented ; for latterly he has kept himself, 
during his spare time, literally turned upside-doAvn. If 
he goes to the well, he holds the pail by his teeth, and rolls 
over and over, like a cart-wheel without tire or felloes. He 
frightens the cook in the kitchen, by standing on his head 
on the table for minutes together, till his face changes from 
black to purple, and his eyes roll fearfully. He watches 
his opportunity, too, and, slipping into the nursery while 
the maid is absent, wakes the baby from the soundest of 
naps, and then amuses him by walking around the chamber 
on his hands, with his feet elevated in the air. Yesterday, 
while my cousin, Mrs. Day, and Mrs. Judge Chitty, were 
calling, I heard a knock at the parlor-door, and, supposing 
it to be Nora, with the baby to show to the ladies, I opened 
it, when, to my fright and mortification, in fell Master Black 
Boy, feet first. When, after my friends departed, I called 
him to me, and inquired what he meant by such conduct, 
he replied he meant nothin, but he guessed he was an 
India-rubber boy. His answer quite puzzled me, and I 
resolved to ask yoti its meaning." 

I told Mrs. G. I was as much in the dark as she regard 
ing it. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 197 

" I forgot to say," added my wife, " that he has been full 
of these pranks ever since the night it rained so hard, and 
you and he remained so late in the village, on particular 
business. " 

; The evening," I remarked, " your tall friend passed with 
you ? " 

" The same," she answered. 

" Ah ! well, really," I stammered, " I can t imagine what 
could have brought on him such an attack of eccentricity." 

" What kind of an attack did you mention, Mr. Gray ? " 
inquirecWny wife. 

" Eccentricity," I repeated ; " for I can imagine nothing 
more eccentric than standing on one s head." 

" True, Mr. G.," said my wife ; " but have I not heard of 
a class of persons who make their living by performing 
such eccentric acts ? " 

I knew then that Mrs. Gray had, somehow, learned about 
the circus ; but I merely answered, " Possibly : I believe 
the Ravels are addicted to something of that nature." 

" No," she answered, " the Ravels are celebrated artists, 
men of genius, and not to be placed on a level with 
circus-riders." 

Well, then," I remarked, " it must be the circus-riders 
themselves of whom you have just spoken." 

Mrs. Gray bit her lips, but said not a word. 

I am often surprised, my dear," I continued, " at your 
uncommon quickness. No\v, I should, doubtless, have 
puzzled my brains, for a whole day at least, striving to 
think of the particular class of persons you asked about, 
when, seemingly without any exertion of mind on your part, 
pop just like a cork out of a champagne bottle comes 
forth the very name, from your own mouth, of which you 
were asking me. The thing is wonderful, my dear, 
wonderful." 

" Mr. Gray," said my estimable spouse, striving hard to 



398 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

keep back the smiles from her lips, "you are an ex 
tremely provoking man, and, more than this, you go to 
circuses." 

" Occasionally," I replied, " once in twenty years." 

" But you take the black boy there," she said, " and he 
comes home with his mind filled with somersaults, and 
tight-ropes, and India-rubber boys, and what not ; so that 
t will be months ere he forgets these things, and during all 
that time he 11 keep the whole house, as well as himself, 
upside-down." 

Mrs. Gray had evidently mounted a somewhat spirited 
horse, and was riding around the ring full tilt. I managed, 
however, to say, while she drew rein a moment to breathe 
her charger, that I did not take him there, but he " hooked " 
in under the canvas. Mrs. G., though, paid no attention 
to my remark, and, starting afresh, said, " There was 
that cymbal business : he nearly drove me distracted, and 
kept the baby awake, for hours together, with the noise he 
made practising on them, so that he might accompany that 
atrocious band of Troubadours in its nocturnal wanderings. 
I suppose" Here Mrs. Gray, who was walking the 
room, suddenly paused, and said that, if I wanted the black 
boy, I had better call him, as she could see him, she thought, 
among the trees in the orchard. 

Glad of an excuse to take my departure, under the plea 
that the lad was too far distant to hear my call, I seized my 
hat and left the house. It was very lucky for him re 
garding the affair through my near-sighted and contracted 
vision that I did so, for, had a few more moments elapsed, 
doing " chores " about Hillside would no longer have been 
the black boy s occupation. " For how," as I said to Mrs. 
Gray, in narrating the occurrence to her, in answer to her 
inquiry of Why not ? " " for how could a black boy, who, 
accidentally, had hung himself," " Hung himself ! " ex 
claimed my wife, greatly horrified, " yes, hung himself," 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 199 

I repeated, " until quite dead, have done any more chores 
about Hillside ? " " But he is not dead, Mr. G. ? " my wife 
said, interrogatively. 

" No," I replied ; " but he doubtless would have been, 
had a few more seconds elapsed in my reaching him. The 
little rascal, my dear," I continued, " in trying to perform 
some feat he had witnessed at the circus, suspending him 
self by the chin with a piece of rope attached to a limb of 
an apple-tree, thereby making a pendulum of his body, in 
some way managed to get the rope twisted about his neck, 
and ther e, when I came up, he was, dangling in the air. So 
I immediately proceeded to cut him down, not being desir 
ous of having a deceased black boy on my hands." 

The individual alluded to, who had stood by my side 
while I was narrating this occurrence, shaking as if he had 
the ague, and looking several shades whiter than ever 
before, exclaimed, " I reckon, Mister Gray, I s glad myself 
that you come along ; and so, when I tell her of it, will be 
dis child s mother." And the tears stood in his eyes, and 
the big drops rolled down his dusky cheeks, as he thought 
of his mother. And tears stood, too, in Mrs. Gray s eyes, 
and in the old soldier s eyes ; and then the cook, taking 
him under her especial protection, carried him in her arms 
though he loudly protested, and exclaimed he could walk 
there ; and, as he had walked from the orchard to the house 
with me, I think he could have accomplished it to the 
kitchen, where she fed him with several large pieces, each, 
of mince and pumpkin pie, and then made him bathe his 
feet and go to bed. 

In justice to the black boy, I must say that his appetite 
appeared cmite as good, if not better, than usual, and that 
he said going to bed it was about eleven o clock A. AI. 
was a good deal nonsensical. The cook, however, a very 
determined woman, persevered, and had her way in the 
matter ; though the boy got up at dinner-time with a re 
newed and improved appetite. 



200 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

Mrs. Gray says that the " accident " in speaking of the 
occurrence, she calls it " the little black boy s accident " 
has had the good effect of causing the child to give up 
practising circus-tricks, and she hopes, too, it will prove a 
lesson to me not to attend any more circuses. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 201 




CHAPTER XXXIII. 

Cold Meats. Mrs. Gray s Opinion of Christmas. Its Antiquity. My 
Astonishment. A Delightful Book. Christmas Eve. Santa Claus s 
Visit. The Old Fathers. Christmas Day. 

I ROM Thanksgiving night to Christmas eve is little 
more than a span. The former day is but the 
forerunner of the latter, and the mince-pies and 
roasted pig of the Thanksgiving dinner, if you have any 
remaining on hand, will answer to warm up for the Christ 
mas feast." I uttered these words to Mrs. Gray as we sat, 
Christmas eve, beside the round table in the library, 
she engaged in doing a butterfly with colored silk floss, on 
a circular piece of white satin, and I looking over the 
photographs illustrative of the Miles Standish poem. In 
reply to my remark, my wife simply ejaculated, " How 
absurd ! " 

What is absurd?" I asked; "the style of butterfly 
which you are embroidering ? " 

" Mr. Gray," answered my crinoline half, regarding me 
somewhat sternly, "it is a bouquet, and not a butterfly, 
which I am working ; and I cried how absurd ! in regard 

~ O 

to your speech. Don t you know, Mr. Gray, that Christmas 
is a much older and holier festival than Thankso-ivin&lt;j ; 

o ~ 

and that it would be almost sacrilegious to permit the cold 
meats of the one to do service at the festal board of the 
other?" 

" Older, Mrs. Gray ! " I asked, with an incredulous tone 
" are n t you mistaken ? I thought that Thanksgiving day 
was as old as Plymouth Rock itself, or, at least, as old as 
the Pilgrims who landed upon it." 



202 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

" But Christmas, Mr. Gray, is still older." 

" What ! older than the Pilgrims, my dear ! " I ex 
claimed. "Older than the eleventh of December, 1G20, 
old style ! Our New-England friends will not believe that, 
Mrs. Gray." 

" You are too absurd, Mr. Gray. You know as well as 
I do that Christmas day is as old as Anno Domini, and 
neither more nor less." 

I simply laughed in reply, for I was not certain that Mrs. 
Gray was in error, and I resolved to satisfy myself before 
answering. 

" Oh ! you may laugh, my dear," she added : " but you 
know it is so." 

And as I did not deny it, our conversation came to a 
break, and stood still for a while. 

" What a delightful book this is ! " I at last remarked, as 
I turned over its cream-colored leaves containing the de 
scriptive text. " These photographs, my dear, are admi 
rable," 

" Yes," lisped Mrs. Gray, in a school-girlish way. 

" Yes," I replied, pleasantly ; " and this courtship scene, 
my dear, (showing it to her,) reminds me of a similar oc 
currence between ourselves." 

" It is pretty and suggestive," my wife answered. 

" It is more than that, my dear ; it is very truthful," I 
remarked. 

" Perhaps it is," she replied ; and then followed a little 
sigh from Mrs. Gray, a smile from me, and straightway 
the book was closed and the embroidery laid aside, while 
Mrs. G., bringing her little chair nearer to mine, laid her 
hand confidingly on my arm, and I, in low, sweet tones, 
spoke of the Christmas eves of long ago, and of one not 
so distant wherein I wooed and won her. 

By and by my wife said, " It is time that Santa Claus 
should fill the children s stockings." So, rising from her 
chair, she proceeded to the closet and presently came back 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 203 

bearing a basket containing toys and confectioneries, which 
she placed upon the table. " Now, be quiet, my dear," she 
said, as I reached forward to take her hand, " and content 
yourself with looking at Santa Glaus." 

So I was quiet ; and while watching Santa Glaus, it struck 
metis being odd that the old saint should appear wearing a 
head-dress, hoops, and a pair of gaiter-boots, but I said 
nothing, and Santa Glaus proceeded to fill a pair of brief, 
red worsted stockings, till they were stuffed so full that 
they looked like very badly-shaped little legs that had 
been exposed to the cold ; a tiny pair of white cotton 
socks the baby s were also filled, and then both were 
duly hung beside the wide-mouthed fireplace. * But whose," 
exclaimed Santa Clans, taking up a pair of larger and 
yarnier ones, are these, Mr. Gray ? " 

" I do not know," I answered ; " perhaps they belong to 
the little black boy. lie was in here not long since, and 
asked me if I thought Santa Glaus would come down the 
library chimney. As I told him I thought that he would, 
it is probable they belong to the black boy." 

" They appear to be too large for the little black boy, 
are n t they yours, Mr. Gray ? " 

Before I had time to reply, the library door was opened 
a trifle, and the little black boy s voice exclaimed, * Them 
stockings, if you please, Santa Glaus, is mine, and no Mis 
ter Gray s ; " and immediately the door was closed, and the 
black boy s feet pattered through the hall. 

" Well, I declare," said Santa Glaus, " that is a saucy 
little black boy of yours, Mr. Gray ; but I suppose I shall 
have to fill his stocking ; will you assist me, sir ? " 

Straightway I produced, from under the table, enclosed 
in the identical green bag which it wore when I laid it at 
Mrs. Gray s feet, the fiddle which used to give my wife 
the headache. 

" Just the thing ! " said Santa Glaus, " only we can t get 
it into these colored stockings ; but we 11 hang it beside 



204 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

them, and place this red morocco porte-monnaie in one 
stocking, and some candies in the other." There was a 

o 

subdued chuckle outside the library door, and immediately 
a pair of colored feet pattered down the hall again. Santa 
Claus paused and listened, shook her head, and then came 
and sat down in the chair beside me. 

Softly and silently Christmas eve faded away, and Christ 
mas morning brightly arose. Mrs. Gray and I, as a matter 
of course, attended service at the church in the forenoon. 
I am happy to be able to state that I went there purely 
from principle. I fear, however, Mrs. G. went simply be 
cause it was becoming so to do, and, moreover, was ex 
pected of her. I think Mrs. Gray was afraid I would 
wander off to the village before church-time, and thereby 
fail to drive her, wrapped in buffalo robes, to the sanctuary. 
To prevent such " meandering " on my part, she suggested, 
immediately after breakfast, the propriety of rny examin 
ing carefully what the " Old Fathers," of the first and sec 
ond centuries, had to say concerning Christmas. To please 
Mrs. Gray, I did so. I posted myself, to a limited extent, 
in the matter. In the midst of my investigation my wife 
informed me that it was time to start for church, and the 
horse and sleigh were in readiness. So I put on my over 
coat and hat, and went towards the door. Mrs. Gray, how 
ever, stopped me in front of the bow-window, to scrutinize 
my dress, for the reason, she said, that it was Christmas, 
and she wanted me to appear neatly. 

I replied to Mrs. G. I was very well aware it was 
Christmas ; and did she know, I continued, that Jerome, 
one of the early writers, speaks of " the ancient and uni 
versal tradition concerning the observance of this fes 
tival?" 

Mrs. Gray said she did not ; but, doubtless, Jerome was 
correct in what he wrote. 

" Yes," I added, quoting almost verbatim from the volume 
I had been reading, " though the direct evidence of the 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 205 

keeping of this festival in the first century is less than that 
of many others, still there is every reason to believe that it 
is primitive, if not Apostolic, and that, with few exceptions, 
it has always been observed on the 25th day of December, 
and consequently it is older, as you remarked last evening, 
than Thanksgiving-day." 

I think I slightly astonished my estimable wife when J 
made the above remark, though she said nothing, but em 
ployed herself, during my utterance of it, in picking off a 
few white shreds clinging to my coat, and at the same time 
took the somewhat unnecessary trouble of retying my 
cravat in a more fashionable knot than I had tied it, 
and also placed my hat at a little different angle on my 
head. 

Then Mrs. G. desired me to look at her, and tell her 
what I thought. And my wife walked majestically across 
the room. So I told Mrs. Gray my thought was of Angus- 
tin, Bishop of Hippo, another of the early fathers ; and was 
going on to quote from his writings, but my wife said she 
wished not to hear anything more about him ; besides, she 
did n t believe there had ever existed such a person as the 
" Bishop of Hypo." 

" Hippo," I said, " not Hypo ; " and offered to go for 
the book containing my authority, but Mrs. Gray replied, 
" Never mind ; " and added, " Now do, my dear, tell me if 
I appear to advantage, and let me know what you think of 
me." 

Thereupon my wife walked majestically back again. 

To speak the truth, I was very much struck by Mrs. 
Gray s appearance. She had gotten herself up with good 
taste, velvets and laces, feathers and furs, and all that 
sort of thing ; besides, she looked charmingly, and had, 
altogether, a Christmas air, as if she actually saw the star 
in the East. She seemed to be, too, surrounded by delicate 
perfumes, as odorous as the frankincense and myrrh of the 
wise men. 



206 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

I said as much in my reply to my wife, who straight 
way shook her head at me, and termed me a. flat 
terer," together with other undeserved epithets of a like 
nature. 

When I drew on my gloves, she begged of me, as a par 
ticular favor, not to take them off while in church, for the 
reason, she said, that to do so was not fashionable. What 
fashion-plate Mrs. Gray has been studying to learn this, I 
do not know. The when and where she obtains her knowl 
edge of many matters, greatly puzzles me to tell. Hereto 
fore I have had no rule to guide me in wearin^ mv gloves. 

O tJ &lt;" O 

I took them off and put them on as my fancy or desires 
prompted. But now, having learned it is fashionable not 
to unglove in church, I shall on no account violate the fash 
ion. Not that I myself care aught about it, but I shall 
wear them simply to please Mrs. Gray. As a general rule, 
I like to please my wife, and am accustomed to adopt in 
my dress and manners any little additions or improvements 
it may please her to suggest. I interfere very little with 
her adornment of my person. If she chooses to tie a red 
ribbon about my hat, or a blue ribbon in my button-hole, I 
never object to her doing so. If she should say to me, 
" Mr. Gray, I should like to have you walk Spanish this 
morning ; " or, " You will oblige me by sitting in the Turk 
ish style this evening," I would endeavor, so far as possible, 
to accommodate my estimable spouse in the matter. It is 
something of very small moment to me how I am attired, 
or walk, or sit. To have Mrs. Gray satisfied, and kept in 
a pleasant humor, is what I particularly aim at. Of course 
I have an object in this. I confess I am not entirely 
unselfish. I have discovered that my morning cup of 
coffee, in its different degrees of excellence, is governed 
entirely by the gradations of happiness which fill my wife s 
heart. To keep, then, my coffee up to the standard of 
the first cup, (made for me by Mrs. G.,) in point of ex 
quisite flavor, is one of the great objects of my life, and 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 207 

often influences me to yield to many of Mrs. Gray s 
whims. 

And so, while turning over the glove business in my 
mind, I deposited Mrs. Gray within the sleigh, and, seating 
myself beside her, proceeded towards the village. 



208 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER XXXIV. 

Going to Church. My Erudition. Moslems and Mosques. Chateaux. 
At the " Arbor." Race with the Parson. The Wrong Pew. 
Mrs. G. s Presence of Mind. Greens. More Learning. Geoffrey 
Crayon. Chancel-Windows. Memory. Change of Subject. Ail 
Untold Anecdote. 

HILE on our way to church, on Christmas morn 
ing, I added to Mrs. Gray s astonishment by a still 
greater display of erudition. " My dear," I re 
marked, as I drew rein at the foot of a long hill we were 
about ascending, " I would be pleased to have you give me 
a moment s attention, while I say a few words more in re 
gard to the NATIVITY, or, as it is now termed, Christmas." 

Mrs. G., having informed me that she would give me the 
attention I desired, settled herself deeply amidst the buffalo 
robes, buried her face, except her eyes, which shone bright 
ly, behind her muff, and evidently made up her mind to 
receive a large amount of information. Thereupon I re 
marked that Chrysostom, who lived about the year 390, 
says this festival was one of great antiquity and long con 
tinuance, the most venerable and tremendous of all festi 
vals, being famous and renowned in the Church from the 
beginning, far and wide, from Thrace to the Gaddes, in 
Spain. 

Here my wife interrupted me to ask who Chrysostom 
was. 

I informed, her he was Bishop of Constantinople as long 
ago as Anno Domini 398. " It were a pity," she said, 
" that he did not convert the Mahometans and mosques to 
Christianity and churches." 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 209 

" I have no doubt, my dear," I replied, " he would have 
done so, had Mahomet or his followers existed at that early 
period. It was not, however, till about the year 600 that 
the Prophet and the Koran arose, and at that time the 
good bishop was undoubtedly a saint in heaven." 

Mrs. Gray having echoed my words, " in heaven," in a 
somewhat abstracted manner, and being apparently engaged 
in building a castle in the air, I incontinently dropped the 
subject, and commenced erecting a little chateau for myself 
in the neighborhood of my wife s. I was so busily occu 
pied moulding some Gothic arches, that I quite neglected 
to guide the horse, who, not knowing we were on our way 
to church, probably he was aware it was not Sunday, 
suddenly stopped, much to my surprise and my wife s mor 
tification, in front of the " Arbor Saloon." 

When Mrs. Gray perceived where we were, she very 
quickly gave me to understand that it was not the place 
she wished to stop at. 

" Nor I, either, my dear," I replied. 

" Then, why not drive on ? " queried Mrs. G. 

" Because," I answered, " the horse will not budge, not 
withstanding I whistle and chirrup for him to get up. " 

* Whip him, then," whispered Mrs. G., now quite dis 
tracted, for every one on their way to church was gazing 
at us, and smiling. 

" I would like very well to perform that little act," I re 
plied, " but I fear the whip is lost, as I cannot find it." 

Then Mrs. Gray and I searched the straw in the bottom 
of the sleigh for it, but without success. So at last I was 
obliged to get out I knew exactly why the horse was 
waiting and enter the " Arbor " for a moment ; when, so 
soon as I stepped into the sleigh again, the rascal started. 
As ill luck would have it, our parson, on his way to church, 
saw me come out, and cast on me, as he bowed, a look 
made up of inquiry , surprise, and disapprobation. 

This unfortunate occurrence was the one straw which 
14 



210 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

broke the camel s back : and Mrs. Gray, pressing a high- 
priced lace handkerchief, odorous of frankincense and 
myrrh, to her eyelids, held it there till we reached the 
church-door. Having handed my wife out, I told her I 
would join her in the vestibule as soon as I had blanketed 
the horse. She waited for me a few moments, but seeing 
the parson coming, she hastened in. 

I, for my part, joined the reverend gentleman at the 
middle gate of the church-yard, and wishing him a merry 
Christmas, which compliment he very solemnly returned, 
walked a short distance by his side, up the broad and 
beaten path, till he, just before we reached the porch-steps, 
diverged into another and narrower path on the right, lead 
ing to a private door at the rear of the edifice, of which he 
carried the key. I watched him till he opened the little 
door, when I thought I d see who would get into church 
first. In my haste I managed to run against two ladies, 
who were pluming their feathers in the vestibule , prepara 
tory to making the grand entrance with the organ accom 
paniment. I also tripped up the sexton, who had just 
finished tolling the bell ; and then stepped on the senior 
warden s gouty foot. When I reached my pew I was quite 
out of breath, and glad to get a moment s rest. On look 
ing around me, I was surprised not to find Mrs. Gray 
beside me. It occurred to me, that, aware of my wife s 
musical abilities, the choir had invited her to join them 
in singing the Christmas anthem. So I turned my head 
around, which act, owing, I think, to my new necktie, was 
one of great difficulty, and gazed into the organ-loft, but 
without beholding Mrs. Gray. As I twisted my neck back 
again, some one in the rear pew touched me on my arm 
with a prayer-book. I looked and saw it was Mrs. G., and 
at the same moment the senior warden opened the door of 
the pew in which I was seated, to let in his wife, his wife s 
two maiden sisters, and himself. It having become, by this 
time, very evident to me that I was in the wrong pew, I 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 211 

resolved to retreat ; but the senior warden s family had com 
menced filing in, and egress through the door was cut off. 
My next idea was to step over the back of the pew into my 
own, as being the quickest way of extricating myself from 
the dilemma. To tell the truth, I had no desire to be 
shoved into the far end of the slip, with two maiden ladies, 
another lady, and the senior church-warden between me 
and the door. What, it occurred to me, would I be able to 
do in case of fire ! The thought was unendurable, and I 
was on the very point of getting into my pew the shortest 
way, wljen Mrs. Gray, with great presence of mind, sug 
gested to the incoming ladies the propriety of making room 
for me to pass out. The only way they could make 
room," was by first going out themselves, which they did, 
much to their annoyance ; and then I took my hat and fol 
lowed them. 

I found, after I was safe in my own pew, that I need not 
have been in so great a hurry to get into church, for the 
parson did not make his appearance until some minutes 
thereafter. I occupied myself, therefore, in the interval, 
with quietly gazing around the church, scanning the assem 
bled multitude. Even after the services were commenced, 
I was, I might say, called to order several times by Mrs. 
Gray, either with a rebuking look, a serious shake of the 
head, or a firm touch of a little moccasined foot, reminding 
me of the place I was in, and recalling my wandering 
thoughts from the study of the various Scriptural mottoes, 
" done in greens," placed here and there about the church, 
to the contemplation of something equally as good, con 
tained in my prayer-book. I cannot refrain, however, from 
saying I was much pleased with the manner in which the 
church was adorned. Evidently some person of taste had 
superintended the arrangement of the evergreen festoons 
and wreaths ; and if it were not that the tiny leaves of the 
cedar-wreath, which was wound round the column beside 
which I sat, kept dropping into the back of my neck each 



212 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

time I knelt in prayer, thereby causing considerable irrita 
tion, I should have enjoyed, with greater zest than I did, 
the Christmas services. 

Of course we had a very excellent sermon. Christmas 
sermons, usually, are excellent. Perhaps, as a general 
thing, they are better than any other sermons of the year. 
I said as much, during our ride home, to Mrs. Gray. She 
replied that she thought they were. Then she asked me 
if I could repeat the text of the morning s discourse. I 
was obliged to confess I could not. Whereupon Mrs. G. 
said she was not at all surprised at my ignorance of it ; for 
she had noticed I was engaged, during its delivery, in 
counting the various colors in the chancel-window. I was 
much surprised at my wife s knowledge, and feared that I 
had numbered them aloud. But she assured me it was 
simply from my fixedness of gaze, and the motion of my 
lips, at the time, by which she had arrived at the truth. 
Then I wondered whether the parson knew it, or any of 
the congregation. Afterwards I quite delighted my wife 
by speaking as follows : " The services of the church, 
my dear, about this season are extremely tender and in 
spiring. They dwell on the beautiful story of the origin 
of our faith, and the pastoral scenes that accompanied its 
announcement. They gradually increase in fervor and pa 
thos during the season of Advent, until they break forth in 
full jubilee on the morning that brought peace and good 
will to men. I do not know a grander effect of music on 
the moral feelings than to hear the full choir and the peal 
ing organ performing a Christmas anthem in a cathedral, 
and filling every part of the vast pile with triumphant har 
mony." 

When I ended, Mrs. Gray remarked that what I had 
just said was as perfect as anything I had ever uttered. I 
replied that I thought it was; but I forgot to tell her 
where she might find the identical remark. Afterwards, 
when she had time to recall my words, she desired to know 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 213 

when and where it was that I had heard a Christmas an 
them performed in a cathedral. So I told her that it was 
while I was travelling in England with Geoffrey Crayon, 
author of the " Sketch-Book " ; and that probably she could 
find an exact transcription of all I had uttered somewhere 
in the pages of that volume. Thereupon my wife wished 
to know the exact year in which I was abroad. 

" It was the year," I replied, "just previous to our mar 
riage, and while I was a resident of Utopia." 

" Of course it was," said my wife ; and then our conver 
sation ctased for a while. During the pause I busied my 
self finishing my chateau, which I made very grand indeed, 
by filling it with chancel-windows of stained glass, illus 
trative of gorgeous Oriental poems ; figures of Georgian 
slaves pouring from tall and slim-necked flasks lucent 
syrups ; Circassian maids, wonderfully draped, standing in 
dancing attitudes ; and various other highly wrought Eastern 
scenes, none of which were exactly appropriate, perhaps, 
for illuminating chancel-windows, but which differed, after 
all, from the figures in the church-window very slightly, 
the difference, indeed, being more in the description of the 
emblems than in the character of the emblems themselves. 
At last Mrs. Gray brought my architectural work to a close 
by remarking she thought it quite strange that the horse 
should have stopped, as he did, at the "Arbor." 

" Not so very strange," I replied, " when you recall to 
mind that it is the identical horse which one of my bachelor 
friends, who had a proclivity for stopping there himself, 
used to ride when he visited me at Hillside, during your 
absence at your mother s." 

" Oh ! " uttered Mrs. Gray, in an incredulous tone ; " but 
all that, my dear, occurred long ago, and you do not expect 
me to believe that the horse remembers it at this day ? " 

" Indeed, I do," I replied. " Horses, let me tell you, have 
excellent memories, and never forget the spot where they 
once were in the habit of stopping. Let me tell you, my 



214 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

love, a little anecdote about a physician s horse, which " 
but Mrs. G. interrupted me by saying, 

" Never mind concerning the anecdote, Mr. Gray ; but 
allow me to inquire which horse it is you usually drive 
when you go to the village, and where it is you generally 
stop?" 

I was obliged to confess that this was the horse ; " but," 
I added, " it is to the post-office I go, and not to the Ar 
bor. " 

Mrs. Gray hoped it was so ; but I could perceive that 
she was considering the matter, and so, to break the thread 
of her thoughts, I again essayed to tell the little anecdote 
about the doctor s horse, but no sooner did I attempt its 
narration than she declared that to hear it would make her 
head ache ; " indeed," she added, " my head. Mr. Gray, 
already aches." 

" Caused," I remarked, " by the parson s sermon, I have 
no doubt." 

" Mr. Gray," she exclaimed, " do you forget the day ? 
are you a heathen, that you speak thus of that good man s 
discourse ? " 

" No, my dear," I replied, " but " 

At this moment we reached the door of our cottage, for 
which I was extremely thankful, as our arrival brought 
to an end a painful conversation. Though, had it pro 
ceeded, I should still have insisted upon the excellent 
memory our horse possessed, and, further, should have told 
the anecdote I was so anxious to relate. 



MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 215 




CHAPTER XXXV. 

My Exit. Anniversaries. Freedom. In the Snow. Frank. My 
Breakfast. A Serf. Female Collegians. Blue and Gold. My Old 
Friends. The Editor. " Sherry Time." Apple-Jack. Going 
Home. Mrs. G. s Company. A Safe Ride. 

New- Year s day I took my hat and went down to 
the village. I performed this feat early in the 
morning. I did not even wait for breakfast, but 
departed before Mrs. Gray made her appearance in the 
breakfast-room. The fact is, I had promised to make sun 
dry calls with my friend Frank, and I knew that it would 
be almost impossible to break from the attraction of my 
wife s presence if I waited for my matutinal meal. Besides, 
Mrs. G. would not only have disapproved, but seriously, per 
haps resolutely, objected to my leaving her at all. I am at 
tached to my wife. I think she is an admirable little woman. 
I pass a great deal of my time in her society. I spent the 
whole of Christmas with her. "We ate our Thanksgiving- 
dinner together ; we picnicked side by side on the Fourth 
of July. I drank her health many times, and was happy 
to do so whenever, during the year, we celebrated together 
certain anniversaries, our betrothal, our espousal, her 
birthday, my birthday, each of the children s birthday, 
also her mother s, her grandmother s, and my great-grand 
father s. Mrs. Gray said it was all nonsense celebrating 
my great-grandfather s, who died at least fifty years before 
I was born, but for whose memory I entertain the highest 
respect ; not that I ever heard or knew much about him, 
save what I have learned from his monument, which is 
a very costly affair, and gives him a very good character. 



216 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

Besides the aforesaid anniversaries, I keep, with my esti 
mable wife, all the feast and fast days imposed by our 
Mother the Church. Moreover, I remain at home with Mrs. 
Gray whenever she has her little headaches, and whenever 
I am sick myself. I thought these matters over, as I lay 
awake one night, just after Christmas, and resolved that I 
would, on New Year s, indulge myself with a day s freedom 
join my bachelor friends, and, as far as practicable, be 
come one of them again. So, as I have already stated, I 
took my hat, just before the hour Mrs. Gray usually makes 
her appearance down-stairs, and departed for the village. 
I left with the little black boy, for Mrs. G., a very elaborate 
note, written the night previous, stating the case, and ex 
cusing, as far as I was able, my early flitting. I felt very 
sorry for Mrs. Gray, as I wended through the snow on my 
way to the village, when I thought of the disappointment 
she would experience in not finding me in the breakfast- 
room. When she, looking so fresh and charming, and with 
such a blithe, happy New- Year s greeting on her lips, should 
enter, my absence, I feared, would be a great shock to her. 
She will, doubtless, I said to myself, refuse to partake of 
breakfast, will weep bitterly, and, it may be, utterly dis 
heartened, will wander forth and perish in the snow. These 
thoughts caused me uneasiness, and I wished I was home 
again. Besides, my appetite was improving ; and a three 
miles walk through deep snow, with last year s stomach 
unprovided for, was no pleasant affair. I encouraged and 
consoled myself, however, with thinking how pleased Frank 
would be to see me, what a rare breakfast we would take 
together, and with what delightful conversation we would 
enliven it. But somehow, when I entered Frank s gor- 

o 

geous apartments, he did not appear as pleased to see me as 
I had anticipated. He had taken breakfast, he said, and 
he more than intimated that he did not desire another ; so, 
quite disappointed, I sought the " Arbor," and partook of my 
New- Year s breakfast in solitary grandeur. During its prog 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 217 

ress I thought, several times, that it would have been bet 
ter for me to have remained at home, even if it had fallen 
to my lot to have been asked by my wife to search the 
writings of the Old Fathers, for evidence relating to the an 
tiquity of the day, which must be older than Anno Domini, 
-if not coeval with the beginning of the world. I knew it 
would have proved a fruitless task ; but still I believe I 
could so far have accomplished it as to have satisfied Mrs. 
Gray, and, afterwards, with her approval, have ridden down 
to the village in time to make my annual calls. It was, there 
fore, In no very exuberant spirits that, after my meal was 
ended, I again entered Frank s rooms. To my surprise, 
his serf a youth whom he had imported from Russia ex 
pressly for his own service informed me that his lord had 
departed for the Female College, where he would be pleased 
to meet me. Of course, my going there was out of the 
question, and Frank knew it very well. He was aware 
that Mrs. Gray had interdicted it from me, simply for the 
reason that the last time I was there, at a meeting of the 
Sophia Society, I was slightly enamored of a sweet little 
girl, clad in blue and gold like one of Ticknor & Fields s 
miniature volumes of poems. Mrs. Gray said I talked of 
her in my sleep which I don t think I did. However, 
my wife learned all about the affair, and read, in the " Star- 
Spangled Banner," where they were published anonymously, 
the six or eight sonnets, songs, poems, etc. which I had 
thoughtlessly, but innocently, addressed to the azure and 
gilt young woman. I would not offend Mrs. G. again, by 
visiting that enticing institution, for fifty young ladies, even 
if they were decorated with all the colors of the rainbow. 
Xot wishing to make calls alone, I undertook to find John, 
formerly of " Arbor " proclivity, who, having become engaged 
to be married, would not, therefore, think of venturing to 
such an alluring place. To my astonishment, however, I 
learned that the innocent John had been induced by Frank 
to accompany him. I failed in finding any of my old friends 



218 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

who would or could go with me. My tall friend, P., did 
not make calls. Fred and John, of the moneyed institu 
tion, were already making calls, and could not be found. 
Another of my friends had been seeing the old year out, 
and was in no condition for making calls. lie, however, 
presented to me the following parody, which he had 
written and sung the night before, and insisted on war 
bling it to me while standing in the street, in front of the 
" Spread-Eagle " tavern. When I say that his " warbling." 
as he himself termed it, was more appreciated by the crowd 
which gathered around us than by myself, 1 speak the 
truth. My musical friend was no other than the editor of 
the " Banner." 

SHEKRY-TIME. 

Come to me in sherry-time, 

When the old year closes ; 
We 11 have a Tom-anti-Jerry time 

Among the ruby noses. 
While the wine is flowing fast, 

And our glasses jingle, 
Grief afar we 11 sternly cast, 

Only smiles we 11 mingle. 

When the night is fading out 

Just before the dawning, 
" Happy New Year ! " we will shout, 

And " Won t go home till morning." 
Then come to me in sherry-time, 

As the old year closes ; 
We 11 have a Tom-and-Jerry time 

Among the ruby noses. 

After leaving my dulcet-tongued friend, I essayed to 
make a few calls, but met with ill success. Only one of 
the eight or ten families at whose door-bells I rung, re 
ceived callers. At this one place, however. I remained 
five hours, and enjoyed myself exceedingly. The apple 
jack brewed there was excellent ; and when, just at dusk, 
I found my way out of this hospitable mansion, I decided 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 219 

that it was time for me to return home. Fortunately, just 
as I started, I met the little black boy coming into the vil 
lage with the horse and sleigh, who, for a consideration, 
was willing to turn the horse s head and return with me ; 
though he had come down to the village, he said, to keep 
Xew Year s day. I suggested that it was quite too late to 
commence keeping it. He could n t help that, he replied, 
for Mistress Gray had so much company, that it kept him 
running to the door all the while, a-letting them in and out. 

" B^it Mrs. Gray, in my absence," I said, " did not see 
any one, I trust, did she ? " 

" But she just did," answered the little black boy. 

" Has she not been troubled with a headache ? " I in 
quired. 

Not that I knows of," he replied. 

; My little black boy," I said, " tell me the names of the 
gentlemen who have called on Mrs. Gray." 

Can t remember them all, sir ; there s bin so many. 
Oh, Mister Frank and Mister John, they is there now. 
They Ve bin there most of the afternoon." 

u Alas ! " I thought, " my treacherous friends ! " Then 
I applied the whip to the horse, and we reached the cot 
tage just as the two gentlemen were departing. I was 
very polite to them, very cordial indeed, and invited 
them to remain all night to stay even for a day or two, 
and go out shooting deer with me on Monday. They 
both declined, however, and Frank had the impudence to 
say that they had been hunting dears all day. Then I 
wished them a safe and pleasant ride down to the village, 
bade them " good-night," and went into the house. Mrs. 
Gray, the maid said, had just retired. So I sent to her, by 
the servant, the compliments of the season, stirred up the 
fire in the library, and made myself comfortable. I thought 
of Frank and John. I knew the night was dark, and the 
snow sadly drifted over the road. I did not envy their 
" safe and pleasant ride," for I believed they would meet 



220 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

with many upsets on their way home. It was only the little 
black boy s knowledge of the road that saved me. The 
next day I heard that they had upset no less than ten times, 
and were bruised and half frozen besides. I am sorry to 
say this account gave me pleasure. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 221 




CHAPTER XXXVI. 

Mrs. G. s Remarks by-and-by. Peace-Offerings. . The Hut. My Occu 
pation. A Violinist. A Compliment. An Unaccepted Offer. 
"Some Poetry." 

~EVERAL weeks have elapsed since New Year s, 
and in that time neither Mrs. Gray nor I have said 
aught concerning our separate celebration of the 
day. I have waited, with much anxiety, for my wife to 
allude to the subject ; but to this moment her lips remain 
sealed. That she will, however, express her feelings in 
suitable words, I am most positive. I am too well acquainted 
with Mrs. G. to doubt it. By-and-by, when I am least ex 
pecting it, she will give me to understand that five hours 
are too many for a married man to invest in a single call 
on New- Year s day ; or, indeed, as she will take occasion 
to add, on any other day. She will, further, express her 
disapproval of apple-jack as a beverage, and finish by in 
viting me to " warble Sherry-Time. " Till this little affair 
is settled, I shall continue to be very uncomfortable in my 
mind. This matter has already been a source of much ex 
pense to me, and will, doubtless, continue to be so. I often 
feel quite timid, after an absence from home of a few hours, 
when I reenter the house, lest my wife should have some 
thing to say about New Year s. I avoid, as far as possible, 
any allusion to the day. I invariably carry home with me 
a peace-offering for her when I return from the village. I 
have in this way presented Mrs. Gray with a coffee-urn, a 
carpet-sweeper, a pair of French boots, a canary bird, three 
white mice, a photograph of " Rosa Bonheur," a dozen bot 
tles of Delluc s " Choice Extracts," a bouquet of japonicas, 



222 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

a sewing-machine, and a superb crinolinish arrangement 
that resembles a trellised summer-house. My deserving 
wife receives these propitiatory gifts with a calmness of 
demeanor delightful to witness. I think she clearly un 
derstands why I bring them, and has resolved, so long 
as they make their appearance, to let the New-Year s affair 
rest in silence. But this course cannot be pursued forever. 
My bank account will not permit it. Another week will 

run the thing into the snow, and then well, I will not 

anticipate domestic trouble. 

There are a number of matters about the farm that, at 
present, greatly engage my attention, and take me from the 
family circle. I am building a long line of rail-fence, and 
superintend personally the splitting and laying up of the 
rails. In the woods, where the men are at work cutting 
clown the trees, I have erected a stone hut, and roofed it 
with hemlock-boughs. It contains a cooking-stove, a pine 
table, and three or four roughly constructed benches. It 
is a place in which one can make himself quite comfortable. 
Plenty of pine knots strew the ground just outside the door, 
and a spring of water bubbles forth not far off. A demi 
john stands in one corner of the hut ; and though lemon- 
trees do not flourish near by, nor the sugar-cane grow on 
the premises, nor the kettle always sing upon the stove, 
yet are lemons and sugar and hot water easily procurable. 
Occasionally, when my bachelor friends come up to see me, 
as they did last week, they find these items without diffi 
culty. I am happy to say that Mrs. Gray never visits the 
place. I doubt if she be aware of its existence. No one 
at the cottage, save myself and the little black boy, has 
ever been there. Nor do I deem it necessary that any 
should. In case of an insurrection in my household, it 
appears to me that the hut would prove an available place 
of refuge. Not that I really anticipate aught of that nature, 
but allude to it simply as an event which might possibly 
occur. I am indebted to my friend Frank for the sugges- 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 223 

tion that impelled me to build this lodge in the wilderness, 
and I really consider it as very kind in him. Besides, I 
find it a most convenient and comfortable spot wherein to 
write my letters, letters purely of a private character, 
and in no way interesting to Mrs. Gray, and where, too, 
I may possess the society of my bachelor friends, and enjoy 
dreamlike reveries undisturbed by the noise of children. 
Yriien, after being absent all day superintending the work 
men, Mrs. Gray says to me on my return, " I am sorry, my 
dear, that you are obliged to stay out in the cheerless woods 
thus, day after day, exposed to the cutting winds and the 
drifting snow. I fear you will take cold, and fall sick ; be 
careful, my love, and do not expose yourself more than is 
absolutely necessary," I assure her that I am careful ; that 
I am not so much exposed to the inclemency of the weather 
as she thinks ; that it is quite mild in the woods, and the 
choppers have huge fires burning, where I can warm my 
self. But I say nothing about the hut and its accessories. 
Why should I ? It is there that the little black boy practises 
on the violin which I gave him at Christmas. I confess 
that I am surprised at the progress he makes on the instru 
ment, especially since his teacher is but an indifferent per 
former. I think little black boys take naturally to violins. 
When he comes to perform before Mrs. Gray, I am inclined 
to think she will be slightly astonished. She will wish to 
know when and where he learned to play, and who was his 
instructor. Then, I am fearful, the story of the hut will 
come out. The moment my estimable wife learns this cir 
cumstance, I think she will conclude that my superintend 
ence of the workmen is not as arduous a duty as she 
imagined. 

I have lately been invited to join a fire-engine company. 
Excelsior, I believe, is the name. I have been offered the 
situation of secretary of the company, if I will accept it ; 
and, as a further inducement, promised that the little black 
boy shall receive the appointment of torch-bearer. It is, 



224 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

of course, very gratifying to my feelings to be noticed in 
this Avay. It evinces a spirit of kindness, on the part of the 
members of the company, for which I was not prepared. I 
confess that I should like to see myself arrayed in a red 
shirt, and with " Excelsior " printed, in gilt letters, on the 
front piece of the leather hat upon my head. I should 
further like to wear my trousers inside of my boots, and 
bawl myself hoarse, for once at least in my life, with crying 
" Fire ! " But I have a regard for the feelings of Mrs. 
Gray. I think, in the first place, that she would object to 
my wearing a red shirt ; and in the next place, she would 
be most decidedly opposed to my leaving her, say, in the 
middle of the night, to go down to the village to assist 
in putting out a fire. I should myself object to this part 
of the business, and should not appreciate, either, working 
the brakes. Taking these things duly into consideration, I 
thought it my duty to decline, respectfully but firmly, the 
invitation. The editor of " The Star-Spangled Banner " 
who is foreman of said company, and who composed the 
committee that waited upon me with the above offer 
was much pained, he said, at my refusal. The company, 
which he had the honor to represent, would be greatly dis 
appointed. He trusted that I would reconsider the mat 
ter, and if I should conclude to join, he would resign his 
own post in the company in my favor. Would I accept 
the office of foreman ? With my present limited knowledge 
of fire-engine tactics, I told him, I rather thought not; 
and though I fully appreciated the compliment paid to me, 
yet owing to certain domestic circumstances, which could 
not be overcome, I must decline the honor intended. I 
requested him, however, to thank the company for their 
kindness, and to say that I should be greatly obliged if they 
would accept from me, say on the twenty-second of 
February, as a slight testimonial of my esteem, a silver 
trumpet. Thereupon the editor of " The Star-Spangled 
Banner," and foreman of " Excelsior Engine Company," 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 225 

gave me to understand that he would take the responsibility 
of accepting, in behalf of said company, my offer. As he 
was on the point of leaving me, he placed in my hands for 
perusal, and publication, if I desired, the following choice 
verses, which he composed a few years since, while an 
humble member of the New-York Fire Department. The 
lines are entitled 

SOME POETRY ; 

4 BY THE FOREMAN OF MINNEHAHA, NO. 40. 

I goes some days a-takin walks, 

Some days jest after dinner, 
Adown Broadway, I say, I stalks, 

Along with saint and sinner. 
I sees the sights as may be seen 

From Union Square to Battery ; 
I notices each painted quean 

As ruined was by flattery. 

I observes, too, the dandy crew, 

With whiskers and moustaches ; 
I likewise notices a few 

Young gals a-sellin matches. 
I mixes right among the crowd, 

I shoves the aristocracy, 
And lets em see, though they be proud, 

I m prouder of democracy. 

I wears a red shirt, all ablaze ; 

Hi, hi ! I runs with " Forty " ; 
I goes to fires nights and days, 

And goes by name of " Shorty." 
I in foreman of a crack masheen, 

Its house is in the Bowery ; 
And when it plays, as I have seen, 

Yer d say t was rather showery. 

There s Liza-Ann, as keeps a shop, 

And deals in cake and candy, 
With whom, when there a n t fires, I stop, 

And finds her place quite handy. 
15 



226 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

And she is jest the nicest one, 
No Broadway gal is healthier, 

And when she gets her purties on, 
I reckon none is wealthier. 

And as I goes a-takin walks 

With Lize, jest after dinner, 
I tell yer what, the way she talks 

Would make yer glad to win her. 
I shows her all as can be seen 

From Union Square to Battery, 
And then I says, says I, " My queen ! " 

Says she, " Go long with yer flattery." 



3/F MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 227 




CHAPTER XXXVII. 

The Old Soldier s Present. Charter Oak. Thimble-Case. Toddy-Stick. 
Frank and John. Polishing the Cane. Prayer for the Donor. 

UIE old soldier has been wonderfully " set up " 
lately. He has had that presented to him which 
makes him appear younger, by ten good years, 
than he is in reality. The request I made in his behalf, a 
short time since, has met a kind response. The staff from 
the Charter Oak, for which the ancient patriot so much 
wished, to support his tottering steps, is even his ; and it is 
the possession of this which has so set him up. He is in 
debted to the generosity of the Hon. J. W. Stuart, of Hart 
ford, on whose grounds the old oak stood, for this memento 
of that tree whose heart was the casket in which the lib 
erty of Connecticut was preserved. 

The staff arrived at Hillside late one Saturday evening, 
after the old soldier had hobbled off to bed ; but as I knew 
he was desirous of seeing it, he having heard, by letter, 
from the donor that the same was on its way, I told the 
black boy, who had brought it from the village, to take it 
to the old soldier s room, and, if he were awake, to deliver 
it to the brave veteran. The old soldier chanced to be 
asleep, and the black boy, without my approbation or con 
sent, proceeded to stir him up with the Charter-Oak cane, 
much to the soldier s discomfort and displeasure. In fact, 
he left on his person almost as many bruises as there are 
scars. At first, on being aroused, my old pensioner was 
inclined to show fight ; and addressing the little black boy 
as an " imp of darkness," seized his crutch, standing at the 
head of the bed, with an evident intention, then and there, 



228 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

of demolishing the youth. But he is a spry boy, seeing 
what he did at the circus improved him somewhat, I think, 
in the article of spryness, and he easily avoided the old 
soldier s attack, and darting under the bed, raised it up, 
thereby casting its enraged occupant, wrapped in the 
American flag, out upon the floor. Fortunately, at this mo 
ment, I made my appearance ; or else the Avar, doubtless, 
would have been carried into Africa, much, perhaps, to the 
little black boy s sorrow. As it was, I had great difficulty 
in calming the old man, and making him understand the 
affair : it was only by placing the staff in his hands, and 
shouting, at the same time, " Charter Oak ! Charter Oak ! " 
that I succeeded. When, however, he clearly comprehended 
the case, his joy was very great ; he freely forgave the 
black boy, and would, I believe, have embraced me, had I 
allowed him to do so. Then he examined the staff care 
fully, and measured it with a six-inch rule he carries in his 
pocket, and made the ebony youth set down the figures, as 
he called them off, in chalk, on the foot-board of his bed 
stead. Then he hobbled across the room with its assist 
ance, and retold to him, for the twentieth time, the history 
of the tree, from the period when a deputation of Indians 
came to the steward of Governor "Wyllys, as he was cutting 
away the trees, preparatory to erecting a residence for his 
master, and requested him to spare the old hollow oak. 
For it has been," they said, " the guide of our ancestors 
for centuries, as to the time of planting our corn. "When 
the leaves are of the size of a mouse s ear, then is the time 
to drop the seed into the earth;"- its history from this 
period, I repeat, did the soldier relate, down to the day of 
its fall. When I left his room he was in the midst of his 
story, and I think he kept the boy up, listening to revolu 
tionary stories, and tales of 1812, during the remainder of 
the night ; for when I awoke, very early in the morning, 
just when the " new red " in the barnyard was signalling 
daybreak, I could hear the treble of the old man s voice, 
even through the deadened walls which divided us. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 229 

Thereupon I woke Mrs. Gray from a sound sleep, that 
she might hear the old soldier. I do not think my wife was 
altogether pleased because of my awaking her. In fact she 
said as much. She would like to know, she exclaimed, 
what I meant. I told her to listen to the ancient warrior. 
She spoke something about a fig in connection with my 
warlike friend, and then immediately fell asleep. Of course 
she was asleep ; for though I addressed her eight or ten 
times, calling her " Mrs. Gray," she failed to hear me, and 
consequently made no reply. So I, wearied out, and wait 
ing lor u the light to thicken in the east," lay and listened 
to the old soldier, who, five rooms off, " shouldered his 
crutch, and showed how fields were won." 

In connection with the old soldier and his present, it may 
be proper for me to mention that Mrs. Gray and myself 
received, at the same time, from II. B. Beach, Esq., me 
mentos of the fallen tree. Mrs. G. was honored with a 
thimble-case, in the form of an acorn, made from the wood 
of the old tree, and which case contained within it a very 
perfect sample of the natural fruit of the Charter Oak. 
This natural acorn Mrs. Gray is intending to have mounted 
with a golden cup and enamelled oak-leaf, and to wear it 
as a scarf-pin. The only trouble Mrs. G. has in the mat 
ter is the fear that the jeweller, with whom she may trust 
the precious relic, will be tempted to substitute for it an 
acorn of less noble birth. She is even suspicious of the 
little black boy, and is quite afraid that he may take it 
into his head to change the acorn before the jewellers have 
an opportunity. It would be like him, she thinks, to do so ; 
especially now, while his mind runs on the Charter Oak 
and its acorns ; and his pockets are filled with similar ones, 
gathered from the " new Charter Oak," where he still keeps 
his cymbals. 

For my portion of the old tree, I received what the 
worthy donor was pleased to term " a very suspicious-look 
ing specimen for these Maine-law days." He presumed, 



230 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

however, that it would be " acceptable, and prove a useful 
institution at the social gatherings of my bachelor friends." 
My excellent correspondent presumed rightly, as Frank and 
my friend John, of " Arbor " proclivity, can bear testimony. 
Of course, I do not care to state what it was I received. I 
refrain from naming the article purely out of delicacy to 
my friends feelings. I believe they would not like to have 
it known that they ever used such article. Though they 
each remarked to me, quite confidentially, as they were 
practically testing the same, that they would like very much 
indeed to possess similar ones. I may as well mention 
here that the little black boy, when he first saw my me 
mento of the Charter Oak, supposed it to be a drumstick, 
and asked why Mr. Beach sent me a single one. When I 
told him that it was a stick of another sort, and immediately 
after stepping to the library closet, where I keep demi 
johns and bottles, and lemons and sugar, and nutmegs, 
and such like concomitants, and then to the kitchen, where 
the cook keeps hot water showed him, by a practical 
illustration, its goodly use, he said it was just the kind of 
thing I needed, but that, for his part, he had much rather 
have a pair of drumsticks, which he thought would please 
him most of anything. 

The old soldier spends a good deal of time over his cane. 
He is bringing it to a high state of perfection. The dif 
ferent polishing processes he has put that staff through is 
astonishing. He has oiled it and boiled it, steamed it and 
smoked it, sand-papered it and pumice-stoned it, filed it 
and scraped it, rubbed it with a preparation which resembled 
honey, and then sprinkled it with a powder that looked like 
India-rubber and cork pulverized ; and immediately after 
wards sunk it in the well, where it remained one night, and 
gave to the water a very pungent taste, together with a 
brownish tinge. It has been rubbed with flannel and with 
velvet, with chamois skin and with kid, with sheep s wool 
and an old silk handkerchief; and still the work goes on. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 231 

Every night, with two exceptions, once when it was in 
the well, and again when the black boy slept with it, since 
it cunie into the possession of the old soldier, has he carried 
it with him to bed. He fairly loves the cane, and he loves 
.the donor of it. He actually prays for him, and that, too, 
aloud, and in the church. I noticed he did so the first 
Sunday in which he carried the staff to church with him ; 
and he has continued the practice ever since, notwithstand 
ing my telling him of the impropriety of so doing. Instead 
of pD&ying, as he ought to do, in accordance with the service 
of our church, for " the President of the United States, and 
all others in authority," he, not being altogether favorably 
disposed towards the Buchanan administration, drops Mr. 
President, the cabinet, etc., and substitutes therefor the 
names of our gracious donors of Charter-Oak memorials. 

When the old soldier first came to Hillside, he was in 
the habit of praying for me and all my bachelor friends, in 
lieu of the President. He afterwards dropped us, at my 
earnest solicitation, and took up, of his own accord, " the 
Directress of the Sewing Society, and all its members," 
because they had made and given him a couple of shirts. 



232 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER XXXVIH. 

Mrs. Gray s Valentine. Her Sarcastic Remark. Slippers. Embroid 
ering. Oh! Letter from Clarence. The Old Saint. Mrs. G. s 
Approval. 

. VALENTINE S DAY, which is set down in the 
almanacs as occurring on the fourteenth of Febru 
ary, was celebrated at Hillside slightly in advance. 
As early as the tenth of the month Mrs. Gray received, 
through the post-office, an original valentine. I may as well 
here confess that I was its author. By a private arrange 
ment which I made with the postmaster at New Orleans, 
the valentine bore the official stamp of his office. Mrs. G., 
having no acquaintance in that part of the world, is some 
what at a loss to know from whom it came. She, however, 
suspects my old friend Steel, who there resides. I have 
increased this suspicion in Mrs. Gray, by informing her that 
my friend is engaged in the pursuit of literature, and is 
decidedly of a literary turn of mind. I have had less hesi 
tation in saying this, than I otherwise would, were I not 
aware of his being in the " book-trade." 

MRS. GRAY S VALENTINE. 
(Air "RoRY O MoEE.") 

The pride of her husband 

Is Abeline Gray, 
His comfort and glory 

Through life s thorny way ; 
She is joyous and merry, 

But not over-gay ; 
And the pride of her husband 

Is Abeline Gray. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 233 

She keeps his house tidy 

From May until May ; 
And seldom from home, 

For her pleasure, doth stray, 
As this gadding about 

Among neighbors " don t pay." 
Oil, the pride of her husband 

Is Abeline Gray. 

She clothes herself neatly, 

She loves not display, 
She loves but her " gude mon," 

And him to obey ; 
For she knows it is foolish 

To have her own way. 
Quite the pride of her husband 

Is Abeline Gray. 

And when she goes shopping, 

Xot long does she stay 
From her spouse and her baby, 

Lest gossips should say, 
That fashions and follies 

Have led her astray. 
Oh, the pride of her husband 

Is Abeline Gray. 

To church she goes weekly, 

In Lent every day, 
Where, humble and tearful, 

She kneels down to pray : 
That her prayers are accepted, 

Ah, who shall gainsay ! 
Yes, the pride of her husband 

Is Abeline Gray. 

She a all that her consort 

Can hope for or pray : 
She s good, and she s handsome, 

She s witty and gay. 
She loves him the fonder 

As life wears away ; 
And the pride of her husband 

Is Abeline Gray. 



234 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

After Mrs. Gray had perused her valentine, she handed 
it to me to read ; at the same time asking me who I sup 
posed was the author. Then it was that I mentioned my 
friend Steel, as above narrated, and continued the conver 
sation in this wise : " I must say, my love, that I consider it 
very polite in my old companion, thus to send you a valen 
tine ; being a stranger to you, it is certainly an act worthy 
of note." 

Mrs. G., however, did not agree with me. She thought 
it rather impertinent than otherwise for a stranger to send 
her such verses. Then she decried the poetry, and de 
clared it was not equal to a valentine which I once sent her. 
She wished I would write her such another ; and I half 
promised her so to do. 

My friend Clarence, who lives afar off in the woods, 
thousands of miles distant from any womankind, and where 
I had no idea that Valentine days ever came, has sent me 
the following letter, which he wishes to palm on me for a 
valentine. " If I can t," I said to Mrs. Gray, " have a bet 
ter valentine than this foolish epistle, one from a lady, 
either married or single, I care not which, why, I 11 stop 
writing any more valentines myself." " Could you not 
manage, Mr. Gray," said my wife, " to have something else 
than poetry sent you, for valentines? You know you are 
well supplied with poetry, and possess all you need ; but 
there are certain articles, quite as necessary as poetry, of 
which you sadly stand in want." 

" A pair of slippers, for instance," I suggested ; " and a 
new dressing-gown ? " 

o o 

" Nonsense ! " uttered Mrs. G. 

" Before I was married, my dear," I continued, " I had 
any number of slippers presented me : blue velvet slip 
pers embroidered with gold braid, and others worked with 
silk floss ; and still others of stronger materials, more 
durable and useful. But now, when I wish a pair of slip 
pers, I am obliged to purchase them, or else go without. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 235 

I tell you, my love, I take no comfort or delight in the 
wearing of slippers which I buy. The ones you denounce 
as horrid, ugly-looking yellow things, fit only for steam 
boats and hotels, which I am now wearing, answer my pur 
pose full as well as any I could purchase. They are a change 
from the close boot, and, therefore, are preferable to it ; but 
they do not possess that cosiness of fit, that peculiar warmth 
and softness, that cushiony feeling of repose, which one 
finds in slippers worked by the fair hands of some sweet 
heart or friend. Oh, my dear/ I continued, appealing to 
TIr*s. Gray, u if you would but work me a pair of slippers, 
how pleased I should be." 

Mrs. Gray, however, gave me to understand that her 
time was fully occupied in embroidering robes for our 
" blessed baby." " And," she added, " it was not slippers 
nor dressing-gowns of which I was about to speak, but 
things much more important, which I fear you, Mr. Gray, 
will never possess." I looked at my wife inquiringly. She 
continued : " Instead of poetry, seek to have the valen 
tines you receive freighted with modesty and humility, or 
almost any of the cardinal virtues, and, I doubt not, you 
will be the better therefor." 

After my estimable spouse had delivered herself of this 
somewhat pithy and sarcastic remark, doubtless caused 
by my allusions to sweethearts and velvet slippers, she 
remained silent, notwithstanding my ejaculation of " Oh ! " 
uttered in a way to incite her to continue her remarks. 

Then, after waiting a few moments, I read aloud this 

LETTER FROM CLARENCE. 

" There may be holier saints, Barry, in the calendar 
than ever Valentine was, but I doubt if there are any better 
disposed to make mankind happier than this same Saint 
Valentine. As I understand it, though it is possible I 
may be in error, he is the patron saint of matrimony, and 
wherever he finds a man unmated, or a woman in a like 



236 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

condition, it becomes his mission to bring them together, 
and, if possible, make them husband and wife. Whether 
this be altogether a wise proceeding on the part of the old 
saint, is, to me, extremely doubtful. I have known, even 
in my short experience of life, many married persons who 
were mated, to be sure, but mated with an ill before it. 

" There is an old adage none the less true for being 
old that says, Leave well enough alone. Now, as a 
bachelor, I am contented with my lot, and I should be but 
risking my present moderate degree of happiness in seek 
ing change as a married man. I am satisfied it would 
never be my good fortune to obtain for a wife such a true 
woman as well, say Mrs. Gray, for instance ; no one who 
would be to me all that she is to her husband. no one 
who would welcome me home with such pleasant smiles 
and cheerful words of greeting as she does him, no one 
half so fair-looking, nor half so gentle in her manners, 
no one half so clever a housekeeper, nor half so good a 
woman. I fear me, Barry, my wife, if I ever obtain one. will 
seldom be without a frown on her brow, and will often utter 
those ominous words, My dear, where have you been ? " 

" Poor Clarence ! " exclaimed Mrs. Gray, how I pity 
him ! If I had only seen him, Mr. G., before I married 
you!" 

" Well, if you had," I asked, " what then ? " 

" Why, then," answered my wife, slightly hesitating and 
blushing, " why, then, I should have seen him." 

" And is that all ? " I inquired. 

" Yes," replied Mrs. G., " that is all," adding, however, 
after a pause, in which she appeared to be considering the 
matter, " perhaps." 

Then, very solemnly, I continued the reading of Clar 
ence s letter : 

" Still, I do not like Saint Valentine s Day to pass, with- 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 237 

out writing something like a valentine in honor of the day 
itself; for I have heard that, if any unmarried person 
neglects to do so, the old saint feels hurt and sorrowful ; 
and, as he is a good-natured old fellow, though essentially 
wrong in his notions regarding happiness, I like to humor 
him, as far as I can consistently. So if you, Barry, mar 
ried man though you be, will receive this as a valentine, it 
will greatly oblige me, and, at the same time, delight the 
venerable saint. 

"&lt;&lt;I know full well that you are a good churchman, and 
regard with reverence and esteem all those holy saints the 
Church so loves to honor ; but, at the same time, I think 
you cannot object to remember with me this day albeit 
Saint Valentine be not niched in the walls of our Mother 
the Church. 

" Protestant, Romanist, and Jew, alike send pleasing 
missives to their lady friends on each recurring anniversary 
of this day ; and, provided such practice ends not in matri 
mony, I, for one, am in favor of its being sustained. True 
it is, that, like everything else in this world, the privilege 
is liable to be abused ; but let us not condemn it on that 
account, for, if the custom be followed in a proper spirit, it 
is a cheerful and a joyous one, and, though it accomplish 
no more than the gladdening of children s hearts, it is 
sufficient. But it effects more than this : it often calls forth 
the purest and best emotions of our being ; it makes a 
sunshine in a shady place. It is like the quality of mercy, 
blessing both the giver and receiver ; and, if one of its 
missives stir the heart, if memories are called forth out 
of the past, and there are blessed memories, Barry, in 
every one s heart, that should not be carelessly forgotten, 
or if hopefulness for the future be aroused, is it not enough 
to warrant us in perpetuating alike the day, the custom, 
and the saint? Let us, then, mv friend, give thanks to 

*/ o 

Saint Valentine for instituting this festival. Let us cele 
brate it as a red-letter day in our life ; and mav the birds 



238 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

in the tree-tops, on each recurring anniversary of the same, 
while they woo and wed, emulate each other in singing 
cheerful songs of praise unto his pious memory." 

" Mr. Gray," said my wife, when I had finished reading 
the foregoing, " that is a better valentine than the one I 
received, although it be not written in rhyme, nor tran 
scribed upon lace-edged paper." 

And I think Mrs. G. is correct. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 239 



CHAPTER XXXIX. 

The Donation-Party. The Old Stone Parsonage. A Debate. Xovel 
Crinoline. The Company. The Good Shepherd. His Travels. 
HislJook. His Portrait. His Excellences. 

RS. GRAY and myself attended, not long since, 
a donation-party. This pleasant affair came off 
i at the old stone parsonage with the Gothic win 




dows. It was gotten up, in fact, solely for the benefit of 
the inhabitants of said parsonage. It strikes me that a 
donation-party must prove, to those most interested in it, 
a very convenient event. I have sometimes thought I would 
like extremely well to be a parson myself, especially about 
donation season. The day itself must appear to the re 
cipients exceedingly like an overgrown Thanksgiving. I 
believe the observance of this custom is not confined 
exclusively to villages, but is, to a limited extent, followed 
in sundry cities. Nowhere, however, as in the country, is 
it so happily sustained. Here it is observed from a sense 
of duty as well as for the pleasure derivable therefrom. 
Quite often, too, the greater part of the country pastor s 
year s support depends, almost entirely, on the donations 
given him at these annual visits. With others, however, 
who receive regular salaries for their services, it is given 
as a " bonus" a something over the legal seven per cent, 
interest to which they are alone entitled. But, whether it 
be the all-in-all, or simply a " makeweight " to the minister, 
to the congregation and inhabitants at large it ever is a 
joyous occasion. Church feuds and animosities are, for 
the time, forgotten. The vestry and the choir, the parson 



240 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

and the sexton, meet with the congregation, in friendliest 
relations. Little differences are put aside ; and high and 
low, rich and poor, stand on a common level. The par 
sonage is looked upon as neutral ground, and the parson 
himself the worthy pacificator of all enmities. 

The donation-party under consideration opened at an 
early hour in the afternoon, and continued in session till 
late at night. The " old folks," especially those who re 
sided some distance from the village, attended in the after 
noon, and the " young people " in the evening. It being 
a matter of some doubt in my mind as to which of these 
two classes Mrs. Gray and myself belonged, the settlement 
of it afforded us a subject of considerable debate. My wife 
spoke very feelingly on the junior side of the question ; 
while I, remembering the gray hairs in my whiskers, was 
disposed to favor the senior. After much arguing, pro and 
con, we finally decided the matter amicably, by going to the 
party some time between daylight and dark. But though 
we went thus early, we did not return home until quite late. 
And I had several times to appeal feelingly to Mrs. Gray, 
before I could gain her consent to depart, she being much 
engaged during the evening in promenading the rooms 
with certain well-appearing gentlemen who had known her 
previous to our marriage. 

On reaching the parsonage, we were ushered up-stairs 
by our black boy, our parson not possessing a black boy, 
had borrowed him for the occasion, who showed us to 
separate attiring rooms, where we disrobed ourselves of 
out-door garments. I confess I was much astonished, when 
we passed down the stairway to the parlors, to perceive 
how much more space Mrs. Gray occupied than when as 
cending, though enveloped in numerous shawls and man 
tles. Her increase in breadth and circumference was won 
derful to behold. I discovered that a large portion of the 
ladies present appeared to be equally expanded. At first 
I thought it arose from an optical delusion on my part ; 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 241 

then I feared some one had stolen my near-sighted glasses 
from their frame, and substituted for them lenses of great 
magnifying power. Thereupon I took off my spectacles, 
and examined them very carefully, but found they were 
unchanged. Afterward I came to the conclusion that Mrs. 
,G. had been consulting some high-toned fashion-plate, and 
had modelled her dress in accordance with its requirements. 
I will here remark that Mrs. Gray continued in this expan 
sive state through the entire evening, and only collapsed, as 
it were, when we came to go home. 

I aould not avoid noticing, when I glanced about me, the 
apparent harmony and good feeling that prevailed among 
the assembled guests, who, as a general thing, are inclined 
to be slightly at " loggerheads " with each other. Perhaps 
the spirit they evinced was owing, in some measure, to the 
associations connected, not only with the festival of Christ 
mas, just passed, but also to those with which the incoming 
Lenten season was surrounded. Whatever it was, I am 
certain that Christian feelings pervaded the hearts of all 
who that evening met within the walls of the old stone par 
sonage. 

O 

The roguish young man, so apt to annoy the precise 
maiden lady, occupying the slip in front of his, by placing 
his hat in her cushioned pew, and who has several times 
taken it therefrom sadly crushed, through her skilful man 
agement in seating herself upon it, I saw enjoying a tete-a- 
tete with the very lady in question, who put on the same 
airs with which she had sought to bewitch the youth s 
father thirty years before. 

The old gentleman who uses tobacco, and expectorates 
so liberally on the church-floor, notwithstanding the sex 
ton s repeated remonstrances, was standing in the hall ar 
guing with this latter worthy regarding the comparative 
durability of marble and red sandstone for monumental 
purposes, the old gentleman advocating marble, and the 
sexton sandstone. The sexton almost made himself out to 
16 



242 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

be another " Old Mortality," so well posted was he in all 
relating to ancient tombstones. 

O 

The leader of the choir, a tall young man with a mous 
tache, came down a few notes, and condescended to hold an 
animated conversation with the young lady dressed in black 
between whom and himself there is perpetual discord 
who plays the organ in a very scientific manner. 

The first and second bass singers who are continually 
making light of each other s baseness were occupied in 
turning over, together, a copy of the " Women of the Bi 
ble," lying on the centre-table, and discovering very strik 
ing likenesses, in the portraits therein, to many ladies who 
are honored Avith their acquaintance. 

The old allopathist doctor and the young homoeopathist 
physician, who own pews on opposite sides of the church, 
and are invariably, whenever they come to church, called 
out just before the sermon commences, by our black boy, 
who is paid quarterly, as he informs me, for this service, 
and, moreover, are as divided in their religious principles 
as in their form of practice, one favoring High and the 
other Low Church doctrines, were, for once, united on a 
case, and played the agreeable to a fair widow patient 
to neither of them, but a sojourner at the water-cure 
seated between them on the sofa. 

The venerable lady so regular in her attendance at church, 
and who takes snuff so freely as to keep her neighbors, 
within six pews distance of her, on every side, continually 
sneezing, greatly to their annoyance, but to the secret 
amusement of the other portion of the congregation, I 
noticed, radiant with smiles, and gay with colored ribbons 
and bows on her cap, meandering through the rooms, her 
snuffbox open in her hand, and inviting every one she en 
countered to " stop and take a pinch, won t you ? " Of 
course, on this occasion, every lady accepted her invita 
tion, and, as a natural consequence, nearly all present were, 
more or less, engaged in sneezing. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 243 

The editor of the " Star- Spangled Banner," who has a 
" Religious Column " in his newspaper, wherein is noted 
the texts, at least, of each of our village clergymen s Sun 
day sermons, and where, sometimes, he slashes, with very 
Herod-like zeal, the discourses of our worthy parson, 
and who, moreover, sets himself up for an evangelical 
critic, was, to use his own expression, " on hand, on this 
very interesting and highly satisfactory occasion," and 
waited very patiently, seated on the stairs leading to the 
dining-room, for the announcement of supper. 

As for the parson himself, he moved among his flock 
like a good shepherd, with a kind word for this one, an en 
couraging word for that, and even a gentle reproof for any 
he thought deserving it. Our parson is not simply a vil 
lage priest, and " passing rich with forty pounds a year," 
but something more. lie is quite an extensive gun in the 
ecclesiastical world, and, I have heard, makes splendid 
speeches at the conventions. lie has published a volume 
of sermons, very Melvillish in style, to which is prefixed 
his portrait, engraved after a painting by Huntington. Any 
one can obtain the portrait, without the sermons, framed 
and glazed, in an oak frame, exquisitely carved, repre 
senting a Gothic archway, by stopping the colporteur 
when he chances to be passing their way. 

Our parson s parishioners of whom I am the humblest 
sent him, a few years since, on account of ill-health, to 
Europe and the Holy Land, where he passed several months 
in travelling, and afterwards returned, much improved in 
his bodily health, and with his mental faculties wonderfully 
increased in their " powers of persuasion." The winter 
following his return home, he delivered an interesting 
and instructive course of lectures in the chapel of the Fe 
male College, on the subject of " Travel; its Advantages 
and Disadvantages, as exemplified in a Trip to the Old World" 
I understand, from a private, but, I think, reliable source, 
that our parson is negotiating with the booksellers at the 



244 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

sign of the " Golden Harp," in Cliff Street, for the publica 
tion of his "Text-book of Travels in Primitive Lands." 
The volume itself is to be illuminated and printed in col 
ors, in the ancient missal style, and profusely illustrated 
with views " taken on the spot." This book will, doubtless, 
be the identical one of which we have all read in the news 
papers, under the appellation of the " book of the season." 

Our parson so his parish solemnly believes is, in 
every respect, a most proper personage to be made a bishop ; 
and I am certain that two thirds of it pray devoutly for 
such consummation. Altogether, our good doctor of divin 
ity has the appearance of one who is well satisfied with his 
share of the good and pleasant things of this world, and 
unconsciously, perhaps, evinces by his manners a belief 
that even better things are in store for him in the world 
to come. And I, for my part, believe that there are. 

It is certainly very refreshing for one like myself to en 
counter so exalted and excellent a personage as our good 
clergyman. I am usually the better for such interview. I 
carry about with me, for several days thereafter, an air of 
sweet contentment, and regard with thoughts of supreme 
indifference everything relating to earthly honors. I even 
feel quite ashamed of myself for having written any of 
these foolish " Hillside Sketches," and fully resolve never 
to write another. 

Our parson, besides his other goodly qualifications, pos 
sesses a strong will, great energy, and an indomitable per 
severance. His zeal and industry, in all matters connected 
with his church, have become proverbial amongst his brother 
clergy. Whatever seems to him right and proper to pur 
sue, however out of the beaten track it may be, that will 
he do, nor stop till all he sought for is accomplished. 
Armed with no buckler, nor helmet, nor breastplate, only 
holding in his hands the cross of Christ, personifying in 
himself alone the Church militant, he enters any battle 
field where sin is to be fought, and, after a brief combat, 
retires victorious. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 245 




CHAPTER XL. 

A Praiseworthy Incident. Einging the Bell. The Old Soldier. An 
Appropriate Text. A Slight Mistake. - " The Parson." The Silk- 
webbed, Self-inflating Skirt. 

HE church in which our valiant shepherd spoken 
of in our last chapter labors, is situated on the 
summit of a slight elevation, and fronts a small 
open space of ground known as the village green, from 
which three streets diverge. The church-porch commands 
an excellent view of the same, and, by stepping forward a 
few paces, to the centre of the green, near the flag-staff, a 
further view may be obtained, looking down other two 
streets, that run parallel with the sides of the yard enclos 
ing the church. I am thus particular in describing the 
local position of the sacred edifice, that my readers may 
the better appreciate the following 

PRAISEWORTHY ANECDOTE. 

At the beginning of the season of Advent, our parson 
thought it advisable to open the church, of which he is the 
worthy incumbent, for daily service. This was something 
unusual in our village, but for a time, being a new thing, 
was well observed by the congregation, the attendance 
some days being very large, though after a while it pains 
me to mention it it fell off greatly. The zeal of the 
parishioners cooled with the weather, and finally froze up 
when the thermometer stood at zero. The following morn- 

O 

ing the mercury, falling five degrees lower, no one 
not even the deaf old woman who nods her head approv 
ingly at all the parson says appeared at the church ; 



246 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

only the sturdy, big-hearted parson himself was present. 
He proved himself, however, to be a man equal to the emer 
gency ; and, after ringing and tolling the bell I suppose 
the exercise kept him warm - the requisite number of 
minutes, the sexton being engaged in secular duties 
through the week, can only take his place at the bell-rope 
on Sundays, he passed from the tower into the vestry- 
room, and so into the chancel ; but finding no one present, 
he, in his white surplice, returned to the tower and retolled 
the bell. Then, after a few minutes of this exercise, he 
walked out to the flag-staff on the " green," and gazed wist 
fully up and down the several streets, in hope of seeing 
some one or more of his truant flock coming churchward. 
But in vain did he look. Only the wind and the snow were 
abroad ; so he returned sorrowfully, but not disheartened, 
to the church, and again, for the space of five minutes, 
tolled the bell. Then out to the flag-staff for an observa 
tion, when the wind seized upon his surplice, and, winding 
it about his head, completely blinded him. On his third 
visit to the " green," he beheld the old soldier hobbling up 
to the rescue. So he and the parson marched into church 
together ; and, though the ancient veteran is not much of 
a reader, nor, indeed, can scarcely see to follow the church 
service, as set forth in the book, yet the two managed to 
get safely through the proper duties of the sanctuary. 
Then my old soldier, arm-in-arm with our resolute parson, 
marched down the slippery streets, holding his cane of 
Charter Oak in one hand, to the old stone parsonage, where 
he dined with the parson, and, on account of his age and 
infirmities, was treated to a glass of aged port. 

On the ensuing day, though the weather exceeded in 
coldness the preceding one, yet, because of the above 
praiseworthy anecdote having been noised abroad, the daily 
morning service was fully attended, and the parish recov 
ered its former tone of sanctity. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 247 

But. to return to the donation : Every one who was any 
body was present ; and all, it is to be presumed, brought an 
offering of more or less value, proportioned to their means 
or disposition. I, for my part, being somewhat of a literary 
Bohemian, and possessing nothing of any value to give the 
parson, wrote for him, on sermon paper, the following lines. 
My modesty being in the way, prevented me from present 
ing the same to him before the assembled company. There 
fore it was that I placed them between the pages of his 
next Sunday s sermon, which was lying on the outside of 
his writing-desk in his study. Perhaps the text on which 
that particular sermon was written " If ice have sown 
unto you spiritual things, is it a great matter if we shall 
reap your worldly things ?" 1 Cor. ix. 11 may have had 
weight with the parson, and influenced him to leave the 
sermon itself in the somewhat careless place it occupied. 

I may as well here mention that the worthv man, beinor 

i/ */ o 

doubtless fully occupied during the two days intervening 
between the donation and the Sabbath in counting up his 
gains, and therefore having no time to devote to studying 
his sermons, did not come across my effusion till the fol 
lowing Sunday, when midway in his morning s discourse. 
Being written on sermon paper of a size corresponding to 
that he used, it did not arrest his attention until he raised 
his eyes to the top of the page, when he paused a moment, 
as if somewhat in doubt, but thinking. I suppose, it was a 
poetical quotation which he had himself selected, read the 
first two lines of it aloud, then suddenly stopped, appeared 
perplexed, run his eyes over the writing, shook his head 
negatively and solemnly, and, after carefully placing the 
MSS. between the leaves of the Bible beside him, proceeded 
with his own original discourse. 

Mrs. Gray, to use her own words, was " extremely morti 
fied and shocked, horrified and frightened," when she heard 
our parson deliver, with great emphasis, my somewhat un- 
classical lines, for she was well aware that I was the author. 



248 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

For my own part, I came very near choking, though my 
danger arose, as Mrs. G. said, " from wicked glee, instead 
of penitential grief." As for the rest of the congregation, 
they were rather amused at the circumstance, though some 
were in doubt as to what it all meant ; while the old lady 
who takes snuff termed them "very fine lines, so far as 
heard from." 

The following day I called on the learned doctor, and 
made an humble apology, which he accepted, and at the 
same time laid a portion of the blame on himself, for not 
reading over, as he was accustomed to, his sermon before 
he went into church. I think he will not fail henceforth to 
perform this little act. 

THE PARSON. 

Our parson is a model man, 

And by the church he lives, 
And, like a good Samaritan, 

To all who ask he gives. 
He freely gives them bread and wine 

Upon communion days 
And goodly precepts, line on line, 

And for each sinner prays. 

Our parson s short ; our parson s fat ; 

His hair is rather gray ; 
He hides it underneath his hat, 

And oils it every day. 
Most seemly gloves and boots he wears, 

Black coats and pantaloons ; 
And little heeds he worldly cares, 

But naps it afternoons. 

A learned man he is, forsooth ! 

And Greek and Latin knows ; 
He studied Hebrew when a youth, 

As many a sermon shows. 
And at the college, where he passed 

Four long and studious years, 
Much other knowledge ho amassed, 

Of which his parish hears. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 249 

So apt a scholar ne er was seen 

Within the college walls ; 
Yet did he wear a modest mien 

When walking through its halls. 
No pride nor scorn e er filled his breast, 

But humbly on his way 
He went, and honors round him pressed 

At each Commencement Day. 

And when his college course was run, 

The Faculty agreed 
He was his Alma-Mater s son 

Her favorite indeed. 
They also prophesied that he 

Would as a preacher shine ; 
And, afterwards, a grave D. D. 

They made the young divine. 

But thirty years have passed away 

Since he took up the cross, 
And those who never heard him pray 

Can t estimate their loss. 
For when he reads the daily prayers, 

So pleading is his voice, 
Each sinner loses half his cares, 

Each mourner doth rejoice. 

And when, this is no idle tale, 

But just the simple truth ; 
Nor ever was it known to fail 

With any maid or youth, 
And when the marriage form lie reads, 

That joins two loving hearts, 
Down the broad aisle, with frantic speed, 

Full many a couple starts. 

But having reached the chancel-rails, 

Their guardian angels come, 
So prudence over love prevails, 

And they, unwed, go home. 
But Cupid hovers round their way 

Until the angels sleep, 



250 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

And then the parson wins the day, 
And then the angels weep. 

Our parson married late in life, 

The fault was all his own, 
But he declared he d take no wife 

Till he was " let alone." 
For twenty mothers maybe more 

Full twenty years had stood, 
And praised their daughters o er and o er, 

And called them fair and good. 

Until at last, quite wearied out, 

And getting rather thin, 
Perhaps he felt a twinge of gout, 

Or something else akin. 
Hoping to end his days in peace, 

He gathered up his clothes, 
And packed them in a small valise, 

Then left his female foes. 

But where he went nobody knew 

Not even Mrs. Spy, 
Who is a gossip, and a shrew, 

And sees with half an eye. 
Though when two weeks had gone around, 

She said that he was dead : 
But this was false, for soon she found 

That he was only wed. 

And wisely had the parson done, 

And goodly was his choice ; 
No woman neath the blessed sun 

Could more his heart rejoice. 
And there within the parsonage, 

In peace they ve dwelt ten years ; 
Now may they reach a ripe old age, 

All free from grief and tears. 

It was a late hour that Mrs. Gray and myself bade good 
night to the dwellers in the old stone parsonage and their 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 251 

few remaining guests. The black boy drove us home. 
After we reached there, I noticed my wife s diminished 
figure, and requested her to explain to me the mystery. 
She answered by remarking that there were some things 
of which gentlemen should not know, and this was one of 
them. And so, disappointed, but still wondering in the 
matter, I retired to rest. I had a frightful dream in the 
night. I dreamed my estimable spouse was changed into 
a huge balloon, and one evening, as we were walking out 
together, she left me and went up to the moon. 

A few days afterwards the whole affair I mean the 
mystery and the dream was explained. I overheard, 
quite accidentally of course, my wife ask her cousin, Mrs. 
Day, whether she had yet seen the silk-webbed, self-in 
flating balloon skirt," that a very ingenious member of the 
ki Sewing Society " had invented. Her cousin, fortunately, 
had not. So Mrs. Gray took from her work-basket an 
article resembling in appearance a lady s netted silk bag, 
not much larger than my hand, and, placing it on the floor 
before her, it expanded, balloon-like, without any assistance, 
until it attained the shape of an immense pear. The whole 
contrivance appeared to me so very wonderful, yet in 
genious and simple, that I could not refrain from walking 
into the apartment where Mrs. G. and her cousin were, to 
examine the " thing " more closely ; and at the same time 
addressing Mrs. Gray, I remarked that this was a decided 
improvement on every kind of hooped skirt heretofore 
produced. No sooner, however, was my voice heard, than 
my amiable wife lifted the miraculous skirt from the carpet, 
and turning it upside-down, it dwindled, almost instantly, 
in size to the dimensions aforesaid. 

When I saw the " silk-webbed, self-inflating balloon skirt " 
shrink away as it did, I could not avoid asking Mrs. Gray 
whether, at all times, in all places, and under every circum 
stance, it would thus " perform," simply by being inverted ; 



252 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

for, if so, I should entreat her not to put herself within its 
treacherous embrace. 

Thereupon the cousin gave a little scream, and my wife, 
in a very dignified manner, desired me to leave the room ; 
with which desire I immediately and considerately com 
plied. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 253 




CHAPTER XLI. 

Mrs. G. and I take a Journey. " The Hamlet." March Winds. Old 
Particular. " Mudlark." Birds. " The Sugar-Cane Green." 
The Hostess. Fires. Shenstone. Up the Mountain. A Fine 
View. The Mountain Home. " The Angler s Song." 

RS. GRAY and I have been on a journey. We 
were absent from Hillside a month and over. 
Where we went no one, outside of the select cir 
cle of my bachelor friends, will ever exactly know. I will 
say, however, that we passed, on our way to this almost 
unknown place, sundry flocks of bluebirds, and other feath 
ered harbingers of spring, flying north. We also noticed, 
growing in open gardens, snow-drops, hyacinths, jonquils, 
and various other plants in flower, making the air redolent 
of summer. We likewise saw, edging the roadside, patches 
of grass ; and, in sunny nooks, violets, anemones, and straw 
berry blossoms. And, moreover, when we arrived at the 
end of our journey, were regaled with brook trout and 
green peas. 

I have no idea that the name of " The Hamlet " it is 
simply a cluster of houses, with a wooden church in the 
midst, built rather carelessly as regards regularity, in a lit 
tle valley up in the mountains, where we pitched our tert, 
not literally, but figuratively, I mean is to be found on 
any State or county map. Whether it is or not, I suppose, 
matters very little either to its inhabitants or to the readers 
of these sketches. Nor is it of any consequence to me or 
to mine. But, sequestered and unknown as it is, and of 
little note in this great world, yet did it answer exceedingly 
well our purpose. We found there exactly what we sought, 



254 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

namely, mild weather and blue skies ; we escaped all we 
endeavored to the clouded heavens and boisterous winds 
of March. 

These March winds put on rather high airs, and talk 
loudly among the tall pines and broad oaks that grow about 
Hillside. It is not altogether pleasant for Mrs. Gray to 
hear them. She remembered what they had said to her a 
year ago, and therefore she resolved not to listen to their 
savage remarks again. This it was, and nothing else, that 
caused Mrs. B. G. and myself to put our spring clothing to 
gether in one trunk, and, on a sunny morning towards the 
last of February, to depart in quest of a milder clime. 1 
said Mrs. Gray and I : let me add, moreover, the baby, the 
baby s nurse, and, for my own especial comfort and delight, 
the little black boy. The old soldier, assisted by the farm- 
dog Watch, we left behind, to keep watch and guard over 
Hillside. For other and good reasons, too, the cook re 
mained, sole mistress of the kitchen and its environs. 

" The Hamlet " was recommended to us by a convales 
cent friend, who had sojourned there a season, as the only 
place within three days travel of Hillside where we could 
find the climate we so greatly desired to encounter. To 
reach it, we took the cars after riding from Hillside to 
the railroad depot and went due south. We changed 
cars several times during that day and the following. We 
ate, or attempted to eat, several tedious beefsteaks and 
sundry portions of salted ham and eggs, during the same 
space of time. We also regaled ourselves or, at least, T 
did with various native teas and coffees, concocted, T 
imagined, from curled peach-leaves and roasted peas ; 
though Mrs. G. absolutely refused to partake of either of 
these beverages, and turned her attention exclusively to my 
private stock of "old particular," (vintage 1822; exceed 
ingly choice and delicate,) which, for greater safety, and 
through fear of sudden illness, I carried in my overcoat- 
pocket. We likewise slept, during the journey, on any 



J/F MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 255 

number of feather-beds, very warm and yielding, but not 
equal, I think, and so does Mrs. G., to hair mattresses. 

The third day we rode, in a westerly direction, three 
hours, in an old-fashioned stage-coach drawn by four 
horses, driven by a black boy who was at least fifty years 
of age. Just at noon we arrived at a little town called 
" Mudlark." 

" Singular name, this," I remarked to Mrs. G., when our 
black boy, who, stretched out on the top of the stage, leaned 
over its edge, and thrusting his curly pate into the opened 
wincing, had duly apprised me thereof, " but, doubtless, 
appropriate." 

" Yes," she replied, " so far as the mud goes it is ; " that 
particular commodity being up to the hubs of the wheels 
of our conveyance, as we passed into town ; " but regarding 
the lark I am not so certain." 

" But I am, Mrs. Gray," I continued. " That they have 
larks here, of one kind or another, I am sure, though they 
may only sing at night." 

" Do larks sing at night, Mr. G. ? " asked my wife. 
" Are n t you thinking of nightingales ? " 

" No, my dear," I answered ; " nor of whippoorwilla 
either, of which General Morris pipes ; nor of the skylark, 
of which Shelley warbles; nor of Robert of Lincoln, of which 
Bryant sings ; nor yet of the Poland rooster, of which 
Mr. Sparrowgrass chirps, nor, indeed, of any bird of 
which the poets speak ; but one, my love, of very different 
plumage from either of these." 

" Oh, yes ! " exclaimed Mrs. Gray, very cheerfully, " I 
know now you mean a night-owl ? " 

" A night howl ! Mrs. G.," I shouted, "a night howl ! 
that s the species of lark to which I refer." 

Luckily for Mrs. Gray, luckily, perhaps, for me, at 
the moment I ceased speaking, the stage stopped, after 
making two great crescents in the mud, where the wheels 
tracks, on each side of it, had first radiated and then con- 



256 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

verged, when, on a short gallop, we swept round a corner 
of the tavern, before the low door of " The Sugar-cane 
Green," and we and our family immediately deserted the 
places we occupied, and stepped on the soil of Mudlark. I 
said on, but I should have said into ; for once there, and we 
became almost fixtures. Any one riding past at railroad 
speed would doubtless have taken us for Mudlark s wax 
works, and thought well of the taste the town displayed ; 
or that we were ornamental figures done in terra cotta, and 
placed, through the munificence of its landlord, in the open 
space fronting the " Sugar-cane Green " inn. It was act 
ually, to me, a source of great anxiety to know whether 
Mrs. Gray had not become as immovable as was Lot s wife. 
Happily, though, this was not the case ; and after a reason 
able time, Mrs. G. as also the remainder of my family, 
including myself was, through the assistance of a dozen 
spry darkies, released from the unpleasant position, and 
received somewhat exhausted and faint, perhaps, but 
otherwise in fair condition under the dingy (caused by 
the smoke from burning pine-knots and tobacco freely in 
the bar-room) roof of " Sugar-cane Green." 

The hostess, a tall, dark-complexioned woman, with 
dark eyes, and dark hair, and dark-colored teeth, and wear 
ing a dark calico gown gored in the skirt to give it an 
extra fulness which, " hooked up " in front, though the 
hooks, evidently, were gone, and across whose shoulders a 
gay-colored bandanna, folded triangularly, was thrown, the 
ends of which, falling down beneath her chin, served in 
lieu of the hooks, the hostess (I must be permitted to 
repeat the word) took Mrs. Gray immediately, and literally, 
to her bosom and her hearth. 

Such another fire as was blazing in the deep chimney 
of the "best parlor" was only surpassed by the one that 
glowed in the bar-room. I do not believe their equals, in 
the matter of intense heat, could be found on the earth ; 
nor yet, it may be, in any other spot. The whole house 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 257 

was like an oven. I wondered whether or not they were 
baking feather-beds in the chambers. My curiosity was 
such, that I took the liberty of ascending the stairs to ex 
amine into the matter. I found that they were. The beds 
seemed to be nearly done. They appeared to be puffed up 
with heat, and were, apparently, as light as buns. I would 
not have slept in one of those peculiar institutions for 
numerous plantations. I should have turned out in the 
morning as brown as a mummy. What between " Mon- 
ongahela " and hot feather-beds, " mine host " looked like 
a copper image of some ill-used saint. Of course, it was 
impossible for us to stay in such a spot longer than an 
hour ; so, after partaking, to a limited extent, of a half- 
burned loaf of cornbread, an overdone beefsteak, and 
cracking a few hard-boiled eggs, we ordered private con 
veyances, two mules and a donkey, and prepared to go on 
our way rejoicing. 

" Mrs. Gray," I asked, as we sat toasting ourselves pretty 
brown in the parlor, just before our departure, " have you 
ever read Shenstone s poems ? " 

Mrs. G. had not. 

" That he was a truthful writer, my dear, I am," I con 
tinued, " this day convinced." 

Thereupon Mrs. G. desired my reasons. 

Listen, then," I replied, " while I repeat certain lines 
of his which were favorites with Dr. Johnson." I then 
repeated, very feelingly : 

" Whoe er has travelled life s dull round, 
Where er his stages may have been, 
May sigh to think he still has found 
The warmest welcome at an inn." 

When I ended, Mrs. Gray gave me to understand that 
she should never sigh to think that she received such a 
warm welcome at the " Sugar-cane Green." 

" But with whom," she asked, " did you say the lines 
were favorites ? " 

17 



258 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

" Dr. Johnson, my dear, Dr. Samuel Johnson," I an 
swered, " not Dr. John Johnson, of our village, but the 
celebrated Dr. Johnson, the Ursa Major the great bear, 
whose life has been written by a very wonderful man 
named Boswell." 

" Oh, yes ! " said my learned spouse, " I ve heard of 
him." 

" Heard of who ? " I asked. 

Mrs. G. said, " Boswell." 

Of course it was Boswell. 

The distance from Mudlark to " The Hamlet " is a trifle 
over five miles. The only road, a narrow mule-track, 
creeping up the side of the mountain, scarcely wide enough 
for a wheelbarrow. At last we started. The black boy, 
on foot, led the procession ; then followed Mr. Gray, on 
mule number one, bearing in his arms " our baby " ; after 
him came Mrs. Gray, on mule number two ; who was, in 
turn, succeeded by Nora, the nurse, on a stumpy little 
donkey, long-eared and ragged, carrying before her a well- 
filled carpet-bag. Our trunk we were obliged to leave at 
the " Sugar-cane Green " till the following dav. when it 

O O v 

reached the Mecca of our pilgrimage, escorted by four stout 
negroes, and showing, by signs not to be mistaken, that it 
had passed through a course of ground and lofty tumbling 
since we had parted company with it the previous day. 

It occurred to me, as we rode through the streets of 
Mudlark, on our way to " The Hamlet," that we were mak 
ing rather a fine appearance. I was convinced of this 
when greeted by cheers from three small boys, who met us 
as they were going to school. Our course lay I like to 
be particular in my accounts, for perhaps somebody might 
desire to visit " The Hamlet " in a direction a little 
south of east from the village of Mudlark. The way was 
all up-hill, and the path filled with large, loose stones, 
which made the travelling, especially for our four-footed 
friends, extremely uncomfortable. But they were doubt- 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 259 

less accustomed to it, and picked their way upward very 
carefully. Mrs. Gray and I sat our animals wonderfully 
well, nor met with a single mishap ; but Nora, poor girl ! 
was in a great deal of " throuble." She was continually 
falling off of her charger ; sometimes going over his head, 
"sometimes over his tail. She declared her misfortune 
was entirely owing to the black boy, who, in spite of 
all my orders to keep in advance, was constantly slipping 
behind, " and," she said, " was casting bits of rocks at the 
beast^ which made him unruly-like." Of course, when I 
asked the boy why he did thus, he denied the whole thing, 
and said it was just the donkey s own friskiness, and he 
guessed twas because he felt his thistles. And I believe it 
was, for I afterwards saw him applying a bunch of thistles 
to the animal s rear. 

There are numerous fine views to be obtained from 
various points on the shelving mountain-road, embracing 
many characteristics of land and water. A grand old forest 
of tall pines stretches from the base of the mountain, in a 
southerly direction, as far as the eye can reach, showing a 
heavy mass of dark-green foliage, interspersed occasionally 
with trees whose leaves are of a lighter shade. Hugging 
the forest in its silver folds is a narrow river, that glistens 
brightly in the sunlight as it passes onward to the sea. A 
level plain, showing already tender sprouts of green, spreads 
westward, from the opposite bank of the river, miles and 
miles, till lost to sight in the dim distance. Scattered at 
intervals over this plain are large mansions, with small 
houses and great red barns clustered about them, the centres 
of wide plantations. And also humble villages, composed 
of white cottages, lay here and there, looking like great 
pearls on the lap of mother Earth ; while far off, near where 
the river, grown broad and deep, bears up huge ships, the 
towers and spires arise of a great city. Beyond the city, 
where the horizon dips down into the ocean, a mist hangs 
low in the air a veil between sea and sky. To the north- 



260 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

ward, gray mountains rise majestically, and keep back the 
cold piercing winds and Arctic snows. Three small lakes, 
looking fair " dimples on the face of earth," lie, half hidden 
in spring s young foliage, on the plain. At times, dark 
shadows come sweeping over the picture, giving it a sombre 
appearance, until chased away by bright streaks of sunshine, 
that seem to sink into the earth, warming and strengthening 
her great bosom, till each tree and bush, plant and flower, 
fibre and seed, on and in it, feels a genial glow, and gains 
thereby more life, and strength, and beauty. 

I spoke somewhat thus to Mrs. Gray ; she said I had 
better cease talking, and give my attention solely to the 
baby, as she feared, unless I did, that, while making such 
poetical remarks, I might forget the child, and some acci 
dent befall him. Consequently, I said nothing more to my 
matter-of-fact wife regarding the scenery, but gave to him 
my attention, as she desired. Mrs. G. afterwards apologized 
for having addressed me in this manner, and added, that 
she was prompted thus to speak through fear I might let 
the baby fall. 

We reached " The Hamlet " shortly before sunset, and 
found, at the " Mountain Home," where our journey 
terminated, cheerful rooms, a well-spread table, gentle 
attentions, and a quiet house. 

" Mrs. Gray," I asked, while we were partaking of our 
tea and toast, " what do you think of The Hamlet ? " 

Mrs. G. replied that she thought well of it. 

" It is not the Hamlet, my dear," I continued, " of whom 
Shakspeare makes mention," Mrs. G. looked up inquir 
ingly, " not the royal Dane who loved the fair Ophelia." 

Mrs. G. said she knew, quite as well as I, that it was 
not. 

" Well, my dear," I replied, " since you know it, we will 
say no more about it." 

And so our conversation ceased, together with our tea 
and toast. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 261 

The following morning, while enjoying some speckled 
trout cooked in the most approved style, I remarked to 
Mrs. Gray that I was reminded, through the fish, of some 
lines our worthy parson had sent me, just previous to our 
leaving Hillside, in return for the verses I had given him 
on the occasion of his donation. 

" Ah ! " exclaimed Mrs. G., reproachfully, " and you 
have let me know nothing of them until now ; how shame 
ful ! " 

" I have scarcely had an opportunity," I replied ; " but if 
you would like to hear them, I will read them aloud." 

Thereupon Mrs. G. gave me to understand that she 
would like to hear them ; " but, I am not aware," she con 
tinued, " that the good man is addicted to writing poetry." 

" Oh, yes," I replied, " like Crabbe s Vicar, 

" Music and fishing are his arts ; at times 
He alters sermons, and he aims at rhymes ! 

" But the verses, Mr. Gray," asked my wife, " what are 
they entitled ? " 

"The parson, my dear," I replied, "termed them an 
&lt; Ode to Hail ! " 

" Did he mean," inquired my wife, " the Mrs. Hale who 
compiled a cook-book, containing directions in regard to 
frying trout ? " 

" No, my dear ; and, as I considered the title inappro 
priate, I took the liberty of altering it, and also inserted 
an impromptu verse from my facile pen. " 

Thereupon, without further remark, I proceeded to read 

THE ANGLER S SONG. 

BY OUR PARSON. 

Hail to the spring-time and the hills ! 

Hail to the meadows and the fog ! 
Hail to the gorges and the rills ! 

All hail the trout neath yonder log. 



262 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

Have good care, 
That s his lair ; 
Heigh-ho, hop, 
Flip, flap, flop. 

Hail to the shocking old straw hat, 

Second-hand trousers, coat, and boots, 
Box of gentles, lively and fat, 

All hail your hook in those old roots. 
Careless man, 
Mad as bran, 
Neither snap, 
Nor flip, flap. 

Blessed and calm the smiling morn ; 
Birds sing wheresoe er we roam ; 
Flowers the fields and woods adorn ; 
All hail my line midst dancing foam. 
Gentle one, 
This is fun ; 
Now then stop, 
Flip, flap, flop. 

See my slender, tapering rod, 

How it bends above the brook ; 
Firm I step upon the sod, 
For a fish is on my hook. 
Now, look out, 
Silent stand, 
And a trout 
Will kiss my hand. 

!* 

Hail the graceful silver gleam ! 

Lo ! a trout with sudden spring 
Forms a spray-bow o er the stream, 
And is added to my string. 
Do not stop ; 
Fishes flop, 
Verbum sap, 
Flip, flop, flap. 

When I ended my reading of the above lines, Mrs. Gray 
said that she thought she preferred the parson s sermons to 
his poetry ; but, she added, they certainly are original. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 263 

Whether she meant his sermons or poetry, I do not 
know, for a servant making his appearance at that moment 
with a fresh dish of trout, I gave my undivided attention 
to them, and forgot to ask my discriminating spouse to 
which her expression referred. 



264 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER XLIL 

Our Landlord. Frank s Letter. A Whippoonvill. The Black Boy s 
Nimbleness. His Aptitude for Business. Selling Eggs. Faus Eggs. 
" On Easter Day." 

HE landlord of the " Mountain Home," where Mrs. 
Gray and I sojourned during the month of March, 
is a noteworthy character. He is a tall, gray- 
haired, stout old man, about sixty years of age, and wears 
a flowing beard, a blue coat with gilt buttons, a buff waist 
coat, black knee-breeches, with silk stockings, and low- 
quartered shoes, ornamented with silver buckles. On Sun 
days and holidays he adds to this his usual costume 
an elaborate shirt-frill, and ruffles at the wrists. He carries 
a cane formed from some portion of " Old Ironsides " ; and 
from his fob, where dwells a gold repeater, massive seals 
antique and of strange device are pendent. lie is, 
withal, somewhat learned, quotes Shakspeare and the older 
poets aptly, and interlards his conversation with scraps of 
Greek and Latin. Each day he reads the Bible, Plutarch s 
Lives, and Froissart s Chronicles ; admires the characters 
of Don Quixote, Sir John Falstaff, and Baron Miinchau- 
sen, but entertains doubts concerning the truthfulness of 
the last-named personage ; considers Milton a bit of a wag ; 
terms old Burton not New York s favorite Burton, but 
he of the " Anatomy of Melancholy " a humorist ; and 
calls the divine Watts a gay fellow. He believes in Wash 
ington, Jefferson, and Calhoun ; thinks the public men of 
to-day have sadly degenerated from those of old, nor can he 
perceive any prospect of improvement in the coming ones. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 2fi5 

His theology is simple : the Bible is his guide. He endeav 
ors to live in accordance with the golden rule, and holds 
fast to the Ten Commandments. I should also mention that 
he is seldom without a copy of Isaack Walton in one pocket, 
and a book of flies in another. Of course he is addicted 
to angling, which he considers one of the fine arts, and is 
never weary of discoursing thereon. When I informed 
him that my worthy cousin, who resides at Maple Hill, pos 
sessed an admirable portrait of old Walton, copied, I believe, 
from an original, he manifested great desire to see it ; and, 
one evening, over his silver punch-bowl, gave me to under 
stand, that, if he had a letter of introduction to my cousin, 
he would take pleasure in visiting him, for the purpose of 
examining the above-mentioned portrait. So much for 
mine host of the " Mountain Home." Now for the house 
itself. 

There may be finer hotels in the country than the " Moun 
tain Home " - hotels better supplied with fresco and gilding, 
with plate-glass and cut-glass, with silver and china, with 
foreign dishes and foreign wines, and with servants and 
annunciators. Indeed, I know that there are. I recall to 
my mind several which, in the days of my bachelorhood, 
when I frequented them, greatly surpassed, in the particulars 
above enumerated, as also some others not mentioned, 
aught of a similar nature to be found at the " Mountain 
Home." 

But at none of the grand hotels of the country can you 
find such white table-cloths and napkins, such lavendered 
sheets and snowy curtains, such appetizing food and pure 
wines, such conscientious bells and civil servants, or a more 
gentlemanly landlord, not even among the Cozzens or 
Coleman families, than Mrs. Gray and I found at the 
" Mountain Home." The building itself makes no preten 
sions to architectural display, but is a simple, unostentatious 
structure of one story, making up in breadth what it lacks 
in height, it being spread over a large tract of ground, 



266 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

forming the four sides of a square, with an open court 
yard in the area. Above the main entrance to the house, 
and half hidden by a climbing vine, are inscribed the fol 
lowing lines : 

" All the comforts of life in a tavern are known : 
Tis his home who possesses not one of his own ; 
And to him who has rather too much of that one. 
Tis the house of a friend, where he s welcome to run. 
The instant you enter my door, you re my lord, 
With whose taste and whose pleasure I m proud to accord ; 
And the louder you call, and the longer you stay, 
The more I am happy to serve and obey." 

With such a motto over the doorway," I said to Mrs. 
Gray, " we must surely find comfort and pleasure within." 
Nor were we, I am happy to say, disappointed. 

My time was passed principally in fishing and shooting, 
eating and sleeping, riding and walking, talking with mine 
host, and giving good advice to the black boy. Mrs. 
Gray generally accompanied me in my walks and drives, 
and at other times was engaged in various feminine occu 
pations. What with the summer-like weather, the absence 
of cares, and change of scene, the roses came back to her 
cheeks, the bloom returned to her lips, and light shone 
from her eyes. 

My friend Frank wrote me once during my absence from 
home, and it affords me pleasure to lay his communicati "" 1 
before my readers. 

" Within the Shadow of the Female CoUe/je. 

" MY MARRIED FRIEND, The almanac tells me that 
it is nearly time for me to look for your return to Hillside ; 
but as I promised that I would write you a letter during 
your sojourn abroad, I will even fulfil it. 

" Since you left, affairs in the village have progressed 
slightly. Breadstuffs and whalebones have advanced. Veal 
is coming in ; likewise eggs and maple-sugar. So much 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 2G7 

for the market. In politics there is but little occurring: 
politicians have apparently gone to seed, though we have 
had an election here, and run in our candidate for the office 
of President of the village. He is pledged to sustain the 
Troubadours ; to put down street-beggars and gas-pipes in 
the principal thoroughfares ; to give a large and fashion 
able party ; and to subscribe for your Hillside volume. It 
was doubtful, at one time in the forenoon of the election 
day, whether we could elect our man ; but we managed to 
buy, for a mere song and a bottle of champagne, the editor 
of the Star-Spangled Banner, and his afternoon edition 
of it, over to our side, which threw such a damper upon 
the old fogies ranks that it enabled us to bring up to the 
polls with a rush, our Anglo - Celtic, Anglo - Franco, and 
Anglo- Germanic friends, who, going in for their rights, in 
an unparalleled manner swept everything before them ; 
and our worthy townsman was returned by his constituents 
to the tune of Old Hundred, that is, by one hundred 
majority. The following day the Star-Spangled Banner 
lost fifty-six subscribers. 

" Of course the party, which our new President is pledged 
to give, will not come off until after the season of Lent, of 
which we are now, I regret to hear, only in the middle. 
Speaking of Lent reminds me that some of the blue- 
lights, in the meeting-house over the bridge, assert that 
you left here simply to escape keeping Lent faithfully. 
They think, too, that you have lost your religion. This is 
simply slander, and I mention it only that you may know 
what the gossips are saying. Try to be home by Good 
Friday ; for we can t tell how soon after that period the 
party will come off. 

" I have news to tell you concerning our bachelor friends. 
John, of Arbor proclivity, has, I am pleased to state, en 
tirely reformed, and thinks of becoming a candidate for 
some foreign consulship. 

" Our tall friend P. has been chosen one of the Exam- 



268 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

ining Committee of the pupils at the Female College for 
the approaching Commencement. He is quite elated by 
the honor, and is so occupied in cramming himself with 
the classics, mathematics, and other studies preparatory to 
assuming his high duties, that he finds no time to go out 
with the Troubadours. We regret this the more as he has 
a fine bass voice, which we need. 

" The Judge is, as usual, full of wise saws and speeches. 
Our remaining friends Fred, one or two other Johns, 
and the balance of the Troubadours are slowly but 
surely approaching the threescore-years-and-ten of man s 
life, with hearts filled with faith and hope. 

" As for myself, I am, as usual, paying devoted attention 
to sundry young ladies, and in the interim am settling up 
my affairs preparatory to starting for Japan, where I pro 
pose taking up and following earnestly the business of a 
wandering minstrel. 

" Yours, slightly sub rosa, FRANK. 

"Postscriptum. The grass has made its appearance on 
the village green ; I also hear the croaking of frogs, just at 
nightfall, in the marshes. Please present my respects to 
Mrs. Gray. F." 

Of course, after reading what my friend Frank had writ 
ten, I could not do otherwise than be at home on Good 
Friday. So it came about that Mrs. Gray and I, one day 
early in April, bade good-bye to the residents of the " Moun 
tain Home," where we had passed nearly six weeks of genial 
rest, and rode the mules, made ready for us, down the moun 
tain, to Mudlark ; and from thence onward, by stages and 
rail-cars, did we return home. 

But we need not to have been in so great haste to get 
back, for, though now the last of April, our new President 
has not yet redeemed his pledge with a party ; nor, so far 
as I can learn, does he propose giving one. I sometimes 
think that Frank invented the story for the purpose of 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 269 

bringing me home. I am certain he invented the fable 
concerning the grass on the village green, as patches of 
snow linger there even now ; and further, regarding the 
croaking of frogs, I am quite doubtful as to its truthfulness. 
I believe he heard some other voices of the night, perhaps 
the waul of some stray grimalkin on the house-top, calling 
for his love. 

We actually have, however, in the woods at Hillside, 
which is some little distance south of the spot where Frank 
dwells, a whippoorwill. What this singular bird can be 
doing in this latitude at this season of the year, is more 
than I can tell. I have consulted Audubon on the subject, 
without any satisfactory result. Whippoorwills, he says, 
cannot be expected to arrive in this part of the country 
much, if any, before June. 

Mrs. Gray, having never seen a whippoorwill, is ex 
tremely desirous of beholding one. To please Mrs. G., 
therefore, I have sent the little black boy no less than five 
different times, on as many evenings, to capture said bird. 
He returns, I am sorry to say, unsuccessful from each ex 
pedition. My patience is quite exhausted. 

" What is the use," I asked my wife, " of possessing a 
little black boy, unless he can catch whippoorwills ? " 

Mrs. Gray suggested that, peradventure, they are not 
easy to catch. 

With one s hands alone, of course not, Mrs. G.," I re 
plied ; " but remember, if you please, the extent and variety 
of weapons the lad possesses wherewith to capture the 
bird. Have not I taken great pains in fitting out that boy 
as a sportsman ? Have not I given him almost everything, 
in the way of artillery, that he has asked for ? Is n t his 
bedroom a perfect arsenal ? There is the old revolution 
ary sword which belonged to your great-uncle, the gen 
eral ; and the bent harpoon which was owned by my 
grandfather, the sea-captain ; and the dirk presented to 
me by our cousin, the midshipman, just before he sailed for 



270 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

the coast of Africa ; and the new hatchet with which the 
little rascal cut down my choicest cherry-trees ; and the 
fish-lines and hooks, and the landing-net that my friend 
the parson gave me ; and the rusted musket that I carried 
when a corporal in the State Militia, together with a basket 
of fresh salt, some bullets, and a powder-flask." 

" What on earth, Mr. Gray," inquired my wife, " did you 
carry a basket of fresh salt for when a corporal ? " 

" Pshaw ! my dear, don t pretend that you do not under 
stand my meaning : you know I referred to the little black 
boy s possessions, and not to what Corporal Gray carried. 
And now permit me to ask you, Mrs. G.," I continued, 
" who would desire more than these weapons simply to 
enable them to catch whippoorwills ? " 

Mrs. Gray thereupon replied that she really could not 
say if any one would , " but," she added, after a pause, 
" would it not be well to furnish the black boy with a 
ladder?" 

" No," I replied ; " that boy is just as nimble as a squirrel. 
I have seen him ascend a tree, where the smoothness of the 
trunk was unbroken by branch or spur for thirty feet, with 
the greatest ease ; and then, after reaching the limbs, up 
he would go till the topmost bough bent and swayed be 
neath his weight, as if a strong wind was stirring it. Oh, 
a fine sailor-boy was spoilt, Mrs. Gray, when that lad came 
to Hillside to do chores. " 

But for all this, up to this time, he has signally failed in 
his attempts to catch the whippoorwill. 

The little black boy, one way and another, has become 
the proprietor of a dozen or more of hens ; and for their 
eggs, he finds a purchaser in me. A few days after Pans 
he came to me with nearly four dozen, which I immediately 
bought, paying for them the highest market-price. The 
following day the cook had occasion to use some eggs. She 
took such as she wanted from the lot purchased of him. 
The first she broke proved to be a hard-boiled one ; the 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 271 

second was even harder boiled than the former ; and the 
third turned out even harder than the others : in short, the 
eggs had all undergone the process of boiling. They 
proved to be eggs that he had won from the square-shaped 
boys at the Dutch settlement over the hill at Pans, by pink 
ing or cracking eggs with them. 

I could not help wondering whether or not the egg the 
black boy used for he told me he won them all with one 
would not, if it had undergone incubation, have pro 
duced a most wonderful gamecock. I even asked him his 
opinion in the matter. He replied he guessed t would 
have hatched out a foreign bird of the China breed, be 
cause t was made of porcelain. I have come to the con 
clusion that the boy is a smart lad, and I told him so ; but 
at the same time I gave him to understand that if he sells 
me again with his eggs, he will himself be used in a very 
unpleasant manner. 

But it is not always that I am so unfortunate in my spec 
ulations. Sometimes I have an unprecedented run of good 
luck, often, too, without any exertion or risk on my own 
part. Easter proved itself to be, for me, a red-letter day. 
Not only did our matin eggs make their appearance at the 
breakfast-table, stained a deep-red color, typical thereby 
of the blood shed for us by our Saviour, but, while Mrs. 
Gray and I were preparing ourselves for church, a robin- 
redbreast lighted at our chamber-window, and poured forth 
a very Easter-hymn of joy and thankfulness. And as if 
this were not sufficient to make the day memorable, after 
church the black boy, who unknown, of course, to me 
had returned to Hillside by way of the express - office, 
brought with him a box which he had found there, with my 
address upon it, containing half a score of presents from 
my esteemed and generous friend Rowley. 

Under the influence, perhaps, of that contained within 
one of the above-mentioned presents, I indited the follow 
ing ballad-like verses, which, with my thanks, I afterwards 
sent to the well-beloved donor. 



272 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 



ON EASTER-DAY. 

At Hastings dwells a friend of mine ; 
He raises grapes, and he maketh wine. 
There came a knock at my outer door, 

On Easter-day, on Easter-day, 
While one exclaimed, " Here s half a score 

Tall bottles for you, bold Barry Gray." 

I took the gentle strangers in ; 

To keep them out were a deadly sin ; 

I stood them up in a formal row, 

On Easter-day, on Easter-day, 
And brush d their coats from ice and snow, 

Then shouted aloud, " Sweet Mistress Gray ! " 

The lady came with quiet speed : 

" Can I do aught for my good lord s need ? " 

I bade her look at the oaken floor, 

On Easter-day, on Easter-day. 
She viewed the strangers o er and o er, 

Then, " Are they for you, dear Barry Gray ? " 

" They are for me, my love," I cried ; 
My voice had a tone of boastful pride ; 
" My friend who lives on the Hudson s shore, 

On Easter-day, on Easter-day, 
Has culled them from his choicest store, 

To gladden our hearts, fair Mistress Gray." 

Each bottle bore a dainty crest, 

And coat of arms upon its breast, 

On which appeared, in a golden frame, 

On Easter-da} 7 , on Easter-day, 
The year of vintage, and the name 
Of grape from which the good wine came, 

To warm the blood of Barry Gray. 

And while I read, a foolish pain 
I d conquered time and time again, 
Stirred in my breast to its inner core, 
On Easter-day, on Easter-day ; 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 273 

For there appeared, in a ruby score, 
The name of one who, years before, 
Had moved the heart of Barry Gray. 

My lady spoke, " I pray you tell 

The rich grape s name 1" " T is the Isabel." 

Nor dared I venture to utter more, 

On Easter-day, on Easter-day ; 
But when the wine I slowly pour, 
My thoughts fly to the Hudson s shore, 

Though I toast aloud sweet Mistress Gray. 

* 18 



274 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER XLIIL 

Death of the Old Soldier. His Obituary. His Funeral. The Black 
Boy s Grief. Leaving Hillside. Wild Oats. Letters. 

ILLSIDE is Hillside no longer. Its glory is de 
parting. The old soldier has finished his Fourth- 
of-July visit. He has ended his race upon earth. 
He has gone, covered with scars, and wrapped in his tat 
tered flag, to the grave. The aged warrior, alas ! is dead 
and buried. 

He had been ailing for some weeks, but was about much 
as usual, attending to little out-of-door affairs until within a 
few days of his decease. The night previous to his death 
he requested my presence at his bedside, when he told me 
that he felt the blood growing cold in his veins ; that he 
was a most done with the things of earth ; that he had 
fought the good fight, and, he hoped, not in vain ; that he 
knew his hours were numbered ; that his name, before the 
morning watch, would be added to the long list of soldiers 
who had marched before him, and that when the roll was 
called at daybreak in the other world, he would be there to 
answer. 

These were the last words the old soldier spoke. I sat 
beside his bed through the night, musing upon his some 
what eventful life, and watching, with great anxiety, each 
change in his countenance. He slept very peacefully, 
waking but twice during the night, and then remaining 
awake only long enough to sign for a glass of wine to 
moisten his lips. Nature seemed in him completely ex 
hausted ; but I entertained hopes that by good nursing, and 
keeping up his strength with gentle stimulants, he might 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 275 

yet be restored to health. Just before dawn, however, he 
awoke, and I instantly perceived that the hand of death was 
on him. He strove to raise himself up in bed, but was 
too weak, and before I could reach him he had fallen back 
upon his pillow, and the spirit of the old soldier had " re 
turned to God who gave it." 

The following obituary, which I cut from the columns of 
the " Star-Spangled Banner," contains all that will interest 
the readers of these Sketches concerning the old soldier. 

4 

OBITUARY. 

ANOTHER REVOLUTIONARY HERO GONE. 

DEATH OP EBEXEZER BABCOCK. We were pained to 
learn of the death of the old soldier whose name is placed 
at the head of this article. He expired on Tuesday morn 
ing, April 28th, at Hillside, the residence of Barry Gray, 
Esq., in the ninety-second year of his age. His funeral 
obsequies took place on Thursday afternoon, at four o clock. 
He was buried with military honors. The " Continentals 
76, of which corps he was an honorary member, escorted 
his remains to their last resting-place. The three old 
soldiers Samuel Sampson, Job Eipley, and Joseph 
Thompson, his companions in arms who reside in the 
village, appeared on the ground as chief mourners. The 
Freemasons also turned out to do him honor, he being, at 
the time of his death, a member of Saint John s Lodge. 
The procession which followed him to his grave made 
rather an imposing appearance. The number of people 
assembled was quite large. The President of the Village, 
the Editor of the " Star-Spangled Banner," the Sheriff of 
the county, " Mine Host " of the Spread Eagle," the pro 
prietor of the " Red Jacket Garden," Jones of the - Arbor," 
Mr. Gray s bachelor friends, and numerous other distin 
guished characters, were present. 

The old soldier had himself selected the spot wherein to 



276 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

be buried. It is on the Hillside farm, but nearly a half 
mile distant from the dwelling-house, under the spreading 
branches of a noble oak-tree, known as the " New Charter 
Oak." The ceremonies which took place, both at the house 
and grave, were of a very interesting and imposing char 
acter. The body, up to the time it left the house, was in 
possession of the Masons, who, we understand, took upon 
themselves the charge of defraying the funeral expenses. 
The Grand Master of the order made some feeling re 
marks. He began by speaking of the age of the deceased 
brother, who lived longer than the usual time allotted to 
man. He alluded to his having fought and bled for his 
country, and, indeed, gave quite a little sketch of his life. 
From his remarks we learned that Ebenezer Babcock was 
a native of Vermont. That he was born on the first day 
of April, 1766, near Bennington. That his father was 
killed in one of the earliest battles of the Revolution ; and 
he himself, though a lad during the war, was in several of 
its engagements, and received a gunshot wound at the bat 
tle of Eutaw, which disabled him for further service during 
the continuance of the war. 

He was with General Stark at the battle of Bennington, 
and acted as drummer-boy on that memorable occasion. 
He remembered distinctly hearing Stark make the noted 
little speech, relative to his wife sleeping a widow ; and re 
called with pleasure the feeling of courage with which those 
few words had animated the soldiers. 

When war broke out in 1812, he was among the first to 
rally around his country s flag. He fought in many of the 
principal battles of that war, being several times wounded, 
once taken prisoner, and once left for dead on the field. 
His life had been a hard one. He had for some years past, 
however, been in receipt of a pension, which had enabled 
him to live in comfort. He had never married ; nor had 
he a single relative, that he knew of. living. He had great 
regard and honor for General Scott, whom he resembled 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 277 

somewhat in appearance. The Grand Master closed by 
hoping that the ancient veteran had at last found rest 
within one of the many mansions in his Father s house. 
At the close of the remarks the military received the 
body, and the procession being formed, proceeded with it 
towards the grave. At the entrance of the field the cler 
gyman, from the old stone parsonage, commenced reading 
the burial service, as set forth in the service of the Episco 
pal Church. After its conclusion the " Continentals 76 " 
fired a^ volley over the grave ; and then, deeply impressed 
with the uncertainty of human life, the assembly dispersed 
to their proper homes. 

I have but little more to add, except that the black boy 
made his appearance at the funeral, with a weed of crape 
attached to his cap, over a yard in length, that trailed almost 
on the ground behind him as he walked. He also pro 
ceeded to the old soldier s resting-place in the evening, 
after the burial, taking with him his rusty musket, and there 
passed more than an hour firing volleys over the grave. It 
was his intention to have fired as many times as the old 
man had passed years, but his powder giving out, he was 
obliged to postpone a portion of the salute until another 
season. No one at Hillside, or elsewhere, I dare say, 
mourns for the old warrior more deeply and truly than the 
little black boy. They were warm friends, and the soldier 
enjoyed nothing better than sitting by the kitchen-fire o 
winter evenings, telling stories of Revolutionary times to 
him ; and he, in turn, liked nothing better than listening to 
them. The old patriot left to the lad all of his wealth, 
comprising nearly a hundred dollars in gold, and his well- 
worn suit of regimentals ; which last the boy takes great 
pride in wearing, notwithstanding they are acres too big 
for him. The cane of Charter Oak he bequeathed to me, 
with strict injunctions never, so long as I lived, to allow 
it to pass from my possession. 



278 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

I began this chapter with saying, Hillside is Hillside 
no longer. This is even so. After to-morrow it will have 

O 

passed into other hands than mine. Its broad acres, its 
tall trees, its fields and meadows, even the old soldier s 
grave, will belong to another than me. Another mistress 
than Mrs. Gray will preside over its household ; other ba 
bies perchance than ours will laugh and cry in its nursery ; 
and another little black boy will be doing " chores " for its 
new possessor. Various circumstances induced us to dis 
pose of the place to the highest bidder. We had plans 
that could not be consummated while dwelling at Hillside. 
I am not at liberty to state what their nature is. Further 
more, we wished to educate our son in a proper manner. 
The advantages in the vicinity of Hillside for learning are 
not of a satisfactory nature. The schools are very far from 
being all we desire. To be sure, the lad is still young, and 
there will be ample time for educating him, even if we 
should not leave Hillside for the next half dozen years ; 
but then, too, we ourselves desire different society from that 
we find around us. Mrs. Gray does not think Neighbor 
Pound a fitting associate for me ; neither do I consider his 
daughter, Miss Elmira Pound, who stole our baby, a proper 
companion for my wife. The village is too distant for us 
to see much company, especially as the road is bad and ac 
companied with much up-hill. It would not do. however, 
for us to go into the village to reside. My bachelor friends 
would each prove, so Mrs. G. thinks, a separate temptation, 
inducing me to neglect my family, and become not only an 
enthusiastic Troubadour, but a goer to circuses and wild- 

O 

beast shows, and, possibly, a frequenter of the "Arbor " 
saloon. Once, and but once, I suggested to Mrs. Gray the 
propriety of our removing to the village ; but she negatived 
the plan so energetically that I was contented to say noth 
ing further about it, and left the matter entirely with my 
estimable spouse to decide as she might consider best. 
Had it pleased her to remove to Turkey, or to the interior 



FE AT HILLSIDE, 279 

i r-ev"-r a word against it, but 
i.&lt;t*t jux paring for such re- 

t -r. "Mrs. "irav decidc&lt;! to go to 
i o r rh&lt;. !luu&lt;on. She might 

[ e &lt; s i: . u score ot bachelor 
ih bo ;-] . ;is&lt; ,] tu liave IDC i !;ce 
ii! H j^Iu J !.. show TTIO the ; c--v 
:nc c^Ti^iut, iM\. Vy lacy ac- 

iuunej ous. Some of u,y i id 

.-,-..- -,. -1, c- 



e MTV kind fr:, ;.! of T-iii:; will !. 
..r&gt;-t v,li .riiiu oi.i i 



resides then ; ;i.;u (;;; wife. I uude r -,"and. -^ : 
i Coninit-ud i, t 10 now places u:id new 



280 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

The black boy has just brought me a note from my 
bachelor friends, the contents of which, being somewhat of 
a flattering character, I cannot forbear transcribing, for the 
perusal of my numberless readers. 

" THE ARBOR SALOON. 

" DEAR SIR, Your worthy bachelor friends, hearing 
with regret that you are about to bid farewell to Hillside, 
where they have at different times partaken freely of your 
well-known and generous hospitality, have deputed us, 
a committee appointed for the purpose, to tender you. before 
your departure from their midst, as a slight testimonial of 
their respect and regard for you as a gentleman, a scholar, 
and a boon companion, a complimentary dinner at the Ar 
bor Saloon. 

" We would respectfully suggest that Wednesday, the 
sixth instant, at eight o clock P. M., if it suits your con 
venience, would be an appropriate day being the anni 
versary of the formation of the Troubadour Society on 
which this pleasant affair should come off. Cordially 
yours, 

" FRANK, Secretary of Troubadours, 
" JOHN, formerly of Arbor proclivity, 
" JOHN, of the Moneyed Institution, 

" Committee. 
" To Barry Gray, Esq." 



MY ANSWER. 

" GENTLEMEN, Your invitation is before me. In reply, 
it will afford me much pleasure to meet my bachelor friends 
at the place and time suggested therein. Believe me when 
I say I highly appreciate the compliment you are pleased 
to offer me ; and only regret that my intended departure 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 281 

has called forth this expression of regard from you. "With 
feelings of great respect, I remain, gentlemen, yours faith 
fully, BARRY GRAY. 
" To Frank, Secretary of Troubadours, 

John, formerly of Arbor proclivity, 

John, of the Moneyed Institution, 

" Committee." 



282 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 




CHAPTER XLIV. 

The Dinner. My Deportment. Outside Expenses. A Clean Breast. 
" Star-Spangled Banner s " Report. Speeches. " The Song." 1 inis. 

| HE complimentary dinner, of which mention was 
made in the preceding sketch, "came off" at the 
place and time therein specified. My modesty, 
however, is of such a nature as to prohibit me from de 
scribing, as fully as I otherwise should, the affair wherein 
I sustained a most prominent place. Still, I do not feel 
that the matter should be passed over in entire silence. 
It is, indeed, due to my bachelor friends, especially that 
portion of them who are connected with the Troubadours, 
that some mention should be made of the same. Their 
modesty in no wise stands in the way. They have no wives 
who will rise up and chide them for having engaged in said 
performance. They have no children who are in the least 
liable to be injured by the example set them. Neither will 
their consciences ever trouble them for having thus in 
dulged. In consideration, therefore, of all these circum 
stances, I feel in duty bound to make some reference to 
the farewell dinner at which I was the honored euest. 

O 

During the time that intervened between the receipt of 
my invitation and the dinner itself, I occupied a great many 
leisure moments preparing an address, which I intended 
to deliver on the occasion. Furthermore, I spent a large 
portion of time before our largest mirror practising striking 
attitudes and graceful gestures. When I thought I had 
become quite perfect in these, I invited Mrs. Gray to witness 
my evolutions. I am sorry to say that she laughed out- 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 283 

right at them. She wished to know if I had Saint-Vitus s- 
dance. I reminded her, she said, of a dancing-jack. 
Thereupon I told Mrs. G. that her presence, as a witness 
to my proceedings, was not required. So Mrs. Gray ma 
jestically retired. Afterwards, while still engaged in get 
ting up my deportment, I heard a smothered laugh and a 
chuckle proceeding from an adjoining room ; on opening 
the door leading thereto, I caught the little black boy, with 
his eye at the keyhole. I am very positive that there was 
no^more laughter from him that afternoon. For several 
days I visited quite regularly a colored barber, who took 
more than usual pains in dressing my hair and trimming 
my beard and whiskers. I even ordered a new, white Mar 
seilles vest from a fashionable New-York tailor, and " went 
in " for the adornment of my outer man in a decidedly liberal 
style. I had several private interviews with many of my 
bachelor friends, who assured me, quite confidentially, that 
it was a very great honor they were about to do me, and 
that the affair would cost a considerable sum of money. 
They trusted, too, as the times were hard, that I would be 
a little generous in the matter, and give some small amount 
towards defraying various outside expenses. What these 
expenses were they did not tell me, though I think that 
the proprietor of the " Arbor " could give, if he chose, a 
correct account of the same. For my own part, I know 
it is a very expensive thing to be the " honored guest " of 
a complimentary dinner. I think that hereafter I shall 
decline respectfully, of course, but decidedly all such 
invitations. Judging from what thi.j little affair cost me, 
I have come to the conclusion, that he must be a very 
wealthy man indeed who can afford to accept from his 
fellow-citizens a service of plate. I would much rather be 
asked to subscribe to building a church, erecting a lunatic 
asylum, or founding a hospital for decayed beggars. 

The evening on which this affair came off, I gave Mrs. 
Gray to understand that I should be away from home, at- 



284 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

tending to business of importance connected with the 
building of our new church now in process of erection, 
something, I told her, in the way of a vestry meeting. 
Thereupon Mrs. G. desired to know if I were one of 
the vestrymen. I told her no, but that I meant to be a 
candidate next year, if anything should prevent our con 
templated removal from the village. 

" Then, Mr. Gray," exclaimed my wife, " allow me to say 
that you will have to reform considerably before that period 
comes round, if you would hope to stand any chance of an 
election." 

I know it is very wrong in me to attempt to deceive Mrs. 
Gray, as I sometimes do, because I am always certain to be 
found out. Even if Mrs. G. did not discover my little in 
accuracies, I am still inclined to think that it would be 
morally wrong thus to act. I endeavor faithfully, by pre 
cept if not example, to inculcate in the black boy a love of 
truth. I punish him severely whenever I know of his 
deceiving me. He has learnt by heart the story of Ananias 
and Sapphira. I was in hopes that when he knew of the 
fate which befell them, it would cure him of his fault. I 
am not certain, however, that it has had any effect on him. 

"When on the point of leaving Hillside for the scene of 
festivity, Mrs. Gray suggested to me the plan of taking with 
me the black boy, for fear I might be weary after the meet 
ing, and require some one to drive me home. I thought 
Mrs. Gray spoke rather ironically, so I declined his com 
panionship, and expressed my ability to take care of myself 
under any circumstances. 

Then she advised me not to get into argument with any 
one composing the vestry, in regard to church-affairs, for 
excitement brought on through debate was not good for 
me ; " and be sure, my dear," she added, " to return home 
as soon as the meeting is adjourned." 

I promised to bear in mind all Mrs. G. advised, and, if 
possible, to act in accordance with it. So, after bidding 



J/r MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 285 

her good-evening, I took my departure. I cannot say that 
I carried away with me a very light heart. I felt that I 
was doing wrong in thus deceiving Mrs. Gray. Indeed, I 
did not feel certain that she was deceived. From her 
manner and tone of voice when we parted, I began to sus 
pect that she might, after all, be informed of my intentions. 
I felt decidedly uncomfortable about it, I mean the deceit 
I was practising on my trusting wife. Look at it in what 
ever light I would, and from the most favorable point of 
A ielv, it did not seem to me that I w r as doing right. By the 
time I reached the foot of the hill, I had decided what 
course to pursue ; and, therefore, turning my horse about, 
I retraced my way to the house. 

I found my wife in the nursery, seated beside the crib 
wherein our little boy was sleeping. I do not think there 
were tears upon her cheeks, though her eyes were moist 
and a sigh trembled on her lips. She expressed surprise 
at my return, and said she supposed that I had forgotten 
my handkerchief though she had laid one on the dress 
ing-table for me. I told her it was for no handkerchief I 
had come back, but to tell her truly where it was, and for 
what purpose, I was going. Then I told my sweet one all 
about it, and showed her the letters that had passed between 
the committee and myself, and read her the little song I had 
written for the occasion, and kissed her, and was sorry that 
she could not accompany me, to be present at the dinner. 
And all the time she looked so happy, and smiled, and 
pressed my hand at this confidence on my part, that really 
it would have given me more pleasure to remain at home 
with her through the evening than to have gone down 
among my bachelor friends. But I was expected by them, 
and at last, entirely to please her, and at her earnest re 
quest, for the second time I bade her good-bye, and drove 
away. It was astonishing how different a man I felt. There 
was no weight on my heart any longer. I had nothing to 
conceal, and should not be expected home till late in the 



286 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

night. I confess that the feelings I experienced were 
altogether new, strange, and delightful. The perfect secu 
rity I felt of not being found out having nothing to hide 

made me laugh aloud. The idea of my riding down to 
the village in the evening for the purpose of attending a 
dinner, given by my bachelor friends, while Mrs. Gray was 
cognizant of the whole thing, and had actually, as I may 
say, indorsed it with her approval, was in itself so strange 
that I could scarcely realize it. Henceforth, said I to my 
self, I will do nothing without first informing Mrs. (1. of my 
intentions. I will no longer hide anything from her ; and 
who knows, I thought, but that next year I may so far 
have reformed as, after all, to be elected a vestryman. 

The accompanying account of the dinner appeared, a few 
days since, in the " S tar-Spangled Banner," and as it con 
tains a full description of the affair, I take the liberty of 
embodying it in the present sketch. 

THE PUBLIC DINNER TO BARRY GRAY. 

It becomes our duty as an impartial journalist one 
who records all matters of interest going on in our midst 
to describe the brilliant affair which took place on the 
evening of Wednesday, May the 6th, at the " Arbor Sa 
loon." We refer to the complimentary dinner given to 
Barry Gray, Esq., previous to his leaving our vicinity, 
by his bachelor friends, and particularly that portion of 
them which constitute " The Troubadours." We OURSELF, 
though not a bachelor, nor yet a " Troubadour," albeit we 
have an excellent voice, and lead one of the church choirs, 

received, in our capacity of editor of the " Star-Spangled 
Banner," an invitation (through politeness of committee) to 
attend, and which, our better half being absent, we cor 
dially accepted. 

To any one acquainted with Jones, of the " Arbor," we 
need only say that, for style in getting up the provender and 
putting it on the table, it surpassed anything of the kind 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 287 

we had ever seen. The bills of fare used on the occasion 
were not, however, as showy as we would have got up in 
our office, had the job been given us. They were struck 
off at the office of " The Teetotalist," the temperance pa 
per, and of course were done in a slovenly manner. The 
names of many of the wines were spelt wrong : for exam 
ple, Heidsieck was changed to Headsick, Mouton to Mut 
ton, Rudesheimer to Ruddy Shiner, Nesmeli to Nose- 
mellow, and Burgundy to Blue Monday. Such impor 
tant ^typographical errors as these could not possibly have 
occurred in the printing establishment attached to the 
" Star-Spangled Banner." Our compositors are too well 
acquainted with good wines ever to make such stupid 
blunders. We bear no ill-will towards the proprietor of 
the " Arbor " on the contrary, we esteem him a clever 
fellow, for he has, on various occasions, sent us pickled oys 
ters ; but we must say that it was a shame to place such 
an appearing bill of fare before Barry Gray, Esq., and his 
worthy bachelor friends. Of course we shall let the matter 
drop here, nor say any more about it ; and if an attack is 
made on us, through " The Teetotalist," for what we here 
say, we shall in dignified silence pass it by without notice. 

We have little more to add regarding the dinner, except 
that the cloth covering the table was not removed when 
the wine was placed on it, the committee having lately 
learned that it was no longer in good taste to do so. The 
proceedings, after the wine made its unlimited appearance, 
were convivial in the highest degree. Speeches and ad 
dresses were got off by many present, to all of which Barry 
Gray responded in his usual felicitous style. Frank made 
a very witty and telling speech, in which he feelingly, and 
at the same time gayly, alluded to the departure of Mr. 
Gray. John, formerly of " Arbor " proclivity, told several 
anecdotes, and wound up towards the latter part of the 
evening with a temperance address. 



288 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

The Judge sung a comic song, written by a young lady 
in the village, entitled, " Come and take Tea in the Arbor," 
which elicited rounds of applause, and was encored. Fred 
got off some original conundrums, which told remarkably 
well. Mr. Gray s tall friend, Christopher, made a few re 
marks, something like the farewell speech the man makes 
who is about to put his head in a noose, and shook hands 
with all his bachelor friends at parting. John, of the mon 
eyed institution, made no speech, though he performed a 
very handsome act : at a late hour, just before the party 
broke up, he offered to exchange, with the cdmpany pres 
ent, any Spanish coin which they might have in their pos 
session, for American currency, giving for the Spanish or 
Mexican two-shilling piece our American quarter. 

Many toasts were proposed and drank. We, OUKSELF, 
was toasted tremendously, and responded in a very delec 
table speech of an hour s length, though it was not all 
delivered, owing to the lateness of the hour. To gratify 
our numerous readers, it will, however, appear at length in 
our next week s issue. Copies of the same can be obtained 
at the counter, price six cents. 

The whole thing, with the exception, as we before re 
marked, of the bills of fare, was a most gorgeous and splen 
did affair. Convivialities were kept up till the " wee, sma 
hours " of the night, the other side of the twelve, and 
everything passed off very harmoniously. We trust that 
somebody else, we don t care who, will soon be leaving us, 
so that another dinner, like the above described one, may 
take place. 

We close our notice of the festivities by giving the words 
of the song written by Mr. Gray for the occasion, and sung 
with much spirit during the evening by the Troubadours. 
We obtained them for publication through the politeness 
of Frank, the Secretary of the society. 



MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 289 



THE SONG. 

Once more, my trusty friends, we meet 

Around the festive board ; 
Once more each other kindly greet 

While fast the wine is poured. 

Once more the merry song is sung, 

The jovial story told, 
Till we, who are no longer young, 
^ Forget we re growing old. 

Once more we gayly smile and laugh ; 

Once more we drain the glass, 
And health on health we lightly quaff 

To many a sunny lass. 

We gild the minutes as they fly, 

Inlay the hours with song, 
Till Time himself, in going by, 

Moves tenderly along. 

Then fill the glass with ruby wine, 

And while it sparkles high 
We 11 drink a toast almost divine, 

" God Bacchus, you and I ! " 

Before bringing these " Hillside Sketches " to an end, I 
will simply add that Mrs. Gray s hopes of seeing me reform 
are not in the least shaken, but are each day strengthened 
by noticing my endeavors to become all that she can wish. 

Of my bachelor friends I am able to declare that, up to 
the latest date, they were individually and collectively doing 
as well as could be expected. The little black boy is pur 
suing, under a somewhat stricter discipline than he has 
heretofore known, his agricultural studies, in the neighbor 
hood of Hillside, and bids fair to become a very respectable 
darkey. The dog Watch barks on the same farm where 
the former hoes corn, but, I understand, has lately been 
caught killing sheep. If so, his days, very likely, are even 
now numbered. 

19 



29^ MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 

Mrs. Gray, the baby, and I, are dwelling peacefully to 
gether in my old home at Rivertown ; and though Mrs. G. 
has taken sundry walks, and gazed, standing on tiptoe, 
over many fences, she has not as yet discovered the lot 
wherein my wild oats are growing. My friend Bustle, 
however, has offered to guide Mrs. Gray to the exact spot, 
and as she is very well able to do so, I have no doubt but 
she will take great pleasure in performing this act. And 
now, sadly but truly, I say it, Hillside is Hillside no longer. 



THE END. 



Date Due 



CAT. NO. 24 161 



